


But Then, Things Got Complicated

by Cease_and_Desist (Scedasticity)



Series: Magnificent Teleplay [1]
Category: Multiple crossover - Fandom, Star Trek, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, OOC, Parody, Very old and embarrassing, hopefully this is funny, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2000-11-29
Updated: 2000-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-04 00:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 102,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5313173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scedasticity/pseuds/Cease_and_Desist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is very old and very embarrassing, but parts of it still come across as funny to me, and our website vanished so it's no longer posted anywhere, and... well, for what it's worth, here is The Magnificent Teleplay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> See the Appendices (linked as series) for an introduction explaining what the fuck is going on here, including an exhaustive character guide, which YOU WILL NEED.
> 
> There are 75 sections of this already in html, and a few more in a word processing document. There are unlikely to be more.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 1 (about 1800 words) concerning Navigation, Corridor Ghouls, and the Somewhat Flimsy Set-Up for our Saga

**1**  


  
_Open on a starfield._

**VOICE:** A long time ago in a galaxy... well...

_Cut to the interior_ Millennium Falcon _cockpit with HAN, CHEWBACCA, LEIA, and LUKE, all looking less than happy._

**VOICE** _(continuing)_ **:** ...as a matter of fact, if they knew where the galaxy was, they'd be better off than they are now.

**HAN:** All right. Fine. I admit it. We're lost. Are you happy now?

**LEIA:** I knew we should have turned left back at that depository.

**LUKE:** Are you sure? There didn't seem to be much off in that direction.

**HAN:** Oh, I think we were lost before that. Chewie, gimme that map.

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** Here. Good luck making any sense out of it.

_CHEWBACCA hands over a large, unwieldy, and very wrinkled paper map. HAN frowns at it, then turns it the other way up._

**HAN:** Which way...?

**LEIA:** I think it's sideways.

**LUKE:** What language is that?

**LEIA:** I don't know, where's Threepio?

**LUKE:** Missing, remember?

**HAN:** Forget the language, now where are--

_He is interrupted by an ominous crashing, clanking, and grinding noise coming from elsewhere on the ship. All four turn to look._

**LEIA:** Oh, no. Jacen! Jaina! Anakin! Nashira! What are you doing?!

**JAINA** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Nothing!

**ANAKIN** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Nothing!

**NASHIRA** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Nothing!

_There is a long pause._

**JACEN** _(from off-screen)_ **:** It was an accident!

**HAN:** I don't like the sound of that. Could someone--

**MARA** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Oh, _bleep_! What the _bleep_ did that?

**JAINA** _(from off-screen)_ **:** _Oh_ , boy.

**LUKE:** I have a bad feeling about this.

_Cut to forward cargo hold of the_ Falcon _. ANAKIN, NASHIRA, and TAHIRI are sitting at the holographic game board, their attention fixed over at the hyperdrive access panels. JAINA and MARA are examining the hyperdrive while JACEN scolds a corridor ghoul, DUDE._

**TAHIRI** _(whispered)_ **:** I didn't know corridor ghouls ate metal.

**ANAKIN** _(whispered)_ **:** Why not? They seem to eat everything else.

**JACEN:** That was _very_ bad of you, Dude! You are a naughty little corridor ghoul! No! No eat hyperdrive!

**MARA** _(stunned)_ **:** There's nothing left of it!

**JAINA:** What are we going to tell Dad?

**LUKE** _(entering)_ **:** What are we going to tell Han about what? Ah -- where's the hyperdrive?

_ANAKIN points at DUDE._

**ANAKIN:** Jacen's pet monster ate it.

**JACEN:** Don't you say that about Dude! He just didn't understand that he was doing something wrong! He didn't mean any harm, did you, Dudey-wudey.

**ANAKIN:** Oh, gag.

**LUKE:** All right. Let me see if I have this straight. One of Jacen's pets -- _ate_ \-- the hyperdrive.

**JAINA:** That about sums it up.

**LUKE:** Oh, great.

**NASHIRA:** Better yet, Nomi and Wan-Wan are about due up from their naps.

**WAN-WAN** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Rory! Rory! I wanna watch Rory!

_Everyone winces._

**TAHIRI:** You just had to say that, didn't you.

**JAINA:** Well, I can't watch them, I'm trying to salvage the hyperdrive.

**ANAKIN:** How can you salvage it? There's nothing left! Barring surgical rescue from 'Dudey-wudey's stomach--

**JACEN:** Don't even think of it! Poor Dude's going to have enough stomach problems already. Eating the entire hyperdrive, really, Dude...

_DUDE just looks smug._

**HAN** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Well? What happened back there?

**ANAKIN:** Oh, you're in trouble now.

**LUKE:** Don't gloat, Anakin. Jacen, maybe you had better get... Dude... out of sight.

**JACEN:** Oh, all right.

_JACEN departs, taking DUDE._

**MARA:** Where _does_ he come up with those names?

**JAINA:** I'm not sure. They are kind of strange, aren't they...

_Enter HAN._

**HAN:** So what -- _what the_ bleep _happened to the HYPERDRIVE_??!!

**ANAKIN** _(helpfully)_ **:** One of Jacen's corridor ghouls ate it.

**JAINA** _(hissed)_ **:** Anakin! You know if Dad shoots it that weird tragic music will come on!

**HAN:** Ate the hyperdrive?! Grrrr--

**LUKE** _(hastily)_ **:** Okay, let's try to calm down here-- Back to the cockpit, Han, we'll let Jaina and Mara, uh, work on the hyperdrive--

_Cut to some time later in the same room. JAINA and CHEWBACCA are laboring over the hyperdrive, or what's left of it. ANAKIN, leaning on the holographic game board, is warily eyeing WAN-WAN and NOMI, while NASHIRA and TAHIRI look on._

**ANAKIN:** All right, we've watched _five_ Rory the Rancor vids. I think it's Nomi's turn to--

**WAN-WAN:** Want Rory! I wanna watch Rory! WANT RORY!

**JAINA:** Could you be any louder over there?

**ANAKIN:** Fine! Fine! Let's see, how about _Rory Goes to Hoth_. How's that?

**NASHIRA:** Only if Rory gets eaten by a Wampa Ice Creature.

**NOMI:** Yeah!

**WAN-WAN:** Waaaaaaahhhhh!! Rory! Waaaaaaahhhhh!!

**TAHIRI:** Why do _we_ have to watch them? Why can't your mother?

**JAINA** _(calling over)_ **:** She's up _conferring_ with Dad about what might or might not be a space station we can stop at. And Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara say they're meditating for inspiration, but I think they're just trying to avoid Rory the Rancor. Not that I blame them.

**WAN-WAN** _(singing)_ **:** Oh-oh-oh-oh, Rory is a Rancor from your imagination--

**HAN** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Chewie! Luke! Get up here!

_Cut to cockpit of the_ Falcon _. HAN is in the pilot's seat, still with a little black storm-cloud hovering over his head; LEIA is immediately behind him. Both are looking out the view-window, past the camera. LUKE and CHEWBACCA come in from the corridor as we watch. CHEWIE takes the copilot's seat, LUKE the other passenger seat._

**HAN:** Well, that's a space station all right, but we don't have any way of telling its affiliation.

**LEIA:** You're right. It might be Imperials!

**LUKE** _(tiredly)_ **:** I know. But we're limping along at sublight -- anything is good right now. Besides, I don't think there are any Imperials there.

**LEIA:** You don't think?

**LUKE:** You were the one who was telling me we don't have the supplies to go much further--

_Cut to a storage area. JACEN is by the wall, where there is an array of pet cages, carriers, and cases. The pets include the corridor ghouls DUDE, PUNK, TOOTHY, TOTO, DELINQUENT, JACK THE RIPPER, LITTLE-BROTHER-EATER, SNOOKUMS, SWEETIE, FANG, MELVIN, CHOMPER, CUTIE, and BIG BOY, and an assortment of poisonous-looking BUGS, including the SCARLET DEATH, along with safer exotic animals._

**JACEN:** Oh, poor Dude. I bet your tummy still hurts, doesn't it. You just rest. Now the rest of you, eat all your dinners. Do you want to go for a little walk around the ship later?

**MARA** _(from hall)_ **:** Pets stay in the cages, especially corridor ghouls!

_Caught in the act of opening the cages, JACEN freezes with an angelic look on his face. MARA steps into the doorway._

**MARA:** We're nearly at a space station. All of you need to be on your best behavior -- this means no fighting with your brother.

**JACEN** _(angelically)_ **:** I'd never fight with Wan-Wan.

**MARA:** With Anakin, if I need to spell it out for you. And those pets aren't leaving this room until you get to Coruscant.

**JACEN:** But Aunt Mara--

**MARA:** Not after the hyperdrive, Jacen.

_JACEN appears crushed, and sniffles a few times for effect._

**MARA:** Nice try.

**JACEN** _(under his breath)_ **:** Well, it was worth a shot-- __

_Cut to corridor, following MARA to the cockpit. As she enters, we see the space station the Falcon _is approaching.__

_Three guesses what it is!_

_Cut to DS9, Ops, Sisko's office. SISKO is on the communicator._

**SISKO:** Yes, of course. Yes. I understand. I'll see what I can do.

_He ends the communication, and sighs heavily._

**KIRA** _(entering the office)_ **:** Already today we've had baffled Symbiosis Commissioners, Vedeks Voteferme, envoys from planets nobody has ever heard of, and -- Prophets save us -- cadets. And the viruses. What is it _now_?

**SISKO:** An incoming ship from a long ways off, apparently.

**KIRA:** Good. I was afraid it was Kai Winn. Ever since that _bleep_ ed recall got put on the ballot, she's been impossible to deal with.

_SISKO shudders, then continues._

**SISKO:** Apparently their drive system scans as completely unfamiliar, but whatever it is, it's broken. They're hoping to pick up supplies.

**KIRA:** And the point is...

**SISKO:** The ship and drive designs are unfamiliar. I'm wondering where they came from.

**KIRA:** I see. Are you going to meet them when they arrive?

**SISKO:** Probably. If something else doesn't come up.

**KIRA** _(shakes her head)_ **:** If it's not one thing, it's another. The _Enterprise_ should be arriving soon.

**SISKO:** What? Why didn't you--

**KIRA:** Tell you? I did. You were busy, though, and I'm not surprised you forgot.

**SISKO:** Well, I guess I'll handle it.

**KIRA:** Somebody had better!

_Cut to the forward cargo hold of the_ Millennium Falcon _. All the KIDS are assembled, though not all of them are paying attention to LUKE, who's trying to give instructions._

**LUKE:** Anakin, I don't want you tampering with other people's computers -- the same thing goes for equipment, Jaina. I don't care if it's an improvement. Just don't! And, Jacen, pets stay on the ship. No exceptions whatsoever!

**JACEN** _(wheedling)_ **:** Not even Snookums?

**LUKE:** Especially not Snookums! _(pauses)_ You have a corridor ghoul named _Snookums_??!!

**ANAKIN:** Yeah, and it nearly bit off my hand last week.

**JACEN:** He was just hungry!

**ANAKIN:** Hah! There was a big fat steak sitting in front of him.

**TAHIRI:** Here they go again.

_Cut to DS9 wardroom, where the remainder of the DS9 senior staff is gathered._

**O'BRIEN:** Does anyone know what this is about? I was trying to fix the replicators.

**EZRI:** About time. Mine was spouting pink foam again. Looked like it had decided to become a fire extinguisher.

**JADZIA:** Beats what mine was doing.

**BASHIR:** Oh?

**JADZIA:** Trust me, you do _not_ want to know.

**O'BRIEN:** Well, you know, ever since we had that last computer virus, it's hit-and-miss what works throughout the nonessential systems...

**EZRI:** Define 'nonessential system.'

**O'BRIEN:** Look, I said I was sorry about the thing with the lights--

**EZRI:** Don't apologize to me, apologize to my achluophobic patients--

**ODO** _(not wanting to hear this argument again)_ **:** Where's Captain Sisko?

**BASHIR:** Late -- for a meeting he called.

**JADZIA:** Probably one of those envoys caught him. It'll be forever. Who here isn't hanging around to wait?

_Cut to the cockpit, where HAN is arguing about something trivial with DS9 traffic control. MARA and LEIA are talking._

**MARA:** Well, that's true enough, but I don't see any reason to turn it into a diplomatic event!

**LEIA:** The Republic needs all the allies it can get.

**MARA:** We aren't exactly the special envoys. I mean, you are, and maybe Luke, but not Han -- or the kids, powers save us.

**LEIA:** I'll manage.

_Cut to storage room with Jacen's PETS. ANAKIN is alone in the room, packing something._

_Zoom in on PUNK._

**PUNK:** Anakin... Aaaanakiiin... I am going to eeeeat yoooou...

**ANAKIN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_ANAKIN exits at a run._

_Cut to forward cargo hold. LUKE and TAHIRI turn as ANAKIN enters._

**ANAKIN** _(hysterically)_ **:** The corridor ghouls are going to eat me! One of them just said so!

**LUKE:** What was that?

**ANAKIN:** I _said_ I heard the corridor ghouls saying they're going to eat me and I need help!

**TAHIRI:** Oh, powers. This is _all_ we need. Anakin's gone insane!

**ANAKIN:** Have not!

**LUKE:** Let's calm down, everyone. We're almost there.

_He doesn't look very hopeful, though._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 2 (about 1500 words) concerning Meetings, Crappy Disguises, and More Pets

**2**  


  
_Open on a conference room on DS9. Not everyone is there yet. SISKO is trying not to look at the clock; ODO is at the table; LEIA is making smalltalk; EZRI is staring out the window; LUKE is trying to figure out what she's looking at (nothing)._

_Enter MARA._

**MARA:** Han should be here in a minute. I told the kids they can walk around as long as they don't get in trouble and stay out of restricted areas. And don't fight.

**LUKE** _(doubtfully)_ **:** And no one's keeping an eye on them?

_Enter HAN, looking grouchy._

**HAN:** Well, Chewie's looking for hyperdrive parts. I still think I should be, too.

**LEIA** _(hissed)_ **:** Not right now, Han.

**SISKO:** Well, if everyone's here...?

**EZRI:** Captain?

**SISKO:** I'm sure Colonel Kira will join us shortly.

_Cut to Promenade. ANAKIN, JACEN, JAINA, NASHIRA, and TAHIRI are wandering around._

**ANAKIN:** You can't go in a bar, stupid. You're fifteen.

**JACEN:** I wasn't going to.

**ANAKIN:** Yeah, right.

**JAINA:** Both of you, stop it.

_They glare venomously, but stop._

**JAINA:** I am afflicted with brothers.

**TAHIRI:** Who in the world is that?

**JAINA** _(follows her gaze)_ **:** I don't think I've ever seen such a crappy disguise before.

_We slowly look around the Promenade to see someone wearing a glasses-nose-and-mustache get-up. It is indeed a crappy disguise; she is easily identified as RO Laren._

**VOICE:** Poor Laren. Stuck out in no cover with the original 'crappy disguise.'

**ANAKIN:** I wonder where she got those stupid glasses.

**JAINA:** _I_ wonder why she's _wearing_ them.

**RO** _(quietly, singsong)_ **:** Why don't you scout out Deep Space Nine, Ro. I'm sure no one will recognize you. It's not like there've been bulletins out about you or anything. Disguise? Oh, all right, take these. Tell me again why I thought leaving Starfleet was a good idea?

**ANAKIN:** And Uncle Luke says _we're_ crazy.

**JACEN:** Oh, aren't you cute.

_The other KIDS turn to look at JACEN. JACEN is holding a SCARLET DEATH._

**JACEN:** Meet Reddy!

**ANAKIN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_ANAKIN takes off at a run._

**JACEN:** Oh, come on!

_JACEN starts chasing ANAKIN around the Promenade with REDDY._

**ANAKIN:** Jaina! Jaina! Make him stop! Jainaaaa! Help!

**JACEN:** Come on! Reddy's cute!

_Cut to_ Falcon _storage area as a wind-up Rory the Rancor toy marches across the floor -- into the control panel for the pet cages. The corridor ghouls all look intrigued._

**VOICE** _(cheerfully)_ **:** Uh-oh!

_Cut to conference room. KIRA and JADZIA have just arrived. HAN is asleep._

**LEIA** _(continuing)_ **:** So I feel that our two governments can enter into an arrangement of mutual benefit...

_HAN snores softly._

**LUKE** _(whispering)_ **:** Han... Han, wake up! Han!

_LUKE kicks HAN under the table; HAN starts awake. LEIA hasn't noticed a thing._

**LEIA:** And in conclusion--

_She breaks off as the door opens and TAHIRI enters._

**TAHIRI:** Master Skywalker, Jacen and Anakin are fighting. Again. Jaina said someone should do something before someone snaps and turns to the dark side, possibly her.

_Cut to the Promenade. ANAKIN runs screaming down the middle, pushing between passerby. JACEN runs after him, holding REDDY._

**ANAKIN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! _(stops for breath)_ Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Passing through, JAKE hastily steps aside to avoid being run over by ANAKIN. He starts forward again; JACEN runs right into him, and both fall to the floor._

**JAKE:** Oof!

_When JACEN falls, he lets go of the SCARLET DEATH, which sails through the air._

**JACEN:** Reddy!

_REDDY hits the floor, recovers, and darts into the crowd._

**JACEN:** Reddy, come back!

_He tramples JAKE, elbows aside NOG, and continues shoving people left and right as he goes through on hands and knees._

**JACEN:** Reddy! _(sniffle)_ Reddy, come to daddy!

**JAINA:** Daddy??!!

**NASHIRA:** Jaina, make him stop, he's embarrassing me.

**JAKE** _(groans)_ **:** I'm all right, if anybody cares.

_At the other end of the Promenade, ANAKIN has finally stopped. He leans against the wall, breathing heavily._

**ANAKIN:** That was close.

_Turning around, he bumps into RO._

**ANAKIN:** Sorry. Oh, why _are_ you wearing those glasses?

**RO:** Ssshhh!

**ANAKIN:** Oh. Why? Are you hiding from someone? I've seen better disguises in--

**RO:** I know that. We have a limited budget.

**ANAKIN:** Who are you trying to hide from? And why do you have a limited budget? Did someone spend it all on speculative business ventures which got ruined by the Empire?

**RO:** No. I have to go.

_She hurries away; the camera follows her for a minute._

**RO:** That is one strange kid.

_Return to ANAKIN._

**ANAKIN** _(continuing)_ **:** ...since, I mean, that's the customary way to lose a lot of money. Or maybe someone's pets _ate_ all the good disguises.

_Cut to conference room. LEIA is trying to carry on a conversation with SISKO while nobody else pays any attention._

**HAN:** He actually brought that _bleep_ ing bug on the station?

**LUKE:** Don't tell me you're surprised?

_Out in the corridor, a racket abruptly develops._

**BASHIR** _(from corridor)_ **:** Aaahh! Ow! Get it off me! No, no, use a _phaser_ , not the bat'leth -- ow! Could somebody _else_ get out here and help me, please?!

**WORF** _(from corridor)_ **:** If you won't hold still, I can't shoot it without hitting you!

**BASHIR** _(from corridor)_ **:** I _am_ holding still! It's not my fault you can't hit anything! Quick, get it off me!

_A phaser shot in the corridor._

**BASHIR** _(from corridor)_ **:** Ow!

_The DS9-ers present wince in unison._

**JADZIA** _(rallying)_ **:** Well, at least he doesn't sound too badly hurt. __

**EZRI** _(under her breath)_ **:** If he blames Section 31... __

_Cut to Promenade. JACEN looks up from the floor._

**JACEN:** Toto!

_'The sad music' goes on all over the station. JAINA winces; ANAKIN sticks his fingers in his ears._

_Cut to a junk shop somewhere on DS9; CHEWBACCA looks up, shakes his head, and goes back to examining what appears to be a Yugo. CHEWBACCA is unimpressed. The music continues._

_Cut to the conference room. The DS9 personnel are all looking around to see where the music is coming from._

**LUKE** _(over the music)_ **:** Ignore it! It'll go away in a minute!

_The music stops. Everyone relaxes thankfully._

_WORF enters, carrying the dead body of TOTO the corridor ghoul. BASHIR limps in after him with a set of bleeding toothmarks in his leg, plus a phaser scorch._

**BASHIR:** That thing just attacked me in the hall! And then--

**TAHIRI** _(whistles)_ **:** Somebody's in trouble, somebody's in trouble!

**LUKE:** Maybe we'd better stop for now. I think we need to have a talk with certain persons.

**TAHIRI:** Knew it!

**JADZIA:** O-kay, maybe we'd better look into this...

_Cut to RO sneaking along a hall, still wearing the glasses-nose-and-mustache._

**RO:** When I figure out whose idea this was, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!

_Cut to Promenade. JACEN has recovered from TOTO's death and has resumed searching for REDDY. He's made some_ Have you seen me? _posters with pictures of REDDY and is tacking them up around the Promenade._

**JACEN** _(to passerby)_ **:** Have you seen him? He's my pet, and really sweet.

_The passerby, ENSIGN LAMPSHADE, who is of course wearing a lampshade on his head, hurries away._

**JAINA:** The longer I stay here, the weirder it seems. And it still isn't as bad as my family.

**JACEN:** Just because you prefer droids to cute, cuddly, living animals--

_KEIKO and MOLLY come by, KEIKO with a shopping bag. JACEN turns on them._

**JACEN:** Hi! I'm looking for my pet, Reddy. Have you seen him? Here's a picture...

**MOLLY:** Yuck! Mommy, make him go away!

**KEIKO:** Uh, come on, we have to go.

_They hustle away._

**JACEN:** _Bleep_ it, people here are just so _insensitive_!

_Enter LUKE, looking harassed. He heads straight for the KIDS. The DS9 group trails after him._

**JACEN:** Uh-oh.

_JACEN grabs his posters and slips away into the crowd._

**NASHIRA:** Uncle Luke! Jacen's running away!

_Cut to other part of Promenade. JAKE, nursing a bump on his head, is talking to SISKO._

**JAKE:** ...then this weird kid ran right over me! This place gets stranger every day.

**SISKO:** Well, have you had any trouble with animals?

**JAKE:** The weird kid was looking for some sort of bug, but _I_ didn't see it.

**SISKO:** No eyeless things with giant ears and big teeth?

**JAKE:** Is that a joke?

**SISKO:** No. Never mind.

**JAKE:** Yeah, well, anyway, you want strange, look what he's doing now.

_They turn around. JACEN goes by in the background, tacking up the_ Have you seen me? _posters._

**SISKO:** That's some bug!

**JAKE:** I think he was chasing his little brother with it.

**SISKO:** Hmm. I... uh... see.

_Cut to other end of Promenade, as KIRA spots RO._

**RO:** I bet it was Eddington. I'm going to kill him...

**KIRA:** Wait, isn't that some Maquis-- Oh, Prophets. Captain Sisko!

_RO winces and runs for cover._

**KIRA:** Captain Sisko! Odo!

_SISKO turns to look and is about to go investigate when ENSIGN LAMPSHADE runs over._

**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE:** Sir, Captain Picard wants to talk to you.

**SISKO:** Captain Pic-- I hadn't heard the _Enterprise_ had arrived!

**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE:** It didn't. It had some kind of warp drive problems, and the senior staff came without it.

**SISKO:** I see.

_Cut to other end of Promenade._

**KIRA:** Arrgh! She's getting away!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 3 (about 1400 words) concerning Panicked Flight, Posters, First Officers, and primarily Unexpected Guests

**3**  


  
_Open on a DS9 corridor. RO, running away from KIRA, nearly runs into PICARD._

**RO:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_RO reverses course._

**PICARD:** What-- Was that--

_RIKER shakes his head._

**RIKER:** It sure _looked_ like Ro Laren.

_KIRA charges after RO, phaser in hand, looks at the_ Enterprise _officers, and reverses course._

**KIRA** _(over her shoulder)_ **:** Captain Sisko will be with you in a minute!

**PICARD:** Was that Colonel Kira?

**RIKER:** She went by so fast it was hard to see.

**DATA:** I believe so.

_RIKER shakes his head again, a gesture echoed by most of the others. TROI speaks up._

**TROI:** Captain, they probably weren't expecting us this soon.

**RIKER:** Well, we weren't expecting we'd have to take a shuttle when the warp drive failed.

**GEORDI:** It wasn't my fault! How was _I_ to know that they'd start dumping pizza in the warp nacelles?

**PICARD** _(wearily)_ **:** No one was saying it was your fault, Mr. La Forge.

_JACEN enters with his_ Have you seen me? _posters. He tacks one up every twenty feet or so, ignoring the_ Enterprise _officers. He continues in this manner until he goes offscreen._

**RIKER:** This place gets stranger every time I come here.

_Enter SISKO, with a big fake grin plastered on his face. He's followed by EZRI and WORF._

**SISKO:** Sorry about the delay. We had a small problem.

_Enter ANAKIN, following JACEN's route. He rips down the_ Have you seen me? _posters and tacks up_ Wanted! Dead ~~or Alive~~! _posters in their places. He, too, ignores the bystanders._

_RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack..._

**PICARD** _(looking at ANAKIN)_ **:** Ah...

**EZRI:** A, uh, visitor.

**PICARD:** I see.

_Obviously he doesn't._

**SISKO:** So, what happened to your ship?

**PICARD:** A slight difficulty with the warp nacelles, I'm afraid.

**GEORDI:** Slight! They were dumping _pizzas_ in them.

**RIKER** _(hissed)_ **:** Don't tell the DS9-ers!

**SISKO:** I... see.

_Obviously he doesn't._

**EZRI** _(incredulously)_ **:** Pizzas?

_WORF elbows EZRI; she shuts up._

**PICARD:** But I don't see why we can't just get on with the conference.

**SISKO:** Good. We can just--

_Enter KIRA, carrying the phaser and frowning ferociously._

**KIRA:** Have you seen Odo? I kept calling for Security, and they never came. _(pauses, and glances at_ Enterprise _officers)_ She, ah, gave me the slip in the docking ring.

**SISKO** _(sighs)_ **:** Put Security on it. If they ever get here. Then, join us in the conference room.

**EZRI** _(low voice)_ **:** Comms might be malfunctioning again, because of the virus.

**SISKO:** What, _again_? Fine, you'd better have Chief O'Brien take a look at it.

_Enter JACEN. He stops and looks at ANAKIN's posters, horrified, then quickly begins replacing them._

_RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack..._

Cut to the junk shop. CHEWBACCA has been joined by HAN. They wander through the junk shop, passing an extremely dusty gumball machine and a Segway. Eventually they pause, leaning on a Model T.

**HAN:** So, any luck?

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** Surely you're joking. I haven't even found many ship parts in here... unless you count, oh, _that_.

_He indicates an upside-down Imperial Probe Droid which seems to be being used as a coatrack._

**HAN:** Uh- _huh_. And there's no better place to look?

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled, disgusted)_ **:** The maintenance personnel didn't even know what I was talking about.

**HAN:** So it's here or nothing. Well, _bleep_. I guess we'll just have to--

_Without warning, the sad music goes on._

**HAN:** Oh, great. I'd better go.

_Cut to a random corridor with JACEN._

**JACEN:** Big Boy!

_Cut to Ops, where O'BRIEN, putting his phaser away, is prying the corridor ghoul off EZRI's arm. In the background is a console with a large sign on it reading_ Do NOT open any attachments without checking with Chief O'Brien FIRST. That goes for YOU _._

**O'BRIEN:** Ooohh, this looks painful.

**EZRI:** No kidding. Ow!

_The sad music stops._

**VOICE:** Finally!

**EZRI:** Right. Off to the infirmary.

**O'BRIEN:** Wait -- over near the door. Do you see someone?

**EZRI:** I see someone in a really crappy disguise. Wait -- it could be--

**RO:** Oh, _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Such language!

**RO:** Shut up!

**O'BRIEN:** Security!

_Cut to Security office. Lt. LOVESTRUCK is sitting at the desk with his feet up on it, snoring._

**O'BRIEN** _(from speaker)_ **:** Security, send someone to Ops right away!

**LOVESTRUCK:** _(snores loudly)_

**O'BRIEN** _(from speaker)_ **:** Is anyone down there?! I _think_ this is working...

_Pause. LOVESTRUCK snores loudly._

**O'BRIEN** _(from speaker)_ **:** Oh. Bloody Lovestruck...

_Cut back to Ops as JADZIA comes in._

**JADZIA:** Did I hear you yelling for Security?

**EZRI:** Yes, for all the good it did. Ro Laren again. She went that way.

**JADZIA:** Well, Lovestruck isn't coming -- come on.

_Cut to conference room. LUKE is back._ _SISKO and PICARD are trying to discuss the Maquis; LEIA is determinedly trying to discuss diplomatic negotiations even though no one else is; WORF is catching up on old times with the_ Enterprise _officers; KIRA is staring out the window in an attitude of terminal boredom; so's LUKE; HAN is back at the conference but is asleep again; RIKER isn't there._

**SISKO:** Um, yes. The Maquis seem to be getting bolder.

_KIRA switches from staring out the window to looking out the door. RO (minus crappy disguise) runs by in the hall, pursued by JADZIA. EZRI trails along in the rear, trying to bandage her own arm while running._

**JADZIA:** Benjamin! _Benjamin_!

**LUKE:** Is there a problem with one of your officers?

**SISKO:** Uh, possibly. I'm, um, quite confident in Lt. Commander Dax's ability to handle it, though.

**PICARD:** To return to the subject, I think we ought to keep an especially close eye out for spies.

**JADZIA** _(from hall)_ **:** Security! Where are you?!

_The pursuit disappears down the hall after RO._

**GEORDI:** ...and then, believe it or not, they actually put the pizza in the nacelles. We still hadn't managed to get it out when I left...

**KIRA** _(still looking into the hall)_ **:** _Oh_ , boy.

**SISKO:** Now what?

**KIRA:** Captain Sisko, Captain Picard, I think we might have a problem. Another problem, I mean.

_The door opens and two identical RIKERs walk in._

**RIKER 1:** I'm William Riker! He's a Maquis spy!

**RIKER 2:** No, _I'm_ William Riker and _he's_ a Maquis spy!

_PICARD looks like he's getting a headache._

**LEIA:** ...so we can make a trade alliance that can...

**LUKE:** Leia, no one is listening!

**LEIA:** Well, I can try, can't I?

_Out in the hall: RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack._

**TAHIRI** _(from hall)_ **:** Anakin, you're making a mess.

**SISKO:** Wait, we can't assume automatically that one of them's the real Commander Riker and the other one's Thomas Riker.

**PICARD:** Not a Dominion spy!

**SISKO** _(darkly)_ **:** I hope not.

**RIKER 2:** I tell you, I'm the real William Riker!

_Suddenly, CALHOUN barges in._

**CALHOUN:** What's going on in here?

**DATA:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Excaliburitis!

**GEORDI:** Turn off the chip, Data!

_CALHOUN is followed by SHELBY._

**SHELBY:** That's a fine greeting! Wait, why are there two of Commander Riker?

**PICARD:** Oh, God.

_Out in the hall:_

**RO:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**JADZIA:** Benjamin! Benja _min_! Security, where are you?!

**EZRI:** Was that the _Excalibur_ senior staff?

**JADZIA:** Probably. I was coming to Ops to tell everyone -- they just showed up in a shuttle.

**EZRI:** Oh. Perfect.

**JADZIA:** Yup. Security!

_Back in the conference room:_

**KIRA** _(to the RIKERs)_ **:** All right, both of you, no sudden moves. We'll get someone to take blood samples, and if neither is a Dominion spy, _then_ we can worry about the Maquis thing.

**RIKER 1:** Come on, Shelby, _you_ know it's me, don't you?

**SHELBY:** Er... No, wait, Selar -- stay in the hall!

_SELAR charges in anyway._

**SISKO:** Sisko to Odo, I think we have a situation.

**ODO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Can it wait? I'm just about to get Quark.

**SISKO:** No.

**PICARD:** You mean that really _is_ Ro Laren?

**CALHOUN:** Who's Ro Laren?

**SELAR:** Is he cute?

**SHELBY:** Selar, it's a _she_.

**SELAR:** Oh, phooey.

**WORF:** Um...

**SHELBY:** Terribly sorry about this; she's in _pon farr_ , you see.

**KIRA:** Is it contagious?!

**SISKO** _(answering PICARD)_ **:** I assume so. She hasn't slowed down for anyone to get a good look at her. Or do you mean is _she_ a Dominion spy?

**PICARD:** I should--

_But what he should do, we never learn, because SISKO's combadge beeps._

**SISKO:** What is it?

**O'BRIEN** _(from combadge)_ **:** Sir, you might want to get up here.

_Cut to Ops. JADZIA and EZRI have stopped to catch their breath; EZRI is using a first aid kit on her arm. All are staring at the viewscreen._

**O'BRIEN:** Something just limped in out of the Badlands, sir.

**SISKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Well, deal with it. I'm busy.

**JADZIA** _(leans over)_ **:** Sir, you really do want to see this.

_Swing around to look out the window at the unexpected guest._

**JADZIA:** It's _Voyager_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 4 (about 1600 words) concerning Fear, Fugitives, First Officers, and Awkward Conversations

** 4 **

_Open on the bridge of_ Voyager _. JANEWAY looks irritated; half her senior staff seems to have headed for the hills -- or, in this case, the turbolift._

**JANEWAY:** Will you _please_ come back? It's a little ridiculous that we've finally made it back here, only to have everyone hiding.

**HARRY:** I don't think they're listening, Captain.

**JANEWAY** _(darkly)_ **:** They'd better be. _(ultra-reasonable voice)_ Look, nobody's going to arrest any of you.

**CHAKOTAY** _(from turbolift)_ **:** We know _you_ aren't going to.

**TOM** _(from turbolift)_ **:** Hey, speak for yourself.

**JANEWAY:** Nobody else will, either. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can stop worrying, so out of the turbolift.

**B'ELANNA** _(from turbolift)_ **:** Promise?

**JANEWAY:** Look, if there's a problem with the Maquis issue I will sort it out, all right? People might need to use that lift, you know--

**CHAKOTAY** _(from turbolift)_ **:** And you won't let Cardassians get brought into it?

**JANEWAY** _(in a see-how-patient-I'm-being voice)_ **:** No, no Cardassians. I already _talked_ to Starfleet Command about this the last time we managed to contact them--

**TOM** _(from turbolift)_ **:** What about my father? You won't let him get involved?

**JANEWAY** _(in captain-snarl)_ **:** Everybody out of the lift!

_The turbolift doors open and the occupants spill out; it was pretty crowded. They all avoid JANEWAY's eyes and try to look busy, though TOM is still nervously eying the viewscreen._

**JANEWAY:** _Thank_ you. Mr. Paris, are you fit for duty?

**TOM:** Yeah, I guess so. Assuming my--

_JANEWAY holds up a warning hand; he shuts up and heads for the helm._

**JANEWAY:** Then take us to the station. Harry, hail them.

**HARRY:** Uh, hang on a sec, my console's, um, malfunctioning--

_In a shot over his shoulder, we see that his console is, in fact, occupied by a paused game of Asteroids._

**JANEWAY** _(warningly)_ **:** Mr. Kim...

**HARRY:** Almost fixed!

**SEVEN:** Do you require--

**HARRY:** No, no, under control! Don't need help!

_Cut to Ops. SISKO and PICARD are looking at the viewscreen. CALHOUN elbows in between them._

**CALHOUN:** Fire!

_Everyone ignores him._

**SISKO** _(recovering)_ **:** Well, that certainly _looks_ like _Voyager_.

**PICARD:** How did--

_He doesn't get a chance to finish this time, either. RO goes tearing through in the background, pursued by LOVESTRUCK and a couple of sleepy-eyed SECURITY OFFICERS._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kira! Watch! I'll catch her!

**VOICE:** You don't need to run so fast, Laren. They're very slow.

**RO:** Whoever that is, someone make him shut up!

**SISKO:** Odo, where are you?

**JADZIA:** I think he's trying to figure out which is the real Commander William Riker.

**PICARD:** I ought to--

**SISKO:** Odo can handle it. We need to figure out how to deal with this situation.

_RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack, RRRRIP, tack-tack-tack..._

**TAHIRI:** I don't think kids are allowed in here, Jacen.

**SISKO:** Please, not in my _office_!

_LUKE follows the KIDS in._

**LUKE:** Jacen, enough! I want all those posters down pronto!

**JACEN:** But Reddy--

**LUKE:** Your father has suggested insecticide. You can keep looking, but no posters. If there are any posters still up in an hour, you and Anakin are both getting leftover Giju stew for dinner.

**TAHIRI:** That's a little extreme, don't you think?

**LUKE:** Not really.

**JACEN** _(shudders)_ **:** All right, I'll take down the posters.

_Just as the KIDS leave, both RIKERs come running in, followed by ODO._

**ODO:** I'm sorry, I couldn't keep them away. All the security teams seem to be elsewhere.

**SISKO:** Just... somebody keep an eye on them. Odo, the Security teams chasing Ro Laren aren't doing a very good job. Lt. Lovestruck is leading them. Could you do something about that, do you think?

**ODO:** Yes.

_He leaves. LEIA and HAN come in._

**LEIA:** _Here's_ where everybody went!

**PICARD:** Maybe we--

_The rest of the_ Excalibur _crew piles in, unfortunately including SELAR and BURGOYNE._

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la one al la two casadilla, al la one al la two casa three-ah--!!

_S/he burps. A wave of fumes spills over Ops._

**SHELBY:** Everyone down!

**SISKO:** Gas masks!

**JADZIA:** Nerys? Are you all right?

_KIRA is leaning on a console, having caught the worst of the blast._

**VOICE:** Your eyes are glazed, Nerys. Have you been eating donuts?

**JADZIA:** All right, that was a _lousy_ joke.

_LOVESTRUCK dashes in._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel! Are you all right?

**HAN:** Not much of a security officer.

**EZRI** _(glumly)_ **:** We know.

_SISKO taps his combadge._

**SISKO** _(wearily)_ **:** Doctor Bashir, report to Ops.

**CRUSHER:** Hey, I'm a doctor.

**O'BRIEN:** But you aren't a _DS9-er_.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. B'ELANNA, CHAKOTAY, and TOM still look uncomfortable, and now SEVEN seems a bit edgy._

**JANEWAY:** All of you, relax. I already said, I discussed this with Starfleet Command and they aren't planning on pursuing the Maquis thing. And Tom, I don't think you even need to be concerned at all.

**TOM:** Yes I do.

**B'ELANNA:** Say, I'd better get down to Engineering before Dell dumps pizza in the warp drive or something.

**JANEWAY:** B'Elanna--

**B'ELANNA:** I'm chief engineer! It's my job.

**JANEWAY:** Oh, all right. And no, she doesn't need your help.

_TOM looks crestfallen._

**TOM:** Fine. Fine. See what you do for a pilot when my father has me arrested--

**SEVEN:** Captain, did you discuss _my_ situation with Starfleet Command?

**JANEWAY:** Not you, too!

_Return to Ops. BASHIR enters, hobbling on crutches._

**BASHIR:** What is that awful smell?!

**JADZIA:** Don't ask.

_He goes over to KIRA and pulls out a scanner, grumbling._

**BASHIR:** I won't ask what happened. I probably don't want to know.

**SISKO:** Probably not. I'm going to my office. Somebody try hailing _Voyager_ again, assuming _that's_ working. If you want to...

_He goes to his office, followed by PICARD, EZRI, JADZIA, TROI, DATA, GEORDI, both RIKERs, WORF, SELAR, CALHOUN, SHELBY, SOLETA, LUKE, LEIA, and HAN. KIRA struggles in; BASHIR follows, but gets his crutches caught in the door._

**EZRI:** Julian, why do you have those things, anyway?

**BASHIR:** Don't ask.

_O'BRIEN, CRUSHER, and LOVESTRUCK look like they'd like to come in, too, but the office is running out of space. BURGOYNE tries to go in; BASHIR fends hir off with the crutches._

**EZRI:** ...but they do come in handy.

_ODO marches RO into Ops and into the office just as O'BRIEN gets_ Voyager _onscreen. RO dives under the desk._

**SISKO:** Get out from under-- Oh. Ah, hello, Captain Janeway. We weren't expecting to see you. _(pause)_ We haven't... suddenly acquired some sort of wormhole to the Delta Quadrant, have we? Because honestly, one is--

**JANEWAY** _(from screen)_ **:** No, no. No wormholes involved. Although I'm not _quite_ sure how we _did_ get here... We would have noticed a wormhole, though... um...

_Switch to JANEWAY's perspective. Several puzzling things are visible; BASHIR's crutches, the RIKERs, SELAR attempting to kiss a deeply disturbed PICARD, CALHOUN (just in general), and why are half the people present apparently looking at something under the desk?_

**SISKO** _(from screen)_ **:** So, the Delta Quadrant. That must have been interesting. _(glances under the desk)_ You must have some good stories.

**RIKER 1** _(from screen)_ **:** Right!

_RIKER 2 glares at him._

_Return to DS9 perspective, where there are also puzzling things to see. A_ DEMOTE ME _sign is flashing over TOM's head; CHAKOTAY is trying to sink into his chair._

_Having Maquis on the mind..._

**SISKO:** Isn't that a Maquis?

**JANEWAY** _(from screen)_ **:** Depends on who you're looking at, but probably. Starfleet Command already knows about it, but I'll explain it all later. We _were_ in the Delta Quadrant, after all, and--

_PICARD isn't thinking about Maquis. He's staring at SEVEN._

**PICARD:** Isn't that a _Borg_??!!

**SHELBY:** Borg?! Where??!!

_JANEWAY winces. SEVEN gives her an irked look._

**VOICE:** Didn't think of this little problem, did you, Kathy?

**JANEWAY** _(from screen)_ **:** Who's that?

**RO** _(from under the desk)_ **:** I don't know, but it's very annoying!

**SISKO:** Will you get _out_ from under my desk, _please_!

**RO:** Nuh-uh.

_Seeing that everyone else is a little occupied, SEVEN speaks for herself._

**SEVEN** _(from screen)_ **:** I am no longer part of the collective.

**SHELBY** _(unconvinced)_ **:** Oooooohh.

**JADZIA:** But what did you _see_ out there in the Delta Quadrant, anyway?

**SISKO:** Not _now_.

_Cut to_ Voyager _, where there is a sudden loud crashing noise._

**B'ELANNA** _(from offscreen)_ **:** Dell, get him down from there _right now_!!

**JANEWAY:** Bridge to Engineering. Is there a problem?

**B'ELANNA** _(from combadge, sarcastically)_ **:** Not really. This idiot Crewman Dell has just duct-taped Vorik to the warp core again.

_Cut back to Ops office._

**GEORDI:** And I thought I had problems.

**O'BRIEN** _(from Ops, outside the office)_ **:** Speaking of problems...

_O'BRIEN pushes his way into the office, almost tripping over BASHIR and his crutches._

**O'BRIEN:** Sorry, Julian. Captain Sisko, have you noticed _Voyager_ has a sticker which says _Borg on Board_?

**DATA:** Actually we saw the Borg--

**SOLETA** _(snickering)_ **:** Well, it's better than the sticker on the _Enterprise_.

**PICARD** _(tragically)_ **:** Please, don't talk about that.

_Several other people snicker anyway._

**SISKO:** Fine! Since it looks like we... have a lot to talk about... we'd better call a conference. O'Brien, get _Voyager_ a docking clearance.

**O'BRIEN:** Right.

**JANEWAY** _(from screen)_ **:** Thanks. Oh, if there's time, can my crew get some shore leave? They're very eager.

**SISKO:** Go right ahead. Good day.

**JANEWAY** _(from screen)_ **:** And to you.

_Before anyone can sever the connection..._

**SISKO:** Will you _please_ get out from under my desk!

**JANEWAY** _(from screen)_ **:** What do you mean, you don't want shore leave? Mr. Paris, this is probably the first time you've _ever_ not wanted shore leave!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 5 (about 1500 words) concerning Socializing, Shore Leave, First Officers, and Brigs

**5**  


  
_Open on the Promenade. ANAKIN and JACEN are ripping down the last few posters; MARA is keeping an eye on them; JAKE, NOG, and JAINA are talking; various other PEOPLE are going about their business._

**ANAKIN:** This is all your fault.

**JACEN:** Is not! It's your fault I dropped poor Reddy in the first place.

**ANAKIN:** I hope someone stepped on him.

_JACEN growls under his breath._

**MARA:** No fighting. Just get the posters down.

**JACEN:** Oh, all right.

_JAINA sighs heavily._

**JAINA:** I am so embarrassed.

**JAKE:** Hey, it's all right.

**JAINA:** The worst part is, this isn't even the worst that they've been. One time they started fighting in the middle of a Senate session. They even jumped out of the balcony!

**JACEN:** We did _not_!

**ANAKIN:** Yeah, we had no way of knowing that railing would give!

**JAINA:** All right, so you _fell_ out of the balcony, but it was still in the middle of Mom's speech. And then there was the time the corridor ghouls attacked the ambassador from--

**JAKE:** Those eyeless things _have_ been causing trouble.

**JAINA:** They usually do.

**JAKE:** Um -- what about that bug? The one on the posters?

**JAINA:** Well, usually the bugs he keeps in his room. Of course, there was the time they got in the ventilation...

**JACEN** _(continuing)_ **:** And we wouldn't even have bumped into it if Anakin hadn't tripped over the Rory the Rancor doll--

**ANAKIN:** Oh, like I could see anything at all after your stupid Pepper-Breathed Wombat--

_Cut to briefing room on_ Voyager _, where the senior staff is assembled. JANEWAY does not look happy._

**JANEWAY:** I am _not_ going to this meeting on the station all by myself! Give me one good reason why you can't go with me!

**B'ELANNA:** Warp core overhaul.

**HARRY:** Dental appointment.

**SEVEN:** Social simulations.

**DOCTOR:** I'm doing the dental appointment.

**NEELIX:** I'm helping with Naomi.

**KES:** I'm the dental hygienist.

**TOM:** Um, cleaning sickbay.

**CHAKOTAY:** _Someone_ needs to be in charge while you're gone.

**TUVOK:** I'm meditating.

**JANEWAY:** Dental appointment? Social simulations? _Cleaning sickbay_? I said a _good_ reason! Those are some of the worst excuses I've heard in years!

**TOM** _(defensively)_ **:** Well, we didn't have very long to come up with them.

_Cut to Ops, SISKO's office. Almost everyone is still in there._

**SISKO:** Odo, just get her out from under my desk!

**SOLETA:** The oxygen level is falling.

**JADZIA:** Julian, those crutches are really getting in the way.

**PICARD:** Excuse me -- I need to leave.

_No one will get out of the way. O'BRIEN has pushed his way out; a few others are following. BASHIR is about to get himself and his crutches out when ENSIGN LAMPSHADE hurries in._

**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE:** Sir, there's a man who says he's Commander Riker who wants to talk to Captain Picard.

**RIKERS** _(in unison)_ **:** What??!!

_PICARD groans._

**SISKO:** With your permission, Captain Picard -- Odo, take all the Rikers to the brig. Try and figure out who -- what -- they are.

**SHELBY** _(to SOLETA)_ **:** Speaking of Security, where's Kebron?

**SOLETA:** Don't ask.

**PICARD:** Go right ahead.

**RIKER 2:** But I'm Commander Riker!

**RIKER 1:** No, I am!

**ODO:** Ensign, take Ro Laren. _(he sighs)_ Come on, Lieutenant. We might as well take all of them to the brig in one trip.

**GEORDI:** At least we can be pretty sure _she's_ not a Dominion spy.

**RO:** _Thank_ you.

_ODO, LOVESTRUCK, and ENSIGN LAMPSHADE haul out RO and RIKERs 1 and 2._

**SHELBY** _(to SOLETA, still on their conversation)_ **:** What do you mean, _don't ask_? ****

**PICARD:** I hope we can get this straightened out before too long. I really do need my first officer.

**SISKO:** Speaking of which, how's Colonel Kira?

**BASHIR:** She'll be all right.

**SISKO:** Good. When?

**KIRA:** I'm fine. Just give me some room to breathe.

**BASHIR:** I recommend you leave the office, then.

_There's a pile-up in the door as everyone tries to leave at once._

**BASHIR:** Ow!

**TROI:** Sorry!

**SISKO:** Please, could we have a little order here?!

**VOICE:** Probably not.

**JADZIA:** I'm beginning to see why Ro doesn't like that. Whatever it is.

**SISKO:** If we could get out of here, please...

**SOLETA** _(to SHELBY)_ **:** It has to do with goldfish, Commander.

**SISKO:** I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. We'll have the... conference... in an hour, or whenever everyone gets there. Oh, and this'll give those envoys something to do, too. But let's not invite the Vedeks Voteferme.

_Cut to Security office. LOVESTRUCK is again asleep at the desk. In the detention cells are RO, RIKERs 1, 2, and 3, and some drunk and disorderly FERENGI._

**FERENGI** _(singing off-key)_ **:** Three sheets, nine moons, hoist three sheets to the wind...

**RO:** I'm going to go crazy.

**RIKER 2:** I'm the real Commander Riker! Why do they have me locked up in here? Can't they tell?

**RO:** Even _I_ can't tell you apart, and I know William _and_ Thomas Riker -- and then Number Three turned up. Anyway, Thomas -- whichever one you are -- I'm really starting to have doubts about this mission.

**RIKER 3:** _I'm_ the real Commander Riker! I didn't even know there were people pretending to be me!

_Enter ODO._

**ODO:** This is getting tiresome.

_He pushes in RIKER 4._

**RIKERs 1-3** _(in unison)_ **:** Oh, _bleep_.

**RO:** Not another one!

**RIKER 1:** This is all I need!

**RO:** I'm getting a headache.

**RIKER 4** _(singsong)_ **:** I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker!

**RIKER 1:** Well, we can be pretty sure it isn't _him_!

**RIKER 3:** Oh no! It's Skippy!

**RIKER 2:** Skippy?!

**RIKER 1:** He doesn't know about Skippy. He can't possibly be real.

**RIKER 3:** Ha! That implies you _aren't_ real!

**RIKER 1:** No it doesn't!

**FERENGI:** Sing to the one for the weaving road, and the dog, and each of his hairs.

**RO:** Yes, Eddington is going to _die_.

_Cut to_ Voyager _briefing room. The senior staff is standing around shuffling their feet._

**JANEWAY:** That's it. I'm taking the lot of you! And you're going to _enjoy_ your shore leave before we go to the meeting.

**CHAKOTAY:** I'm not going to just go -- wandering around the station.

**B'ELANNA:** Neither am I.

**HARRY:** I nearly got cheated out of my life savings the last time I was here! I'm not risking that again!

**JANEWAY:** Well, Mr. Paris will make sure nothing like that happens.

**TOM:** I'm busy.

**JANEWAY:** No you aren't. And I don't understand what _you're_ worried about, Tom.

**SEVEN:** I am disinterested in recreational activity at this time. I am also disinterested in encountering a lynch mob.

**JANEWAY:** We'll stick together, if you really want to.

_There's a sound outside the door. CHAKOTAY looks to see what it is._

**CHAKOTAY:** Captain, your assistant is here.

_NAOMI Wildman enters, grinning sheepishly. Everyone smiles tolerantly._

**NEELIX:** Oh! Hello, Naomi. Would you like to go to the holodeck?

**JANEWAY:** No, Neelix, you're coming with us. And I _really_ don't get why _you're_ worried. Janeway to Ensign Wildman--

**WILDMAN** _(from combadge)_ **:** Is it Naomi? I'll be right up.

**JANEWAY** _(thoughtfully)_ **:** I wonder if Samantha would like to take Naomi on a tour of the station?

**TOM:** Maybe she could take my place in the group.

**JANEWAY:** No.

_Ensign Samantha WILDMAN comes in and picks up NAOMI._

**WILDMAN:** I'm sorry, Captain.

**JANEWAY:** That's all right. Are you going to want shore leave?

**WILDMAN:** Well, I guess so.

**JANEWAY:** That's a more enthusiastic response than I've gotten from this lot. Thank you. _(pauses)_ Hmm. I wonder, what about Icheb, Mezoti, Azan, and Rebi?

**CHAKOTAY** _(aghast)_ **:** You have to be joking!

**TOM:** Captain Picard's on the station. He's afraid of Borg. He's afraid of kids. The Borg Scouts would-- would--

**JANEWAY:** True.

_Cut to Ops. ENSIGN LAMPSHADE is standing at the console with the_ Do NOT open any attachments _sign, addressing the comm._

**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE:** Well, I don't know. We're all very busy here. How about we say you can come onto the station... but I can't guarantee anything.

**VOICE:** Clock's ticking. Who's _this_ lucky arrival?

**ENSIGN LAMPSHADE:** You're cleared for docking. _(pause as he turns off the comm, then, thoughtfully)_ I wonder if I should tell someone there's a bunch of wanted fugitives fleeing an assortment of evil militaristic governments trying to get repairs here? _(another pause)_ Nah. Too routine. __

_Return to detention cells as RIKER 5 is tossed in, looking affronted._

**RIKER 5:** What is going on here?

**RO:** Why don't you tell me?

**RIKER 5:** Ro Laren! What are you doing here?

**RO:** Trying to put up with you lot.

_RIKER 5 notices the other RIKERs for the first time._

**RIKER 5:** Who are they?

**RO:** I have no idea.

**RIKER 1:** Does the word 'Skippy' mean anything to you?

_RIKER 5 looks completely nonplused and shakes his head._

**RIKER 1:** Another fake!

**RIKER 2:** And what are you? _I'm_ the real Commander Riker.

**RIKER 3:** No, I am!

**RIKER 4:** Sing as the spirits move you, sing to your doubling eye...

**RIKER 2:** Well, _he's_ not.

**RIKER 3:** It's Skippy, I'm telling you!

**RIKER 2:** Uh, right. Skippy.

**RO:** Just shut up, all of you! Oh, this is hopeless.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 6 (about 1700 words) concerning Shore Leave, First Officers, Corridor Ghouls, Conferences, Rory the Rancor, and the Sorts of Guests About Whom You Don't Need to Tell the Senior Staff, Because It's Too Routine

**6**  


  
_Open as JANEWAY steps from_ Voyager _onto DS9. She pauses for a moment._

**JANEWAY:** Stalling will get you nowhere.

_CHAKOTAY, TOM, TUVOK, HARRY, B'ELANNA, SEVEN, NEELIX, KES, the DOCTOR, WILDMAN, and NAOMI come out in a big bunch._

**CHAKOTAY:** Let's hurry up and get to the meeting.

**JANEWAY:** What happened to shore leave?

_No response. JANEWAY sighs and rolls her eyes. They go to the Promenade. Most of the people who were there are still there; LEIA has brought in NOMI and WAN-WAN; KEIKO and MOLLY are trying to finish their shopping, with KIRAYOSHI in tow; JACEN has left._

**JAINA:** Why do you suppose those people are walking in such a tight group? They seem really nervous.

**ANAKIN:** Maybe they're scared of Wan-Wan. I wouldn't blame them.

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a Rancor from our imagination...

**NOMI:** Make him stop! Wan-Wan, shut up!

_WAN-WAN continues singing._

**NAOMI:** Mommy, why is that little boy singing?

**WILDMAN:** I'm not sure, honey.

_Cut back to the docking ring, where some more reluctant tourists are leaving their ship..._

**JOHN:** Look, I have no _idea_ what he thought he was doing.

**AERYN:** Yes, you told us.

**CHIANA:** It was a Human. What can you expect?

**JOHN:** _Normal_ humans do not wear lampshades on their heads!

**ENSIGN PILLOWCASE:** Greetings, and welcome to Deep Space Nine!

_There is a brief, startled pause._

**JOHN:** Oh, God. __

_Cut to some corridor deep in the bowels of DS9. JACEN is walking along with a flashlight, a box of buggy treats, and a carrying case._

**JACEN:** Reddy! Reddy! C'mere, Reddy, you wanna treat? C'mon, Reddy...

_Cut to detention cells._

**RO:** So you're Thomas Riker. Are you sure about that?

**RIKER 1:** Yes. Come on! Believe me!

**RIKER 3:** Well, I'm sure not Thomas Riker, thankfully. I don't know why he's admitting it.

**RIKER 1:** Maybe because I'd rather be Thomas Riker than a Dominion spy, thank you very much.

**RIKER 3:** Well, how do we know you aren't a Dominion Spy pretending to be Thomas Riker pretending to be me.

**RIKER 5:** Pretending to be _me_ , you mean.

**RIKER 4:** I'm William Riker, I'm William Riker...

**RIKER 3:** You're _Skippy_ Riker.

**RO:** Skippy Riker?

**RIKER 1:** It's a long story.

**RIKER 2:** This is ridiculous.

**RO:** And you're telling me!

**RIKER 5:** But _I'm_ William Riker!

**RO:** If _one_ more person says that...

_Return to Promenade. KEIKO and WILDMAN have struck up a conversation. The other_ Voyager _people are still in a big clump._

**JANEWAY:** Will you people stop it? You're making me feel like a mother duck. Do something!

**HARRY:** Like what?

**JANEWAY:** Arrgh! I don't know!

**CHAKOTAY:** We could try and find their conference room.

_JANEWAY shakes her head._

_MOLLY and NAOMI have started talking. They're soon joined by some other young kids -- NASHIRA, NOMI, and KIRAYOSHI. WAN-WAN stays put and keeps singing._

**NAOMI:** ...so everyone's all _gushy_ about it, like, 'we're home! oh, sweet home!' ****

NASHIRA: My mom's kind of like that about Alderaan. Only Alderaan got blown up.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Boom!

**MOLLY:** How'd that happen?

_TAHIRI joins them._

**TAHIRI:** Darth Vader did it with the Death Star, but I wouldn't worry about it if I were you.

**NOMI:** What we have to worry about is stupid Wan-Wan.

**WAN-WAN:** I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

**NASHIRA:** Is he thinking of the same family I am?

_The_ Farscape _people are now coming onto the Promenade, also in a clump, nervously looking around. JOHN is of course in the lead._

**NAOMI:** Now _he's_ got a nasty Sign.

**NASHIRA:** Oh? Where?

**NAOMI:** That guy with all the aliens.

**MOLLY** _(reading it)_ **:** 'Torture me.' That is nasty.

_Unaware of the scrutiny:_

**JOHN:** Okay, anyone see anything that looks like a machine shop? We want to get this dealt with as soon as possible.

_Nearby..._

**KEIKO:** It can't have been easy for you, having the only child on the entire ship!

**WILDMAN:** Not _quite_ the only child... But when that was all I had to worry about, I felt lucky! It's like we get into some sort of trouble every week.

**KEIKO:** Sounds a lot like station life.

**WILDMAN:** Really, though, it could be--

_WILDMAN suddenly breaks off, staring at a corridor ghoul, CUTIE._

**WILDMAN:** What...

_CUTIE quickly bites JOHN, then lunges for the little kids; TAHIRI snatches NOMI out of the way just in time._

**JOHN:** Hey! Ow! Everyone watch out for the critter!

**AERYN:** What the frell--

**VOICE:** Oops! I have to remember to _bleep_ that!

**NOMI:** Jacen's stupid pet tried to kill me! ****

**KEIKO:** Not another one!

**ANAKIN:** Uh-oh -- it's Cutie! She's a mean one!

_CUTIE prepares to dive at the kids again. SEVEN kicks her._

**SEVEN:** The creature has been neutralized.

**JAINA:** It's called a corridor ghoul.

_Cut to random hallway with JACEN, still holding flashlight, buggy treats, etc._

**JACEN:** Cutie!

_The sad music goes on. Return to Promenade._

**JAINA** _(over the music)_ **:** You must have broken its neck.

**AERYN:** This place is getting even _stranger_. What did they call it? A corridor ghoul?

**JOHN:** Yeah, well it's not -- ow! -- from Earth! _Bleep_ ed critters...

**CHIANA** _(giggles)_ **:** Looks kind of like Rygel.

**RYGEL:** It does _not_ \--

**JANEWAY:** Are they common on the station?

**ANAKIN:** Not before Jacen got here.

_JAINA is wilting with embarrassment. LUKE arrives just as the music stops._

**LUKE** _(wearily)_ **:** Another one, huh? Where _is_ Jacen, anyway?

**MARA** _(shrugs)_ **:** He left after he got the posters down. Probably looking for Reddy.

**NOMI:** Uncle Luke, make Wan-Wan shut up!

_JANEWAY turns on the_ Farscape _people, who are still reacting to the bite in JOHN's leg._

**JANEWAY:** Are you not from the Federation?

**JOHN:** Um, no. I'm--

**JANEWAY:** Excellent! Then you can come to the meeting, too!

**JOHN:** W-what?

**MARA:** So Jaina, do you have any idea how all these corridor ghouls are getting off the ship?

**JAINA:** None! I mean, I know you might expect Jacen to have let them, but I think he honestly didn't, and he certainly wouldn't have left them here after they started getting killed. I don't know _what's_ happened. Maybe we ought to check the ship...

_Cut to the_ Falcon _, where the wind-up Rory the Rancor toy is still up against the door control panel. The doors are open and the cages are empty._

_Cut back to Promenade._

**LUKE:** Where's Leia?

**JAINA:** Um, shopping, I think. _(hollers)_ Mom, Uncle Luke wants to talk to you!

**WAN-WAN** _(singing)_ **:** Rory is a Rancor...

**NOMI:** Uncle Luke! Make him stop!

_Back to the detention cells._

**RO** _(to RIKER 1)_ **:** All right. I suppose you've convinced me that you're Thomas Riker, but who are all these other people?

**RIKER 1:** How am I supposed to know? That may very well be Skippy.

**RO:** Somebody tell me who Skippy is!

**RIKER 3:** My evil twin. Even worse than Thomas.

**RIKER 2:** You're making that up.

**RIKER 5:** When is someone going to let me out of here?

**RIKER 4:** I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker...

**RO and RIKERS 1, 2, 3, and 5:** Shut up!

**VOICE:** Maybe we should stop calling him Riker 1.

**RO:** _You_ be quiet, too.

_People are starting to gather in the conference room -- there are a lot of them. Some, namely JAINA and ANAKIN, weren't supposed to be there. Others, namely JOHN, AERYN, ZHAAN, and RYGEL, don't seem to be quite sure what they're doing there. EZRI has a bandage on her arm. There is a pile of dead corridor ghouls in the middle of the table._

**RYGEL** _(whispered)_ **:** Those do _not_ look like me!

**SISKO:** Could someone explain what these are, please? Before they try to eat any more of my senior staff? ****

**LUKE:** All right. Corridor ghouls are native to Coruscant and unique to Coruscant. They don't live here.

**HAN:** Or they _didn't_ until now.

**JOHN:** One of them bit me!

**ANAKIN:** They do that all the time.

**JOHN:** Do their bites have any side effects? Like, parasite infestations, insanity, that sort of thing?

**ANAKIN:** Uhhh... not that I _know_ of.

**LUKE:** I'm afraid these are definitely some of Jacen's. They even have collars.

**JAINA:** Toto, Big Boy, and Cutie. Those are -- I mean were -- their names.

**ANAKIN:** These aren't even the worst ones. And there are no corridor ghouls on the ship -- they're all here!

**JAINA:** Uh huh -- Punk, Dude, Toothy, Chomper, Jack the Ripper, Sweetie, Snookums, Fang, Little-Brother-Eater, Delinquent, Melvin...

**SISKO** _(faintly)_ **:** Those are some... interesting names.

**ANAKIN:** Tell me about it. Little-Brother-Eater! I think he's trying to kill me or something.

**JAINA:** Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to him about that one... I suppose he could have meant Wan-Wan.

**ANAKIN:** Hey, good point.

_Meanwhile, the bewildered_ Farscape _people are having a separate conversation._

**ZHAAN:** What are we doing here?

**AERYN:** I don't know. Ask John.

**JOHN:** _I_ don't know! Looking for someone to patch up this bite in my leg?

**RYGEL:** We're trying to make an arrangement with these people, _ob_ viously, in order to--

**JOHN, AERYN and ZHAAN** _(in unison)_ **:** Shut up.

**RYGEL:** How dare you tell a Dominar--

**AERYN:** Do you want to get knocked out? Where'd Chiana go?

**ZHAAN:** She said she was looking for supplies.

**JOHN:** Oh, great.

**ZHAAN:** Don't worry, D'Argo went with her.

**JOHN:** Oh, _great_.

_Back at the other conversation..._

**PICARD:** So... your Security officer told me there are five Rikers now.

**CALHOUN** _(to SHELBY, aside)_ **:** Speaking of Security, where's Kebron?

**SHELBY** _(to CALHOUN, aside)_ **:** Don't ask.

**SISKO:** Yes, but one of the first two has admitted he's Thomas Riker.

**PICARD:** That still leaves at least three who are claiming to be William Riker, but can't be.

**JADZIA** _(brightly)_ **:** Unless there was _another_ transporter accident.

_PICARD shudders expressively._

**TROI:** I think one duplicate was quite enough.

**CALHOUN:** What do you mean, _don't ask_?

**SHELBY:** It has to do with goldfish, sir.

_Enter JANEWAY, coaxing in her senior staff behind her._

**SISKO:** And Colonel Kira will be here in a minute with the envoys from... wherever it was. Now that everyone's more-or-less here, let's get this meeting underway.

**HAN:** Here's to trying.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 7 (about 1600 words) concerning Brig Inmates, First Officers, Conferences, Campaigning, and Chicken Little

**7**  


_  
Open back in the detention cells. RO is_ right _next to the forcefield, looking as if she's about to start shaking it._

**RO:** Please! You have to let me out of here! I'm going to go crazy!

**RIKER 3:** What about me?!

**RIKER 1:** And me!

**RIKER 2:** And me!

**RIKER 5:** Listen to you. Obviously you're all spies.

**RIKER 1:** I _know_ I'm a spy.

**RIKER 3:** But I'm the real one!

**RIKER 4:** I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker...

**RO:** Somebody shut him up, or I'm going to kill him.

_Abruptly, CHIANA is tossed in._

**CHIANA:** Hey! I didn't do it! For once...

**RIKERS 1, 3, 4 and 5** _(in unison)_ **:** Hey bay-BEE hey bay-BEE...

**RIKER 2:** Uh... Hey baby, hey baby?

**CHIANA:** Well... um... thanks for the compliment, boys, but I really don't have time for anything right now. _(to RIKER 2)_ And what's the matter with _you_?

**RO:** Just ignore them... him... well, ignore it. You'll only encourage them.

_Cut to the conference room._

**JANEWAY** _(with a big fake smile)_ **:** So, what shall we discuss first?

_SISKO looks at the_ Voyager _Maquis, then at SEVEN, then at the ceiling._

**PICARD:** Maybe our guests from the, ah, New Republic could tell us something about their history.

_All Federation people eagerly seize upon this safe subject._

**JANEWAY:** That sounds fascinating!

**SISKO:** Yes, excellent.

**LUKE:** Well, Leia?

**LEIA:** I was thinking maybe Han could start.

**HAN** _(indicates_ Farscape _group)_ **:** Or maybe _these_ people would like to start, no one's ever heard of _them_.

_They get the deer-in-the-headlights look. Somehow, AERYN, ZHAAN, and RYGEL gravitate behind JOHN._

**JOHN:** Um... er... well... My name is Larraq -- no, wait -- um-- Some help here?

**AERYN:** This is your species, you deal with it!

**JOHN:** Hey, I'm the one bleeding all over the rug, I shouldn't even be in here.

**DOCTOR:** I could show my holo collection.

**TOM:** I'd prefer hearing about--

**KIRA** _(from offscreen)_ **:** No! Wait! Stay out of there!

_Several VEDEKS VOTEFERME march into the room. They all look somewhat similar._

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 1:** Greetings, my children. May the Prophets watch over you!

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 2:** May the Prophets guide your way!

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 3:** Hey, I'm really holy.

**SISKO** _(under his breath)_ **:** Oh, no. Not now.

_KIRA follows the VEDEKS VOTEFERME into the room._

**KIRA** _(to SISKO, very apologetic)_ **:** I'm sorry, Captain. I went to get the envoys, but they were having some sort of internal dispute over... precedence, or something, and the Vedeks just heard the word conference, and, well, then there was no stopping them.

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 1:** Allow me, good people, to explain why I am the most appropriate Vedek to--

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 2:** I most humbly submit that I may possess some qualities--

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 3:** Hey, I'm holier than everybody else!

**SISKO:** If you could all just--

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 2:** Emissary! The Prophets smile on you!

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 1:** What messages have the Prophets given you for me, Emissary?

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 3:** Emissary, don't you think I'm, like, totally holy?

**HAN:** That does it. I'm leaving.

_He gets up._

**LEIA:** Han! Come back here!

_HAN ignores her and leaves._

**AERYN:** Now there's a sensible person.

**JOHN:** Yeah.

_They start to head for the door, but can't get there due to the press of people and dead corridor ghouls._

**AERYN:** Oh, _bleep_. Please tell me we aren't trapped in here.

**ZHAAN:** Maybe we should stay. We still need to find someone to deal with that Peacekeeper device interfering with Moya's navigation.

**JOHN:** You know, I never thought they subcontracted out...

_Cut to a conduit on Moya where a DRD is poking at a sinister-looking device. On the device is a label reading_ Plot Devices, Inc. _._

_Cut to TAHIRI, NASHIRA, MOLLY, and KIRAYOSHI, obviously bored, running into NAOMI in the docking ring._

**NAOMI:** Hi. What are all of you doing here?

**NASHIRA:** Getting bored.

**MOLLY:** We had to get off the Promenade. Kai Winn's giving a speech or something.

**NAOMI:** Who's that?

**MOLLY:** A Bajoran spiritual leader, except most of the people on the station don't like her much, and now she might be going to be recalled, only my dad said it was a godawful mess. And then I have to watch Yoshi, too.

**KIRAYOSHI:** You're mean.

**TAHIRI:** I have to keep an eye on the loony Solos.

**NASHIRA:** Hey!

**TAHIRI:** I don't mean you. It's your brothers -- even Anakin -- who are _really_ nutty.

**NASHIRA:** I know. You know, I think Jacen is _still_ looking for his stupid pet bug.

_Cut to lower corridor, where you-know-who is waving his flashlight around the walls._

**JACEN:** Reddy! Reddy!

_Return to docking ring._

**TAHIRI:** Don't get me wrong, he's a good person, all that, but when it comes to his pets...

**MOLLY:** Is he the one with the dangerous animals?

**NASHIRA** _(glumly)_ **:** That's Jacen.

**NAOMI:** He needs medical help.

**TAHIRI:** Mmm-hmm.

**MOLLY:** So now what do we do?

**NAOMI:** I could show you around _Voyager_ , if you want.

**NASHIRA:** Sure!

_Cut back to conference room. The VEDEKS VOTEFERME seem to be having a raging, and lengthy, debate to which no one is listening, even SISKO, who's trying to get rid of them._

**SISKO:** Vedeks, if you could just--

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 1:** Don't you get all holier than thou with me!

**SISKO:** \-- pay attention for--

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 3:** I _am_ holier!

**SISKO:** \-- a few _bleep_ ing _seconds_!

_KIRA looks deeply depressed._

**KIRA:** I mean, did Bajor do something wrong? Why are almost all of our religious leaders -- the ones still alive -- like this?

**JADZIA:** You could try getting them some professional help.

**EZRI:** Don't look at me.

**TROI:** Or me!

**SOLETA:** Or at me.

**TROI:** You? You're not a counselor.

**SOLETA:** Tell that to the crew.

**JADZIA:** It was worth a try. Has anyone seen Julian lately?

**EZRI:** I think he's in the infirmary, patching up his leg.

**JOHN:** Why hasn't anyone patched up _my_ leg?

**ZHAAN:** Quit whining and stick it over here. ****

_Cut to Quark's Place. QUARK is serving drinks to, among others, CALHOUN, HAN, LANDO, D'ARGO, and JOTHEE. M'PELLA is at the dabo tables; CALHOUN is ogling her._

**CALHOUN** _(to M'PELLA)_ **:** What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

**M'PELLA:** I thought you were engaged to Commander Shelby.

_He splutters. Meanwhile, D'ARGO and JOTHEE are attempting some father-son bonding with dubious success._

**D'ARGO:** So... in a place like this, you choose a drink... and then look around... and you spot someone who's sort of looking at you the wrong way...

**QUARK:** And you do NOT start a fight in my bar, mister!

**D'ARGO** _(to QUARK, belligerently)_ **:** What are you looking at?

**QUARK:** Two people who'd better be careful if they don't want me to call Security to throw them out.

**M'PELLA:** Ooohhh, he's threatening to deliberately call Odo. You're making him mad.

**JOTHEE:** Oh, he's a stupid person to pick a fight with.

**HAN** _(helpfully)_ **:** Yeah, major rule of bar fights -- never attack the bartender. _(he turns back to a previous conversation)_ I still want to know what you're doing here, Lando.

**LANDO:** Huh?

**HAN** _(sighs)_ **:** I mean, how did you get here? Where is your ship? _Why_ are you here?

**LANDO:** Huh?

**HAN:** Are you all right, Lando?

**LANDO:** Huh?

**HAN:** You didn't let your drink out of your sight, did you? Cuz I read this pamphlet--

**CALHOUN** _(to D'ARGO, belligerently)_ **:** What are you looking at?

**D'ARGO** _(equally belligerently)_ **:** What am I looking at? I'm looking at a--

**QUARK:** Ah-ah-ah!

**JOTHEE:** Dad, this is _boring_. Can't we do something interesting? You know, _interesting_ interesting?

**HAN:** There are times when I look at other people's children and think, you know, corridor ghouls aren't so bad.

_Cut to junk shop as CHEWBACCA continues to sift through stuff, tossing aside a Furby, half a hang glider, a canoe, a manual typewriter. He shifts aside a tinfoil-covered hat and frowns as he uncovers a gold leg which looks familiar._

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** Hmm. This looks kinda like...

_He sighs, then looks at the counter; there's a sign saying OUT TO LUNCH._

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** _Bleep_. I'll have to come back later and get this. ****

_Cut to conference room as they continue to try to get rid of the VEDEKS VOTEFERME._

**VEDEKS VOTEFERME** _(all heard together in a jumble)_ **:** Prophets holy Emissary holier support me me me--

**SISKO** _(desperately)_ **:** Hey, did you hear Kai Winn will be talking about all of you in the diplomat's lounge to a crowd of constituents?

**VEDEKS VOTEFERME** _(in unison)_ **:** What?!

_They stampede from the room. Everyone looks hugely relieved._ ****

SISKO: I feel sorry for those envoys. Now that _that's_ over with--

_ENSIGN PILLOWCASE runs in._

**ENSIGN PILLOWCASE:** Captain Sisko, Captain Sisko, the Dominion is coming, the Dominion is coming!

_There is a short pause._

**JOHN:** Uh, thank you Chicken Little. My microbes didn't quite get that.

_ENSIGN PILLOWCASE is followed by NOG._

**SISKO:** Nog! Good! Some clarification?

**NOG** _(gasping for breath)_ **:** It's... really... the Dominion. Bunch... of ships, right... through the wormhole.

**SISKO:** Oh, _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Such language, Benjamin!

**ALL:** Shut up!

**SISKO:** All right, we're in trouble. All hands to battle stations -- you may want to get back to your ship, Captain Janeway.

**PICARD:** My ship isn't here.

**SISKO:** Right. Um, well, you might be able to get on the _Defiant_ \--

**JANEWAY:** _Voyager_ can take them.

_The_ Voyager _senior staff stares at JANEWAY in betrayed shock; the DS9-ers wipe their foreheads in an exaggerated gesture of relief._

**JANEWAY:** ...But I don't think we can get the whole _Excalibur_ staff.

_The_ Voyager _people brighten._

**SISKO:** Oh. Um. Well.

**JADZIA:** Well, we need to do something about the attack!

**JOHN:** Sorry, but what's the Dominion?

**LUKE:** Um, actually, I don't know.

**O'BRIEN:** Please, let us not have to evacuate.

**ZHAAN:** I think it's time to leave.

**SISKO:** Enough. Let's get going!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 8 (about 2300 words) concerning Evacuation, First Officers, Spies, Chaos, and Confusion

**8**  


  
_Open on Ops. O'BRIEN is extremely frustrated._

**EZRI:** What's wrong?

**O'BRIEN:** I can't get the bloody red-alert to turn on!

**EZRI:** Oh. That's not good.

**O'BRIEN:** Bloody right it isn't! No one's going to know that anything's wrong until we get it working or the station starts shaking! Bloody _bleep_ ing viruses...

**EZRI:** So red alert's a nonessential system now, huh? __

_SISKO hurries in, followed by the rest of his senior staff._

**SISKO:** All right, who's with the _Defiant_ and who's here?

_Everyone talks at once._

**SISKO:** Calm down! I can't understand you!

_Cut to Promenade. JANEWAY is giving instructions to her senior staff, who are clustered around._

**JANEWAY:** ...and apparently their internal communications aren't working too well, either, so we'll have to round up all the shore-leavers. I'll head straight back to the ship and greet Captain Picard and company.

**TOM:** I can't believe you actually invited them--

**JANEWAY:** Enough. It could have been the _Excalibur_. Chakotay, Tuvok, I want _Voyager_ at battle readiness. Neelix, Kes, Doctor, just get back to the ship. B'Elanna, if you could--

**B'ELANNA:** Small problem, Captain. Most of my engineers are on leave.

**JANEWAY:** I see. Then you and Tom can round them up. Harry, Seven, go to the station science lab -- or Ops, if you have to -- and get the latest on the Dominion. Understood?

**ALL:** Right.

_They spread out. Not far away, SHELBY and SOLETA are standing together, demonstrating another style of rounding up crew members._

**SHELBY:** Captain! Kebron! McHenry! Si Cwan! Lefler! Selar! Burgoyne!

_Not far away from them, the_ Farscape _people are looking around._

**JOHN:** All right. Zhaan, get Rygel back to the ship, and see if you can find Stark. Aeryn and I will try and find Chiana, D'Argo, and Jothee.

**AERYN:** I shudder to think what they're doing.

**JOHN:** Me, too, but let's go.

_Cut to Bajoran shrine. The_ Voyager _people can be seen out the window running around, while KAI WINN blabbers about something to some nonplussed Generic Bajoran MONKS._

**KAI WINN:** So I represent Bajor's best hope for--

**MONK:** Something's going on.

**KAI WINN:** Don't interrupt me. I am doing my best to lead the Bajorans on the path--

**MONK:** But Eminence, it looks like--

**KAI WINN:** Be quiet. Now, as I was saying, this foolish idea of a recall is _totally_...

_Cut to_ Falcon _'s cockpit. LUKE is checking systems; CHEWBACCA is working there too._

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** All right, everything's good except the hyperdrive.

**LUKE:** No parts, huh?

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** None.

**LUKE** _(calls over his shoulder)_ **:** Chewie says everything's fine but the hyperdrive. I hope we can get a lift if it comes to that.

**MARA** _(from offscreen)_ **:** So do I. I have Wan-Wan and Nomi strapped in, but where are all the rest of the kids?

**LUKE:** I know Jaina was going to look for Jacen...

_Cut to SI CWAN checking the tailor shop with a magnifying glass while ROBIN Lefler looks over his shoulder._

**ROBIN:** What are you doing?

**SI CWAN:** Looking for Kalinda.

**ROBIN:** I'm pretty sure I heard the commander calling...

_Cut to security office. ODO is doing something at the desk; in the cells, RO, CHIANA, and the RIKERs are sitting around glumly._

**RO:** I really hope I misheard that last communication.

**RIKER 2:** Why?

**RO and RIKERS 1, 3, and 5:** _Why_? You're asking _why_?

**CHIANA:** Um, actually, I'd like to know why, too.

_She's ignored._

**RIKER 1:** Whoever he is, he didn't do his research.

**RIKER 3:** Obviously you know a lot about spying.

**RIKER 1:** I already said--

**RO:** Haven't you ever heard of the Dominion? We could all get killed.

**RIKER 2:** Oh. The Dominion. Of course. I didn't hear right. I thought he was talking about the 'Opinion.'

**RIKER 5:** Yeah, right.

**CHIANA:** Uh, Dominion. Is that anything like the Peacekeepers?

**RO:** Not ever having heard of the Peacekeepers, I couldn't say.

**CHIANA:** You never heard of the PKs?

**RO:** Well, _you_ never heard of the Dominion. It's an evil militaristic... dominion.

**CHIANA:** Okay, so a lot like them.

**RIKER 2** _(mutters)_ **:** This is the last time I take a job like this.

**RIKER 4:** I'm Commander--

**RIKER 2:** Shut _up_!

**RO:** Hey, Security Chief! How about a gag for Riker 4 here?

**RIKER 3:** That's _Skippy_ Riker.

**CHIANA:** Hey! Can't you just send me back to the ship or something?!

**ODO** _(to himself)_ **:** This is insane. I trust the Maquis traitor more than any of the rest.

**RO:** Well, there's a reason for that.

**RIKER 1:** Hey!

_ODO leaves._

**RO:** Wait! Come back! You aren't just going to leave me here with these weirdoes, are you? That's cruel and unusual punishment!

**CHIANA:** Yeah, what she said!

_Cut to random corridor. JAINA is going through at a run._

**JAINA:** Jacen! Jacen! Come on, Jace, we're leaving! Jacen! This place is about to be under _attack_!

_Cut to other random corridor, where JACEN continues to search._

**JACEN:** Reddy! Reddy! C'mere, you want a treat?

_Cut to Quark's. All those previously seen are still there, as well as JOR and DELL, sitting at the bar._

**DELL:** Ahhh... a real drink. At last. You have no idea of the kind of swill I've had to put up with lately.

**HAN:** Oh, I might. You ever been to Mos Eisley? There are drinks they have there which crawl out of the glass and try to consume _you_.

**LANDO:** Huh?

**HAN:** Although I'm kind of wondering about whatever he had.

**JOR** _(to DELL)_ **:** Aren't you supposed to be confined to quarters?

**DELL:** Well... But I didn't deserve it. It wasn't any sort of big deal or anything. It was just for fun.

**JOR:** I don't think Vorik liked it very much.

**HAN:** What?

**CALHOUN:** A prank?

**JOR:** Dell got caught duct-taping Vorik to the warp core. Again.

**HAN:** Oh. What's a warp core?

**QUARK, CALHOUN, M'PELLA, DELL, and JOR:** _What's a warp_ \--

_They can't finish ridiculing HAN (or start in on the_ Farscape _people if they express confusion) because right then, outside on the Promenade:_

**B'ELANNA:** Dell! Jor! Get back to the ship right now! I know you're here somewhere, Dell!

**DELL:** Oh, no!

**JOR:** Hey, I have legitimate shore leave! She can't take it back just like that!

**CALHOUN:** Tough luck.

**QUARK:** What's wrong?

**JOR:** The chief engineer is looking for us.

**DELL:** I haven't finished my drink!

**QUARK:** Well... for a price, I can get you a holosuite to hide in.

**JOR:** Well... I shouldn't...

**QUARK:** Any number of simulations are available.

**DELL:** Don't be a wimp. Come on!

_QUARK shows DELL and JOR towards the holosuites. HAN is about to go back to his drink when ANAKIN comes in._

**HAN:** Anakin, what is it now?

**ANAKIN:** I think the station's about to be attacked. We're leaving or something. I thought you might want to know about it.

**HAN:** Oh. Where are your siblings?

**ANAKIN:** Somewhere.

**HAN:** Well, round them up and get back to the _Falcon_.

**ANAKIN:** Okay. What's Lando doing here?

**HAN:** I don't know. I think he might be sick.

**CALHOUN:** Leave without a fight? Never!

_He pulls out a sword and charges out of the bar._

**JOTHEE:** What's going on?

**D'ARGO:** I don't think it applies to--

_AERYN storms in._

**AERYN:** Are you two completely oblivious to what's going on around you? This station is about to be under attack! Move it!

**D'ARGO:** Do you know, there are times when she reminds me of your mother?

_AERYN grabs both of them by the ears and drags them out._

**JOTHEE:** But we didn't even get a chance to try the holosuite--

_Cut to Wildman quarters on_ Voyager _. NAOMI is showing her guests around._

**NAOMI:** And now we can go meet--

_She breaks off as the ship's red alert sounds._

**NAOMI:** Uh oh.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Red alert! Fun! ****

MOLLY: Be quiet, Kirayoshi.

_Cut to just inside Ops. JADZIA is giving HARRY and SEVEN a quick lesson, while downloading info to be transferred to_ Voyager _._

**JADZIA:** ...and I think that about sums it up. Any questions?

**HARRY:** No, not really. We'd better get to _Voyager_ \-- thanks!

_Cut to Promenade. TOM is directing a few junior crew toward the docking ring, while B'ELANNA looks very irritated. In the background, AERYN marches D'ARGO and JOTHEE past._

**JOTHEE** _(in background)_ **:** But the _holosuites_ \--

**B'ELANNA:** _Bleep_ it, I know they're here somewhere!

**TOM:** Who?

**B'ELANNA:** Dell and Jor.

**TOM:** I thought you'd confined Dell to quarters.

**B'ELANNA:** I did. He escaped. And now he's somewhere on the station and I can't find him -- he's probably hiding, and Jor, too. I'm tempted to just leave them here.

**TOM:** That's a thought.

_WILDMAN comes in, looking harried._

**TOM:** Hey, Sam, where's Naomi?

**WILDMAN:** On the ship. I've heard about what's happening.

**B'ELANNA:** Have you by any chance seen Crewman Dell or Crewman Jor?

**WILDMAN:** Not for a while now.

**B'ELANNA:** Drat.

**WILDMAN:** Why? Are they missing? Can I help?

**B'ELANNA:** More like hiding -- but if you see them, just tell me. And tell them I'm looking for them.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. MCHENRY is at the helm, though the ship isn't going anywhere and he doesn't belong on it. ENSIGN X, supposed to be piloting, is standing behind him looking bewildered._

**ENSIGN X:** That is, uh, my station when L-- E-- M-- _ahem_ , Lieutenant Paris isn't here. __

No response from MCHENRY. The only Voyager _senior officer on the bridge is TUVOK, at Security. There are a lot of_ Enterprise _officers standing around awkwardly._

**PICARD:** I don't like doing this without Commander Riker.

_No one replies. The turbolift doors open, and JANEWAY enters, speaking to her combadge._

**JANEWAY:** ...all right, Ensign, we have all of it. Now hurry up and get back here!

**HARRY** _(from combadge)_ **:** We're on our way, Captain.

**JANEWAY:** Have they gotten the station on red alert yet?

**HARRY** _(from combadge)_ **:** No, I don't think so. But a lot of the people here have some idea something's--

**JANEWAY:** I hope they don't have riots. Hurry! Janeway out.

_She slaps the combadge and turns to the_ Enterprise _officers._

**JANEWAY:** Hello again, everyone. Welcome to _Voyager_. _(pause)_ And you, too, Lt. McHenry.

**PICARD:** We're pleased to be here, Captain Janeway. When are we undocking from the station?

**JANEWAY:** As soon as everyone's back. We've had a little trouble tracking them all down.

_Cut to Promenade as people dash about._

**B'ELANNA:** _Bleep_ it, _bleep_ it, _bleep_ it, where _are_ they?!

**JOHN:** Chiana? Chiana! We're leaving!

_Cut to Ops. The DS9 senior staff is there (BASHIR has finally ditched the crutches; his leg is now fine)._

**SISKO:** All right. Dax -- I mean Ezri, O'Brien, you're with me. Worf, go get Captain Calhoun off the Promenade and drag him to the _Defiant_. Kira, you have the station.

**KIRA:** I just hope I don't have to surrender it.

**BASHIR:** So do I.

**SISKO:** Quit griping. We'll come back and get you.

**KIRA:** You'll come back and get the Starfleet personnel, you mean. You aren't allowed to get Odo and me.

**SISKO:** That's not--

**KIRA:** Or didn't you see the message Admiral Necheyev left for you?

**SISKO:** I'm sure it won't come to that. _(changes subject)_ There are supposedly transports picking up Federation citizens--

_The red alert goes on._

**O'BRIEN:** There! I got it, sir.

**SISKO:** Good! Now let's go!

_Cut to temple._

**KAI WINN:** Oh, dear! I had better remove my holy person from danger!

_Cut to a short view of the VEDEKS VOTEFERME hanging around the diplomat lounge. There is an alarm on the wall with an_ OUT OF ORDER _sign on it._

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 1:** I still don't see Kai Winn.

_Cut to docking ring. A lot of people are trying to find ships. Among them are JAKE and KEIKO._

**KEIKO:** I can't go now, I have to find Molly and Kirayoshi! They're gone!

**JAKE:** Mrs. O'Brien, this is an emergency! I'm sure they're fine!

**KEIKO:** No!

_She takes off just as the DRUNK AND DISORDERLY FERENGI toss WESLEY off a transport._

**WESLEY:** Hey! You can't do that!

**JAKE:** Obviously they can.

**WESLEY:** Hey! Who are you?

**JAKE:** Jake Sisko. Ah, were you all alone on that transport?

**WESLEY:** I wasn't, but then my copilot had an accident. His chair fell on him.

**JAKE:** Uh, right. Maybe we'd better try and find some way out of here.

_AERYN shoves her charges past and they head onto MOYA. STARK seems to be having a nervous breakdown in the hallway, but then that's normal._

**STARK:** A plan, a plan, the other side, my side, your side, must have a plan...

**AERYN:** Well, he's back. Pilot, is Crichton here?

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** No, and we've received no communication -- there's too much static.

**AERYN:** Fr _bleep_! D'Argo, stay here. Tell Zhaan I'm looking for Crichton.

_She heads back._

**STARK:** But -- but -- the plan--

**D'ARGO:** Be quiet. Come on!

_He and STARK sweep off farther into the ship, leaving JOTHEE by the airlock. He looks around, then sneaks back onto the station._

**JOTHEE:** I'm _going_ to try that holosuite...

_Cut to detention area. RIKER 5 is starting to look real strange._

**CHIANA:** What's the matter with _you_?

**RIKER 2:** Is it just my imagination, or is he _dissolving_?

**RIKER 3:** Dissolving?!

**RO:** Oh, _bleep_ , it really is a Dominion spy!

**RIKER 4:** Hey, look, everybody! I'm Commander Riker!

**RIKER 1:** Skippy, _shut up_.

**RIKER 5:** You're all fools.

_RIKER 5 dissolves into a goopy mess and oozes out a crack in the floor._

**CHIANA:** Yuck!

**RIKER 1:** Scary.

**RO:** I _really_ want out of here.

**RIKER 2:** That's it! I quit.

**RIKER 1:** Oh, so you're a spy, too.

**RIKER 3:** Well, so are _you_.

**RIKER 4:** I'm--

_RIKER 2 punches him. He keels over._

**RIKER 3:** I only _wish_ I was that strong.

**RO:** Don't you understand what's going on? Help! Help! Security people! You have a _Dominion spy_ loose on your station! Hello? Can anybody hear me?! Help!

  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 9 (about 2200 words) concerning Miscommunications, Mobs, Further Evacuation, Panic, Nasty Spies, and Missing the Boat

**9**  


  
_Open on chaos on docking ring. HAN shoves his way through to get to the_ Falcon _._

Follow him onto the ship, into the cockpit.

**HAN:** Finally! We'd better get going.

**LUKE** _(distracted)_ **:** Right. Good to see you're okay, Han. We're all here?

**HAN:** Um, I think so, if Chewie's here. Well, I had to leave Lando in the bar, but I--

**LEIA:** Lando?

**HAN:** Yeah, I don't know, but he's supposed to be leaving another way.

**LUKE:** Then let's get out of here!

_Cut to exterior space as the_ Falcon _unlatches from DS9 and pulls away._

**LUKE** _(voice-over)_ **:** I have a bad feeling...

**HAN** _(voice-over)_ **:** Don't get jittery.

_Cut to lower corridor with you-know-who, who hasn't noticed the red alert but is still looking for a red something else._

**JACEN:** Reddy! Reddy! Where are--

_A different Scarlet Death, ROSIE, emerges from a rubble pile._

**JACEN:** Rosie! How'd you get out?

_He picks up ROSIE and puts her in the bug carrier._

**JACEN:** Escaping, escaping. Sometimes I wonder about these guys... Now, if only I can find Reddy.

_Just then JAINA appears, running down the hall towards JACEN._

**JAINA:** Jacen, you idiot! Come on, we have to go right now!

_Cut to Pilot's den with, of course, PILOT._

**PILOT:** Moya's detecting the approaching ships, and they're very heavily armed. Is everyone back?

**ZHAAN** _(distracted)_ **:** Yes, I got them back--

**VOICE** _(cheerfully)_ **:** Uh-oh! __

Cut to Promenade. The station has started to shake, and there's a near-riot in progress. JOHN is frantically looking for CHIANA, who is of course not in evidence, being in the brig. HARRY and SEVEN come stumbling along, and nearly run into TOM.

**TOM:** What, you're still here?

**SEVEN:** We were unable to access the docking ring. We are attempting a second time.

**JOHN:** Have any of you seen a young woman with gray skin?

**SEVEN:** No.

**JOHN:** Okay, thanks. _Bleep_ it, where is she...?

_AERYN runs up._

**AERYN:** John! There you are! Come on, we have to get to Moya!

**JOHN:** Wait -- I haven't found Chiana.

**AERYN:** She can take care of herself and we have no time. Come on!

**HARRY:** Where's B'Elanna?

**TOM:** In there.

_He points to Quark's Place._

Cut to Quark's Place. B'ELANNA has QUARK by the collar and has pinned him against the wall.

**B'ELANNA:** Either you tell me where Dell and Jor are or I'll break your nose _and_ both your ears!

**QUARK:** All right! All right!

_He shows her to the holosuites. B'ELANNA pushes her way in and finds DELL and JOR enjoying a Caribbean beach._

**DELL and JOR:** Uh oh.

_Cut to Ops. KIRA, ODO, JADZIA, and lots of junior crew people are frantically working._

**KIRA:** What are those ships doing? Are they going to leave or not?

**JADZIA:** They may not have gotten all their crew yet.

**KIRA:** Hmm. Well--

_Cut to a lift going up to Ops. A puddle of gold goop -- the DOMINION SPY formerly known as RIKER 5 -- coalesces into the shape of LOVESTRUCK_

**DOMINION SPY:** Heh heh heh heh.

_'LOVESTRUCK' goes into Ops and casually approaches one of the tactical stations._

Cut to detention cells. The RIKERs, except for RIKER 2, have been demystified. We do know RIKER 2 isn't the real one.

**RO:** Oh, _bleep_. There is a _Dominion spy_ loose on the _bleep_ ing station and we can't do anything about it.

**THOMAS RIKER:** I don't see why you're worrying about it. It isn't our problem.

**RIKER:** Stupid traitor.

**RO:** Because the Dominion has allied with the _Cardassians_ , you moron!

**THOMAS RIKER:** Oh. That. Right.

**CHIANA:** Sure, fine. Nobody tell me what's going on. See if I care.

**RIKER 2:** I want to leave.

**CHIANA:** You think _you_ want to leave?

**RIKER:** Who doesn't?

**THOMAS RIKER:** Skippy, I think.

**SKIPPY:** Girls, girls, beautiful girls, how I love girls...

**CHIANA:** Keep your saliva to yourself.

**RO:** He makes me sick.

**RIKER:** I _really_ wish I wasn't related to him.

**RIKER 2:** I repeat, I'm never taking a job like this _ever_ again. __

Cut to docking ring. JOHN and AERYN are trying to reach MOYA and TOM, HARRY, SEVEN, B'ELANNA, WILDMAN, DELL, and JOR are trying to get to Voyager _, but there are too many people in the way._

**JOHN** _(trying and failing to push through)_ **:** Um, excuse me? Gangway!

**B'ELANNA:** If these two _idiots_ hadn't been hiding, we could have been there by now! Arrrrggghhh!

_SOLETA runs up, dragging SELAR._

**SOLETA:** Have you seen Commander Shelby?

**TOM:** No, maybe she made it to a ship.

**SELAR** _(to TOM)_ **:** Hel _lo_ , handsome.

**SOLETA:** Quiet.

**SELAR** _(to JOHN)_ **:** Hey there, big boy.

**JOHN** _(trying to retreat behind AERYN)_ **:** Uh...

_AERYN gives SELAR an intimidating look._

**SOLETA:** I _said_ be quiet. Terribly sorry, _pon farr_ , you know...

**DELL:** Keep her away from Ensign Kim -- _he_ had The Disease!

**SOLETA:** Aack.

**JOR:** We're doomed!

**ANAKIN:** You sound like Threepio.

_All turn and look at ANAKIN, who just came up behind them. He's now toting a rather bulky backpack._

**HARRY:** What are you doing here?

**ANAKIN:** I was looking for Jacen and Jaina, but I couldn't find them, so I'm looking for the _Falcon_ , but I think they might have left without me.

**TOM:** We may be in the same boat.

**AERYN** _(darkly)_ **:** They _better_ not have left.

**HARRY:** I _hope_ our ship hasn't. And by the way, whatever-your-name-is, who or what is 'Threepio'?

**ANAKIN:** A droid. But he and Artoo got stolen by somebody just before we left on this trip. I think Jacen did it.

**HARRY:** But isn't he your brother?

**ANAKIN:** I'm ashamed to admit it.

**HARRY:** Why would your brother...

**ANAKIN:** Steal the droids? So he could sell them to buy more corridor ghouls. But then again, maybe it was the gardener... _(grudgingly)_ Well, I guess it it _was_ probably the gardener. I never did get--

**B'ELANNA:** This is beside the point! Let's hurry up and try to--

_JAKE appears, followed by WESLEY._

**JAKE:** You mean you actually went to the hatch? I can't believe it.

**WESLEY:** Well, I--

**TOM:** Looks like there are a lot of people with this problem.

**JOHN:** You aren't kidding.

_Return to Ops. The DOMINION SPY checks a chronometer, then pretends to be busy._

Others in Ops really are busy.

**KIRA:** All right, then stabilize it! I don't care how! And somebody warn the _Defiant_ about that cruiser behind-- _Now_ what is it?

**ENSIGN PILLOWCASE:** Sorry, Colonel, but I think there's been a problem with the transports.

**KIRA** _(funereal tones)_ **:** What kind of a problem?

**JADZIA:** People stole them, right?

**ENSIGN PILLOWCASE:** I'm afraid so, Commander.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. JANEWAY looks like she's getting a major headache._

**PICARD:** Does anyone know where Doctor Crusher is?

**GEORDI** _(doubtfully)_ **:** She's still on the station, I think.

**TROI:** Along with everyone else.

**DATA:** I'll go look for her.

_He leaves before anyone thinks to stop him._

Cut to exterior space as MOYA moves away from DS9.

**PILOT** _(voice-over)_ **:** Crew, we still haven't gotten the Peacekeeper device removed from the navigation system, so we're going to shadow one of these other larger ships. Are there any problems?

**ZHAAN** _(voice-over)_ **:** No, of course not. John? Aeryn?

_Silence._

**ZHAAN** _(voice-over)_ **:** Please respond.

_Cut to_ Falcon _cargo hold._

**MARA:** Oh, _bleep_! The kids aren't here!

_Cut to Ops. The DOMINION SPY checks the clock again, then taps a few panels and--_

**JADZIA:** Oh, _no_! What happened to the shields?!

_There's a shimmer in the middle of the room, and several JEM'HADAR materialize._

**BASHIR:** Oh _bleep_.

**JADZIA:** Not now.

**VOICE:** Yes, there's no need for language, Julian.

**JADZIA:** You shut up! All ships, this is Deep Space Nine! We have intruders on station and--

_She ducks a phaser shot._

**JADZIA:** Wherever Security is, we need you! Intruders in Ops!

_Everyone who has a phaser pulls it out and starts firing. Everyone who doesn't dives to the floor._

**KIRA:** Is the comm still open? Well, you may want to get out of here!

_Cut to docking ring._

**TOM:** Oh _bleep_ oh _bleep_ oh _bleep_ oh _bleep_ oh _bleep_ oh _bleep_ \--

**HARRY:** You aren't helping!

**B'ELANNA:** Unless we can get to _Voyager_ in about two minutes max, we'll have a serious problem.

**SEVEN:** Then we have a serious problem. Even were the corridors not so crowded, we might have difficulty reaching that goal.

_DATA arrives, pushing his way through the crowd and looking around. CRUSHER is nowhere in sight, so he turns to the others._

**DATA:** Have any of you seen Dr. Crusher?

**HARRY:** _I_ haven't.

**SELAR:** Hel _lo_ , handsome!

**DATA** _(ignoring her)_ **:** Thank you.

_DATA moves off through the crowd._

**SOLETA:** Terribly sorry about her.

**JOHN** _(he has a bad feeling the information may become important rather shortly)_ **:** So, um, what's this Dominion thing like?

**HARRY:** Uh... I don't know.

**AERYN:** Let's just try to avoid them.

**ANAKIN** _(pointing)_ **:** What species is _that_?

_Some of the intruders have made it to the docking ring, though the crowd is so thick it's hard to see._

**JAKE:** Uh oh!

**WESLEY:** Which one? I assume the taller ones are--

**HARRY:** Let's not go into this. No, B'Elanna, not _now_ \--

**SEVEN:** Species 5529 and Species--

**TOM:** We _know_ what _those_ are.

**B'ELANNA:** I _hate_ Cardassians!

**HARRY:** Um, maybe we should--

**B'ELANNA:** Leave, right. Does anyone know their way--

**JAKE:** Yes! Come on.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**JANEWAY:** We don't have a choice. Seal the hatch. Ensign, take us out. _(pause)_ Or you, Lieutenant.

**ENSIGN X** _(glumly)_ **:** Yes, Captain.

**MCHENRY:** What?

_Everyone else on the bridge looks both grim and glum as the ship pulls away from the station._

Cut to Falcon _cockpit._

**HAN:** Well, we can't go back and get them _now_!

**LUKE:** I can't believe you left the--

**HAN:** Will you stop saying that?

**LUKE:** Sure. Fine.

_CHEWBACCA comments, sans subtitles._

**HAN:** You, too!

_Cut to_ Defiant _bridge._

**SISKO** _(into comm-channel)_ **:** What do you mean? We have personnel still on-- Yes, Admiral. I understand, but-- Admiral, we have-- Arrgh! She hung up on me.

**O'BRIEN:** We have some problems.

**EZRI:** I know. Not least of which I think Admiral Necheyev just ordered a retreat.

**SHELBY:** What?!

**CALHOUN** _(to WORF)_ **:** This is outrageous! How could you dare--

**SISKO:** Both of you, quiet! And shut up your Hermat!

**CALHOUN:** _My_ Hermat?

**SISKO:** Yes!

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la--

_Cut to Wildman quarters._

**TAHIRI:** Master Skywalker is _not_ going to be happy, but he'll understand... eventually.

**NASHIRA:** Sooner than my mom will.

**NAOMI:** I hope nobody minds that I was showing you around.

**MOLLY:** I want Mommy. This is really scary.

_Cut to outside Ops. JADZIA and BASHIR are retreating down the hall, firing as they go._

**JADZIA** _(into combadge)_ **:** Yes, I understand.

**SISKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** I don't like it either. We'll be back as soon as we can.

**JADZIA:** Right. J-Dax out.

_She taps the badge._

**BASHIR:** We're in trouble.

**JADZIA:** Actually I'd realized that -- we'd better find a place to hide.

_Her combadge beeps._

**JADZIA:** J-Dax here.

**KIRA** _(from combadge)_ **:** This is Kira. I just thought of something -- maybe we should let Ro and the others out of the cells.

**JADZIA:** If Cardassians are here -- you're probably right. Can Odo--

**KIRA** _(from combadge)_ **:** No. We're cornered. _(sound of phaser shots)_ You do it.

**JADZIA:** All right. Are you okay?

**KIRA** _(from combadge)_ **:** Fine. Never been better. Kira out.

**JADZIA:** All right... Julian, you try to hide somewhere -- no sense in risking two on this. I'll get to Security, then try to find you.

**BASHIR:** But--

**JADZIA:** That's an order, Lieutenant! And you know perfectly well it makes sense.

**BASHIR:** Yes, sir. See you later.

_They split up._

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**SISKO** _(from comm)_ **:** ...so we've been ordered to fall back. And someone is supposed to pick up that little ship.

**JANEWAY:** We can do that. When are we coming back?

**SISKO** _(from comm)_ **:** The admiral hasn't said.

**JANEWAY:** All right, Captain Sisko. See you at the starbase. _Voyager_ out. _(to bridge crew)_ Someone see about picking up our passengers... and then we have to leave.

_Cut to PILOT's den on MOYA, where a several-way fight is ensuing, everyone yelling at everyone else. Nothing can be understood. D'ARGO pitches RYGEL up into the air._

**D'ARGO:** Take that, you--!!! __

Cut to ROBIN trying unsuccessfully to drag SI CWAN down a hall.

**SI CWAN:** No! I have to find her!

_Go to detention cells. A RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY has just come in._

**RO:** Go to _bleep_!

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Ha, ha, ha!

**CHIANA:** Is this bad?

**RIKER 2:** Um, think so.

_JADZIA comes in, stuns the RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY, and begins tapping keys at the desk._

**JADZIA:** You're in luck. Since we have so many other problems, you get to leave.

**RO:** How nice of you. I recommend leaving Skippy in here.

**JADZIA:** Skippy?

**RIKER:** Don't ask.

_All the occupants of the cells run out; all leave._

_Cut to hallway._

**HARRY:** I hope they're enjoying themselves on _Voyager_.

**TOM:** _I_ hope they hurry back. __

Cut to exterior space as all the ships go to warp (or hetch, as the case may be).


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 10 (about 2000 words) concerning Improper and Undignified Behavior, Hiding Places, Ineffectual Occupations, and Disembodied Voices

**10**  


  
_Open on a secret passage in DS9. TOM, HARRY, SEVEN, WESLEY, KEBRON, JOHN, AERYN, and ANAKIN are sitting around catching their breath; their erstwhile companions are nowhere in sight._

**AERYN:** So much for rest and recreation. Or repairs, for that matter.

**JOHN:** Just our luck. I wonder why a space station has secret passages.

**HARRY:** Don't ask me, I work on _Voyager_.

**JOHN** _(wisely)_ **:** Oh.

**TOM:** I still think we should try to find B'Elanna and the others.

**SEVEN:** That would be an inadvisable risk at this time. The more responsible of our shipmates have doubtless located other places of concealment. A more pressing concern is if Crewman Jor and Crewman Dell are continuing their usual behavior.

**HARRY:** I wasn't aware that Jor had any outstanding behavior problems. I mean, except when brainwashed and--

**SEVEN:** On the contrary, apart from Crewman Dell, Crewman Jor is the most enthusiastic participant in 'hazing.' I believe she was the one who taped the _Kick me_ sign on Ensign Vorik's back the day before yesterday.

**TOM:** Yeah, B'Elanna was complaining about that.

**SEVEN:** Also, there was a recent example of extremely erratic behavior from Crewman Jor one week ago.

**HARRY:** What was it? I remember that _something_ weird happened in Engineering, but that isn't exactly unusual on _Voyager_.

**SEVEN:** _This_ example was unusual. Crewman Jor--

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

_They all look at him, then go back to their discussion._

**WESLEY:** I can't believe Starfleet officers from any _proper_ ship would behave so immaturely. After all, you are Harry 'The Disease' Kim, so--

**JOHN** _(backing away)_ **:** _Bleep_!

**ANAKIN:** _Really_? _(to TOM)_ He's not contagious, is he?

**TOM:** No. _(quickly)_ You're from the _Enterprise_ , so you don't have any room to complain. The engineers on _your_ ship were throwing pizza in the warp nacelles.

**WESLEY:** They were not! Not on the _Enterprise_! Lieutenant Commander La Forge would never do--

**HARRY:** Of course not. He was the one _complaining_ about it.

**TOM:** I think in general this dignity issue is overrated on _some_ ships.

**WESLEY:** Well I suppose, being a convict, you'd know all about that.

**TOM:** Hey! _I_ wasn't the one who couldn't even wait to get out of the Academy before starting trouble--

**HARRY:** Let's not go into this.

**ANAKIN:** Quit fighting.

**AERYN** _(ruefully/glumly)_ **:** Dignity is not something we worry about on _our_ ship.

**JOHN:** Sort of a lost cause. Even if we cared.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**TOM:** Speaking of dignity and lack thereof...

_Cut to Ops. DUKAT has just arrived and is trying to gloat over his great triumph._

**DUKAT:** Well, I knew the Federation couldn't hold out against me. Now _I'm_ in charge of the station again. I'm--

**VOICE:** Are you sure about that, Dukatty-boy?

**DUKAT:** What did you call me?

**VOICE:** Dukatty-boy. I don't _know_ what _your_ first name is, and I have to call you _something_ condescending, after all. Let me know if you think of something better.

**DUKAT:** Who are you?

**VOICE:** That's my little secret.

**DUKAT:** I'm in charge of Terek Nor! You have to tell me!

**VOICE:** Now, now, I haven't told anyone else.

**DUKAT:** Well, you're going to tell me! _(pause)_ Hey! You're going to tell me! Are you listening to me?

_Cut to the hallway outside, where some JEM'HADAR are hauling KIRA towards Ops._

**DUKAT** _(from Ops)_ **:** Don't ignore me! Are you listening? Don't you dare ignore me!

_KIRA rolls her eyes expressively._

Cut to lower corridors with JACEN and JAINA. All the lights have gone out, so JAINA is using a flashlight.

**JAINA:** In case you haven't realized, Jacen, we're in trouble.

**JACEN:** I'll say. I'd _thought_ it was just the corridor ghouls which were getting loose. If Rosie's out, that means I have to look for Scarlet, Pinky, Ruddy, Ruby, Buggy, Leggy, and Vermilion too, not to mention the other pets.

**JAINA:** How many of these bugs do you have?

**JACEN:** You mean like Reddy and Rosie? Nine. I have lots of other bugs, though. You know that.

**JAINA:** Um... you didn't bring your piranha beetle collection, did you?

**JACEN:** I left _them_ on Coruscant.

**JAINA:** Good.

_Swing down the corridors to finally show, hidden deep beneath a rubble pile, REDDY. Somehow the bug manages to convey the impression of plotting._

Cut to a different _lower corridor, with lights. JAKE, KEIKO, and NOG are sitting around, looking vaguely depressed._

**NOG:** Stupid admirals.

_Silence._

**KEIKO:** Do you think Commander Dax will be back soon?

**JAKE:** Hope so. If she didn't run into any Jem'Hadar or Cardassians.

**JADZIA** _(coming around the corner)_ **:** Nope, just some _Voyager_ people.

_She is followed by B'ELANNA, WILDMAN, and DELL._

**JADZIA** _(to the Voyager people, continuing)_ **:** We should be safe down here for the moment. These corridors aren't often used, and the security equipment is largely junk, I'm afraid.

**B'ELANNA:** Good. Don't do anything stupid, Dell.

**DELL:** Me? Do something stupid! I wouldn't, Lieutenant! The holosuite was Jor's idea, I swear!

**B'ELANNA:** Yeah, right.

**JAKE:** How did you guys get left behind?

**B'ELANNA:** Well, the conn officer and I were trying to round up shore-leave crew, got delayed by _certain persons_ , and cut off by the mob.

**JADZIA:** I understand Admiral Necheyev ordered a retreat. Well, let's compare notes...

_Cut to yet another lower corridor, where SOLETA, in despair, is watching SELAR primp in a hand mirror._

**SELAR:** I could have danced all night...

_Cut to Promenade. Swing through replimat, through the back door, and into a service passage which is occupied by CRUSHER, BASHIR, RO, CHIANA, LOVESTRUCK, RIKER, and THOMAS RIKER. CHIANA is sitting between the RIKERs and doesn't look happy about it._

**CHIANA** _(to RO)_ **:** Trade spots with you.

**RO:** No thanks.

**CHIANA** _(to CRUSHER)_ **:** You?

**CRUSHER:** No thanks.

**BASHIR** _(preemptively)_ **:** No thanks.

**RIKER:** I don't like this at all.

**RO:** Unless you can come up with something positive to say...

**THOMAS RIKER:** Yeah! Just close your mouth!

**RO:** That goes for you, too.

**BASHIR:** Maybe we should find somewhere else to hide.

**LOVESTRUCK:** I need to find Colonel Kira! I have to save her!

**BASHIR** _(under his breath)_ **:** If I let him near her, she'll kill me.

**CHIANA:** Well, if he's around here much longer, I might kill him.

**BASHIR:** Better him than me.

**CRUSHER:** I need to find Wesley.

**RO:** Isn't he an ensign by now?

**CRUSHER:** Well, yes, but...

**RO:** Then lighten up. I'm sure he's learned how to take care of himself. _(pause)_ Mostly sure, anyway.

_She presses her ear to the door._

**RIKER** _(to CRUSHER)_ **:** What's Wesley doing _here_ , anyway?

**CRUSHER:** Well, he was flying a transport, but something went wrong--

**RO:** I don't hear anything. It might be safe to move. Look, all of you, try and find some other clothes.

**RIKER** _(insulted)_ **:** What's wrong with my clothes?

**CRUSHER:** I guess it _would_ be kind of conspicuous to walk around in Starfleet uniforms.

**RO** _(sarcastically)_ **:** Yeah, just a little.

_Cut to Ops, Sisko's office, currently occupied by DUKAT. KIRA has just been hauled in._

**DUKAT:** First of all, what's that voice that was annoying me?

**KIRA:** You want _me_ to tell _you_ what the _Voice_ is? Dream on, Dukat. I don't even know. Even if I _did_ know, I wouldn't tell _you_.

**DUKAT:** I'll have you know that I'm in charge here now and-- Are you ignoring me? I hate it when people ignore me.

**KIRA:** How sad.

**DUKAT:** That's rude!

**KIRA** _(sighs)_ **:** Tell me, Dukat, did the Pah-wraith do a little damage to your brain on the way out, or did you just fall on your head?

_DUKAT starts sputtering, then forcibly calms himself down and turns to the desk console._

**DUKAT:** All right, Colonel, let's see what's on Captain Sisko's console... Aha! I can get all his mail!

**KIRA** _(rolling her eyes)_ **:** Oh, boy.

**DUKAT:** Hmm, let's see here...

_A view of the console, displaying such scintillating message headers as_ Maintenance Memo _from_ obrienm@ ds9.sf _;_ Hot klingon babez!! _from_ xgrtfl@ spam.com _;_ Grow hair now! _from_ hhjtrn@ spam.com _;_ Lunch? _from_ yatesk@ ds9.civ _;_ Make $$$ Now!!! _from_ ttjklw@ spam.com _;_ Recipe _from_ sisko's@hotmail.com _;_ Make Latinum Now!!! _from_ ttjklw@ spam.com _;_ RE: Message filter? _from_ daxj@ ds9.sf _;_ Cheap dental care _from_ lxxrt!@ spam.com _;_ Will of the Prophets _from_ kai_winn@ vedekassembly.bj _;_ Hot Deltan babez!! _from_ xgrtfl@ spam.com _; and_ RE: Your Document _from_ security@ earthcommand.sf.

**DUKAT:** Aha! A message from Starfleet Security! Heh heh heh... I'll just, uh, check out these hot Deltan babes first...

**KIRA:** Wonder if I should warn him about the viruses...? Nah, probably not.

_Cut to Garak's tailor shop, which RO's group is burgling. CHIANA is keeping an eye out the door while everyone else gets clothes._

**BASHIR:** I feel kind of guilty about this.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Where's the colonel?

**RO:** I'm not even going to argue.

_It takes a little while, but finally all of them have obscured the more obviously uniformy parts of their clothes._

**THOMAS RIKER:** Good. Let's get out of here.

**CRUSHER:** I'm not arguing.

**RIKER:** But there must be something better in terms of disguise.

**RO:** If you're looking for fake Bajoran nose ridges, I don't carry them with me.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Where's the colonel?

**CHIANA:** Would you shut up?

**RIKER:** But we can't keep going like _this_! Somebody's going to recognize me! I mean, I'm the well-known handsomest officer in Starfleet...

_BASHIR rolls his eyes._

**BASHIR:** Well, there is this.

_He hands RIKER a stupid-looking rubber Ferengi mask._

**CRUSHER:** Well, it would certainly keep anyone from recognizing you at first glance.

**THOMAS RIKER:** I don't know. I think it looks a lot like him.

**RO:** Well, you look _exactly_ like him, so maybe you should take that back.

**THOMAS RIKER:** I do _not_ look exactly like him.

_Everyone ignores him._

Cut to secret passage. People are starting to get bored. TOM is pacing; KEBRON has produced a pocket goldfish bowl and is staring into it; JOHN is trying to get AERYN to play rock-paper-scissors; ANAKIN is playing some sort of video game -- it's a little noisy.

_Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!_

**WESLEY** _(irritably)_ **:** Will you turn that thing _off_!

_ANAKIN apparently hasn't heard him. He keeps playing away as TOM starts yet another circuit._

**HARRY:** Seven? How long can you go without regenerating in an alcove? Do we need to worry about that?

**SEVEN:** I am not presently in any danger of exhaustion. In ninety-six hours my efficiency will be affected.

_Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!_

**KEBRON:** Goldfish. __

**TOM:** I have this feeling we should be doing something, not just sitting around.

**HARRY:** What would you suggest? Marching out and getting ourselves killed or captured?

**WESLEY:** We _should_ be doing something to recapture the station.

_Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!_

**SEVEN:** A more reasonable course of action would be to attempt to locate others left behind in the evacuation. Once we know what resources are available, have consulted someone familiar with the station, and have assessed the enemy's strength, we could consider such an attempt.

**HARRY:** I'm with Seven on this one.

_ANAKIN looks up from the game._

**ANAKIN:** I know Jacen and Jaina are still here.

**TOM:** Then let's try to get somewhere with these passages!

**WESLEY:** What about orders--

**KEBRON:** Goldfish. __

**ANAKIN:** You be quiet. As for you, make up your mind. First you want to do something, then you want somebody to tell you what to do.

**SEVEN:** Let us proceed.

**JOHN** _(whispered, to AERYN)_ **:** You know, I've never met anyone before who spoke exclusively in technobabble.

**VOICE** _(loud, sinister whisper)_ **:** That's Borg-babble, John.

_JOHN jumps._

**JOHN:** _Bleep_ it, I _hate_ it when Harvey gets assertive...

**AERYN:** Not unless he's in my head, too.

**ANAKIN:** That's just the Voice. Don't worry about it.

**JOHN** _(still shaken)_ **:** Right. Right.

_They all slowly walk offscreen. As they're disappearing..._

**AERYN:** Do you have a lot of disembodied voices around here?

**HARRY:** I don't know, I'm from...

_Cut to Ops office._

**DUKAT:** And now, Colonel, I am about to open this top-secret urgent document from Starfleet Security.

_The message says_ I have spent much time for the important document _and has an attachment._

**KIRA:** That you are.

**DUKAT** _(to himself)_ **:** Shouldn't she be more upset? Ah, well...

_He opens the document. The screen fills with a rather malicious-looking smiley face, then the console shuts down and all the lights go out._

**DUKAT:** What the--

_In the darkness, KIRA's ironic applause can be heard._

**KIRA:** Oh, good going. _Very_ good, Dukat. Great reign here so far.

**DUKAT:** Oh, shut up!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 11 (about 1700 words) concerning Orders, Worry, Ghosts and Noncorporeal Entities, Humorous Anecdotes, Admirals, and Alarming Starbases

**11**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _'s ready room. JANEWAY is seated, drumming her fingers, and occasionally checking the time._

Eventually, her combadge beeps.

**JANEWAY:** Janeway here.

**TUVOK** _(from combadge)_ **:** The _Enterprise_ officers have been settled, Captain, as have our other guests. It has also come to light that we have some... additional... guests. A number of children.

**JANEWAY:** I see. Is Neelix watching all of them?

**TUVOK** _(from combadge)_ **:** Some of our guests are helping.

**JANEWAY:** Good. _(she pauses)_ How long until we can reach the nearest starbase?

**TUVOK** _(from combadge)_ **:** At least half an hour, Captain.

**JANEWAY:** Thank you. Janeway out.

_She taps the combadge, then resumes staring out the window._

Cut to Defiant _bridge. SISKO is pacing a groove in the floor; CALHOUN is flailing around with his sword; BURGOYNE is stunned. All others are sitting around looking glum and/or worried, ducking the sword as necessary. EZRI looks up from a console._

**EZRI:** I finally got in touch with the transport, Captain. There are a lot of people on it -- including Quark and Kai Winn -- but not the people we were looking for.

**SISKO:** Kai Winn?

**WORF:** What is she doing there?

**EZRI:** Apparently arguing with Quark over who's in charge.

**O'BRIEN:** Starfleet Command isn't going to be happy about that.

**SISKO** _(growling)_ **:** Never mind Starfleet Command. _I'm_ not happy about that!

**O'BRIEN:** Wait. How did Quark manage to get onto a transport--?

**EZRI:** I don't know. _(she shrugs)_ Could be anything. It's Quark. Maybe he bribed Kai Winn.

**O'BRIEN:** Not out of the question.

_Cut to PILOT's den on MOYA. Some semblance of order has been restored._

**ZHAAN:** This is my fault. I should have made sure they'd gotten back.

**STARK:** No, no, no, there was no way you could tell...

**ZHAAN:** Pilot, how soon will you have navigation?

**PILOT:** I'm not sure, Zhaan. The device is still there, and until it's removed...

**RYGEL:** You're not going to go _back_...

**STARK:** Of course we are!

**RYGEL:** But we'll be killed!

**JOOL:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**D'ARGO:** Be quiet! We have to remain calm. We'll go back in due time...

**PILOT:** Er, by the way, D'Argo, there's something you ought to know... __

Cut to Voyager _mess hall. The kids are sitting around, plus LUKE, TROI, TUVOK, NEELIX, and MARA._

**TAHIRI:** So Jacen's still on the station? Well, so are his pets, so it might be just as well.

**NAOMI:** I didn't like those. But I wish Mom was here.

**KIRAYOSHI:** I want my Mommy, too.

**TAHIRI:** Uh oh.

**WAN-WAN:** I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

**MARA:** No, not _now_.

**MOLLY:** I'm _bor-ed_. Are we there yet?

**NEELIX:** It's going to be a challenge keeping these kids occupied until we get back to the station.

**LUKE** _(glumly)_ **:** It's practically impossible, that's what it is!

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Use the Force.

_Everyone turns to see the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI walk through the windows._

**TROI:** What's _that_?!

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Use the Force, Luke. Use the Force.

**MARA:** This is all we need.

**LUKE:** Look on the bright side. It's _only_ him.

**NEELIX:** You mean you have a lot of these... these...

**NASHIRA:** Ghosts?

**LUKE:** I wouldn't say a _lot_... There's Obi-Wan, Yoda, some random other Jedi spirits, occasionally a Sith or two, which is never good--

**MARA:** There are only a lot when most of them turn up, and bring their friends.

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Where's my namesake?

**NASHIRA:** Can't you hear him?

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a Rancor...

**NOMI:** No, no!

_Cut to MOYA._

**D'ARGO:** Jothee! We have to go back for him! NOW!

**STARK:** No, no, we can't just--

**DARGO:** Yes we can!!! __

Cut to Voyager _bridge as JANEWAY enters. CHAKOTAY is there; ENSIGN X is at the helm._

**CHAKOTAY:** We'll be at the starbase in less than half an hour. Um, you're not going to make me talk to them before you've explained, are you?

**JANEWAY:** All right, if it doesn't take too long.

**CHAKOTAY:** You promised you'd sort out the Maquis thing.

**ENSIGN X:** I was going to mention this earlier, Captain, but we passed the _Enterprise_ a few hours ago.

**JANEWAY:** Has anything happened to it?

**ENSIGN X:** It was just sitting there.

**JANEWAY:** Mmm. I'll have to tell Captain Picard about that.

**CHAKOTAY:** He may not be too happy about it.

**JANEWAY:** He'll be even _less_ happy if the Dominion gets it. I wouldn't blame him, either. Oh, well.

_Cut to_ Defiant _bridge. There is now a foot-deep groove in the floor where SISKO is pacing._

**O'BRIEN:** So how long do you think before they let us head back?

**EZRI:** Depends.

**O'BRIEN:** On _what_?

**EZRI:** Several things. For starters, which admiral's deciding. What news they have, who's available to go with us -- you know the idea. And if they're going to have hysterics over _Voyager_. Oh, and one more thing -- whether Captain Sisko lets Worf talk to them.

**O'BRIEN:** Hmm, yes, I can see how that might change things.

**EZRI:** On a related topic, how long do you think it'll be before he falls through to the next deck?

_They both look at SISKO, who's still pacing away._

**O'BRIEN:** Oh, at least four hours. It's Worf who worries me. I'm afraid he's going to cause a hull breach.

_WORF is doing the worried stare. The bulkhead seems to be being burned away in two little red spots._

**EZRI:** Hmm, good point. Maybe you should go stop him.

**O'BRIEN:** Me? What about you?

**CALHOUN** _(muttering)_ **:** I'm going to wrap my hands around his neck and _squeeze_...

**BURGOYNE** _(muttering in hir sleep)_ **:** Selar... Selar...

_Cut to_ Voyager _mess hall. The GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI is still wandering around._

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Use the Force... use the Force...

**MARA:** Luke, if he's not going to say anything else, could you ask him to go away.

**LUKE:** Me? Why me?

**MARA:** You were his student.

**NEELIX:** Does he turn up often?

**TAHIRI:** Oftener than we like.

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Use the Force... use the Force...

**TROI:** Can't he say anything else?

**MARA:** Of course he can, he just... usually doesn't, these days. At least he doesn't sing.

**NOMI:** Not like Wan-Wan. Wan-Wan only knows two songs. And they're both _bleep_.

**MARA:** I think Han hasn't been careful enough about his language.

**TAHIRI:** And this is supposed to be news to anyone?

_Cut to_ Voyager _docking bay, which holds the_ Falcon _. A couple security guards are hanging around keeping an eye on CHEWBACCA, who is keeping an eye on HAN and LEIA. The latter two are trying to blame each other for leaving the kids on the station._

**CHEWBACCA** _(in Wookiee subtitled)_ **:** If you two would just stop arguing--

_They ignore him._

Cut to exterior space. The ships are approaching a starbase.

Cut to Defiant _bridge. SISKO is on the comm. (He apparently climbed out of the groove.)_

**SISKO:** ...but as you can see, they _aren't_ dead. Now if we can get back to the station question--

**NECHEYEV** _(from comm)_ **:** Did you mention Maquis spies?

**SISKO:** One or two, but about the Dominion...

**NECHEYEV** _(from comm)_ **:** We need to have a full conference about this.

**SISKO:** But Admiral, the station...

**NECHEYEV** _(from comm)_ **:** It's a good thing you arrived during an admirals' convention. Admiral Necheyev out.

**EZRI** _(muttered)_ **:** Oh, no.

**O'BRIEN:** An admirals' convention? This could take weeks!

**CALHOUN** _(to SHELBY)_ **:** This is all your fault!

**SHELBY:** My fault! _My_ fault! Who was it who ran off for a drink--

**BURGOYNE** _(having woken up)_ **:** Ah la one ah la two casadilla!

**ALL:** Shut up!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**JANEWAY:** An admirals' convention?

**CHAKOTAY:** Make Captain Picard go. He should be used to it.

**JANEWAY:** I'll keep that in mind. This is going to take forever.

**CHAKOTAY:** And you wondered why I joined the Maquis.

**JANEWAY:** If you're trying to tell me that you joined the Maquis to escape admirals, I don't believe you.

**CHAKOTAY:** No... But I can say with certainty that we never had admirals' _conventions_.

_Cut to mess hall._

**TAHIRI:** Trying to look on the bright side, since Jacen and Anakin aren't here, they probably won't throw us out. Remember when we were in that one place and Anakin decided it'd be funny to reprogram all the computers to talk like Jabba the Hutt?

**NASHIRA:** _I_ thought it _was_ funny.

**TAHIRI:** Well, so did I, but they didn't. And your dad _really_ didn't.

**LUKE:** He went through the ceiling.

**NASHIRA:** But that was the funny part!

**TROI:** Who's Jabba the Hutt?

**NASHIRA:** You mean you've never heard of him?

**LUKE:** He's a crime lord. He... has something of a grudge against Han.

**TAHIRI:** And then there was the time Jacen tried to smuggle his corridor ghouls through customs.

**MARA:** I think I remember hearing about that. Didn't one bite the inspector?

**LUKE:** No, it bit _me_.

**MARA:** Oh, right.

**TAHIRI:** And there was the time Anakin fumigated the waiting room with corridor ghoul repellent.

**MARA:** We had to hand out oxygen masks to about seventy people, and then it turned out twelve of them were methane breathers.

**TAHIRI:** And the time the piranha beetle somehow got down the back of Anakin's shirt--

**NASHIRA:** And then _both_ of them flipped--

_Cut to PILOT's den._

**PILOT:** Will you please be _quiet_ , D'Argo. We've been asked to come aboard the -- starbase, they're calling it -- to discuss the station.

**ZHAAN:** Since we can't leave, I suppose we might as well.

**RYGEL:** Well, if this is diplomatic, than I, Dominar of--

**D'ARGO:** Shut up. We have to hurry up so we can-- __

Cut back to space as the ships dock at the starbase.

**SISKO** _(voice-over)_ **:** Captain Sisko to all hands and neighboring ships, we've arrived at Starbase... uh... Starbase Admirals R Us?

**EZRI** _(voice-over, in background)_ **:** That's what it says, Benjamin.

**CALHOUN** _(voice-over)_ **:** Retreat!

**SHELBY** _(voice-over)_ **:** Quiet, sir.

**JANEWAY** _(voice-over)_ **:** I'm beginning to understand why certain crew members wanted to stay in the Delta Quadrant.

**CHAKOTAY** _(voice-over)_ **:** _Beginning_ to understand? __

Cut to interior starbase as SISKO, PICARD, JANEWAY, O'BRIEN, WORF, CHAKOTAY, TROI, TUVOK, EZRI, the DOCTOR, GEORDI, NEELIX, KES, CALHOUN, SHELBY, MCHENRY, BURGOYNE, HAN, LUKE, MARA, LEIA, CHEWIE, WAN-WAN, NOMI, TAHIRI, NASHIRA, MOLLY, NAOMI, ZHAAN, RYGEL, STARK, D'ARGO, JOOL, KAI WINN, the generic Bajoran MONK, QUARK, and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI walk slowly down the corridor.

**TAHIRI:** To quote you-know-who, we're doomed.

_The camera rotates to display the reception committee: Admiral NECHEYEV, Admiral ROSS, Admiral JELLICO, Admiral PARIS, and some OTHER ASSORTED ADMIRALS._

**ZHAAN:** I think I could agree with that.

  



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 12 (about 1900 words) concerning Power Outages, Illumination, Corridor Ghouls and Other Hazardous Pets, and Evil Smiley Faces

**12**  


  
_Open on complete darkness, save for a few tiny blinking colored lights._

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

**TOM:** Will you _please_ turn that _bleep_ ed thing _off_?

**VOICE:** Mind your language, L-- E-- M-- I mean L-- Tom.

**JOHN:** There it is again!

**TOM** _(plaintively)_ **:** Does _everyone_ have to call me that?

**AERYN:** Calm down, John. And I second the suggestion to turn off the game.

**ANAKIN:** I'm playing.

**HARRY:** I don't see how you can even see it in here. It's too dark.

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**WESLEY:** _And_ I'm scared of him.

_A pause with movement noises._

**TOM:** Ouch.

**HARRY:** What is it?

**TOM** _(puzzled)_ **:** I don't know -- I must have scratched my leg on something in the dark.

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**SEVEN:** This individual is tiresome.

**HARRY:** Tell me about it!

**ANAKIN:** Dark!

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**JOHN:** I can't believe this. Do you prefer light colors or dark?

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**AERYN** _(disgusted)_ **:** _Bleep_.

**TOM:** Well, there has to be a light _somewhere_ around here!

**ANAKIN:** You need a light? Oh... I think I have one in my pack...

**TOM:** Why didn't you bring it out earlier?!

**ANAKIN:** You didn't _say_ anything _earlier_.

**TOM:** We've been blundering around in the dark--

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**TOM:** \--for the past hour and a half, and it never occurred to you that we might need a light?

**ANAKIN:** I was busy.

_A pause with assorted rustling noises, then a click. A very bright beam of light appears, hitting HARRY right in the face._

**HARRY:** Arrgh! Watch it.

_He covers his eyes._

**ANAKIN:** Sorry.

_The flashlight beam swings around to hit TOM, WESLEY, JOHN, AERYN, and SEVEN, all in the eyes. Assorted grumbles. KEBRON is intently staring at a large goldfish bowl._

**HARRY:** It might have been better in the dark.

**WESLEY:** I'm scared. __

Now that the light is reflecting a little, you can just make them out, sitting around in a secret passage. ANAKIN, of course, has the super-bright high-power flashlight.

**ANAKIN:** All right, here's a light. Now what do we do?

_He keeps waving the light around. During one of the pauses, we see, under some junk, REDDY._

_Cut to Ops office. Only about half the lights are on; the console is on but just displaying the malicious smiley face. A CARDASSIAN TECH is examining the console, looking dubious, while DUKAT fumes. KIRA, under guard, is leaning against the wall, looking unimpressed._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Well... um... let's see here... uh...

_He presses a button. The malicious smiley face winks._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Okay, that didn't work. Um...

**DUKAT:** Are you sure you know what you're doing? I don't tolerate incompetence!

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** If you want to call the bar of latinum-a-minute hotline, be my guest. How did this happen, anyway?

**DUKAT:** Never mind that. Just fix it!

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Well, I don't have the right patch for Starfleet systems, and the one here's a funny hybrid anyway... Uh, what patches have you been using?

**KIRA** _(cheerfully)_ **:** Haven't a clue.

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Drat. Anyway, well, I heard Starfleet Command was having some trouble with the 'Smiley' virus variations... must be why they've got that sign on the console out there, about not opening any attachments -- none in here, though...

**KIRA:** Nope. You see, Captain Sisko has learned not to open attachments on messages titled 'Read this' or 'Your file.'

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** You'd think most people would have... _(realizes DUKAT is glaring at him and hurriedly changes subject)_ Uh, anyway, I'll just see if I can disconnect this console from the main computer, since the root infestation seems to be here, on the off chance it'll help...

_He gets down on hands and knees to go under the desk, then freezes._

**DUKAT:** Well?!

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Uhhhh...

_DUKAT looks under the desk, and also freezes._

**KIRA:** Now what?

_She strolls over to take a look._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Um... uh...

_The camera swings around to reveal CHOMPER, the corridor ghoul. He clacks his teeth and wiggles his ears at his audience. Swing back to original view._

**KIRA** _(muttering)_ **:** Oh, Prophets, not _another_ one!

**DUKAT:** Well? Hurry up and fix it!

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** I am not getting under there with that thing!

**KIRA:** Wise choice.

_Cut to Promenade, also with almost all the lights out, though some light is coming from Quark's. Move along, then turn into a door marked with the 'restroom' symbol. Moving in, we can hear..._

**DATA** _(singing)_ **:** Life forms, you tiny little life forms, you precious little life forms...

_The restroom is also very dimly lit. DATA is wearing civilian clothes -- where he got them is open to question -- and standing in front of a mirror straightening his new outfit. As we watch, he takes out and puts on a glasses-nose-and-mustache get-up._

**DATA:** Now, to find Dr. Crusher.

_Humming, he exits the restroom._

Cut to somewhere in the lower core. It's dark there, too, and flashlight beams are swooping around. At first, we can't see enough to recognize anyone.

**JADZIA:** _Bleep_ ing viruses. Bet some idiot Cardassian or Jem'Hadar decided to take a look at 'Your document' from Starfleet Command...

_B'ELANNA and JADZIA are in the lead. Most of the others also have lights._

**JADZIA** _(continuing)_ **:** You'd think Starfleet Command could get their _bleep_ ing system patched and stop bombarding us with viruses.

**KEIKO:** You'd think someone would come up with a patch that works on DS9's systems.

**JADZIA:** We do. For every single new virus. But it takes time.

**NOG:** Lots and lots of time.

**WILDMAN:** And... how long do you suppose it'll take for _Voyager_ to get infected, since we don't have any patches at all?

**JADZIA:** Well... that depends. Ships don't seem to be as susceptible, overall. But since you don't have _any_ patches, well...

**B'ELANNA:** Great. And I won't be there to take care of it. Thanks so much, Dell.

**DELL:** Why don't you ever blame Jor? This is Maquis favoritism--

_Cut to Promenade walkway, half-lit. JOR is there; her eyes have glazed over. She starts humming the tune of 'My Heart Will Go On.'_

Back to lower corridors.

**B'ELANNA:** Shut up, Dell.

**JAKE:** So... what now?

**JADZIA:** Now, we take advantage of the total lack of surveillance to find somewhere where we can get into the system. They'll get things under control eventually, and I want to be set up before that.

**JAKE:** Well, you're in charge-- Wait, what was that?

**JADZIA:** What?

**JAKE:** Your light just hit it -- there.

_The light moves back to briefly illuminate JACK THE RIPPER, the corridor ghoul. The light glints off the name tag on its collar before it runs away._

**KEIKO:** _Jack the Ripper_??!!

**WILDMAN:** We should have stayed in the Delta Quadrant.

**B'ELANNA:** Tell me about it.

_Cut to another dark part of the lower core. SOLETA is holding a candle, trying to drag SELAR away from the mirror._

**SOLETA:** Stop that! We need to find some other light!

**SELAR:** What's that smell?

**SOLETA:** A scented candle. Come _on_!

**SELAR:** Can we go find some men?

_Cut to Promenade, still half-lit. A JEM'HADAR is strolling along with an itsy-bitsy penlight._

After it passes, RO emerges from the shadows.

**RO:** All right, it's safe.

_The others follow._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Where's Colonel Kira?

**CHIANA:** Not here, you _bleep_ ing _bleep_.

**BASHIR:** This is insane.

**RO:** I'm glad you realize that.

**RIKER** _(muffled)_ **:** I can barely breathe in this thing.

_We get a good look at him. He's wearing the stupid-looking rubber Ferengi mask._

**THOMAS RIKER:** Good. Maybe you'll suffocate.

**CRUSHER:** I wish both of you would stop that.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Me?

**RIKER** _(muffled)_ **:** Yes, you! You're the one causing all the trouble!

**CRUSHER** _(ignoring them)_ **:** Where do you suppose everyone is?

**BASHIR:** Probably hiding.

**RO:** From those two, if for no other reason.

_RO, BASHIR, CRUSHER, and CHIANA all glare at the RIKERs, who don't notice. LOVESTRUCK continues visually searching for KIRA._

**RO:** We need to find a better hiding place.

**CHIANA:** No joke.

**CRUSHER:** I heard something!

_The camera swings around to show, across the Promenade, TOOTHY the corridor ghoul, who is chewing on a gold-colored metal leg._

**TOOTHY:** Munch, munch, blech! I hate the taste of droid.

_TOOTHY's ears began waving around as it focuses on sound echoes nearby, then it sniffs the air._

**TOOTHY:** Mmm. I smell... humanoids!

**CHIANA** _(terrified)_ **:** _Bleep_!

**THOMAS RIKER** _(horrified)_ **:** It _talks_!

**LOVESTRUCK:** I have to save Colonel Kira!

**BASHIR:** Maybe we should leave.

**RO:** Good idea.

_They start hurrying along._

_Cut to another corridor, where RIKER 2 is sauntering along._

**RIKER 2:** Just as soon as I find some way, _any_ way, to get out of here...

_Cut to Quark's Place, which has its own emergency lights (almost full-lit). The only customers are LANDO and MORN, who are oblivious that anything's happened, and JOTHEE, trying to get advice on a good holosuite program from MORN._

**LANDO:** So, Han, I got the Bakuran marble and... Hey, Han, where'd you go? I'm not finished. _(shakes his head to clear it)_ Whoa! Head rush. Han?

**JOTHEE:** So I'm sort of looking for... kind of a... with... well, you know. With all that, plus a little... that sort of thing. And music.

**MORN:** Glug glug glug.

**JOTHEE:** And lots of drapery.

_QUARK left on a transport. LEETA, ROM, and M'PELLA, however, were left behind. They're now nervously hanging around._

**M'PELLA:** I paid for a ticket out of here. I've been robbed.

**LEETA** _(to ROM)_ **:** I still think you should hide.

**ROM:** Where?

**LEETA:** I don't know -- but they nearly executed you last time.

**ROM:** They might not _this_ time.

_LEETA gives him an extremely skeptical look._

**LANDO:** Did you see where Han went?

**ROM:** He probably left when the station was invaded.

**LANDO:** Oh. Huh. I have such a headache -- could I get another drink?

**LEETA:** Fine.

_She gives LANDO, JOTHEE, and MORN free drinks._

**ROM:** Quark won't be happy about that.

**LEETA:** _Let_ him be unhappy about it. He left us here.

**M'PELLA:** And he cheated me!

**JOTHEE:** So, could I talk to you about renting a holosuite?

**ROM:** Actually my brother handles that.

**JOTHEE:** Aw, _bleep_!

_SI CWAN enters and slumps down at the bar._

**SI CWAN:** I have to find Kalinda.

**LANDO:** Who's that?

**SI CWAN:** My dear baby sister. She's been kidnapped by a vile rogue named Xyon... Have you seen them?

**LANDO:** Nope.

**JOTHEE:** Xyon, Xyon, that name sounds familiar... Oh, right. I went joyriding with someone named that once.

**SI CWAN:** Give me a _noble_ drink.

**LEETA:** If you say so... What's _that_?!

_'That' is BUGGY, a Scarlet Death. It's sitting on the bar._

**LANDO:** Not another bug!

**M'PELLA:** Eeeeek!

_LEETA grabs a bottle and brings it down hard on the bug._

Cut to lower corridors with JACEN and JAINA. JACEN's face contorts with horror.

**JACEN:** Buggy!

_The sad music goes on._

**JAINA:** Jacen... Jacen, snap out of it! Jacen, turn off that music! __

Cut back to Quark's, where most people look bewildered.

**LANDO:** Oh, no, not again.

_Cut to secret passages, where people look exasperated._

**ANAKIN:** One down, far too many to go.

_Cut to lower corridors with other group._

**JADZIA:** Do you suppose it was another eyeless thing?

**JAKE:** I hope not.

_Cut to Promenade._

**BASHIR:** Let's leave _faster_.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit, where the console still displays the malicious smiley face, and the CARDASSIAN TECH is unsuccessfully attempting to lure CHOMPER out from under the desk with a catnip mouse._

**DUKAT:** I demand to know what that music is from!

_CHOMPER clacks its teeth; KIRA groans._

Cut to exterior space showing DS9 as the music finally stops.

  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 13 (about 2100 words) concerning Admirals, Conferences, Diplomatic-Babble, People Who Never Learn, Spies, and Awful Dominoes

**13**  


  
_Open on a very large conference room with a very large table. All admirals and arrivals are sitting at the table, down to the MONK and GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI. Most look like they've contracted terminal boredom._

All four captains are impatient; CHAKOTAY is trying to stay out of sight; other people are trying to amuse themselves; etc.

**NECHEYEV:** ...so if we analyze the situation we can see that a dialogue is appropriate at this time.

**KAI WINN:** Yes, Prophets willing, a dialogue could have untold benefits to all who speak in it.

**LEIA:** I quite agree. Extending that dialogue to negotiations regarding interchange of cultural...

_They continue with the diplomatic-babble. LEIA is in her element._

HAN, on the other hand, is in dreamland. Nobody is trying to wake him.

**NAOMI** _(whispered, to NASHIRA)_ **:** I can't understand what your mom is saying.

**NASHIRA** _(in kind)_ **:** That's okay. Neither can anyone else.

_The camera moves slowly around the table as the diplomatic babble continues. TAHIRI is reading; LUKE is meditating; NOMI is glaring at WAN-WAN._

**WAN-WAN** _(singing, softly)_ **:** Rory is a Rancor from my imagination...

_TUVOK is playing Kal-toh; GEORDI is frowning at a padd; D'ARGO is scowling, wearing an obsessed look, and doing the worried stare; O'BRIEN is doing the worried stare; CHEWBACCA is writing._

Chewbacca's Letter: _Dear, if things continue at the present rate, I will be able to visit after all because Han and the rest will probably be sitting here for weeks at least..._

EZRI is staring into space; MARA is grading Jedi Academy material.

Some material: What I Did On My Summer Vacation, by Anakin Solo I spent the entire vacation in a bacta tank because my brother's pets tried to eat me... _It's marked with a_ B - -- Anakin, Jedi are _not_ snarky, even about their brothers _._

JOOL is sulking; NEELIX is sorting recipe cards.

Titles on recipe cards: Fungus Pancakes _,_ Killer Salsa _,_ Pizza for the Amphibian Palate, Burgoyne Casadillas _, etc._

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

MOLLY's playing one of those video games; KIRAYOSHI has a toy targ _._

**MOLLY** _(hissed)_ **:** Kirayoshi, gimme that _targ_! It's mine!

**KIRAYOSHI** _(plaintively)_ **:** But _you_ weren't using it!

**MOLLY** _(whispering, grouchily)_ **:** Oh, fine.

_KES is gazing intently at nothing; the DOCTOR is fritzing; the MONK is meditating; the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI is asleep; STARK is eying him with an expression of deep suspicion._

**CHAKOTAY** _(whispering)_ **:** Captain...

**JANEWAY** _(in kind)_ **:** Don't worry about it. I doubt they'll even notice you for hours.

_Past them is TROI; the emotions of others have gotten the better of her and she's asleep. SHELBY is writing crew reports._

Crew report: Lieutenant Commander Burgoyne: shameful examples of dancing on tables and singing 'the casadilla song.' __

ZHAAN is making harmonious noises with a crystal. BURGOYNE is tapping hir feet on the table and humming the casadilla song. PICARD is trying _to pay attention (to the conference, not BURGOYNE)._

CALHOUN and JELLICO are glaring balefully at one another.

**JELLICO** _(whispering)_ **:** Read my lips... demotion!

**CALHOUN** _(whispering)_ **:** Read _my_ lips... mutilation!

_RYGEL is attempting and failing to sound important (or at least get a word in edgewise). Move past LEIA, the ADMIRALS, and KAI WINN to see SISKO, also_ trying _to pay attention. WORF is boring holes in the wall._

Padding around the outside of the table is QUARK.

**QUARK** _(quietly)_ **:** Glop-on-a-stick, glop-on-a-stick! Come get your glop-on-a-stick!

_Focus on a chronometer, which reads 18:00._

Fade out; fade in on chronometer, which reads 23:00. A number of people are now asleep at the table, down to the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI, QUARK, and BURGOYNE.

The only people still even pretending to pay attention are (big surprise) the ADMIRALS, LEIA, and KAI WINN. Even RYGEL and PICARD have given up.

**MOLLY** _(sleepily)_ **:** Daddy, I want to go home now. These people are boring. _(pause)_ Daddy? Are you listening?

_O'BRIEN is asleep._

**KES** _(sleep-talking)_ **:** Oh, hello electrons! Hello neutrons! Oh! And look what's beyond you!

**NAOMI** _(whispering)_ **:** If she starts dissolving the furniture, I'm leaving.

_NEELIX is asleep._

**NAOMI:** Neelix?

_NEELIX snores softly._

_LUKE stifles a yawn._

**LUKE:** Leia, maybe it's time to take a break for the night.

**NASHIRA:** I'm _hungry_.

**D'ARGO** _(hissed, to ZHAAN)_ **:** Zhaan... _Zhaan_...

_She snaps out of the harmonious noise-making,_

**ZHAAN:** Oh, sorry, D'Argo.

_The three non-_ Excalibur _captains are having a whispered conference. Finally they seem to come to an agreement and all stand up._

**PICARD:** Good night, Admirals, Kai. We'll go see about finding accommodations for our crews and guests.

_The diplomats don't even notice. Everyone else wakes up friends and troops out of the room without further ado. On the way out--_

**SISKO:** Worf, come on. Worf, look what you're doing to the _wall_.

_Finally they all make it._

**HAN:** Escaped!

**MARA:** They'll probably keep going all night.

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** No doubt they wiiillllll... Am I overdoing the ghost thing?

**LUKE:** Yes. This is ridiculous. Does anyone have any idea where we can find some beds?

**NASHIRA:** And food!

**TROI:** And a bathroom!

**PICARD:** No, this is the first time I've visited Starbase... Admirals R Us.

**NEELIX** _(voice going squeaky by the end of the sentence)_ **:** _What_ is that _smell_?

**ZHAAN and D'ARGO** _(in unison, taking large steps away from RYGEL)_ **:** Rygel!

**RYGEL** _(not sorry at all)_ **:** Sorry.

**D'ARGO:** When are we going to rescue Jothee?

**ZHAAN:** Now, now, we're not even sure that he needs rescuing.

**NAOMI:** I want to go home.

**JANEWAY:** We _are_ home.

**NAOMI:** I mean to the ship.

**JANEWAY:** I don't see why you shouldn't.

**LUKE:** If you don't mind, let's all go to the ship, at least until they finish up -- whenever that will be.

**HAN:** Probably never.

_Cut to station, Quark's Place; the lights are still dim. ROM and LEETA are clearly nervous; LANDO, JOTHEE, MORN, and SI CWAN are still at the bar. LANDO is telling MORN, who isn't listening, about the Battle of Tanaab. JOTHEE is apparently daydreaming his perfect holosuite program. SI CWAN is telling the whole bar about his Noble Heritage. Standing behind him, M'PELLA is imitating him with exaggerated gestures._

**LANDO:** So then I turned the ship around and--

**MORN:** Glug glug glug.

**JOTHEE:** Lots of little bells...

**SI CWAN:** For thousands of years we justly reigned...

**LANDO** _(to M'PELLA)_ **:** You're pretty funny. So, I turned the ship--

_Outside the bar, the JEM'HADAR with the penlight goes by. He doesn't even glance in._

**LEETA:** I still think you should hide somewhere.

**ROM:** Where?

**SI CWAN:** And everyone loved us!

**LEETA:** I don't know, the holosuites? Maybe with Vic Fontaine.

**ROM:** That's ridiculous.

**JOTHEE** _(ears perking)_ **:** Holosuites?

**LEETA** _(hastily)_ **:** No, I said cola, sweet.

_Outside on the Promenade, TOOTHY goes by, dragging the leg._

**LANDO:** And that's how I won the Battle of Tanaab! Would somebody wipe that up? It's poisonous.

_He indicates what's left of BUGGY._

**LEETA:** Right.

_She grabs a towel and scrapes BUGGY off the bar._

Outside on the Promenade, RIKER 2 goes by, speaking into a weird-looking device.

**SI CWAN:** Someone listen to me! I'm noble!

**M'PELLA:** Yeah, yeah, yeah.

**JOTHEE:** That guy's a pain in the _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Are you trying to win a frequent editing award, Jothee dear?

**LEETA:** I wonder what happened to the lights?

**ROM:** Virus. Probably another 'smiley' one.

_From just inside the bar:_

**BASHIR** _(hissing)_ **:** Rom. _Rom_!

_BASHIR comes a little farther in, after looking around._

**ROM:** Doctor Bashir, what are you doing here?

**BASHIR:** Trying to stay out of sight. What's going on?

**ROM:** Well, not much of anything. Everyone left when the Dominion invaded -- except for us. Quark left, too. The Jem'Hadar ran up and down the Promenade for a while. Then the lights turned off.

**BASHIR:** So I noticed. Probably another virus...

**ROM:** I think so. But Quark had installed emergency lights for stuff like this... they came on in a minute.

**BASHIR:** Figures.

**SI CWAN:** _I_ am _noble_!

**ROM:** Other than that, not much happened, except that annoying _Excalibur_ person came in, and we were nearly attacked by a poisonous bug.

**BASHIR:** Have you seen Lieutenant Commander Dax or Colonel Kira?

_LOVESTRUCK rushes in._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Yes! Have you seen Colonel Kira?!

**ROM:** No, not at all.

_LOVESTRUCK wilts._

**BASHIR:** Drat. What about Odo?

**ROM:** Well, there was a walking table on the Promenade a while ago. That might have been him.

**BASHIR** _(taken aback, slowly)_ **:** In-ter-est-ing.

**LEETA:** But it could have been a Dominion spy... or maybe just a walking table.

**RO** _(from offscreen)_ **:** No, you morons! We don't have time time for you to go in there and--

_Both RIKERs saunter in and sit down at the bar; LANDO, JOTHEE, and MORN look at them; MORN immediately goes back to his drink._

**LANDO:** You guys twins or something?

**RIKER:** Nope, I'm not related to him in the slightest! Hi, baby! How about a drink?

**THOMAS RIKER:** That's right, I have nothing to do with him at all. Hey there, good lookin'. I want a drink, too.

_LEETA gets the drinks while BASHIR groans loudly. RO groans more loudly, then enters, followed closely by CHIANA._

**RO:** Maybe we should _leave_ these imbeciles here! With their drinks!

**JOTHEE** _(to CHIANA, guiltily)_ **:** What are you doing here?

**CHIANA:** I was locked in the brig. What's your excuse?

**JOTHEE:** Um...

**M'PELLA:** He wanted to rent a holosuite full of--

_CRUSHER enters._

**CRUSHER:** Not _now_!

**RIKER:** But what else are we doing?

_BASHIR, RO, CHIANA, and CRUSHER sigh very loudly._

**LOVESTRUCK:** I'm going to go find Colonel Kira!

_He rushes off._

**BASHIR:** Wait, don't-- Oh, what's the point.

**CHIANA:** Good riddance. __

Cut to Ops office. DUKAT is in the chair; CHOMPER is still under the desk; KIRA is sitting on the floor. It's still semidark. The CARDASSIAN TECH is gone, and the malicious smiley face is still on the console.

**DUKAT** _(into comm)_ **:** No, I said a -- a smiley face. Yes! Now what do I do about it? Don't you put me on hold-- _Bleep_ it!

_Scowling, he turns off the comm._

**KIRA** _(sweetly)_ **:** Trouble with the tech hotline?

**DUKAT:** Oh, be quiet.

_The door opens and DAMAR staggers in, holding a mostly empty bottle of kanar._

**DUKAT:** Damar, have you been drinking again?

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Me? Drinking?

**KIRA:** Hmm, I wonder.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Weyoun wants to talk to you.

**DUKAT:** _Bleep_. Well, send him in.

**WEYOUN:** Hellooooo!

_WEYOUN comes in and walks straight towards the desk, until he trips over KIRA's outstretched legs._

**WEYOUN:** Hey!

**KIRA:** I'm _so_ sorry.

_WEYOUN looks down his nose at her, then goes over to DUKAT. He doesn't notice CHOMPER. DUKAT hastily stands in front of the console with the malicious smiley face._

**WEYOUN:** Is there a reason she's sitting around your office?

**DUKAT:** We lost power to the brig when, uh, the power grid mysteriously collapsed. I don't know where else to put her.

**WEYOUN:** Oh. Well, you need to repair the station as quickly as you can. The _Founder_ will be here soon.

**KIRA:** Oh, joy.

**WEYOUN:** Don't be so disrespectful.

_KIRA doesn't reply; she's studying CHOMPER, who seems to be considering biting WEYOUN._

**DUKAT:** My technicians will have the problem repaired in no time!

**WEYOUN:** Oh? Just what _is_ the problem?

**DUKAT:** Well, the station is in, um, very poor condition...

_CHOMPER moves forward, sniffs WEYOUN's leg, and recoils in disgust. KIRA shakes her head._

**KIRA:** Naturally.

**WEYOUN:** Well, the Founder will not be happy if everywhere is dark!

**VOICE:** Wesley is scared.

**DUKAT:** There it is again!

_Cut to lower core, as SOLETA, with candle, drags SELAR around a corner and runs into SELA._

**SELA:** Hi.

**SOLETA:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to Quark's as ROBIN runs in and flings herself towards SI CWAN._

**ROBIN:** I've been looking everywhere for you! I was afraid you'd been captured by those awful Dominoes!

**RO:** Dominoes?

**BASHIR:** I think she means Dominion.

**ROBIN:** And I've been wanting to tell you I'm in love with you and I want a less professional relationship!

_MORN, whose neck she's hanging onto, blinks._

**SI CWAN:** Oh, dear little Kally...

**JOTHEE** _(to ROBIN)_ **:** Hey, uh, you could come over here...

**VOICE:** As a come-on line, with Willy being a ten... that was... four-point-one.

**CHIANA** _(disgusted)_ **:** _Bleep_.

_Cut to the very back of the dimly-lit DS9 junk shop. Half-buried in a pile of high school chemistry sets, minus one of his legs, is everyone's favorite protocol droid._

**THREEPIO:** Won't somebody come save me? Help! Help!

_He thrashes feebly around, unable to do anything but jar the counter and knock another crate of test tubes over on himself to smash noisily._ ****

THREEPIO: Oh, dear. I'm doomed!

  



	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 14 (about 2000 words) concerning Tabloids (But Not Tavleks), Boredom, More Spies, More Disembodied Voices, Admirals, and Repeated Injunctions to Be Quiet

**14**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _mess hall. Most of the KIDS are asleep on the floor. A lot of the adults are also hanging around, even the DS9-ers (none of the captains are there) and Moyans, some of them asleep, others talking. BURGOYNE is tied up. The GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI is sitting on a table reading a tabloid entitled_ Smear! Weekly _; STARK is still observing him intently._

**HAN:** I bet Leia's still talking.

**EZRI** _(stifles a yawn)_ **:** Even Curzon wouldn't have taken that.

_Silence falls, eventually interrupted by the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI snickering over his tabloid._

**STARK** _(to ZHAAN)_ **:** He is _not_ acting someone on the other side should be.

**ZHAAN:** I realize I cant normally see them, but--

**STARK:** If he's on the other side, then where did he get that magazine?

**LUKE:** What is he reading, anyway?

**MARA:** You don't want to know.

**TROI:** It says _Smear! Weekly_.

**STARK:** Oh, _that_ explains it. Very broad circulation.

**RYGEL:** I was in that once.

**D'ARGO:** Just once?

**RYGEL:** Well, no, but I only gave them an actual interview once, when they did a profile of me as Hyneria's Most Eligible Male Looking For Additional Wives. An interview and a photo shoot! I got a _lot_ of letters, from admiring subjects, I can tell you--

**ZHAAN:** Be quiet.

**HAN:** A tabloid?

**ZHAAN, RYGEL, and D'ARGO** _(in unison)_ **:** TavLEK.

_A pause. People give them funny looks._

**HAN:** What's the headline?

**TROI** _(doubtfully)_ **:** Um... Army of Clones Invades Starfleet, with a lot of exclamation marks.

**EZRI:** Maybe they heard about all the Rikers.

**GEORDI:** Did anyone see any tabloid reporters?

**CHAKOTAY:** I didn't.

**HAN:** They could have snuck in through the ventilation.

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la one al la two casadilla, ah la one al la--

**MCHENRY:** Quiet.

**O'BRIEN:** Or they could have been with the _Excalibur_ people.

_The others consider this._

**CHAKOTAY:** You're probably right.

_Another silence._

**D'ARGO:** We have to--

**ZHAAN:** Moya still can't navigate. We all have to wait a while longer.

**QUARK:** Too bad. This place is weird.

**NEELIX** _(miffed)_ **:** I don't think _you're_ in a position to talk.

_Cut to the station, Quark's Place, partly lit. All those present before are still there._

**RO:** We'd better get moving. They won't leave the Promenade alone forever.

_BASHIR, CRUSHER, and CHIANA nod agreement. Neither RIKER looks up._

**ROBIN:** Er, I think I'll come with you. Si Cwan?

**SI CWAN:** Oh, run along and play.

_She turns red._

**CHIANA** _(to ROBIN)_ **:** Kill him. Are you staying here, Jothee?

**JOTHEE:** Unless you want me to come.

**CHIANA:** As a matter of fact I _don't_.

**LANDO:** Have a nice time. Watch out for Scarlet Death bugs.

**M'PELLA:** Kick Dominion--

**ROM:** If I see Dax, I'll tell her you were here.

**BASHIR:** Thanks. Be careful, Rom, and you, too, Leeta.

_RO, BASHIR, CRUSHER, CHIANA, and ROBIN head for the door, then pause._

**CRUSHER:** We're leaving now.

_The RIKERs do not react._

**RO:** Goodbye, then.

_Cut to lower corridors; actually a room off them, lit by hand-lights._

The group is clustered around a dim console, which also displays the malicious smiley face. B'ELANNA and JADZIA seem to be working on it; the others are keeping an eye out for enemies and on DELL.

**DELL:** You don't need to watch me like a baby.

**JAKE** _(sarcastically)_ **:** Right. I suppose you weren't the one who busted the last console--

_JADZIA makes a final adjustment._

**JADZIA:** I think this should do it--

**WILDMAN:** Someone's coming!

_JADZIA swings her light up just as GARAK comes into the room._

**B'ELANNA:** _Bleep_!

**VOICE:** Watch your language, B'Elanna. What would your mother say? Or maybe I don't want to know.

**JADZIA:** Go away. It's okay -- this is just Garak. He's on our side.

**B'ELANNA** _(doubtfully)_ **:** All... right.

**JADZIA:** No, really.

_GARAK bows elegantly. This doesn't impress B'ELANNA._

Cut to half-lit Ops office as TOOTHY comes in, dragging THREEPIO's leg. CHOMPER gets up.

**KIRA** _(under her breath)_ **:** Oh, Prophets, not another one.

**CHOMPER:** A present? For me? Really? Oh, Toothy, I just have to share it with you.

**KIRA** _(horrified)_ **:** It _talks_!

_She draws back as far as she can. The corridor ghouls lie under the desk chewing on the leg. DUKAT, WEYOUN, and DAMAR don't notice. DUKAT is still trying to keep anyone from seeing the malicious smiley face._

**DUKAT:** But I thought a Founder was already here.

**WEYOUN:** Yes... two, actually, counting the constable... but I haven't seen either of them. _(pause)_ Where _is_ the constable?

**DUKAT:** I don't know.

_They look at KIRA._

**KIRA:** Again, even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you.

_CHOMPER bites down too hard, whimpers, and spits out a tooth._

**WEYOUN:** Hmmph!

**CHOMPER:** Ow. I don't know, does this leg taste familiar to you?

_Cut to somewhere in the lower core as SELA stuffs the bound SOLETA and SELAR into a closet._

**SOLETA:** No. _Please_. Not with her!

**SELAR:** Not with her! Someone _male_!

**SELA:** _Pon farr_ \-- definitely a time for Romulans to _gloat_.

_Cut to the secret passages, lit only by the wavering beam of the super-bright high-power flashlight._

**ANAKIN** _(sulkily)_ **:** No, I won't let you carry the flashlight. It's mine.

**HARRY:** I know, but maybe if we could have some idea where we're going we could--

**TOM** _(wearily)_ **:** It's a lost cause.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

_There is a brief, wary pause, and conversation picks back up._

**WESLEY:** If any of you were _proper_ Starfleet officers--

**TOM:** Will you _be quiet_?

**WESLEY:** I don't have to listen to you, you aren't a proper officer.

**HARRY:** Well, I think everyone agrees with him.

**WESLEY:** I don't have to listen to you, you're only an ensign. No one here outranks me.

**TOM:** Ah-ah-ah, I was reinstated!

**ANAKIN:** And anyway, we _all_ out-brain you.

**WESLEY:** You're just a rude little boy. Why should I listen to you? I am the only--

**SEVEN:** You will be quiet! Resistance is futile!

**WESLEY:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_He tries to run away from SEVEN but trips on something and falls flat on his face._

**HARRY:** So much for proper officers.

**VOICE OF SCORPIUS** _(echoing)_ **:** John...

**JOHN:** Go _away_. That Voice is _really_ starting to get to me.

**ANAKIN:** Starting?

**HARRY:** I didn't hear it say anything.

_Cut to Promenade walkway with JOR. She's still wearing her uniform jacket, but her pants have been replaced by a long skirt._

She continues humming 'My Heart Will Go On.'

Cut to somewhere in complete darkness. Nothing can be seen.

**DATA** _(whispering)_ **:** Doctor... Doctor Crusher... where are you?

**KASIDY:** Is someone there?

_A light appears -- a wrist-light held by KASIDY, who walks onscreen. From the light present, we can see DATA, who's wearing the glasses-nose-and-mustache get-up and holding a magnifying glass. They're in the habitat ring._

**KASIDY:** Wha-- Who are _you_?

**DATA:** Data of the Starship _Enterprise_. And you?

**KASIDY:** Uh... Kasidy Yates. What are you _doing_?

**DATA:** Trying to find Doctor Crusher. She's somewhere on the station. Have you seen her?

**KASIDY:** No. _(pauses)_ I was under the impression that the station got taken over.

**DATA:** Oh, it has. That's why I'm in disguise.

_He indicates the glasses-nose-and-mustache._

**KASIDY:** I... see.

_Obviously she doesn't._

Cut to lower corridors with JACEN and JAINA, lit by flashlight.

**JAINA:** I wonder where we are now.

**JACEN:** Reddy! Reddy!

**JAINA:** Will you stop yelling and shut up? We might get caught.

**JACEN:** But I can't let anything happen to Reddy. He's my responsibility! He's counting on me for protection. Reddy! Where are you?!

_JAINA sighs heavily._

Cut to the secret passages, where JOHN is on the verge of having hysterics.

**JOHN:** _Bleep_ , it _is_ Scorpy!

**AERYN** _(worried)_ **:** Scorpius, not... ah, the neural clone? Are you sure?

**VOICE OF SCORPIUS** _(echoing)_ **:** You can't escape me...

**JOHN:** _Yes_ I'm sure! _Bleep_ it, I can _bleep_ ing well tell the difference between Harvey and -- and the real thing.

**WESLEY** _(deeply shocked)_ **:** Are you hearing _voices_ in your _head_?

**JOHN:** I--

**WESLEY:** You are! You're mentally disturbed! Not to be trusted!

**TOM** _(reasonably)_ **:** Look, Ensign, _everyone_ hears voices in their head from time to time. Sometimes it's an hallucination, sometimes it's stress, sometimes it's a sign of mental illness, but then there are the times -- the frequent times -- when it's an alien entity.

**SEVEN:** Or the Borg Queen.

**ANAKIN:** Or Exar Kun.

**HARRY:** Or just someone yelling at you from another room.

**TOM** _(to JOHN)_ **:** So don't worry... or I guess, don't worry about idiot ensigns saying you're crazy.

**JOHN:** I've got plenty else to worry about, believe me. Aeryn, this -- I don't know how, but -- this has gotta be another chip.

**AERYN:** _Bleep_.

**VOICE:** Potato chips?

**JOHN:** Look, if I want your contribution I'll ask for it! __

Cut to the docking ring, where a few emergency lights are still operating.

Move to an airlock as it cycles shut on the outside. Inside, waiting for the airlock to be filled, is someone in a black environmental suit.

As soon as the airlock is full, it opens on the inside. The guy takes off the environmental suit -- we see that it is SLOAN.

**SLOAN:** Heh heh heh.

_He ditches the suit in the airlock and goes off down the hall._

Cut to another part of the docking ring, also half-lit. RIKER 2, with the weird-looking device, is standing next to another airlock.

**RIKER 2** _(into communicator)_ **:** I want to be picked up _right_ now. _(pause)_ Well, I don't care _what_ you're doing. The Borg can wait.

_Cut to lower corridors with big group. JADZIA is sitting on a battered chair, using the console, which at least doesn't have the smiley face anymore._

**JAKE:** Any luck?

**DELL:** Let me see!

**WILDMAN:** Quiet. ****

JADZIA: Well, let's see... As usual, there's an... erratic assortment of operational stuff. Life-support... some emergency lights...

**B'ELANNA:** And some basic mechanical stuff, doors and so on, but no shields or weapons or anything more complicated.

**JADZIA:** Right. I'm trying to get internal sensors.

**GARAK:** This virus really is an elegant piece of work, isn't it.

_He gets some Looks. JADZIA keeps working, then smiles in satisfaction._

**JADZIA:** Got it! Hmm -- there are still quite a few people here.

**B'ELANNA:** Not surprising.

**JADZIA:** Looks like maybe... about sixty Jem'Hadar, more Cardassians. Quark's Place has almost full power, for some reason. And -- uh oh.

**NOG:** What?

**JADZIA:** I just got the Ops office. Colonel Kira's in there -- along with Dukat, Weyoun, Damar, and... two of those eyeless things. What _are_ they chewing on?

**GARAK:** Dukat and Weyoun?

**JADZIA:** No, the eyeless things.

**KEIKO:** Is Colonel Kira all right?

**JADZIA:** I think so. Dukat and Weyoun are screaming at each other. Big surprise. Hey, take a look at the console -- I bet Dukat's the one who set off the virus.

**JAKE:** Probably. So, who else do we _know_ is still here?

**B'ELANNA:** Tom, Harry, Seven... and Jor... Oh, and I think I saw the android from the _Enterprise_. Data.

**JADZIA:** Julian, Odo, Ro Laren... not to mention all those Rikers. One of them's probably the real one.

**JAKE:** Probably some civilians, anyway -- and Wesley Crusher.

**WILDMAN:** Some of those odd visitors from that organic ship.

**KEIKO:** Those crazy kids.

**NOG:** My father and Leeta, almost definitely.

**GARAK:** Some of the _Excalibur_ crew.

**JAKE:** Yuck.

**JADZIA:** That's quite a list.

**B'ELANNA:** Not much of a fighting force, though.

**JADZIA:** Oh, you never know.

_She looks around the room._

**JADZIA:** This will have to be headquarters for now. We need to find some of those people.

_Cut to Starbase Admirals R Us, the conference room. The captains are back, and they don't look happy._

**NECHEYEV** _(primly)_ **:** Well, _I_ think we should look at the Maquis problem first.

**JELLICO:** No, first we should court-martial Calhoun!

**ROSS:** The Dominion is a greater threat.

**NECHEYEV:** No, the Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** What about my worthless son?

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**PICARD:** What about my ship?

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**SISKO:** What about my station?

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**JANEWAY:** What about my _mind_?

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**JELLICO:** Hey! I said--

**CALHOUN:** You shut up!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**CAPTAINS:** What about my _crew_?!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**KAI WINN:** We must do as the Prophets will.

**SISKO:** And what is _that_?

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**LEIA:** Could we all calm down? Why can't they act like admirals?

**JANEWAY and SISKO:** That's the problem. They are.

_Cut to hall by conference room; you can still hear the admirals. HAN, CHAKOTAY, EZRI, and TROI are gathered, listening._

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**HAN:** This is ridiculous.

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**EZRI** _(disgustedly)_ **:** I'm going back to the ship.

**OTHERS:** Us, too.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 15 (about 1800 words) concerning Spies, Admirals, Ewoks, Kanar, Magazines, Madness, and the Imperial Star Destroyer _Blunt Instrument_

**15**  


  
_Open on SLOAN, prowling around DS9. He looks very sinister._

**VOICE:** So, here we have one recent arrival to the station, Luther Sloan of Section 31.

_SLOAN looks around, puzzled, then seems to have a revelation._

**SLOAN:** Oh, it's you again. I'm still interested in working with you, you know.

**VOICE:** No such luck. I have so much more fun on my own. Bye-bye.

_SLOAN pulls out a communicator._

**SLOAN:** 31 to Tal Shiar, are you there?

**SELA** _(from communicator)_ **:** Here, Sloan. Good to hear from you. I caught some Vulcans.

_Cut to Quark's Place. RIKER and THOMAS RIKER are intent on their drinks; MORN is gone; M'PELLA, LEETA, and ROM are behind the bar; SI CWAN has been gagged; JOTHEE is staring at M'PELLA; LANDO is playing a video game._

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

**ROM:** Could you turn that off?

**LANDO** : Oh, fine. Where'd that big guy go?

**LEETA:** Morn? I'm not sure.

**M'PELLA:** I think he followed Doctor Bashir and those others, but he might have just wandered off. _(to JOTHEE)_ Close your mouth, you're drooling.

**LANDO:** Oh. _(to RIKERs)_ Are you two sure you're not twins?

**RIKERS:** Yes, positive!

**LANDO:** Well, you sure _act_ like twins. You even say things at the same time.

**ROM:** Actually I think they're a transporter accident.

**RIKERS** _(in unison)_ **:** Yes, but _I'm_ the real one!

**SI CWAN:** Mmmf!

_Cut to habitat ring, still darkened. KASIDY, with the hand beacon, is watching DATA, still in crappy disguise, who's looking around with the magnifying glass._

**KASIDY:** Do you really think the magnifying glass is going to do a lot of good?

**DATA** _(cheerfully)_ **:** You never know.

**KASIDY:** Doctor Crusher isn't microscopic, is she?

**DATA:** No, but I thought the magnifying glass might help.

**KASIDY:** I... see.

_Obviously she still doesn't._

**KASIDY:** Uh... _you_ couldn't have picked up a virus, could you? __

Cut to darkened Promenade, as a walking TABLE wanders around.

Cut to Ops office, still half-lit.

**DUKAT:** And _I_ said, _I_ know how to handle things!

**WEYOUN:** And _I_ said, _I_ could do it better! And I'm rather _suspicious_ about this mysterious power failure--

**DUKAT:** As if you were here to do anything--

**KIRA:** I am _so_ unimpressed.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Does anybody have any kanar?

**KIRA:** I am even _more_ unimpressed.

_DAMAR wanders out, presumably in search of more kanar, as CHOMPER and TOOTHY continue chewing on THREEPIO's leg._

Cut to outer space, away from the station. A Star Destroyer moves into view; its name is the Blunt Instrument _._

Move in the window to the Star Destroyer's bridge, past vacant-eyed IMPERIALS to a large box with lots of flashing lights. It is clearly labeled Heroes of the Rebellion Detector _, and in smaller letters,_ Plot Devices, Inc. _._

The lights on the box suddenly turn red, and a loud bell rings.

Captain NEEDA, who's in charge here, spins to look at it.

**NEEDA:** The Heroes of the Rebellion Detector! It's detecting!

_All the IMPERIALS gasp. This is the most exciting thing that's happened in years._

**TK-421** _(gushily)_ **:** To think, this could happen to _us_ while we're just carting Ewoks around!

**TK-422** _(equally gushily)_ **:** Oh, boy!

_Cut to detention cell on_ Blunt Instrument _, full of bewildered-looking EWOKS and CINDEL._

**VOICE:** You'd think they might have noticed that not all of these are really Ewoks, but that's what happens when they send the _Blunt Instrument_. They can't do _anything_ right.

_All those in the detention cell look around, puzzled._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** What's that?

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Maybe an evil spirit.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I'm starving. When do they feed us?

_Cut back to the bridge, where the Detector is still flashing and ringing away._

**NEEDA** _(proudly)_ **:** Pinpoint where the Heroes of the Rebellion are! And call Lord Vader!

**TK-421:** Yes, sir! How do I do that?

**NEEDA:** Uh, you figure it out.

_Cut to a lounge on the_ Executor _. DARTH VADER is sitting in a chair with his feet up, reading a magazine called_ Sith Quarterly _, with a picture of a Nightsister on the front, when a TIMID STORMTROOPER peeks in._

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** Lord Vader?

**DARTH VADER:** What is it?

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** Sir, we're receiving a communication from a Star Destroyer. They want to talk to you, something about detecting Heroes of the Rebellion...

_DARTH VADER sits up straight._

**DARTH VADER:** Then put them through!

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** But sir, it's the _Blunt Instrument_.

**DARTH VADER:** Oh. Put them through. You did well to warn me.

_The TIMID STORMTROOPER retreats, relieved. DARTH VADER groans._

**DARTH VADER:** It just _had_ to be the _Blunt Instrument_ , didn't it.

**VOICE:** Oh, naturally, Darthie. It was fated.

**DARTH VADER:** Go away.

_The comm turns on to reveal the ecstatic face of NEEDA._

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** Lord Vader, the Heroes of the Rebellion Detector says we've found Lando Calrissian, both droids, and three of the Solo children!

**TK-421** _(on screen)_ **:** They're on that giant floating donut over there.

**TK-422** _(on screen)_ **:** No, it's a spider.

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** No, it's obviously a hairclip. But we found them, Lord Vader!

**DARTH VADER:** Hairclip?

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** Oh, uh...

_He gets a picture of DS9._

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** It looks like this.

**DARTH VADER:** It's a _space station_ , you morons.

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** Oh. Of course, Lord Vader.

**DARTH VADER:** So what's your ship doing, anyway?

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** We're delivering Ewoks, Lord Vader!

**TK-421** _(on screen)_ **:** Half for the Imperial Zoo...

**TK-422** _(on screen)_ **:** ...and the rest for the Imperial taxonomists!

**NEEDA** _(on screen, gushily)_ **:** At the Emperor's express order!

_DARTH VADER groans piteously._

**VOICE** _(sympathetically)_ **:** There, there, Darthie. It's all right. I'm sure His Excellency is just going through another phase.

**NEEDA** _(on screen)_ **:** Should we move in and catch them, Lord Vader?

**DARTH VADER:** Uh... go ahead and try. Give me your coordinates so we can send... backup.

_Cut to DS9, just outside the infirmary. None of the lights are on, but RO has a wrist beacon. She, CRUSHER, CHIANA, and ROBIN are leaning against the wall, waiting._

**CHIANA:** Why is this taking so long?

**RO:** I wish he'd hurry.

**CRUSHER:** He's only been in there for a minute or so.

**RO:** Yeah, but I still wish he'd hurry.

**ROBIN:** DS9-ers just can't be counted on for reliability.

_The other three look at her._

**CRUSHER:** Ensign, you're from the _Excalibur_.

**ROBIN:** So?

**CHIANA:** You should have let me do it. I'm better at sneaking and st-- acquiring things.

**RO:** One, you're not going anywhere unescorted, and two, you don't know what we need.

**CHIANA:** Like you weren't in the brig right next to me--

_BASHIR emerges from the infirmary holding another beacon and carrying a box._

**BASHIR:** All right, I have it. One emergency medkit, in case of emergencies. Where do we go now?

**RO:** We look for other people. Where are those secret passages you mentioned?

_Cut to Quark's as DAMAR lurches in._

**LEETA** _(to ROM)_ **:** See? I told you so.

**SI CWAN:** Mmmf!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Gimme some kanar, Ferengi.

**ROM:** I don't think I'm in danger from _him_.

**LANDO:** He sure looks weird.

**JOTHEE:** You mean drunk.

_ROM gives DAMAR a bottle of kanar; DAMAR sits at the bar and starts guzzling it. The RIKERs remain intent on their drinks._

**LEETA:** This is ridiculous.

**M'PELLA:** I completely agree.

_Cut to secret passages. By the light of the super-bright high-power flashlight, we see TOM peering through a spyhole in the wall._

**HARRY:** Do you see anything?

**TOM:** It's no use. I can't even tell what I'm looking at -- it's too dark.

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**HARRY:** We know that, Wesley.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**JOHN:** At least if I go insane here I won't be alone in my madness.

**AERYN:** You're not going to go insane.

**JOHN:** Tell that to the chip.

**VOICE:** Taco chips?

**ANAKIN:** If there aren't any lights, there probably aren't any people.

**HARRY:** Yeah, but it would be nice to know where we are.

**TOM:** Deep Space Nine.

**JOHN:** Anyway, it'd be nice if we weren't stuck here. Doesn't mean we're gonna get it.

**ANAKIN:** Whatever. Let's keep going. I'm getting bored.

_Speaking of bored, cut to Starbase Admirals R Us, conference room._

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

_Everyone else looks bored. LEIA is surreptitiously reading a parenting magazine. Even ADMIRAL PARIS and KAI WINN are dozing off. The MONK is snoring._

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

**LEIA:** You three are so repetitive...

_She returns to her magazine._

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

_The captains are sound asleep._

Cut to PILOT's den. PILOT is frowning at some monitors.

**PILOT:** I just don't know _what_ could be causing this. __

Cut to Voyager _mess hall. The kids are sitting around unattended._

**NAOMI:** Well, there was the time the Doctor went crazy.

**MOLLY:** What happened?

**NAOMI:** I don't know exactly, but he was acting _really_ weird.

**NASHIRA** _(glumly)_ **:** _Everyone_ I know acts really weird.

**MOLLY:** Me, too.

**NAOMI:** I guess me, too, but this was _especially_ weird. And the time Seven of Nine had multiple personality disorder. And there's all the junior engineers.

**NASHIRA:** What do they do?

**NAOMI:** Besides the hazing? Well, Crewman Jor--

**MEZOTI:** Naomi. Do you know where Seven of Nine is?

_She's just come in._

**KIRAYOSHI:** What's the matter with _her_?

**NAOMI:** Oh, hi, Mezoti. Didn't anyone tell you? She got left on the station. _(to the others)_ This is Mezoti. She's my friend.

**NASHIRA:** Pleased to meet you.

**MOLLY:** Is that an _implant_?

**MEZOTI:** I used to be Borg.

**MOLLY:** Cool. I've never met a Borg before. I'm Molly.

**NOMI:** Oh, no!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a Rancor from my imagination...

**NOMI:** Uncle Luke!

**NASHIRA:** He's not here.

**NOMI:** Wan-Wan is stupid.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Where's Daddy?

**MOLLY:** I think he's talking to the other grown-ups.

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room. Those adults not on the starbase are gathered, some seated at the table, but most standing. On the table is BURGOYNE, being ignored._

**BURGOYNE:** I love to dance!

**QUARK:** How long are they going to be in there?

**TROI** _(glumly)_ **:** Probably forever.

**NEELIX:** What if we just took the ships and went off without them?

**TUVOK:** That's illegal.

**O'BRIEN:** Tempting, though.

**EZRI:** I know. It must be Curzon.

**GEORDI:** I don't know -- it sounds good to me.

**CHAKOTAY:** Mm-hmm.

**RYGEL:** Are you all insane? We could get killed if we went back there.

**ZHAAN:** Rygel--

**D'ARGO:** We _have_ to go back!

**TUVOK:** I said, that's illegal.

**D'ARGO:** Not for us! ... if navigation worked.

**HAN:** Or for us.

**LUKE:** If only the hyperdrive worked.

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la--

**SHELBY:** _Quiet_.

**WORF:** I dislike this inaction.

**DOCTOR:** I'd hate to think what's happening to them.

**ZHAAN:** Everyone else _has_ been thinking about that.

**O'BRIEN:** That's why we're all so gloomy.

**EZRI:** You might have noticed.

**DOCTOR:** I _did_ notice.

**KES:** Ooohh, look! Beyond the subatomic!

**DOCTOR:** Not _now_ , Kes!

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Oh, I just _love_ looking beyond the subatomic, don't you?

_STARK gives him a suspicious look, LUKE groans, and everyone else sighs loudly. They aren't going anywhere._


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 16 (about 1900 words) concerning Ineffective Attacks, More Noncorporeal Entities, Somewhat More Effective Attacks, and Decaying Mental Conditions

**16**  


  
_Open on space as the_ Blunt Instrument _nears DS9._

**NEEDA** _(voice-over)_ **:** All right, arm the turbolasers and prepare to fire! Destroy the station!

**TK-422** _(voice-over)_ **:** But we don't want to kill them, do we?

**NEEDA** _(voice-over)_ **:** No, of course not! _Don't_ destroy the hairclip! Er, the station!

**TK-421** _(voice-over)_ **:** No, sir, that's a donut.

_Cut to half-lit Ops as DUKAT and WEYOUN come out of the office to stare out the window at the_ Blunt Instrument _. No one thinks to stop KIRA from following._

**KIRA:** What is _that_?

_No one answers. CHOMPER and TOOTHY come out of the office, look at the Star Destroyer, and exchange glances._

**TOOTHY:** Oh, no, not _them_.

_KIRA gets as far away from the corridor ghouls as possible._ ****

DUKAT: Someone identify that ship.

_The CARDASSIANS and JEM'HADAR all look at each other, but no one answers._

**WEYOUN:** What's it called? The _Blunt Instrument_? That's ridiculous.

**DUKAT:** I'm not arguing.

_Cut to_ Blunt Instrument _bridge._

**NEEDA:** Fire!

_Cut to exterior space, on the Star Destroyer as its turbolasers blast away, swing around to show the second volley, like the first, missing the station entirely._

Cut back to Ops, half-lit.

**KIRA:** That is _stupid_.

**DUKAT:** What are they _doing_?

**WEYOUN** _(amazed)_ **:** Their shields aren't even up.

**VOICE:** Yes, Weyouny-boy... that doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it...? Well, anyway, yes, they're rather stupid.

**KIRA** _(disgustedly)_ **:** Oh, Prophets, this is ridiculous.

**VOICE:** I'm glad you think so, Nerys.

_With a disgusted look at nothing in particular, KIRA retreats to the office and watches through the window. She is almost immediately distracted by a noise from the console._

**KIRA:** Oh, _now_ what?

_She goes over to take a look. The malicious smiley face now has a caption of_ Heh, heh, heh! Company's here!

**KIRA:** Oh, no! That's what it said just before it started beaming random ship passengers into--

_Cut to Ops._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** _Bleep_ , what's it doing _now_? Um--

_WICKET, TEEBO, LOGRAY, the other EWOKS, and CINDEL materialize in the middle of the room. Everyone stares in astonishment._

**KIRA** _(from office)_ **:** \--Ops. What is that ship, a traveling _zoo_? At least they all have eyes...

**CINDEL:** What-- Where--

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** We aren't in the prison any more!

**WEYOUN:** Dukat, did you order this? What are these things?!

**DUKAT:** No, it -- it must be your fault!

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** But I feel great evil! We must leave.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Do you think the scaly ones are safe to eat, Logray?

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** They're probably poisonous.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Come on, we're leaving!

_The EWOKS and CINDEL troop unopposed out of Ops, everyone still staring._

**DUKAT:** Hey, you let them get away!

**WEYOUN:** _I_ let them get away? _You_ were the one who let them get away. After bringing them on board in the first place--

**DUKAT:** No I didn't!

_Cut to room off lower corridors. The console has a malicious smiley face on it again. B'ELANNA has pulled open a panel in the wall and is playing with the wiring by wrist-light, while JADZIA continues at the console._

**B'ELANNA:** Is this helping?

**JADZIA:** Not yet, keep going... Stupid virus, just keeps coming back-- Oh, I don't like the look of _that_ message.

**JAKE:** What?

**JADZIA:** 'Company's here.'

**NOG:** Oh, _bleep_ , isn't that what it said just before it beamed half the Vedek Assembly--

**B'ELANNA:** Wait -- how's this?

**JADZIA** _(looking at screen)_ **:** Yes! Got external sensors. _(pause)_ What is _that_?

_The screen, at last clear of the malicious smiley face, shows the_ Blunt Instrument _._

**KEIKO:** Some sort of ship.

**NOG:** It's shooting at the station!

**JADZIA:** It can't be -- it must be shooting at... something off that way somewhere...

**JAKE:** But... there isn't anything off that way.

**B'ELANNA:** He's right. Either they're hallucinating or they have the worst aim in the quadrant.

**JADZIA:** Or their sensors read something ours can't.

**JAKE:** Somehow I don't think so.

**JADZIA:** No, you're right, it's not hitting anything... Must be the aim.

_Cut to exterior space as the_ Blunt Instrument _continues to bombard nothing. They aren't even close._

Cut to random place in lower corridors as LOVESTRUCK charges madly along.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Kira! Kira! __

Cut to secret passages; the super-bright high-power flashlight is pointed at the ceiling. The group is sitting around, looking glum.

**ANAKIN:** We could always cut a hole in the wall.

**HARRY:** With what? Our fingernails?

**ANAKIN** _(defensively)_ **:** It was just an idea. Better than sitting in the dark.

**WESLEY:** I'm scared.

**TOM:** _I'm_ scared of _Wesley_.

**SEVEN:** Sitting here does not accomplish anything.

**HARRY:** Does too. We're resting.

**JOHN** _(muttering)_ **:** Not now, get out of my head!

**AERYN:** Are you all right?

**JOHN:** Fine. Just peachy.

**VOICE:** Fish and chips?

**JOHN:** How many times do I have to tell you--

**ANAKIN:** You know, my flashlight might run out of batteries. Good thing I have spares.

**HARRY:** Batteries? ****

JOHN _(continuing the previous conversation)_ **:** I'm just hallucinating him. I am... _completely_ in control. Right now.

**AERYN** _(soothing)_ **:** That's good to hear.

_She looks nervous nonetheless._

**AERYN:** Tell me if it gets any worse, all right?

**ANAKIN:** Maybe the Goldfish Guy could barge through the wall.

_They look around, but KEBRON is nowhere in sight._

**HARRY:** Where'd he go?

**AERYN:** And why didn't we notice when he did? ****

WESLEY: Good riddance. __

Cut to (emergency-lit) Quark's Place, looking out the door onto the darkened Promenade as the EWOKS (and CINDEL) parade past.

**LEETA:** Weird. __

Cut to exterior space as the Super Star Destroyer Executor _nears the station._

**DARTH VADER** _(voice-over)_ **:** Call the _Blunt Instrument_ , tell them _we'll_ take care of this.

_Cut to darkened lower corridors with JACEN and JAINA._

**BOTH:** Uh oh.

**JACEN:** Do you sense what I sense?

**JAINA:** If you sense our, ah, beloved grandfather, then yes.

**JACEN:** We're in trouble.

_Cut to Ops, half-lit as the_ Executor _begins firing at the station, aiming for weapons. Everything shakes._

**DUKAT:** Oh, no.

**WEYOUN** _(to JEM'HADAR)_ **:** Don't just stand there, do something!

**KIRA** _(from office)_ **:** Who, me?

**WEYOUN:** No, of course not you!

**DUKAT:** Where's Damar? Has anyone seen Damar?

**WEYOUN:** He's probably drunk. Jem'Hadar! I said, do something! And -- _what_ is this... face?!

_Cut to closet where SELAR and SOLETA are tied up. It's shaking violently._

**SELAR:** You know, I think that Romulan is related to you.

**SOLETA:** _I_ think _you're_ related to Harry 'The Disease' Kim.

_Cut to room off lower corridors. Everyone is rushing around, though there are only two working terminals and JADZIA and B'ELANNA are monopolizing them._

**JADZIA:** I think we have a problem.

**B'ELANNA:** Is anyone shooting back? I don't know if we want them to or not.

**JADZIA:** No... they can't, no power to weapons. I don't know if it would do any good if they did...

**NOG:** Does anyone recognize that ship?

**JADZIA:** I doubt it. I'm trying to get a damage report--

**B'ELANNA:** Uh oh -- attack shuttles.

**KEIKO:** Are they going to board the station?

**B'ELANNA:** Presumably.

**JAKE:** Look on the bright side, I doubt they'll find _us_ \--

_He is interrupted by a shrill alarm. Everyone jumps, and B'ELANNA frowns at the computer._

**B'ELANNA:** I didn't think we had any alarms working down here--

**JADZIA:** We don't -- not normal system ones, anyway.

_Reaching into her jacket, she pulls out a small, pagerlike device which is beeping furiously and flashing a light._

**NOG:** Oh. Senior staff emergency alert pager.

**B'ELANNA:** Of course. What's the emergency?

**JADZIA:** I'm checking, it could just be the Dominion attack--

_The beeping goes a pitch higher and the flashing light changes from white to red._

**JADZIA:** Oh no.

**NOG:** That's not--

**JAKE:** Oh _no_.

_On its tiny screen, we see the pager is flashing the words_ Pah-wraith on station _._

**JADZIA:** I think -- we have -- a problem.

_Cut to exterior space as Imperial shuttles zoom towards the station. Swing along exterior docking ring, looking in a few windows -- SELA packing a large gun, and speaking into a communicator..._

**SELA** _(voice-over)_ **:** Yes, that's right. You can't miss it, space station by the Bajoran wormhole. Uh-huh. See you soon!

_She turns off the communicator._

**SELA** _(voice-over)_ **:** This is gonna be _so_ much fun! __

...RIKER 2 checking his watch, SLOAN snooping around, FANG slobbering on a window -- until, at a far corner of the ring, wobbling up to dock, another little ship is seen.

**PATRICK** _(voice-over, peevishly)_ **:** But how is coming here going to help us keep the universe from collapsing?

**JACK** _(voice-over)_ **:** We only have sixty trillion years!

_Cut to interior of little ship. JACK, PATRICK, and LAUREN are lounging around._

**LAUREN:** Well, _I_ got the ship, so _I_ decide where to go.

**JACK:** It's not fair.

**PATRICK:** _I_ wanted to go to Ferenginar!

**LAUREN:** Too bad.

_Cut to LOVESTRUCK_ still _charging madly along._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel, where are you? I'm coming to the rescue! Colonel Kiiirrraaaa! __

Cut to Quark's as the EWOKS return and come right into the bar.

**M'PELLA:** Um.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** It looks safe here.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I agree, but I'm still starved.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Be quiet, Teebo. I feel no evil spirits at the moment.

**CHIEF CHIRPA** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Then let's set up camp.

**LANDO:** Ewoks? How the _bleep_ did they get here? This is _all_ we need. No, I'm wrong, we still need Jawas. I shouldn't have said that, should I.

**JOTHEE:** They don't look very dangerous... _(added, to M'PELLA)_ But if they are I'll protect you.

**LANDO** _(to JOTHEE)_ **:** Kid, you really need to work on your style.

**VOICE:** I agree. That was just a five.

**DAMAR** _(drunkenly)_ **:** I'm all out of kanar. Gimme some more.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Can't someone throw the Cardassian out?

**RIKER:** He's drunk. And I don't like Cardassians.

**LEETA:** They took over the station, you might have noticed.

**ROM:** What are all those furry things?

**LANDO:** Ewoks. I just told you.

**ROM:** Oh. Okay. Ewoks. Where did _they_ come from?

**LANDO:** The Forest Moon of Endor.

**RIKER:** But how did they _get_ here?

**THOMAS RIKER:** I was going to ask that!

_SI CWAN spits out his gag._

**SI CWAN:** Noble, I tell you!

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Oh, look! Dinner!

_Cut to Ops, where JEM'HADAR and CARDASSIANS are fighting over the controls, most of which don't work anyway. The screens are just showing malicious smiley faces with captions of_ Heh, heh, heh! _DUKAT and WEYOUN are running around, giving occasionally contradictory orders._

**CHOMPER:** This is so _dull_.

**TOOTHY:** We could go eat Anakin.

**CHOMPER:** I'm not sure where he is. Are you?

**TOOTHY:** Afraid not. Ice cream?

**CHOMPER:** Sure!

**TOOTHY:** All right. I'll go get some and meet you back here.

_TOOTHY leaves Ops._

**KIRA** _(from office)_ **:** I'm gonna scream. I swear, I'm gonna scream.

_Cut to Promenade, lights out. CRUSHER, RO, ROBIN, and CHIANA are standing around as BASHIR taps on the wall._

**RO:** Well?

**BASHIR:** I know we sealed most of the secret passages, but I swear we left one here open!

**ROBIN:** _Now_ what do we do?

**RO:** I don't know.

**CRUSHER:** Calm down, Robin.

**CHIANA:** I could take a crack at the passage thing. All of you are such amateurs

_She is interrupted by a shrill beeping._

**RO:** What's that noise? Shut it off!

**BASHIR:** Oh, that's mine, sorry, just a sec--

_He fumbles for his pager and manages to turn the sound off, then pales as he reads what the alert is about._

**BASHIR:** Oh, _bleep_.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 17 (about 1900 words) concerning Ewoks, Kanar, Noncorporeal Entities, Spies and their Jobs, Admirals, and Hallucinations

**17**  


  
_Open on corridor, Starbase Admirals R Us. STARK, still looking dubious, is following the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI._

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** ...So the deal was, when he struck me down, I became more powerful than he could imagine.

**STARK:** Is that so?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Yes. Why are you so worried about this, anyway?

**STARK:** It seems... strange, that's all.

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** There are _evil_ noncorporeal entities abroad which should worry you more, I would think! __

Cut to room off lower corridors.

**B'ELANNA:** Explain it again, slowly this time. I couldn't understand most of it.

**JADZIA:** What didn't you understand?

**B'ELANNA:** You lost me after 'Kosst Amojin is.'

**JAKE:** Insert word of choice: evil, full of hatred, very scary, anti-prophet, murderous, vaguely red-colored, glowing, fond of possessing people--

**JADZIA:** Never mind, Jake. Let's get back to a subject we can do something about.

**NOG:** We can't do anything about anything.

**WILDMAN:** Don't be pessimistic.

**JAKE:** More like realistic.

**DELL:** _I_ want to use the computer.

**ALL:** Shut up, Dell.

_Cut to Promenade walkway with JOR. She's still humming 'My Heart Will Go On,' and she's dressed completely in period clothing. Her eyes are glazed and she's smiling brilliantly._

**JOR:** Oh, Jack, I'm coming!

_Cut to Quark's. ROM, LEETA, M'PELLA, JOTHEE, the RIKERs, and LANDO look up at the ceiling; DAMAR is too drunk to notice anything._

**THOMAS RIKER:** Did you hear something?

**RIKER:** Something about 'Jack.'

**LANDO:** Who's 'Jack'?

**ROM:** I don't know. There are a lot of people named that, you know.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** I love kanar.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I think someone's going to sing.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I'm hungry.

**LEETA:** Can anyone understand what those Ewok things are saying?

**LANDO:** See-Threepio can, but I don't think he's here. Both the droids got stolen... probably by the gardener. I always thought it was kinda strange... _(pause)_ Besides, it's pretty self-explanatory.

_The EWOKS are setting up a spit for SI CWAN._

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit. KIRA is sitting on the desk watching the chaos outside. CHOMPER is visible, lying around licking its lips._

**KIRA:** Great. What could possibly make this worse? I shouldn't have said that.

**VOICE:** Probably not, Nerys.

_And right on cue, off goes the senior staff emergency alert pager._

**KIRA:** Great! And what do you want to bet mine's going off half an hour after everyone else's, _again_ , because the stupid _system_ isn't convinced someone not in Starfleet can be on the senior staff--

_She's locating the pager as she speaks, and breaks off as she actually takes a look at it:_ Pah-wraith on station _. KIRA pales._

**KIRA:** Oh, _bleep_. This is _definitely_ worse.

**CARDASSIAN TECH** _(yelling, in Ops)_ **:** I _told_ you not to do that!

_Cut to Ops._

**CARDASSIAN TECH** _(yelling, continued)_ **:** The problem here is _not_ just in the _computer_!

**WEYOUN:** I hardly think we need any more Cardassian advice!

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Fine! I quit!

_Cut to docking ring with bored and impatient RIKER 2._

**RIKER 2:** Why does this stuff keep happening to me? Infiltrate the _Enterprise_ , they said. Act like one of them, they said. It'll be easy, they said. I'm signing up for a desk job.

_Cut to other part of docking ring as LAUREN, JACK, and PATRICK come out of an airlock carrying lights._

**JACK:** All right, we're here. Now which way do we go?

**PATRICK:** That depends.

**JACK:** On where we're going?

_They look at LAUREN._

**LAUREN:** Of course it does! Follow me. I know the way.

_They head off down the hall._

Cut to an exterior shot of the docking ring as another small ship moves past the Jack-Pack's towards another docking area.

**JENAVIAN** _(voice-over)_ **:** Right, this looks like it, space station by a wormhole, near planet called Bajor. _(pause)_ Wormhole? __

Cut to somewhere in the dark.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**VOICE:** You're disturbing. __

Cut to secret passages, by the light of the super-bright high-power flashlight. ANAKIN is nervously looking around.

**ANAKIN:** Darth Vader is coming. I think there's trouble.

**HARRY:** From the way the station was shaking, that's a fair assessment.

**JOHN:** All right, someone else who's trouble who we've never heard of. Who's Darth Vader?

**ANAKIN:** Here, read the informational pamphlet.

_In the semidarkness, JOHN and AERYN squint at the informational pamphlet. Its title is:_ Surviving the Sith: A Beginner's Guide _._

**SEVEN:** We need to access a--

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**HARRY:** Tom?

**TOM:** Run! It's one of those eyeless things! Run! It's huge!

**HARRY:** I don't see anything.

_ANAKIN, of course, begins shining the flashlight all over everywhere. No corridor ghouls are in evidence._

**ANAKIN:** I don't see any, either. ****

TOM: Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**SEVEN:** L-- E-- M-- L-- _ahem_ , Lieutenant. Are you all right?

**TOM:** It's about to attack me!

**SEVEN:** There are no creatures present.

**TOM:** But it's right there!

_He points. The camera swivels; he's pointing at WESLEY._

**JOHN:** _Bleep_! It's Scorpius!

**AERYN:** No, it's not.

**JOHN:** What?! Oh... you're right. Sorry. Guess I'm a little on edge.

**ANAKIN:** That's scary enough... but he isn't a corridor ghoul.

**TOM:** It is too! Help!

**HARRY:** Tom? That's _Wesley_.

**WESLEY:** He's scaring me.

**SEVEN:** This individual is _very_ tiresome.

**HARRY:** I know. Tom, are you okay?

**TOM:** But it's a _corridor ghoul_!

**SEVEN:** I believe he is experiencing hallucinations.

**JOHN:** That seems to be going around.

**AERYN:** Don't tell me _you're_ seeing corridor ghouls.

**JOHN:** Of course not!

**ANAKIN:** Really, I don't think Wesley is much like a corridor ghoul. They don't whine, for one thing -- but Wesley has eyes. And smaller teeth.

**TOM:** But I can see it!

**HARRY** _(groans)_ **:** We're in trouble.

**WESLEY:** No _proper_ Starfleet officer would have this problem.

**HARRY** _(wearily)_ **:** Shut up, Wesley.

_Cut to docking ring with SELA, waiting by an airlock. It cycles open and JENAVIAN comes out, dressed in a stylish black jumpsuit with a holstered pulse pistol and carrying a medium-sized black bag._

**SELA** _(excited squeal)_ **:** Jena!

**JENAVIAN** _(excited squeal)_ **:** Sela!

_They hug._

**SELA:** It's so good to _see_ you -- how long's it been, five years?

**JENAVIAN:** Almost six cycles, anyway -- deep cover, you know!

_They laugh, and start walking along._

**JENAVIAN:** I'm just glad I could get away for this. Did I miss anything?

**SELA:** Nah, hardly anyone's here yet. I've just been twiddling my thumbs, shutting Vulcans in closets... _(more laughter)_ So how've you been?

**JENAVIAN:** Oh, not bad, not bad -- but let me tell you about this supposed fiancé I had to suffer through on my mission. What a _moron_. Y'see, I was trying to prevent...

_Cut to Starbase Admirals R Us, the hall near the conference room. CHAKOTAY, TROI, EZRI, WORF, the DOCTOR, HAN, LUKE, SHELBY, O'BRIEN, GEORDI, D'ARGO, and ZHAAN are standing around. ZHAAN has drawn D'ARGO aside for an explanation._

**ZHAAN:** Since Moya can't navigate and the station is out of range of a transport pod, we need help in order to get back. And for that we need these people, and for _that_ they need their captains back.

**D'ARGO:** Fine, fine.

**SHELBY:** I don't think we can get them out of there.

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**JELLICO** _(from room)_ **:** Court-martial!

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**JELLICO** _(from room)_ **:** Court-martial!

**CHAKOTAY:** Not without a fight.

**EZRI:** We can't just _leave_ the captains in there.

**CHAKOTAY:** I know, I know.

**HAN** _(glumly)_ **:** Leia's probably enjoying herself.

**LUKE:** I don't know. It's not like she can get a word in edgewise.

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**JELLICO** _(from room)_ **:** Court-martial!

_They continue fighting in the background._

**TROI:** We could try to distract them.

**DOCTOR:** The admirals? How?

**O'BRIEN** _(doubtfully)_ **:** Cut off power to the conference room?

**HAN:** It would cause more trouble than it's worth.

**WORF:** We could storm the room.

**DOCTOR:** I hope that was a joke.

**GEORDI:** We can't. I think cutting the power might work.

**CHAKOTAY:** What if we flooded the room with gas?

**EZRI:** What kind do we have access to?

**CHAKOTAY:** Um...

**D'ARGO:** Rygel's?

**ZHAAN:** D'Argo! That might kill someone. Besides, he's still in there.

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**JELLICO** _(from room)_ **:** Court-martial!

**DOCTOR:** We're wasting time.

**O'BRIEN:** Your cook's suggestion is sounding better all the time.

**CHAKOTAY:** Nobody tell Tuvok, but I agree.

**EZRI:** Don't we all.

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**JELLICO** _(from room)_ **:** Court-martial!

**ROSS** _(from room)_ **:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV** _(from room)_ **:** Maquis!

**JELLICO** _(from room)_ **:** Court-martial!

_Cut to DS9, Ops, still half-lit. DUKAT and WEYOUN are standing nose to nose screaming at each other._

**DUKAT:** This is all your fault!

**WEYOUN:** The Founder won't believe that dirty lie!

**DUKAT:** I don't care what your stinky Founder thinks! This is all your fault, Weyoun!

**WEYOUN:** No, it's all yours! And the Founder doesn't stink!

**DUKAT:** Does too!

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**DUKAT:** Does too!

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**KIRA** _(from office)_ **:** Good grief.

**DUKAT:** Does too!

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**CHOMPER:** This is soooooo boring.

**KIRA** _(from office)_ **:** Well, I said I was gonna scream, and I meant it. _(pauses)_ Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to Promenade, darkened, as the walking TABLE shoots straight up to the ceiling. It bounces off, turns into a glop of gold goop, then falls back towards the floor and turns into a giant SUPERBALL._

Boing, boing, boing!

It ricochets wildly around the Promenade, smashing store windows and narrowly missing MORN, who blinks at it. The SUPERBALL bounces away down the Promenade off screen.

**VOICE:** And that, boys and girls, is what we call an 'overreaction.' Isn't that right, Morn?

_MORN blinks._

Cut to Quark's as ROM, LEETA, LANDO, RIKER, THOMAS RIKER, M'PELLA, JOTHEE, all the EWOKS, CINDEL, and the tied up SI CWAN turn and stare out to the Promenade as the giant SUPERBALL bounces past. Even DAMAR is startled out of his stupor.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** What was that?

**THOMAS RIKER:** Be quiet.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** It's an evil spirit! Run! Run!

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** No it isn't, Teebo.

**LANDO:** It looked like a gigantic Superball.

_Meanwhile, M'PELLA slaps JOTHEE's hand away._

**M'PELLA:** Look but don't touch!

**VOICE:** Ooohhh, ouch. A bungled grope is negative one.

**LEETA:** I'm getting a headache. Uh-oh--

_The CARDASSIAN TECH stomps in, clearly in a very bad mood. He goes directly to the bar._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Raktajino. _Strong_ raktajino.

**ROM:** Uh, all right...

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Shouldn't you be on duty?

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Same to you, _sir_. Anyway, I quit.

_Cut to habitat ring, lit with hand-light, as a bewildered KASIDY trails after DATA._

**KASIDY:** Where _are_ you going?

_Cut to docking ring with PATRICK, LAUREN, and JACK. They have hand-lights._

**JACK:** This way!

**PATRICK:** No, this way!

**LAUREN:** No, the turbolift!

_She leads them into a turbolift; the doors close._

Cut to Ops, half-lit.

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**DUKAT:** Does too!

**KIRA** _(from office)_ **:** This is insane.

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**DUKAT:** Does too!

_KIRA comes out of the office and stands a meter from DUKAT and WEYOUN, then sighs._

**KIRA:** Absolutely insane.

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**DUKAT:** Does too!

**WEYOUN:** Does not!

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Does not what?

_The camera swivels; she's just come into Ops._

**KIRA:** Oh, no!

**WEYOUN:** Founder!

_He bows._

**WEYOUN:** Dukat and I were merely having a... discussion.

**CHOMPER:** Discussion, indeed!

_The FEMALE FOUNDER gives CHOMPER a very wary look._

**FEMALE FOUNDER** _(horrified)_ **:** It _talks_!

**KIRA:** Hey! That's my line!

**VOICE:** Well, you stole it from Thomas Riker. ****

FEMALE FOUNDER: What is that... thing?

**KIRA:** It hangs around Ops and... talks.

**WEYOUN:** Be quiet! I don't know what it is, Founder. I believe it was here when I arrived.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Oh. _(changes the subject)_ Where is Odo?

**WEYOUN:** I don't know, Founder.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Where is the Founder who assisted in capturing this station?

**WEYOUN:** I'm sorry, Founder, I don't know that, either.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** I see. And... what about the lights?

**WEYOUN:** I'm not sure, _Dukat_ seems to have had some problem with them.

**DUKAT:** Oh... I can explain!

**KIRA:** I have got to hear this.

_Cut to Starbase Admirals R Us conference room._

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** I still want to know what you're going to do about my worthless son!

**SISKO** _(halfheartedly)_ **:** But what about Deep Space Nine?

_RYGEL is still asleep, but the captains have woken up from their nap, though they still look a little sleepy. JANEWAY is zealously guarding a coffee cup._

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

**CALHOUN:** Well, same to you!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**JELLICO:** Court-martial!

**PICARD:** I'm getting _very_ tired of all this.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 18 (about 1800 words) concerning Intriguing Invasions, Alarming Arrivals, Harrowing Hallucinations, Great Golden Gods, and Terrifying _Titanic_ -itis

**18**  


  
_Open on the_ Enterprise _drifting in space, unattended._

**VOICE:** And where, you ask, has the rest of the crew gone? Why, where else would they go? Risa!

_Cut to exterior docking ring as the Imperial shuttles move in and dock._

Cut to interior of Imperial shuttle, as DARTH VADER addresses the troops.

**DARTH VADER:** All right, we'll secure the immediate area and get the Rebels. Then we leave.

**TK-421:** We leave the immediate rebels and area the secure rug?

**DARTH VADER:** Arrgh! How'd you get in here?! You're supposed to be on the _Blunt Instrument_!

**TK-421:** I came with Captain Needa, Lord Vader.

**DARTH VADER:** _He's_ supposed to be on the _Blunt Instrument_!

**NEEDA:** But I wanted to help!

**DARTH VADER:** Oh, no.

**TK-422:** Me, too, Lord Vader! To make up for the disappearing Ewoks.

**DARTH VADER:** The Ewoks are gone? That's first good news I've heard in hours.

_Cut back to exterior space, swinging past the Imperial shuttles along the docking ring to where another sinister ship is pulling in, with a bumper sticker reading_ 1/2 Scarran on board _..._

**VOICE:** Here comes trouble! __

Cut to Quark's, the EWOKS' camp.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** The Great Golden God! I can hear him calling!

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Really? Where?

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I can hear him! He's that way!

_WICKET points out onto the Promenade. WICKET, LOGRAY, and TEEBO head out, leaving the other EWOKS in Quark's._

**LANDO:** I want another drink.

**ROM:** How many have you had?

**LANDO:** Not as many as him, and I've been here longer.

_He points at DAMAR._

**LEETA:** True.

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** You'd need to drink a _lot_ to catch up with him.

**JOTHEE:** About the holosuites--

**LEETA:** No. _(to ROM)_ We can't let him. He's even younger than Nog.

_SI CWAN manages to wriggle loose._

**SI CWAN:** Why didn't any of you help me?!

**VOICE:** Hmm. I wonder.

_Cut to docking ring with RIKER 2, looking even more bored._

**RIKER 2:** _Where_ is my ride?

_An airlock opens, and RIKER 2 spins around, but instead of the hoped-for ride back to... wherever... what emerges is (thunder booms) SCORPIUS._

**RIKER 2:** Great, _more_ evil sinister people.

**SCORPIUS:** And who are _you_?

**RIKER 2:** None of your business.

_SCORPIUS starts towards RIKER 2 menacingly, but abruptly reconsiders and stalks away towards a turbolift._

**RIKER 2:** Huh, I wonder if he could tell... Well, who cares. He was nasty. I'll just... set his ship adrift!

_Cut to the secret passages, dark. TOM is still seeing things; HARRY and SEVEN have made him sit down. More trouble is brewing, however; JOHN jumps about three meters._

**JOHN:** Aeryn, he's here.

**AERYN:** Nonsense, how could he be?

**JOHN:** I know he's here. He's talking to me...

**AERYN:** Don't listen.

**ANAKIN:** I can sort of sense your problem through the Force. Have you ever considered getting professional help?

**JOHN:** A doctor? Yeah. Did that. Seem to need it again--

**ANAKIN:** I was thinking a Jedi.

**TOM:** It's... it's... Aaaaaaahhhhh! It's a giant fungus pancake!

**HARRY:** That would certainly be worrying, if it existed. Which it doesn't.

**ANAKIN:** This is insane.

**WESLEY:** If there were any--

**HARRY:** Don't say it!

**ANAKIN:** If you so much as mention the word 'proper' I'll hit you with the flashlight.

**SEVEN:** I am experiencing discomfort in my cranium.

**ANAKIN:** Huh?

**HARRY** _(translating)_ **:** She says she has a headache. Me, too.

**ANAKIN:** Me, three.

**WESLEY:** Me twenty-six.

**AERYN:** Arrgh.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit. WEYOUN and DUKAT are competing for the FEMALE FOUNDER's attention. While they were distracted, KIRA took the desk chair. She's playing with the baseball._

**KIRA:** Well, no one else was using it.

**CHOMPER:** I wonder what's taking Toothy so long?

**KIRA:** Arrgh.

**WEYOUN:** Founder, I think Dukat has done a terrible job--

**DUKAT:** Not nearly as terrible as Weyoun has--

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Arrgh.

**KIRA:** You took my line _again_! Arrgh!

**VOICE:** Arrgh, arrgh, arrgh, everybody says arrgh.

**LONG JOHN SILVER:** Arrgh! Shiver me timbers!

_Exit LONG JOHN SILVER. Everyone stares after him, including the JEM'HADAR and CHOMPER._

**KIRA:** Where did _that_ come from?

**CHOMPER:** I dunno.

_Cut to somewhere in the lower core with SELA and JENAVIAN. Both seem to be checking their comms for messages._

**SELA:** Like I care about hot Klingon babes...

**JENAVIAN:** Oh, _bleep_ , Scorpius is here. Well, so long as he doesn't know I'm here. I am on _vacation_!

_Cut to somewhere else in the lower core._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Nerys! Nerys! I love you!

_Cut to room off lower corridors. NOG is fiddling with the still-blinking Senior Staff Emergency Alert pager, trying to get it to stop._

**NOG:** Come on, you stupid thing, stop blinking... you're making everybody nervous... __

JAKE, JADZIA, and KEIKO are pointedly not looking at the pager and are probably pretending it does not exist. The Voyager _people seem to have forgotten it._

**B'ELANNA:** I don't think it's all that critical. What are _those_?

_Her computer terminal is displaying the EWOKS on the Promenade._

**JADZIA:** I have no idea.

**JAKE:** They look like teddy bears.

**WILDMAN:** Sort of.

_Cut to junk shop as EWOKS march in to where THREEPIO is lying in the rubble._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** See? Here's the Great Golden God!

**THREEPIO:** Oh, thank goodness. _(pause)_ Ah... how did you get here?

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** What a mess!

_Cut to Promenade walkway with JOR. Still wearing the period clothing, she's running up and down the walkway._

**JOR:** Oh, I'll never marry that horrid Callen! Jack! Jack!

_Cut to junk shop as the EWOKS carry THREEPIO out._

**THREEPIO:** My goodness, what's that?

**JOR** _(from offscreen)_ **:** Jack! Jack! Wait for me!

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** It's the mystery singer!

_Cut to room off lower corridors as JOR appears on the screen of B'ELANNA's terminal._

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, no. _Bleep_. This is not what I needed.

**JAKE:** What?

**B'ELANNA:** Jor has _it_ again.

**WILDMAN:** Oh no, not...

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, yes. Jor's _Titanic_ -itis has gone active again.

**JADZIA:** I thought that disease had been eliminated centuries ago!

**KEIKO:** It isn't contagious, is it?

**B'ELANNA:** No... but it's _so_ annoying...

**JAKE:** That's terrible.

**B'ELANNA:** No kidding. You should have seen what happened when she got it back on our Maquis ship -- I don't even wanna _think_ about _that_ mess...

_Cut to docking ring as IMPERIALS blast their way in. DARTH VADER follows._

**DARTH VADER:** Off to find the Rebels! Everyone hurry!

**TK-421** _(gushily)_ **:** Even me? Wow, thank you, Lord Vader!

_Cut to a random hallway as JACK, LAUREN, and PATRICK come out of a turbolift and head down the hall._

**JACK:** Hey, Lauren, where do you suppose the doctor is?

**PATRICK:** It seems awful dark--

**VOICE:** Wesley is scared.

**LAUREN:** They've had a power-out.

**JACK:** Can we go stop in that bar?

**PATRICK:** I still think Ferenginar would be fun.

**JACK:** But we need to find the doctor.

**LAUREN:** Exactly. We can't go to Ferenginar. Let's find the infirmary and ask why they don't have any power today.

**JACK:** Hey, do you hear something? I heard something. Over there. I heard voices. Let's check it out.

**PATRICK:** It could be dangerous!

**LAUREN:** Oh, don't be such a baby.

_JACK strides over to a door and opens it. Immediately, VEDEK VOTEFERME 1 pops through._

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 1:** Greetings, my children! Welcome to our debate! Did you know the Prophets have chosen _me_ to--

**JACK:** Aaacckk!

_He pushes VEDEK VOTEFERME 1 back into the room and slams the door._

**JACK:** That was close.

_They continue down the hall._

**VEDEK VOTEFERME 3** _(muffled, from inside the room)_ **:** I am, like, far out holy!

_Cut to secret passages._

**TOM:** Help! Help! Save me! It's Captain Janeway, she's really really mad, she's going to kill me!

**SEVEN:** Unfortunately, this has actually happened in the past.

**WESLEY:** If I were his captain, I'd give him thirty years solitary confinement.

**HARRY:** Shut up, Wesley. Tom...

**JOHN:** Am I ever that bad?

**AERYN** _(stalling)_ **:** Well... um... you don't usually hallucinate quite such... odd things.

**HARRY:** Stupid things, you can say it.

**JOHN:** That didn't answer my question!

**AERYN:** Er...

**JOHN:** You mean I _am_?

**AERYN:** I didn't say that!

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**ANAKIN:** Say, maybe that dumb bug bit him.

**HARRY:** What dumb bug?

**ANAKIN:** You don't know? I guess you wouldn't.

_He pulls out a_ Wanted! Dead or Alive! _poster and shows it to HARRY._

**HARRY:** I... see.

_Cut to SELAR and SOLETA trying to get loose in the closet and arguing._

**SOLETA:** ...well, I'm not the one who ran around with Burgoyne! __

Cut to Quark's as the EWOKS carry the somewhat battered THREEPIO in. (SI CWAN has finally gotten loose.)

**LANDO:** Oh, no.

**THREEPIO:** General Calrissian, what are you doing here? Where's Master Luke? Where's Princess Leia? Where's Captain Solo?

**LEETA:** This is getting ridiculous.

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** I'll say.

**JOTHEE** _(mumbling)_ **:** Maybe I should have left after all.

**SI CWAN** _(he's being ignored)_ **:** Arrrgh!

**RIKER:** Nice robot.

**DAMAR:** Glug glug glug.

**M'PELLA:** He sounds like Morn.

_Cut to a turbolift as the SUPERBALL bounces in and bangs the control panel. The doors slide shut._

Cut to a couple JEM'HADAR wandering around in the darkened hall. One of them steps in a big sloppy puddle of gold goop.

**JEM'HADAR:** Wha-- Oh oh.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** _What_ did he say?

**WEYOUN:** He said he... uh... that he found one of the other Founders, Founder. Um...

**KIRA** _(gleefully)_ **:** He said he stepped in it!

**WEYOUN:** Shut _up_!

**CHOMPER:** Where _is_ Toothy?

_Cut to RIKER 2 in the docking ring. He pauses, frowning, then draws into shadow as DARTH VADER, NEEDA, and a big bunch of STORMTROOPERS pile down the hall._

**DARTH VADER:** Activate the Heroes of the Rebellion Detector!

**TK-422:** It's detecting! It's detecting!

**TK-421:** No it isn't... that's a different button.

**DARTH VADER:** It's detecting Jacen's pets. The Heroes of the Rebellion are off _that_ way.

**NEEDA:** What's _that_ light mean?

**DARTH VADER:** That just means some _other_ heroes are around here.

_They move on down the hall._

**RIKER 2:** This is absurd. Where _is_ my ride?

_Cut to room off lower corridors. B'ELANNA and JADZIA are working the terminals._

**WILDMAN:** They still haven't managed to repair the power grid.

**JADZIA:** Right... um...

**B'ELANNA:** Wait! Take a look here... no... they're gone.

**JADZIA:** Who?

**B'ELANNA:** I'm not sure. A couple of people in the dark--

**VOICE:** Wesley is scared.

**B'ELANNA:** Arrgh -- one of them was Ro Laren, I think maybe one of the others was your doctor.

**JADZIA:** Where? Ah, I see... we need to find them.

**NOG:** Do you hear that?

**OTHERS:** What?

**NOG:** I thought I heard phaser fire.

**JADZIA:** Coming closer?

**NOG:** I don't know! Maybe.

**B'ELANNA:** I don't hear anything.

**NOG:** I have better hearing.

**B'ELANNA:** Right, but--

_Blaster shots sound, not too far away._

**B'ELANNA:** _That_ I heard.

_Swing out into the hall as a bunch of STORMTROOPERS run past, shooting at nothing in particular. NEEDA runs after, waving his arms._

**NEEDA:** Stop! Stop! Wait for me! Come back!

_They disappear down to hall. Cut back to room._

**JADZIA:** Good grief!

_Cut to Quark's, where the EWOKS are making a throne for THREEPIO on one of the dabo wheels._

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear. What shall I do now? ****

LEETA: This is so, so weird.

**LANDO:** I'm not arguing.

**DAMAR:** Glug glug glug.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 19 (about 1900 words) concerning Noncorporeal Entities, Possession, Mumu the Horta, Further Mental Deterioration, and the Less Likely Perils of Being a Dominion Spy

**19**  


  
_Open on exterior space, Starbase Admirals R Us, with_ Voyager _docked._

**DOCTOR** _(voice-over)_ **:** Good news. I just called the starbase, and I got the captains out on a medical excuse.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay._

**GEORDI:** Thank goodness!

**EZRI:** I was getting worried.

**CHAKOTAY:** Are they coming here, then?

**DOCTOR:** Yes. I've ordered an emergency caffeine injection prepared... ah, Kes?

_Camera swivels to show KES, who is dissolving the DOCTOR's desk._

**KES** _(brightly)_ **:** I _love_ the subatomic!

_Cut to dark habitat ring with DATA and KASIDY. A pager begins sounding._

**DATA:** I don't believe that's mine.

**KASIDY:** No, it's mine, hang on... arrgghh, I can't read this in this light. Could you--?

**DATA:** Certainly. It says 'Warning: Meddling noncorporeal mother-in-law.'

**KASIDY:** Oh, no, this is all I need.

_Cut to lower corridors as SNOOKUMS crawls out of a pile of rubble, then stiffens._

**VOICE:** Hmm. This should be interesting.

_A red mist, KOSST AMOJIN, drifts towards the corridor ghoul and flies in its ears._

**VOICE:** How can its eyes glow red when it has no eyes?

_Cut to other lower corridors with JACEN and JAINA._

**JACEN:** Oh, no!

**JAINA:** What?

**JACEN:** Something terrible has happened to Snookums!

**JAINA:** Jacen--

**JACEN:** I'm not kidding!

_Cut to somewhere in the lower core, where JENAVIAN, SELA, SLOAN, and KOVAL are putting their heads together._

**SLOAN:** All right, I'll take the Mega-Quadruple Super-Effective New! Improved! Romulan Memory Scanners.

**KOVAL:** You always were fond of those.

**SELA:** Out for revenge, are you?

**SLOAN:** _Oh_ , yes.

**JENAVIAN:** Wow, those look a lot more portable than an Aurora Chair... of course, they don't have a convenient attached viewscreen. __

Cut to the Promenade as the stampede of STORMTROOPERS arrives. They charge right past Quark's without stopping.

**LANDO:** What the...

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear!

_Cut to SCORPIUS sweeping menacingly down a hallway._

**SCORPIUS:** Unfortunately I can't just scan for human lifesigns... __

Cut to Ops office, still half-lit, as JEM'HADAR carry in the bucket of DOMINION SPY. WEYOUN looks horrified, the FEMALE FOUNDER is upset, and KIRA (still at the desk) is snickering. DUKAT seems to be completely oblivious.

**WEYOUN** _(to KIRA)_ **:** Shut up!

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** How did this happen? Well?!

**BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Three sheets, nine moons, hoist three sheets to the wind... I love to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas...

**KIRA** _(helpfully)_ **:** I think it's drunk.

**WEYOUN:** I said shut up! Dukat, make her shut up!

**DUKAT:** Huh?

**WEYOUN:** Dukat, are you listening to me?

_Cut to dark docking ring with a really annoyed DARTH VADER. He's speaking into a comlink._

**DARTH VADER:** Captain Needa! TK-421! Someone had better answer me!

_He storms a few steps more._

**DARTH VADER:** Pick up the comlink right now!

_Cut to exterior space as a space barge approaches DS9._

**JABBA** _(voice-over, in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Find me Solo! I want to hang him on the wall again!

_Cut to random hallway; BASHIR, RO, CRUSHER, CHIANA, and ROBIN are walking along._

**RO:** All right, the secret passages are out. We could go back to that bar--

**ROBIN:** And get Si Cwan?!

**RO:** No, on second thought not the bar.

**CRUSHER:** What about the lower passages?

**BASHIR:** I know Jadzia is still here -- she'd have an idea of what--

**RO:** We need to find a hiding place, if only because of those weirdoes in white armor.

**CHIANA:** Any abandoned houses, sections?

**CRUSHER:** We could go--

**PATRICK:** Boo!

_He leaps out of a side passage waving his arms._

**ROBIN:** Eeeeek! ****

CHIANA: What the-- ****

BASHIR _(groaning)_ **:** Oh, no, what are _you_ doing here?

**PATRICK:** Boo! Boo! Boo!

**RO:** He _said_ \--

**PATRICK:** Boo! I'm creating a diversion. Boo!

**RO:** A diversion for wha--

**BASHIR:** Mmmf!

_JACK has just stepped out of a different side passage and grabbed him, with a hand over his mouth._

**JACK:** We're kidnapping him!

**ROBIN:** Dr. Crusher! What do I do?!

**RO:** _I_ suggest you _shut up_.

**CRUSHER:** Who _are_ these people?

**BASHIR:** Mmmfr metmfrmry mmhmmsed mmfle.

**CHIANA:** And that means...

**PATRICK:** We're mutants!

**LAUREN** _(following)_ **:** _Genetically enhanced_ mutants... can't you tell?

**CRUSHER** _(horrified)_ **:** Oh my God!

**RO** _(disgusted)_ **:** Oh, Prophets.

**CHIANA:** Huh? I don't get it.

**PATRICK:** Boo!

**LAUREN:** You can stop now.

_Cut to lower corridors as SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN makes its way slowly along, snarling. Somehow it looks sinister instead of silly._

Cut to secret passages. SEVEN and HARRY are guiding TOM; AERYN has a firm hand on the arm of the increasingly jittery JOHN; ANAKIN has the flashlight.

**HARRY:** At least he seems to have calmed down now.

**AERYN:** Lucky you.

**JOHN** _(muttering)_ **:** No, no, no! Go away! Out! This is _so_ not fair. Happening _again_ \--

**WESLEY:** Mr. Paris is not a--

**SEVEN:** Be _quiet_!

**ANAKIN:** Uh oh.

**HARRY:** _Now_ what?

**ANAKIN:** I think one of my brother's corridor ghouls is going to do something bad. I have a bad feeling.

**HARRY:** Marvelous. Just warn us if it's anywhere near.

_Cut to half-lit Ops office._

**BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Mumu is a Horta from my imagination, when he comes to play he's a Horta sensation...

**KIRA:** Oh, no, not _that_ song.

**WEYOUN:** This is horrible.

**KIRA:** I agree -- it can't even sing to begin with.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Someone do something about this!

_Cut to room off lower corridors, still darkened._

**B'ELANNA:** The power grid is still a mess, but I'm splicing communications in through ventilation.

**JAKE:** Through _what_?

**JADZIA** _(wearily)_ **:** Just so we get it straightened out later.

**KEIKO:** Miles won't like this.

**B'ELANNA** _(defensively)_ **:** Hey, I'm doing the best I can!

_Cut to docking ring with RIKER 2._

**RIKER 2:** All right. This is enough. This is more than enough. If I have to walk around looking like that _idiot_ for five more minutes I'll go crazy.

_RIKER 2 looks around, then steps into an airlock._

Cut to other part of docking ring as the space barge arrives. It docks. BIB FORTUNA hauls out JABBA's dais; also present are OOLA, GAMORREAN GUARDS, etc.

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** All right! The Imperials are here; Solo must be here somewhere! Get looking!

_The GAMORREANS spread out._

Cut to Voyager _sickbay. The captains, unconscious, are on bio-beds. The DOCTOR is scanning them. CHAKOTAY, TUVOK, EZRI, TROI, WORF, O'BRIEN, GEORDI, HAN, LUKE, MARA, ZHAAN, D'ARGO, and SHELBY are hanging around. LUKE is a little fidgety._

**HAN:** What about Leia?

**LUKE:** I'm sure she's fine, Han.

**MARA:** Is something the matter?

**LUKE:** Never mind.

**VOICE:** You have a bad feeling, isn't that right, Luke? Hmm? Why don't you tell the nice people all about your bad feeling?

**LUKE:** Go away.

**EZRI:** This is ridiculous. Can you wake them up?

**ZHAAN:** I'm doing everything I can think of...

**DOCTOR:** So am I.

**TROI:** I think Captain Picard is coming around.

_Zoom in on PICARD._

**PICARD** _(mumbling)_ **:** In times of distress, the Federation...

**SHELBY:** That sounds like...

**CHAKOTAY:** Oh, no! Sedate him!

**O'BRIEN:** Quick! It's the 'in distress' speech!

_The DOCTOR sedates PICARD._

**GEORDI:** That was close.

_Cut to darkened docking ring as the airlock door opens. RIKER 2 has turned into VALERIE._

**VALERIE:** _Much_ much better.

_Cut to random corridor, lit only by a handlight. JACK is busy tying BASHIR's hands with what appears to be a skipping rope. LAUREN, with the light, is keeping watch; PATRICK is hanging around._

**LAUREN:** Are you almost done?

**JACK:** Be patient!

**BASHIR:** You know--

**LAUREN:** _You're_ never patient, don't tell _me_ to be patient.

**PATRICK:** What do we do now?

**BASHIR:** You guys, if--

**JACK:** Be quiet! Do you think I'm stupid, hmm, hmm, hmm? Do you?

**BASHIR** _(patiently)_ **:** No, Jack, but--

**JACK:** Then stop acting like it! And be quiet.

_Cut to other random corridor with CRUSHER, RO, CHIANA, and ROBIN._

**CRUSHER:** I can't believe this.

**CHIANA:** What, that he's been kidnapped? _I_ wasn't surprised at all.

**RO:** Didn't you see the sign?

**CRUSHER:** Sign?

**RO:** Yeah, the big flashing one above his head that says, _Kidnap me_.

**CRUSHER:** Oh, that. Yes, I saw that. I just can't believe that he's been kidnapped by... _genetically altered_ people.

_She shudders delicately. CHIANA looks confused._

**RO:** I think he _is_ genetically altered. Didn't you know? I mean, Starfleet knows. Maybe they just didn't inform the _Enterprise_.

_CRUSHER stares at her._

**ROBIN:** Awful!

_The others stare at her._

**CHIANA:** Why are we even bringing her along with us...

_Her voice trails off to nothing as she stares at something behind the others._

**CHIANA** _(very small voice)_ **:** Oh _bleep_.

_The others spin around to see SCORPIUS, who cackles. CHIANA bolts._

**SCORPIUS:** Get back here!

_He runs after her. They disappear down the hall._

**CRUSHER:** Does anyone know who -- what -- that was?

**RO:** Probably an _Excalibur_ crewman. __

Cut to Quark's Place, as the CARDASSIAN TECH discreetly heads up towards the holosuites with his raktajino.

**THREEPIO:** Somebody, do something! We're all going to die!

**RIKER:** Will you _shut up_?

**THREEPIO:** No I will not shut up, why won't anyone listen to me?

**LANDO:** Because you always say exactly the same things?

**THREEPIO:** I resent that!

**LEETA:** There it is again!

**JOR** _(offscreen, to the tune of 'My Heart Will Go On')_ **:** La la la la _la_ la, la _la_ la, la laaaaa la... La la la la _la_ la, la _laaaaa_...

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Scary.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I'm starving.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** You're always starving.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Why can't we eat that guy?

_He indicates SI CWAN._

**M'PELLA:** Go ahead, I wouldn't miss him!

**JOTHEE:** Can you understand them?

**M'PELLA:** It's pretty obvious, isn't it?

**SI CWAN:** You stay back, you low-class little rodents!

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Oh, I get it. He might be contagious.

_Cut to Ops office, still darkened._

**DUKAT:** So, you see the power failure was completely the fault of the-- _(suddenly changes manner completely)_ It's here!

_Startled, but brief, silence._

**WEYOUN:** _What's_ here?

**BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Let's go to the Hop, oh-bay-bee, let's go to the Hop! Let's go to the Hop, oh-bay-bee--

**KIRA:** This is getting better and better. Does anyone have a recorder?

**WEYOUN:** Shut up!

**FEMALE FOUNDER** _(dubiously)_ **:** Maybe I should link with him...

**KIRA:** The results should be interesting, anyway.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't.

**DUKAT:** It's here!

**WEYOUN:** _What's_ here, Dukat?

**KIRA:** He's hallucinating. He _thinks_ his mind is here. He lost it years ago.

_Cut to a semidark turbolift with the SUPERBALL._

**VOICE:** _In_ teresting.

_A mouth forms on the SUPERBALL._

**SUPERBALL:** Oh, shut up!

**VOICE:** Shut up yourself.

_Cut to darkened secret passages. TOM seems to have partially recovered._

**TOM:** What happened?

**ANAKIN:** You went bonkers.

**TOM:** What do you mean?

**HARRY:** You were acting, um, a little on the weird side.

**SEVEN:** You appeared to be experiencing severe hallucinations.

**WESLEY:** Not _proper_ at all.

**TOM:** Yeah, yeah, Wesley, I know. Um... what's with him?

**AERYN** _(sardonically)_ **:** Severe hallucinations.

**JOHN:** Get out -- out of my head--

_Cut to darkened habitat ring._

**KASIDY:** ...so then it turned out not only was the person he thought was his mother not his mother, his real mother was the host of a Prophet. It's a long story...

**DATA:** Well, for now I think I ought to go to Ops.

**KASIDY:** Are you sure that's a good idea? Anything might happen.

**DATA:** I'll work something out.

_Cut to room off lower corridors._

**B'ELANNA:** All right, I found a cache of weapons.

**JADZIA:** Good, the one in Garak's tailor shop. I assume you can get us in, Garak?

_Camera swivels to GARAK, who's leaning on the wall sewing a frilly pink straitjacket._

**JADZIA:** Never mind. We'd... better get going.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 20 (about 1800 words) concerning Generic Passenger Liners, Borg, the Worst Admiral Anywhere, and (da-da-da-dum) Relatives

**20**  


  
_Open on SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN prowling around the lower corridors._

**VOICE:** This _really_ ought to be beneath its dignity.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay as LUKE suddenly grimaces as if in pain._

**HAN:** Luke, are you all right?

**EZRI:** What's wrong with him?

**LUKE:** It's... _bleep_... something on the station. Something _very_ bad.

**HAN:** Other than Jacen's pets?

**LUKE:** _Yes_ , other than Jacen's pets. I mean something dark-side, Han.

**HAN:** Oh.

**CHAKOTAY:** Could you be more specific? Dark side what?

**GEORDI:** The moon? No, never mind.

**ZHAAN:** I can feel it, too. Something evil... ****

EZRI: Oh-oh.

**O'BRIEN:** What? _(pause)_ No, you don't think...

_They pull out their Senior Staff Emergency Alert pagers, only to find them blinking NOT IN SERVICE._

**O'BRIEN:** What?! These things are supposed to work all the way in the Gamma Quadrant!

**EZRI:** I bet it's not the distance, it's the concentration of admirals.

**O'BRIEN:** Hmm, good point.

_Cut to closet as SOLETA manages to get loose._

**SOLETA:** All right, now we--

_She tries to open the door. It's stuck._

**SOLETA:** Oh, _now_ what? __

Cut to just outside the closet. The reason the door won't open? KEBRON's leaning on it.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish. __

Cut to docking ring with JABBA.

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** I want to go home.

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** What's taking them all so long?

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Maybe they ran into trouble with the Wookiee?

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Arrgh. Wait, what's that?

_Cut to exterior space, outside docking ring, as yet another ship pulls up. It's a commercial transport, a passenger ship._

**FLIGHT ATTENDANT** _(voice-over)_ **:** We're almost docked at space station Deep Space Nine. The captain thanks all of you for this pleasant voyage. Thank you for choosing Generic Starships for all your travel needs. Please wait until the ship has come to a complete stop before leaving your seats. You may collect your luggage before exiting through the airlock.

**VOICE:** Now the real trouble begins.

_Cut to other part of docking ring with VALERIE._

**VALERIE:** Hmmph! Another day before they can come get me, indeed!

_Cut to lower corridors, darkened, as JADZIA, holding a phaser, slips out of the room._

**JADZIA** _(whispering)_ **:** Looks clear.

_She's followed by B'ELANNA, JAKE, KEIKO, GARAK, WILDMAN, NOG, and DELL. Most of them have lights._

**GARAK:** We're going to have to be very careful here.

**JADZIA:** That's right. Didn't we agree that we were leaving some people here to generally organize?

**B'ELANNA:** I seem to recall that.

**WILDMAN:** Right, right, right. Who else is with me?

**JADZIA:** Keiko, you stay. Jake, Nog... you'd better come.

**B'ELANNA:** I don't know _where_ Dell should be. Maybe locked up.

**WILDMAN:** Anywhere but here.

**GARAK:** Are we going?

**JADZIA:** We've left already. Come on.

_Cut to secret passages, still dark, lit by super-bright high-power flashlight._

**JOHN:** Get _out_ of my head! Out! La la la la la, I'm not _lis_ tening!

_He keeps up a steady mutter in the background as AERYN tries to calm him down and the others talk._ ****

ANAKIN: I _really_ have a bad feeling.

**HARRY:** Thanks for telling us.

**TOM** _(panicked)_ **:** What's that?

**HARRY:** Wesley.

**TOM:** Oh. Sorry.

**WESLEY:** I'm insulted.

**ANAKIN:** Shut up.

_The flashlight crosses SEVEN, who's suddenly stopped._

**SEVEN:** Ensign Kim. L-- E-- M-- L-- Ahem. Lieutenant Paris. I believe we have a problem.

**AERYN:** Another one?

**HARRY:** Now what?

**SEVEN:** My proximity transceiver has activated.

**TOM:** Aw, _bleep_.

**HARRY:** Are you sure?

**SEVEN:** Yes, I'm sure! It's _my_ proximity transceiver!

**WESLEY:** What's that mean?

**ANAKIN** _(it's all routine to him)_ **:** Oh, just that we're near another one of those Borg things, that's all.

**WESLEY:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay. The group has assembled._

**TUVOK:** Commander, an additional admiral is demanding admittance.

**CHAKOTAY:** I guess we'd better let him or her in. Which one? _(under his breath)_ _Please_ , not Admiral Necheyev.

**O'BRIEN:** I second that plea.

**SHELBY:** Please, not Admiral _Jellico_.

**TROI:** I second that one!

**TUVOK:** Admiral Boren.

**EZRI:** We're doomed.

**GEORDI:** What? You know him?

**EZRI:** Only by reputation. Admiral Riley Boren. Curzon was scared of him.

**DOCTOR:** That doesn't sound very good.

**HAN:** _That's_ an understatement.

**LUKE:** I'm gonna be sick.

**TROI:** I'm sensing the most outrageous boredom...

_Cut to docking ring. VALERIE is peering curiously down the hall at an airlock._

**VALERIE:** Now, who could that be?

**VOICE:** You'll never guess.

**VALERIE** _(exasperated)_ **:** Go away, whatever you are.

**VOICE:** Oh, be nice.

_The airlock cycles open and YANAS Tigan comes through, followed by NORVO and JANEL._

**JANEL:** This is ridiculous. Did you see all the ships around here?

**NORVO:** They're going to kill me.

**JANEL:** _Who's_ going to kill you?

**NORVO:** I don't know, but somebody is. For certain.

**YANAS:** Be quiet, boys.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit. The console still has a smiley face. A Vorta SCIENTIST is examining the bucket. DUKAT's eyes have glazed over; all others except KIRA and CHOMPER are preoccupied with the BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY._

**BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** _No_ body knows the troubles I've seen... _no_ body knows my sorrows...

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** There must be something you can do!!!

**SCIENTIST:** Er, I'm sorry, Founder, but I'm not even sure what the problem is.

**WEYOUN:** You're useless!

**DUKAT** _(staring straight ahead)_ **:** I must go...

_He heads for the door, trips over CHOMPER, and falls into the Vorta SCIENTIST._

**SCIENTIST:** Excuse me!

**WEYOUN:** Really, Dukat, that's very rude of you.

**KIRA:** You don't know the half of it.

**BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I am calling to you... I hope you'll be true...

**SCIENTIST:** Er, um, goodbye.

_As he leaves, TOOTHY reenters._

**TOOTHY** _(to CHOMPER)_ **:** The kiosk was closed! You'll never _believe_ what I saw on the way back up.

_On cue, the GIANT SUPERBALL bounces out of the lift into Ops._

**KIRA:** Oh, Prophets.

_Cut to the docking ring as XYON and KALINDA leave the Generic Starship. They're wearing swimsuits; KALINDA is carrying a beach bag; XYON has a beach umbrella._

**XYON:** Wait a minute! This isn't Risa!

**KALINDA:** We've been cheated! I _told_ you not to buy those tickets from the Ferengi-- __

Cut to exterior space outside the Enterprise _-E as an Imperial shuttle approaches._

**GENERIC IMPERIAL** _(voice-over)_ **:** Oh, wow, it's a ship! I'd better bring it back for Lord Vader to see.

_Cut to the interior of a_ very _small Borg parallelepiped. Camera on various Borg stuff, then swing around to show the pilot, CROSIS, and the person in charge, LORE._

**BORG QUEEN** _(voice-over)_ **:** This is an outrage! Let me go this instant!

_Swing further -- she's tied up in an alcove. So is HUGH, who's watching her nervously._

**LORE:** Oh, shut up.

_Cut to_ Voyager _mess hall._

**MEZOTI:** Azan and Rebi say something really bad has happened.

**MOLLY:** Who?

**NAOMI:** They're other Borg kids. What happened, Mezoti?

**MEZOTI:** Some more admirals have arrived. They have almost all the adults trapped in sickbay!

**NASHIRA:** That's not good.

**MOLLY:** It's also not unusual, but not good.

**TAHIRI:** It's worse than that. We could be stuck here forever!

**NAOMI** _(to MEZOTI)_ **:** Could you tell Icheb, Azan, and Rebi to come here quick? We need them.

**MEZOTI:** Of course.

**MOLLY:** What about the people on the station?

**TAHIRI:** That's the problem.

**NAOMI:** Actually, I have a plan.

**VOICE:** Uh-oh.

**KIRAYOSHI:** What?

**NAOMI:** Well, I _mostly_ know how to fly a shuttle. And I'm _sure_ Icheb, Mezoti, Azan, and Rebi can figure it out. We just need to wait for the other three to get here.

_Cut to docking ring as VALERIE looks down the hall after XYON and KALINDA, who are necking._

**VALERIE:** Weird. Who _are_ these people? Are there _more_ of them?

**VOICE:** Oh, yes.

_Cut to secret passages, darkened._

**AERYN** _(offering reassurances that she doesn't really believe)_ **:** Really, John, what would Scorpius be doing here?

**JOHN:** Looking for me?

**AERYN:** Well...

**JOHN:** _Bleep_ , I don't know. I don't even know where I picked up this chip. But I'm _sure_ Scorpius is here.

**ANAKIN:** So where'd Wesley go?

**TOM:** He took off down the hallway... he could be almost anywhere by now.

**SEVEN:** To use a human expression... good riddance.

_Cut to a turbolift with SLOAN carrying a suitcase labeled_ Mega-Quadruple Super-Effective New! Improved! Romulan Memory Scanners _._

**SLOAN:** Ooohh, I'm going to get him. I am going to _get_ him.

_Turbolift door opens and DATA (in glasses-nose-and-mustache) and KASIDY step in._

**DATA:** Excuse us. _(to computer)_ Core, please.

_SLOAN looks somewhat confused._

Cut to a very long ladder somewhere in the core. JADZIA is climbing up. Move slowly down to, in this order: GARAK, NOG, DELL, JAKE, and B'ELANNA.

**B'ELANNA:** I hope you know where you're going.

**JADZIA:** Trust me.

**JAKE:** Ouch!

_He lets go of the ladder with one hand and nearly falls; B'ELANNA steadies him._

**B'ELANNA:** Be careful!

**JAKE** _(indicating DELL)_ **:** He stepped on my fingers.

**DELL:** They were in the way.

**B'ELANNA:** You know, it's a real shame there's no rank below crewman.

_Cut to random room (dark) with BASHIR, JACK, LAUREN, and PATRICK. JACK and LAUREN are arguing over a padd._

**LAUREN:** You aren't making any sense. _Obviously_ , the Alpha Quadrant is going to be conquered... but by the _Ktarians_.

**JACK:** Hmm, hmm, hmm? What makes you say that?

**LAUREN:** For one thing, they're a _lot_ cuter than Jem'Hadar.

**BASHIR:** I'm gonna scream.

**PATRICK:** Why is it so dark?

**WESLEY:** _I'm scared!_

_WESLEY comes barreling through a door and runs right into PATRICK._

**WESLEY:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! I'm scared! Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**BASHIR:** Oh, _no_.

_WESLEY sees him and immediately latches onto him._

**WESLEY:** Lieutenant, Lieutenant, help, save me!

**BASHIR:** Er, um, I...

**WESLEY:** No, wait! _(lets go and backs up)_ You're from the _station_!

**BASHIR:** Yes, I know.

**WESLEY:** But you're better than the other people! _(latches on again)_ Help! Help! Save me!

**BASHIR:** _What_ other people--? Could you loosen up? I'm having trouble breathing.

**PATRICK:** Um, who is this person?

**JACK:** Yeah, who is it, hmm, hmm, hmm? Who?

**BASHIR** _(strangled)_ **:** Get him off me! I can't breathe!

_Cut to exterior space as the little Borg parallelepiped docks._

Cut to interior of Borg parallelepiped.

**LORE** _(banging on a control panel)_ **:** No! No! I said, _don't_ assimilate it!

**BORG QUEEN:** Hah! Hah! You'll never win! Assimilate, my lovely--

**LORE:** That's better.

**BORG QUEEN:** Aw, phooey.

**HUGH:** I have a headache.

**BORG QUEEN:** Well, stop right now. That's much too human.

**HUGH:** Shut up, nobody wants to listen to _you_.

**BORG QUEEN:** Well, hmmph!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 21 (about 1900 words) concerning Clever Plans, Catatonia, More Relatives, and Unsupervised Children

** 21 **   


  
_Open on a hallway in_ Voyager _. As the camera watches, a door opens and NAOMI comes out._

**NAOMI** _(whispering)_ **:** There's nobody here. Come on!

_TAHIRI, MOLLY, ICHEB, MEZOTI, KIRAYOSHI, NOMI, AZAN &REBI, WAN-WAN, and NASHIRA follow her._

**MOLLY** _(whispering)_ **:** Which way to your shuttle bay?

**ICHEB:** This way.

**AZAN &REBI:** Follow us!

**NAOMI:** We'd better hurry -- come on!

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit, as the SUPERBALL bounces through Ops._

**WEYOUN:** Er, um... Hellooooo?

_The SUPERBALL bounces through the window, breaking it, into the office. It dumps the BUCKET OF DOMINION SPY on CHOMPER and WEYOUN in passing before landing on the desk in front of KIRA._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** We're not grave robbers -- we're odd jobbers, who sometimes dabble in the reclamation biz...

_ODO's head comes out of the SUPERBALL._

**ODO** _(to KIRA)_ **:** Are you all right?!

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay. The captains are unconscious. EZRI, O'BRIEN, WORF, GEORDI, TROI, HAN, LUKE, CHAKOTAY, the DOCTOR, NEELIX, KES (dissolving a bulkhead), TUVOK, MARA, CHEWIE, QUARK, SHELBY, BURGOYNE, MCHENRY, ZHAAN, RYGEL, D'ARGO, and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI are slumped around on bio-beds, etc., as ADMIRAL BOREN gives speeches._

**VOICE:** Now, the voice of Admiral Boren has been proven to induce comatose states in humanoid life, so I'm shielding you from it.

_ZHAAN's comm is beeping._

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Zhaan, we have a problem... Zhaan? __

Cut to docking ring as JOSEPH SISKO comes out of the airlock.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** I haven't had a more aggravating trip in my _entire life_!

_He's followed by RICHARD and AMSHA Bashir._

**RICHARD:** I know what you mean! I thought that Klingon would _never_ shut up!

**AMSHA:** Shh, she might hear you.

_The three wander off, heading in two different directions. Lady SIRELLA comes out of the airlock._

**SIRELLA:** The nerve!

_Cut to SELA, KOVAL, and JENAVIAN._

**SELA:** ...and there, sitting around the table, is the _Enterprise_ senior staff!

_They laugh uproariously._

**JENAVIAN:** Okay, okay, I've got one. So a Hynerian, a Nebari, and the Scarran Emperor walk into a bar... __

Cut to lower corridors with SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN, prowling around.

**VOICE:** We just keep doing this to remind you that it's here.

_Cut to other part of lower corridors with JACEN and JAINA._

**JACEN:** Jaina... about Snookums...

**JAINA:** What about Snookums?

**JACEN:** I think he's been possessed.

_Cut to yet another part of the lower corridors as KEBRON continues leaning on the door._

**SOLETA** _(muffled, from closet)_ **:** Kebron, do you hear me? Move!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish. __

Cut to still other random corridor as CHIANA races by.

**CHIANA:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_The camera waits for a moment, but SCORPIUS does not appear. He seems to have given up the chase._

Cut to docking ring as LORE and CROSIS come out of an airlock.

**LORE:** Now we find my brother.

_They walk off screen. After a moment, HUGH comes out of the airlock._

**HUGH:** Keep away from me! I said, stay back! I'm not Locutus!

_The BORG QUEEN comes out._

**BORG QUEEN:** Locutus... Locutus, baby...

_HUGH runs away._

Cut to secret passages, dark. From somewhere, ANAKIN has produced a buzz saw and is cutting through the wall with it.

**HARRY:** I really wish you'd let Seven do that.

_HARRY has the flashlight._

**ANAKIN:** It's _my_ buzz saw. So there.

_Cut to random hallway as a panel falls off the wall. JADZIA climbs out of the hole._

**JADZIA:** All right, come on.

**JAKE:** We're coming, we're coming.

_GARAK, NOG, DELL, JAKE, and B'ELANNA climb out of the hole._

**B'ELANNA:** Now what?

**JAKE:** What's _that_?

_'That' is a GAMORREAN. It makes random pig noises._

**NOG:** Maybe we should leave.

_Cut to turbolift with DATA, KASIDY, and SLOAN, who is trying to hide the label on his suitcase._

**KASIDY:** Is it my imagination or is this turbolift going in circles?

**DATA:** The probability--

_The turbolift doors open. YANAS, JANEL, and NORVO come in._

**YANAS:** Excuse me. _(to computer)_ Core, please.

_Cut to_ Voyager _docking bay as NAOMI, MOLLY, KIRAYOSHI, ICHEB, AZAN, REBI, MEZOTI, NASHIRA, NOMI, TAHIRI, and WAN-WAN sneak in._

**NAOMI:** All right, the _Delta Flyer_ 's over that way.

**MOLLY:** It looks weird. Do we have to take it?

**NAOMI:** Yeah, it's the only one that won't get blown up.

**TAHIRI:** Are you sure you know how to pilot, Icheb?

**ICHEB:** Yes. I was Borg.

**MOLLY:** Good thing I'm not an _Enterprise_ kid anymore.

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a--

**ALL:** Shut up!

**NASHIRA:** Really, Wan-Wan. We're _trying_ to go on a secret mission, you know.

**WAN-WAN:** Sorry.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**WEYOUN** _(muffled, delighted)_ **:** Odo!

**KIRA:** Help.

**TOOTHY:** I told you it was weird!

**CHOMPER** _(muffled)_ **:** Somebody get this mess off me!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I got the blues, baby... I got the blues...

**KIRA** _(to ODO)_ **:** I'm glad to see you're all right, of course, but do you realize how... _strange_ you look?

**ODO:** Sorry.

_He shifts back to normal, sitting on the desk._

**KIRA:** _Thank_ you.

_DUKAT has picked himself up off the floor and heads for the door again, but slips in the spilled DOMINION SPY._

**DUKAT** _(from the floor)_ **:** I must go...

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Where?

_He seems to wake up._

**DUKAT:** Oh... um... er...

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me, for I've come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee!

_Cut to room off lower corridors._

**KEIKO:** It's giving me the creeps, thinking about a Pah-wraith on the station.

**WILDMAN** _(still not really sure what she's talking about)_ **:** Oh.

**KEIKO:** Yes. I'm also worried about the kids -- I have no idea where they are.

**WILDMAN:** I know how you feel on _that_ one. Wait -- I'm picking up something a little strange here.

_She leans towards the monitor._

**KEIKO:** What?

_Displayed on the screen is JABBA THE HUTT._

**KEIKO:** That's _revolting_.

_The door opens and SOLETA staggers in._

**SOLETA:** Save me!

**WILDMAN:** What?

**SOLETA:** From Dr. Selar! She thinks I'm Burgoyne! _Help_!!

**KEIKO:** Oh, you poor person!

_Cut to random room as JACK pries WESLEY off BASHIR, who's starting to turn blue._

**JACK:** There! You can't strangle him. Is that what you were trying to do, hmm, hmm, hmm? Well, you can't. _We're_ kidnapping him.

**WESLEY:** Uh... who are you?

**BASHIR:** Trust me, you don't want to know.

**JACK:** We're-- Wait! What's that, hmm, hmm, hmm?

**LAUREN:** How can anyone hear with you talking all the time?

_From the hall: Ho-purr, ho-purr, ho-purr, ho-purr..._

**DARTH VADER** _(from hall)_ **:** I am calling all stormtroopers! If you don't answer, you're in big trouble!

**PATRICK and WESLEY** _(in unison)_ **:** I'm scared!

_Cut to RO, CRUSHER, and ROBIN wandering through a hall, lit by handlight._

**CRUSHER:** It is _not_ my fault! This isn't a Starfleet station! If it was, I'd know _exactly_ where we were.

**RO:** Well, you were the one leading the way...

**CRUSHER:** I specifically told you, I wasn't too sure of my bearings! But could you take the lead? Of course not! You're too busy--

**ROBIN:** You mean we're _lost_?!

**RO and CRUSHER** _(in unison)_ **:** No!

_Cut to Quark's. THREEPIO is on his throne, the EWOKS gathered around him, the others at or behind the bar._

**LEETA:** Do you think anyone's ever going to come?

**ROM:** Probably.

**LANDO:** I just wonder if the stormtroopers'll come back.

**JOTHEE:** I wonder how upset my father will be.

**LEETA:** A good bet is _very_.

**M'PELLA:** I wonder if he'll ever shut up.

_She indicates SI CWAN._

**SI CWAN:** I wonder where poor little Kally is.

**RIKER:** _I_ wonder where Skippy went.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Yeah.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Who's Skippy?

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I dunno. Do you think he tastes good?

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** No.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Aw, darn.

**CHIANA:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_She whips around the corner into Quark's and bolts right behind the bar, where she disappears._

**ROM:** Uh...

**JOTHEE:** Chiana...?

**CHIANA:** Ssshhh!

_Cut to Promenade, darkened, as a bunch of STORMTROOPERS pile out of a restroom._

**STORMTROOPER:** Hurry! We have to get back or Lord Vader will kill us!

_Cut to interior_ Delta Flyer _. NAOMI is at the conn, other kids dispersed throughout the shuttle._

**NAOMI:** First, we need to get out of the docking bay... that's thrusters. I think. How do we get the door open?

**MOLLY:** Ask nicely?

**MEZOTI:** I am familiar with the procedure.

**NASHIRA** _(to MOLLY)_ **:** Those kids are creepy.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit. The DOMINION SPY is now in a puddle on the floor._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, diddly-dee-dee, there they are all standing in a row, bum bum bum...

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Ah, Odo, it is good to see you are well...

**ODO** _(ignoring her)_ **:** So, do you know what happened to the power?

**KIRA:** Virus. See the smiley? _Somebody_ decided to open 'Your document' from Starfleet Command.

_Both WEYOUN and the FEMALE FOUNDER turn to look pointedly at DUKAT, who has other concerns._

**DUKAT** _(getting up)_ **:** I must go...

**KIRA:** He's lost it.

**ODO:** He had it?

**KIRA:** Good point.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!

**TOOTHY:** I wonder when the ice-cream kiosk opens.

_Cut to turbolift as the door opens. TK-421, TK-422, and NEEDA come in._

**TK-421:** 'Scuse us, pard' us, coming through, 'scuse us...

**TK-422:** We're soldiers of the Empire! Let us in!

**NEEDA:** How does this thing work? Where's it going?

_A long pause._

**JANEL:** Er, the core.

**NEEDA:** Is Lord Vader there?

**TK-422:** It sounds important. He must be.

**TK-421:** Is the core the important part of the station?

_Another long pause._

**KASIDY:** Um, yes...

**NEEDA:** All right, then we'll go there, too. Lift, I command you to go to the core right now!

_Cut to room off lower corridors; KEIKO, WILDMAN, and SOLETA are looking at the computers. There's a sudden scratching at the door. SOLETA presses a few buttons._

**SOLETA:** It's one of those eyeless things.

**WILDMAN:** Oh, no.

**SOLETA:** It could be worse. It could be Dr. Selar.

**KEIKO:** This station is _crazy_...

_Cut to secret passages, dark, as ANAKIN cuts through the wall._

**ANAKIN:** All right. Here we go.

_Led by SEVEN, they all go through into... another dark secret passage._

**TOM:** Well, _that's_ disappointing.

_Cut to exterior space, a single tiny Imperial shuttle towing the_ Enterprise _-E._

**GENERIC IMPERIAL** _(voice-over)_ **:** Gee, this thing weighs a ton! Good thing we'll be at that donut soon!

_Cut to random hallway as JADZIA, B'ELANNA, and company hurry away from the GAMORREAN, which seems to be following them._

**NOG** _(to GAMORREAN)_ **:** Get lost! Beat it! Shoo!

**JAKE:** I don't think it's listening.

_Cut to exterior space, outside Starbase Admirals R Us, as the_ Delta Flyer _moves away from_ Voyager _._

**MOLLY:** That was easier than I expected.

**NAOMI:** Good thing you knew your senior staff's codes, Molly, or we might never have gotten out.

**ICHEB:** We could have used Borg decryption codes.

**NAOMI:** Seven knows those, Icheb, you don't.

**ICHEB:** I know a few!

**KIRAYOSHI:** _I_ wanna fly now.

**NOMI:** You don't know how. Can I take weapons?

**NASHIRA:** No, you can't! Don't let her, Naomi!

**REBI:** We'll take them.

**TAHIRI:** I think Mara's going to kill me.

**NASHIRA:** My mom will kill me more.

**WAN-WAN:** I love you, you love me, we're a happy family, with a great big hug and a--

**NOMI:** _Quiet_ , Wan-Wan. _Please_.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 22 (about 2000 words) concerning Still More Relatives, Still More Hallucinations, Maps, Evident Temporal Anomalies, and an Increasingly Crowded Turbolift

**22**  


  
_Open on DUKAT finally making it out of the office into half-lit Ops._

**DUKAT:** I must go...

_Cut to docking ring (by passenger ship) as ZIRANNE emerges, wrestling a large present._

**ZIRANNE:** Stupid overhead compartments. I thought I was _never_ going to get this thing out. Honestly, I must be the last passenger off that miserable ship! __

Cut to lower corridors, where JACK THE RIPPER is scratching on a door.

**VOICE:** Hah! I bet you thought it was Snookums, didn't you?

_Cut to docking ring. RICHARD and AMSHA are strolling along; they pass VALERIE._

**RICHARD:** Good day, commander.

**VALERIE** _(too cheerfully)_ **:** Good day.

**RICHARD:** Could you perhaps explain what is going on?

**VALERIE:** Ah, it's a long story. Who are you, exactly?

_Before RICHARD can come up with an answer, HUGH pushes between them._

**HUGH:** Excuse me. Excuse me. I am Hugh. Who are you? Excuse me.

**AMSHA:** It's a Borg!

**VALERIE:** I can see that!

**HUGH:** I recommend that you all depart. _She's_ coming.

**RICHARD:** Who?

**VALERIE:** Why are you asking me?

_KALINDA and XYON approach. AMSHA and RICHARD are somewhat startled by the swimsuits._

**KALINDA** _(to VALERIE)_ **:** Hello, Commander... what's your name?

**VALERIE:** Um, Archer. Commander Valerie Archer.

**KALINDA:** Commander Archer, could you tell me if the Starship _Excalibur_ is here?

**VALERIE:** Ah, I don't believe so.

**XYON:** Thank goodness.

**KALINDA:** I told you you were worrying about nothing.

**XYON:** Well, Commander, could you tell me where to go to lodge a complaint about a ship?

_Cut to RO and CRUSHER trying to consult a map. ROBIN is biting her nails._

**ROBIN:** I'm really worried about Si Cwan!

**RO:** No, I think we're here... see, where the orange line crosses the purple one...

**CRUSHER:** No, _that_ symbol means public restroom.

**RO:** It does not! It means maintenance port, like that one.

_She waves a hand at the wall behind her._

**CRUSHER:** This is a tourist map! Why would they mark maintenance ports on that?

**RO:** I don't know, maybe--

_She breaks off._

**CRUSHER:** What?

**RO:** I hear something. Listen!

_Ho-purr, ho-purr, ho-purr, ho-purr, ho-purr, ho-purr..._

**CRUSHER:** What's _that_?

**RO:** I don't know. Sounds like an out-of-repair space suit.

**ROBIN:** Do something!

_DARTH VADER comes around the corner and whips out his lightsaber._

**DARTH VADER:** All right. I'm capturing you. I can't find any Heroes of the Rebellion, so it'll have to be you instead. You're captured, Come on.

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Okay, with the ever-piercing Jool as a ten, that would merit about... say... oh, a seven-point-five. Not bad.

**RO:** This is _ridiculous_.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay. Everyone except ADMIRAL BOREN is slumped somewhere around the room; WORF is snoring. BOREN is still talking._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** And in Starfleet regulation three hundred fifty-two thousand, five hundred thirteen, subparagraph forty-seven, it clearly states that snoring during admirals' speeches is punishable by a time-out... are you listening, Mister Worf? I didn't think so. Now, as I was saying...

_EZRI twitches feebly and tries to put her hands over her ears. The DOCTOR fritzes._

Cut to Quark's Place, emergency-lit.

**THREEPIO:** I just have this feeling that something terrible has happened to Master Luke.

**LANDO:** He's in better shape than we are, Threepio.

_Cut back to_ Voyager _sickbay._

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Use... the... Force... Luke...

_LUKE is unconscious like all the others._

Cut back to Quark's.

**LANDO:** So stop worrying.

**LEETA:** Who's this Master Luke guy?

**LANDO:** Luke Skywalker. He used to own Threepio... not that Luke pays much attention to that... but Threepio still calls him that.

**ROM:** Gee, that's kind of nice.

**SI CWAN:** Ah! A loyal servant! What a refreshing change!

**LANDO:** Not after Threepio's been following _you_ around for three days.

_RIKER suddenly sits bolt upright._

**RIKER:** My first officer's sense! I think the _Enterprise_ is in trouble!

**THOMAS RIKER:** Hey, _I_ don't feel anything!

**RIKER:** That's cause you're not a first officer. Nyah, nyah.

**M'PELLA:** Oh, be quiet. _(addressing something low down behind the bar)_ So who are you hiding from?

**CHIANA** _(muffled)_ **:** Scorpius.

**M'PELLA** _(wisely)_ **:** Oh.

**JOTHEE:** _Bleep_!

**CHIANA** _(muffled)_ **:** I said _ssshhh_!

_Cut to room off lower corridors. KEIKO and WILDMAN are on either side of the door. SOLETA is holding a piece of debris._

**SOLETA:** All right. You two open the door, and I'll hit it.

_KEIKO opens the door; JACK THE RIPPER leaps in. SOLETA brains it with the debris._

Cut to other lower corridors, dark, with JACEN and JAINA.

**JACEN:** Jack the Ripper!

_The sad music goes on._

Cut back to room off lower corridors.

**WILDMAN:** I think it's only stunned.

_Cut back to lower corridors with JACEN._

**JAINA:** Cool it, Jacen! It's not dead!

**VOICE:** It's dead, Jim.

**JAINA:** Shut up! It _isn't dead_!

**JACEN:** Oh. Sorry, false alarm.

_The music stops midway through._

Cut to turbolift.

**YANAS:** What _was_ that _noise_?

_Nobody volunteers an answer._

**NORVO:** Mom, do you think maybe we should have called to tell her we were coming?

**YANAS:** Be quiet, Norvo. Janel, make your brother be quiet.

**JANEL:** Yes, Mother.

_SLOAN is speaking into a communicator._

**SLOAN:** Still not here? Well, he's old, he might be late... No, I can't. I'm in a turbolift, Sela.

**KASIDY** _(whispering)_ **:** Sela?

_The door opens and ZIRANNE comes in, carrying a suitcase and a large present._

**ZIRANNE:** Hi, is this going to the core?

_Cut to random hallway._

**B'ELANNA:** This place gets stranger every hour.

**JADZIA:** Oh, be fair. We didn't have any of that music until only a little before you guys got here.

**B'ELANNA:** Like I said. It's getting stranger.

**JADZIA:** We prefer to see it as 'more interesting.' Let's try the new comm system. ( _she goes to a ventilation duct and taps her combadge)_ J-Dax to Control.

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Control here. Is there a problem?

**JADZIA:** No, we're just testing. How are you?

**WILDMAN** _(from combadge)_ **:** Apart from being almost jumped by a weird eyeless thing, we're fine. We've been joined by Lieutenant Soleta from the _Excalibur_.

**JADZIA:** Don't worry, she's not contagious.

_Cut to_ Delta Flyer _._

**MEZOTI:** I concede that I require practice.

**TAHIRI:** At least you didn't hit the passenger ship.

**NAOMI:** She's doing all right now!

**MOLLY:** Yeah, I think we're fine. Now, off to the station!

**AZAN:** We have--

**REBI:** A bad feeling.

_The non-_ Voyager _kids look at them._

**MEZOTI:** Do not be concerned. This is normal for them.

**REBI:** I think there are--

**AZAN:** Borg on the station.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Oh-oh.

_Cut to BORG QUEEN checking her reflection in a mirror._

**BORG QUEEN:** I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and gay! I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel!

**VOICE:** Yes, 'alarming' is definitely the word for it.

_Cut to SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN crawling up a flight of stairs._

Cut to random hallway with the genetically enhanced crazy people. JACK is hauling BASHIR along by the arm. WESLEY is following them.

**LAUREN:** I thought I said, we _aren't_ kidnapping _you_!

**WESLEY:** You can't leave me alone!

**PATRICK:** Don't leave him alone, he'll be scared!

**LAUREN:** Be _quiet_ , Patrick.

**BASHIR:** Just what _are_ you so scared of, anyway?

**JACK:** Be quiet! Do I have to gag you, hmm, hmm, hmm?

_BASHIR rolls his eyes._

**WESLEY:** Well, first of all, I was stuck in a secret passage with these people from _Voyager_! One of them was a _convict_! And they had a _Borg_ with them!

**PATRICK:** Really?

**JACK** _(to BASHIR)_ **:** Well, is it true? Hmm, hmm, hmm?

**BASHIR:** Yes -- _Voyager_ picked up a Borg in the Delta Quadrant. If I might ask, just why _are_ you kidnapping me, anyway?

_No one pays any attention._

**WESLEY:** And there was this person hearing _voices_ in his head. And then this crazy kid with the video game said there was _another_ Borg around!

**BASHIR:** What?!

**WESLEY:** The Borg said her, um, proximity transceiver turned on, and they all got all upset, and the kid said that meant there was another Borg somewhere close! So I ran away!

**BASHIR:** Oh, no.

_Cut to Quark's, emergency-lit._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** More kanar?

**ROM:** It's all gone.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Oh. Phooey. Y'know, I _really_ _hate_ the Dominion.

**M'PELLA:** Really?

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** That's what I just said. I _really_ hate 'em.

**JOTHEE:** Is anyone listening?

**LANDO:** What happens if they are?

**RIKER:** Then Damar's in big trouble.

**SI CWAN:** He's low class, he deserves it.

_The others ignore him._

**THOMAS RIKER:** _If_ they can even understand him.

**LEETA:** Yeah, that might be hard.

**CHIANA** _(muffled)_ **:** Any sign of a creepy guy in a black isolation suit?

_Brief pause._

**RIKER:** No. Who are you, anyway?

_CHIANA reappears._

**CHIANA:** Hey, I remember you. Both of you. Weren't there more of you?

_Cut to exterior docking ring as a ship pulls up._

Cut to interior docking ring, darkened, as an airlock opens and QUI-GON comes out, followed by (not _the ghost) OBI-WAN Kenobi._

**QUI-GON:** All right, I'm almost positive there's a Sith somewhere on this station.

**OBI-WAN** _(glumly)_ **:** I don't think that's going to cut it with the Jedi Council. And did we have to bring all of _them_ along?

_He points back at the airlock._

Cut to dark secret passage.

**ANAKIN** _(cheerfully)_ **:** We're lost.

**SEVEN:** We all know that.

_ANAKIN pulls out the video game._

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

**TOM:** Harry?

**HARRY:** What?

**TOM:** Do you think there are a lot of glowing giant squids on DS9?

**HARRY:** Um, no.

**TOM:** Then I'm hallucinating again.

**JOHN:** Join the club.

**AERYN:** What are you seeing?

**JOHN:** What do you think?

**AERYN:** Well, I could hope.

**JOHN:** A giant glowing squid would make for a bit of variety, anyway...

_Cut to hallway as DARTH VADER marches CRUSHER, RO, and ROBIN._

**RO:** Do you have any idea what this thing is?

**CRUSHER:** Not a clue.

**RO:** Me, neither.

**ROBIN:** I'm scared.

**DARTH VADER:** Be quiet!

_Cut to turbolift._

**SLOAN:** Heh heh heh.

_A long pause._

**TK-421:** Lord Vader's gonna be mad.

**TK-422:** Yup.

**YANAS:** Who _is_ this Lord Vader man?

**NEEDA:** He's the Sith Lord! He's the Emperor's Right Hand! He's in Charge! If he gets mad he strangles people!

**KASIDY** _(whispered, to DATA)_ **:** Maybe we should take a different lift.

**NORVO:** I wanna go home.

**JANEL** _(to ZIRANNE, attempting to make conversation)_ **:** So, what brings you here?

**ZIRANNE:** My name's Ziranne. I'm visiting my sister.

**JANEL:** That's funny. I'm Janel, and I'm visiting my sister.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** And according to Starfleet regulations blah blah blah blah, subparagraph eleventy-leven, it is against the rule to not pay attention to admirals...

_HAN shudders._

**GEORDI:** Must... get... earplugs...

**ZHAAN:** Goddess... deliver us...

**KES:** I feel terrible...

_Cut to exterior_ Delta Flyer _._

**MOLLY** _(voice-over)_ **:** You're holding it upside down!

**NAOMI** _(voice-over)_ **:** Am not!

_Cut to interior_ Delta Flyer _. They're arguing over a map._

**NAOMI:** At this rate we're never going to get anywhere.

**NASHIRA:** I think there's something bad happening to the grown-ups.

**TAHIRI:** She's right... it's a good thing we left when we did.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Daddy's gonna die.

**MOLLY:** Don't be dumb. He's in the _senior staff_. We need to get to the station quick, though.

**NAOMI:** And that's where we're going... but look at that!

_Out the forward viewport, you can see the Imperial shuttle towing the_ Enterprise _-E._

**TAHIRI:** Weird.

**MEZOTI:** I concur.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 23 (about 2000 words) concerning Blabbering, Noncorporeal Relatives, Bumper Stickers, Elections, and General Borgophobia

**23**  


  
_Open on Ops office, half-lit._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** So together, we can -- Odo, are you listening to me?

**VOICE:** I don't think so.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** La de da de da, la de da de da, what's the name of that song... la de da de da, la de da de da, what's the name of that song...

_CHOMPER sniffs dubiously at the puddle, then shakes its head and retreats under the desk. KIRA pulls her feet up._

**WEYOUN:** Where'd Dukat go?

_Everyone looks around._

**KIRA:** Hmm, that may actually be a relevant question.

_Cut to dark secret passage, lit by super-bright high-power flashlight._

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! It's Doctor Chaotica!

**HARRY:** Will you _please_ stop screaming...

**AERYN:** Yes, you're going to set him off.

**JOHN:** I am _completely_ in control.

**VOICE OF SCORPIUS** _(echoing)_ **:** John... John... you can't escape me...

**JOHN:** Whatever evidence there may be to the contrary. _(muttered)_ Go _away_!

**HARRY:** How close are the Borg now, Seven?

**SEVEN:** Somewhere on the station.

**ANAKIN:** So's Darth Vader.

**HARRY:** Whoever that is.

**JOHN:** And I'm really afraid that--

**AERYN:** Don't even think about that.

_Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!_

**TOM:** Run, run, it's the Diabolical Death Ray!

**SEVEN:** Wait-- Oh, no. Icheb had better not have--

_Cut to somewhere in the lower core with JABBA and company as SELAR runs up._

**SELAR** _(to BIB FORTUNA)_ **:** Hi, handsome!

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Hey, what about me?

**SELAR:** You're handsome, too!

_She gives JABBA a smacking kiss, then looks at OOLA._

**SELAR:** Can I have one of those outfits? __

Cut to docking ring as AMIDALA, with her fingers in her ears, comes out of the airlock. She's wearing full queen get-up, and trailed by some HANDMAIDENS.

**AMIDALA:** I'm not _listening_!

**OBI-WAN:** What's the problem?

**AMIDALA** _(accusingly)_ **:** You shut us in the passenger compartment with him!

_JAR JAR bounces out of the airlock._

**OBI-WAN:** Oh. I see.

**QUI-GON:** Surely it wasn't that bad!

**AMIDALA:** Surely it was!

_ANI comes, looking pained._

**JAR JAR:** Mesa Jar Jar Binks!

**ANI:** We all know that.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Blah blah blah blah you must do what I say blah blah blah...

_Zoom slowly in on SISKO, collapsed on a bio-bed._

**ADMIRAL BOREN** _(voice-over)_ **:** I am in charge now, do exactly what I tell you...

_FLASH to white light with SISKO._

**SISKO:** Wha...

**SARAH:** The Sisko is in great danger.

**SISKO:** What do you mean?

**SARAH:** The Sisko is detained while the Kosst Amojin roams the Gateway to the Temple.

**SISKO:** The-- Oh, _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Such language, Benjamin!

**SARAH:** The Voice is intrusive.

**SISKO:** Tell me about it! What should I do?

**SARAH:** The Sisko must return to the Gateway of the Temple. He must escape the influence of the Bringers of Boredom.

_Cut to a hallway on Starbase Admirals R Us. STARK is hurrying along._

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** ...and I haven't been able to get in touch with Zhaan or D'Argo.

**STARK:** What's wrong? Is -- are they all right?

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** I don't know. I hope so. But since we haven't received any alarms--

**STARK** _(reversing course)_ **:** Comm Jool! We have to get to that other ship and help them!

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** But I was hoping I could get you to look at these docking clamps...

_Cut to random (dark) hallway with JADZIA and company._

**NOG:** I hear something.

**JADZIA:** Like what?

**NOG:** Someone yelling... listen!

**B'ELANNA:** I hear it!

**WESLEY** _(from offscreen, faintly)_ **:** I'm afraid of Borg! I want to go back to the _Enterprise_!

**JAKE:** Oh, no, it's Wesley Crusher.

**B'ELANNA:** Wait a minute -- Borg?

_Cut to access tunnel where XYON and KALINDA are climbing down._

**KALINDA:** Why can't we just take a turbolift? __

Cut to random (dark) hallway as DARTH VADER marches his prisoners.

**DARTH VADER** _(into comlink)_ **:** You found a _what_? Oh, all right, bring it in. But be careful.

**CRUSHER:** Oh, no. I think they have the _Enterprise_!

**RO:** I wonder how long it'll take them to figure out how to use it?

**ROBIN:** Si Cwan! Si Cwan! Save me!

_Cut to exterior space as the Imperial shuttle tows in the_ Enterprise _. Following along behind is the_ Delta Flyer _._

**MOLLY** _(voice-over)_ **:** There sure are a lot of ships here.

**NAOMI** _(voice-over)_ **:** I've never seen a ship like _that_ before.

**ICHEB** _(voice-over)_ **:** I am also unfamiliar with the design.

_Cut to interior_ Delta Flyer _. TAHIRI looks out the window at the_ Blunt Instrument _and the_ Executor _._

**TAHIRI:** Oh, _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Language, Tahiri!

**WAN-WAN:** _Bleep_ , _bleep_ , _bleep_!

**VOICE:** Tsk, tsk! Now listen to the little tyke.

**NAOMI:** Should I try hailing them?

**MOLLY:** Try someone's combadge, not Ops.

**NAOMI:** Okay.

_Cut to hallway with JADZIA and company._

**JADZIA:** All right, everyone, calm down. There might not really be a Borg, it could just be Wesley Crusher panicking.

**JAKE:** But what if there _is_?

**B'ELANNA:** He could mean Seven.

**JADZIA:** Good point. That's probably it.

**NOG:** Uh... the ventilation is talking.

**NAOMI** _(faintly, from ventilation duct)_ **:** _Delta Flyer_ to Seven of Nine...

_Cut to dark secret passages as SEVEN's combadge beeps._

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** _Delta Flyer_ to Seven of Nine, respond.

**AERYN:** Who's that?

**JOHN:** It sounded like a kid...

_SEVEN and HARRY look at each other._

**HARRY:** Er...

**SEVEN:** And I thought it was Icheb...

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Come in, Seven, this is the _Delta Flyer_...

**ANAKIN:** Well? Aren't you going to answer it?

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! It's another giant squid!

_SEVEN taps the combadge._

**SEVEN:** Seven here. Naomi Wildman. Is that you?

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Uh-huh. Is my mom there?

**SEVEN:** On the station, yes. What are you doing here? Who else is with you?

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** All the grown-ups were stuck _forever_ talking to admirals, so we kids came to rescue you. Me and Mezoti and the others, and some other kids.

**HARRY:** Wait. A bunch of kids are flying the _Delta Flyer_ around?

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Yes. Is that Ensign Kim? He doesn't have The Disease, does he? And who's _that_?

**TOM:** We're going down! Abandon ship! We're sinking!

**HARRY:** Er, Tom's not feeling well. And I _don't_ have The Disease. Look, Naomi, maybe you should turn around and go back to... wherever you all went.

**ICHEB** _(from combadge)_ **:** Infeasible.

**TAHIRI** _(from combadge)_ **:** We can't. Admirals took over the ship.

**MOLLY** _(from combadge)_ **:** We think all the grown-ups are unconscious.

_SEVEN and HARRY exchange glances as TOM tries to hide in the rubble, JOHN and AERYN wait expectantly, and ANAKIN plays the video game._

Blip, blip--

**SEVEN:** Turn that thing off!

**ANAKIN:** Oh, fine.

**TAHIRI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Is that you, Anakin?

**ANAKIN:** Yeah. You all right?

**TAHIRI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Fine.

**AERYN:** Wait -- from the shuttle, have you seen any stealth ships with _1/2 Scarran on board_ stickers?

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Um, I'm not sure, we'll check...

**JOHN** _(to AERYN, distracted from his own difficulties)_ **:** Really?

**AERYN:** Yes. It's a sort of warning label.

**MOLLY** _(from combadge)_ **:** Did you know the Enterprise has a sticker on the back that says _Honk if you've slept with Commander Riker_?

**HARRY:** And people say _we're_ undignified--

**ICHEB** _(from combadge)_ **:** Yes, we did. It's adrift not far from the station.

**AERYN:** Adrift?

**ICHEB** _(from combadge)_ **:** Yes. Unoccupied.

**AERYN:** Just -- _bleep_.

**JOHN** _(resigned)_ **:** I knew it.

**SEVEN:** All right. Naomi. Bring the _Delta Flyer_ in closer, but don't leave the shuttle.

**NAOMI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Yes, sir!

_Cut to random hallway with JADZIA and company, clustered around the ventilation duct._

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, no.

**DELL:** L-- E-- M-- L-- Paris has gone crazy! Paris has gone crazy!

**B'ELANNA:** Shut up, _deckswab_!

**JAKE:** Deckswab? I don't think that's a position anymore.

**B'ELANNA:** All right, then he's a _janitor_.

**JAKE:** That works.

**JADZIA:** Great. Now what are we going to do?

_Cut to Prophet-land._

**SISKO:** Sarah, what do I do?

**SARAH:** The Sisko must return to the Gateway to the Temple.

**SISKO:** Yes, I got that part, but how do I get past the admirals?

**SARAH:** You must leave the domain of the Bringers of Boredom.

**SISKO:** Sickbay?

**SARAH:** You must leave the domain of the Bringers of Boredom.

**SISKO:** I _heard_ you-- Wait -- you mean the starbase?

_Cut to docking ring, dark, as QUI-GON and VALERIE nearly collide._

**VALERIE:** Excuse me.

**QUI-GON:** Excuse _me_. Could you direct us to the person in command of this station, please?

**VALERIE:** Ah, I think that's a little complicated at the moment...

**OBI-WAN:** Master, I'm sensing something strange...

**QUI-GON:** Just a moment. You see, I'm Qui-Gon Jin, a Jedi Knight, and I sensed something amiss on this station. I came to investigate--

**AMIDALA:** What's _that_?

**HANDMAIDENS:** Protect the queen!

**HUGH:** Hello. I am Hugh. I am pleased to meet you.

**VALERIE:** That? I think it's a Borg. Sort of. Maybe.

**JAR JAR:** Mesa scared!

**HUGH:** I will not assimilate you. I am--

**ANI:** Can we leave now?

**VALERIE:** Believe me, there are far worse things.

_Cut to Quark's, the EWOKS' area._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Logray, what's wrong?

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I sense an evil spirit.

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear.

**LANDO:** _Now_ what?

**RIKER:** Does it even matter?

**SI CWAN:** Of course not. They aren't noble.

**M'PELLA and CHIANA** _(in unison)_ **:** Shut _up_!

**SI CWAN:** Now, how to save Kally... ****

DAMAR _(slurred)_ **:** How 'bout a Romulan ale?

**ROM:** You drank it all.

**THOMAS RIKER:** How about you go get a cold shower?

**JOTHEE:** How come he gets to drink all he wants, and I can't use just one little holosuite?

_Cut to XYON and KALINDA coming out of the access tube onto the Promenade._

**KALINDA:** It's dark.

**XYON:** I like it better this way.

**JOR** _(from above)_ **:** La la la, la la la la, la la _la_ , la la...

**XYON:** What the...

**KALINDA:** Come on, let's go to the bar. __

Cut to Delta Flyer _as it slowly moves in towards the docking ring._

**NAOMI:** All right, we made it!

**AZAN:** We located...

**REBI:** ...Seven of Nine.

**MOLLY:** I don't think so. We're too small to dock.

**NAOMI:** Are we?

**TAHIRI:** She's right. This is just a little shuttle.

**NOMI:** Now what do we do?

**MOLLY:** Runabouts have a landing pad on the habitat ring.

**NASHIRA:** We'll go there, then.

**NAOMI:** Okay! _(pause)_ The habitat ring's the second one in, right?

**ICHEB:** Allow me to pilot.

**MEZOTI:** Icheb, Azan and Rebi are correct. There are Borg on the station.

**ICHEB:** No, just Seven of Nine.

**MEZOTI:** Are you sure?

_Cut to darkened docking ring, where you can see the_ Delta Flyer _moving past out the windows. QUI-GON still has VALERIE cornered; she has a big fake grin on her face and is pretending she knows what's going on._

**VALERIE:** And right now they're, er, holding elections to see who the new commander will be. The campaigning can be _very_ competitive...

**JAR JAR:** Mesa go see over there!

**ANI:** Where are you going?

_He follows JAR JAR off around a corner. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are too busy trying to puzzle out VALERIE to notice, but AMIDALA sees them._

**AMIDALA:** Ani, come back!

_She runs after them, hiking up her dress, followed by the HANDMAIDENS._

**OBI-WAN:** And who did you say the candidates were?

**VALERIE:** Er, well, there's the popular 'Federation' party, they're the incumbents, but the 'Dominion' party has a lot of power, too...

**HUGH:** Elections?

**VALERIE:** Oh, yes, and the 'Borg' party. They're big on unity.

_Cut to JABBA and company. SELAR is now wearing a dancing girl outfit and trying to flirt with JABBA._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** I think I'm going to be ill...

**VOICE:** Come one, come all, see the first Vulcan dancing girl! __

Cut to dark lower corridors and SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN.

**SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN:** I'm going to get them all!

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**KIRA** _(to ODO)_ **:** ...and I'm especially concerned because of _this_.

_She holds up her pager, still flashing red lights._

**ODO:** Ugh. I can see why.

**WEYOUN:** I am _so_ annoyed that Dukat ran off!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Well, find Dukat and make him come back! In the meantime, Odo...

**ODO** _(to KIRA)_ **:** I'm not sure what happened to the other people who were left behind. There seemed to be quite a few people in Quark's -- not including Quark, of course.

**KIRA:** This whole business is a farce.

_Cut to random hall as DUKAT falls down a flight of stairs._

**DUKAT:** I must g-g-g-g-g-o-o-o-o-o...

**VOICE:** Simply pathetic.

_A couple passing STORMTROOPERS stampede over him._

**VOICE:** Between Dukat and Snookums, it's a wonder the Pah-wraith has gotten as far as it has, don't you think, Morn?

_MORN blinks._


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 24 (about 2100 words) concerning Holograms, Spies, Excellent Questions, Elections, and Rescue Missions

**24**  


  
_Open on Prophet-land._

**SISKO:** All right. Leave the starbase, go back to the station. Any advice after that?

**SARAH:** The Bringers of Boredom will seek to stop the Sisko.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay. SISKO is unconscious like all the others._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Starfleet regulations blah blah blah...

_Without warning, a very loud holographic CARMEN turns on._

**CARMEN:** Love is like a gypsy child, that never knew boss nor rule...!!!

**QUARK:** Aaah!

_He rolls over, clutching his ears. Others stir and sit up, groaning._

**LUKE:** What's happening...?

**DOCTOR:** Quick! Get out of sickbay! You all have to get out of sickbay! _(he fritzes)_ We're running out of time!

**CHAKOTAY:** Doctor...?

**SHELBY:** What the...

**NEELIX:** Come on, let's just go!

**EZRI:** I'm _going_ , I'm _going_...

_EZRI and NEELIX stagger out the door into the hall, followed by QUARK, CHEWIE, SHELBY, and O'BRIEN. KES wanders after them._

**GEORDI:** Counselor Troi isn't waking up...

_He manages to drag her towards the door; LUKE and MARA help him get her through._

**CARMEN:** Toreador, go, fight with all your might!!! Toreador, toreador!!! And when the fight is won then oh toreador!!! You shall have your re _ward_!!!!

**JOOL:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_WORF makes it out; ZHAAN and D'ARGO assit each other. BURGOYNE dances through the door._

_Cut to hallway outside. People are collapsed on the floor or leaning on the walls. An anxious STARK, accompanied by JOOL, is checking on ZHAAN and D'ARGO. CHAKOTAY looks back towards the door._

**CHAKOTAY:** The captain...

**DOCTOR:** No!

_He slams the door close pad, cutting off the Carmen music and the admirals._

**DOCTOR:** If you go in there, you'll be overcome immediately. It was all I could do to get you out.

_He fritzes._

**GEORDI:** Are you all right?

**DOCTOR** _(faintly)_ **:** I was exposed to too much of it... my holoprojector can't turn off like your minds... you can't go back in... you have to get off the ship... back to the station...

_He fritzes out. His mobile emitter falls to the floor._

**EZRI:** Is he... dead?

**CHAKOTAY:** No -- Harry or B'Elanna can get him back on-line -- but they aren't here.

**NEELIX** _(glumly)_ **:** Lucky them.

**GEORDI:** I can _try_.

**O'BRIEN:** That might be a good idea -- some people stay here, try and get the EMH on-line and the captains out, and the rest of us take the _Defiant_ and go back to the station.

**QUARK:** Who's volunteering to stay here with the admirals?

_CHEWBACCA comments._

**LUKE:** Chewbacca says he'll stay, since Han's still in there.

**GEORDI** _(reluctantly)_ **:** I'll stay -- but not right here.

**MARA:** I suppose I can take it.

**SHELBY:** McHenry, you just volunteered. And Burgoyne...

**BURGOYNE:** Selar... Selar...

**SHELBY:** I guess not Burgoyne.

**D'ARGO:** I'm going.

**ZHAAN:** Stark and I will definitely want to go back to the station, too, but I think Rygel and Jool can stay here.

**JOOL:** No! I won't! How do I know you won't try to leave _me_ behind?

**ZHAAN:** Because you're not dispensing hallucinogens.

**STARK:** Or in love with Scorpius.

**ZHAAN:** But if you insist.

**CHAKOTAY:** And the rest of us will go. Okay. I assume some of you know how to work the _Defiant_...?

_Cut to random hallway, dark. JACK is holding BASHIR against a wall while LAUREN works at an access panel and PATRICK peers into a ventilation duct. WESLEY is standing around nervously._

**PATRICK:** I think there's someone in there.

**WESLEY:** Really?

**LAUREN:** Quiet, I'm trying to work.

**BASHIR:** If one of you would just tell me what--

**JACK:** Didn't you hear her? Hmm, hmm, hmm? She said be quiet, so you be quiet too!

**BASHIR:** I'm just trying to find out--

**JACK:** Quiet!

_Cut to docking ring as JENAVIAN, SELA, and KOVAL pry open a strange sort of pod._

**KOVAL** _(into communicator)_ **:** 31, are you there?

**SLOAN** _(from comm)_ **:** Yes, go ahead.

**NEEDA** _(from comm, in background)_ **:** Is that his name?

**ZIRANNE** _(from comm, in background)_ **:** Only Borg have numbers for names.

**SELA:** We found him.

_They get the pod open, and Enabran TAIN comes out._

**TAIN:** Hello, everyone! Koval... and Sela and Jena, as lovely as ever!

**TK-421** _(from comm, in background)_ **:** What's the matter with my name? __

Cut to Quark's, emergency-lit.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Oh, wow, I must be drunk. I can see two Rikers.

_CHIANA sighs loudly._

**LEETA:** There _are_ two Rikers.

**RIKER:** But I'm the real one.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Yeah, yeah, yeah.

**LANDO:** So, _is_ anybody even in control of the station anymore? And who is it? These Dominion people, the Imperials, who knows who else...

**SI CWAN:** Naturally, _I_ am in control.

_There is a brief, disbelieving silence._

**JOTHEE:** Who is this guy?

**LANDO:** How should I know?

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I want some roast meat.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Well, you can't have any.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Why not? I'll go order.

_TEEBO waddles up to the bar._

**ROM:** Leeta, look.

**LEETA:** It's one of those little Ewok things. Cute.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I want some roast meat!

**ROM:** I think it's trying to talk.

_Cut to dark docking ring as AMSHA and RICHARD wait for a turbolift. As they stand there, JAR JAR bounces up to them._

**AMSHA:** What...

**JAR JAR:** Mesa Jar Jar Binks!

**RICHARD:** Er...

_ANI charges down the hall and skids to a halt._

**ANI:** _Here_ you are, Jar Jar!

**AMSHA:** Er... What a charming little boy...

_The turbolift doors open, revealing guess who._

**KASIDY:** Not the docking ring again!

**NORVO:** This is the third time.

_Ignoring obvious warning signs, RICHARD, AMSHA, and JAR JAR go on in. ANI follows. It's getting a little crowded in there._

**TK-421:** I thought you told it to go to the core.

**NEEDA:** I did!

**ZIRANNE:** Everyone did.

**SLOAN** _(into comm)_ **:** All right, I'm still going after him... go ahead and look for the others, don't wait for me.

**DATA:** Excuse me... you're standing on my foot.

**TK-422:** Oh. Sorry.

_As the doors start to close..._

**AMIDALA:** Wait!

_JANEL holds the door long enough for her -- and all the HANDMAIDENS -- to pile in._

**AMIDALA:** What are you--

_The doors close, cutting off her words._

Cut to random (dark) hallway with JADZIA and company.

**JADZIA:** All right. So some more kids are on the station. That's no reason to panic.

**JAKE:** We _aren't_ panicking!

**JADZIA:** I know. I'm practicing for when we get in touch with Keiko again.

**JAKE:** Ah. Good idea. Ne reason to panic...

_JADZIA's combadge beeps._

**JADZIA:** J-Dax here. What is it?

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** It looks like the _Enterprise_ finally got here...

**SOLETA** _(from combadge)_ **:** However, it appears to have been captured by the 'Imperials.'

**JADZIA:** Oh, _great_. Now _that's_ helpful.

_A pause._

**GARAK** _(whispering)_ **:** Are you planning on actually _telling_ her?

**JADZIA** _(whispering)_ **:** Only if necessary. Now be quiet.

_Cut to dark docking ring as DARTH VADER marches RO, CRUSHER, and ROBIN up to an airlock. A STORMTROOPER comes out._

**STORMTROOPER:** Here's the ship, Lord Vader.

**DARTH VADER:** Good. Put these three on it and tie them up.

**STORMTROOPER:** Yes, sir.

**CRUSHER:** Good grief!

**ROBIN:** Si Cwan! Help!

_Cut to Prophet-land._

**SARAH:** The Sisko's companions are in great danger.

**SISKO:** My crew?

_Cut to_ Defiant _bridge. No one's in the command chair, but the bridge is full of all the recent escapees from sickbay, including TROI, who's unconscious on the floor, and BURGOYNE, who's tied up in a corner, plus D'ARGO and STARK._

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la one ah la two--

**SHELBY:** Be _quiet_!

**ZHAAN** _(to the comm)_ **:** I promise, Pilot, we'll be back as soon as we can. Has it gotten any better?

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Well, it's stopped getting worse, which is something--

**WORF:** We're cloaked.

**CHAKOTAY:** Set course for the station!

_A pause; no one's at the helm. KES starts to sit down at it, but NEELIX restrains her._

**NEELIX:** Leave this to the experts.

**O'BRIEN:** Why are you looking at me? I'm not a pilot!

**EZRI:** Oh, all right, I'll do it!

_She takes the helm and they head away from Starbase Admirals R Us._

Cut to docking bay in habitat ring as the Delta Flyer _maneuvers in._

Cut to inside of Delta Flyer _._

**NAOMI:** Now we're supposed to stay where we are.

**NASHIRA:** That's no fun.

**NAOMI:** I know, but Seven said so.

**MOLLY:** We'd better do it... for now, anyway.

**ICHEB:** Having us stay here is an inefficient distribution of resources.

**NASHIRA:** You sound like Anakin.

_Cut to Quark's._

**SI CWAN:** My poor baby sister...

_As he babbles on, XYON and KALINDA slip into the bar and approach LEETA._

**XYON:** Could we rent a holosuite?

**JOTHEE:** I wanted a holosuite!

**RIKER:** Hey there, good lookin'!

_THOMAS RIKER whistles; JOTHEE hastily follows suit._

**VOICE:** Hmm... not very good timing... but an adequate whistle. It gets a five-point-six from the East Cardassian judge!

**JOTHEE:** Huh? __

KALINDA has noticed SI CWAN.

**KALINDA:** Xyon, that's...

**XYON:** Shh.

**LEETA:** Well... the only holosuite running is Vic Fontaine's, but I guess you could go up.

**XYON:** Great! Come on, Kalinda.

_They slip on past SI CWAN and up the stairs. JOTHEE charges up after them but slams into the closing door with an impressive_ clang _. CHIANA studiously ignores him._

**M'PELLA:** Who do you suppose _they_ were?

**SI CWAN:** Poor Kally, I'd recognize her anywhere... __

Cut to dark docking ring.

**QUI-GON:** All right, let's go over this again. The 'Federation' party was in the lead when the 'Dominion' party launched a surprise ad campaign, and someone has knocked out the power grid to delay the elections?

**VALERIE:** Mm-hmm. Possibly the 'Borg' party.

**HUGH:** The Borg are not a--

**VALERIE** _(interrupting)_ **:** Or it could always be the 'Klingon' party. They like to, um, cling on.

**HUGH:** Er--

**VALERIE:** It's all very complicated. I myself am a member of the 'Fluidic Space' party. We're, um, rather the underdogs of the election. I don't know that we're, er, on the ballot, but we're here.

**QUI-GON:** I see.

_OBI-WAN, on the other hand, obviously doesn't._

**OBI-WAN:** Er, so, what was that? Wait, where'd Queen Amidala go?

_Cut to crowded turbolift._

**AMIDALA:** Where is this lift going?

**KASIDY:** Nowhere, I think.

**JANEL** _(glumly)_ **:** You mean, going nowhere _fast_.

**YANAS:** Be quiet, Janel.

**ZIRANNE:** _You_ be quiet.

**SLOAN** _(into comm)_ **:** What? Didn't I tell you, Enabran? There's this doctor I'm going to torture, then I'll join you.

_The others give him nervous looks._

**NORVO:** I'm glad _I'm_ not a doctor.

**YANAS:** Be quiet, Norvo.

**RICHARD:** This lift doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

**TK-421:** Darth Vader's gonna be angry.

**AMIDALA:** 'Darth'?

_AMIDALA and ANI try to move away from the Imperials._

**HANDMAIDENS:** Protect the queen!

_They try to get between AMIDALA and the Imperials. This just causes a traffic snarl._

**JAR JAR:** Mesa Jar Jar Binks!

_YANAS gives him a frosty look._

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge. CRUSHER, RO, and ROBIN, tied up with an excessive amount of rope, are seated in the big chairs._

**CRUSHER:** This is absurd.

**RO:** Hey, I'm the captain.

**ROBIN:** How can you joke at a time like this?!

_Cut to secret passage, dark._

**TOM:** There is _too_ a Vidiian over there! I know what a Vidiian looks like, Harry!

**HARRY:** Tom, that's a--

**AERYN:** Just try to calm down--

**JOHN:** Dammit, I hate this. Not paying attention. Errr-- Oh say can you seeeee--

**TOM:** Corn on the cob!

**SEVEN:** It is a lost cause.

**ANAKIN:** He needs a doctor, or he's going to die.

**HARRY:** Thank you for sharing that!

**AERYN:** A doctor would come in handy right about now.

**JOHN** _(off-key)_ **:** O'er the raaaamparts we waatched--

**ANAKIN:** I might have a tuning fork.

_Cut to lower corridors with JAINA and JACEN._

**JACEN:** Snookums! Snookums! Yoo-hoo! Snookums!

_Cut to_ Delta Flyer _._

**NASHIRA:** Do you think the grown-ups will ever get away?

**NOMI:** Maybe if Jacen's pets don't eat them.

**MOLLY:** Hey! My dad's back there!

**NOMI:** Well, they _do_ eat people.

**KIRAYOSHI:** I want Daddy! Waaaah!

**WAN-WAN:** I love you, you--

**ALL:** Shut up!

**TAHIRI:** At least he isn't saying _bleep_ any more.

**NASHIRA:** I'm going to tell Mom it's your fault he knows that word.

**TAHIRI:** It is _not_!

**MOLLY:** Well, you _did_ use it in front of him.

**NAOMI:** We all heard you.

**TAHIRI:** Yeah, but Wan-Wan already knew it. Just ask Han.

**NAOMI:** Oh.

**MEZOTI:** I'm concerned for Seven of Nine.

_Cut to_ Defiant _._

**EZRI:** We're heading for the station. What do we do when we get there?

**CHAKOTAY:** Well, we _are_ cloaked, so I suppose we could just... sneak in and look around.

**EZRI:** But is this a rescue mission or what?

**D'ARGO:** We have to save my son!

**SHELBY:** But you don't even know that the Dominion was looking for him.

**O'BRIEN:** I think it's a 'get away from the boring admirals' mission.

**EZRI:** Oh. Okay. That works.

**CHAKOTAY:** And rescue anyone we might happen to run across in need of rescuing.

**O'BRIEN:** That works, too.

**EZRI:** Well I want to make sure we _run across_ Julian. And Kira and Odo and Jadzia. And Jake, and Keiko, and Kasidy, and -- oh, you get the idea.

**D'ARGO:** More people than will fit on this ship?

**EZRI:** ...we'll work that out when we get there.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 25 (about 2100 words) concerning Rescue Missions, People in Need of Rescuing, _Titanic_ -itis, and the Increasingly Crowded Turbolift

**25**  


  
_Open on DUKAT stumbling down into the lower corridors._

Cut to SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN finally making it up out of the lower corridors.

**VOICE:** Whoops.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**CRUSHER:** Computer!

**RO:** What are you going to have it do? Hail the Dominion ships? The computer can't untie knots.

**ROBIN** _(tearful)_ **:** There must be _something_ we can do!

**RO:** _I'm_ going to enjoy the big chair.

_Cut to BORG QUEEN meandering down a hallway._

**BORG QUEEN:** Locutus, baby... No, that won't do. He's too _old_ to be a baby. Locutus, my love...

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**WEYOUN:** This is _most_ annoying. Will you get out of the desk?

**KIRA:** Nope. Besides, it isn't like you could use the computer.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Weyoun, will you try and find out what all those ships are? And what they're doing here? _We're_ supposed to have the station, aren't we?

_She indicates the Star Destroyers._

**WEYOUN:** Yes, of course. Hey, you! Find out what those ships are!

**JEM'HADAR:** Who, me?

**WEYOUN:** No, the Romulan standing behind you! _Yes_ , you.

**JEM'HADAR:** Romulans? Where?

_The JEM'HADAR spins around and shoots the wall before slipping in the puddle of DOMINION SPY and falling on the floor._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** The hills are alive with the sound of music... la la la la...

**WEYOUN:** This is outrageous!

**KIRA:** _I_ think it's funny.

**ODO:** Um, Kira? Has... that... been singing the whole time?

**KIRA:** Oh, yes. You should have been here when it tried Mumu the Horta. Or that thing about coconuts.

**ODO:** Oh, no.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Greetings and welcome to Zee-Day...

_Cut to JAINA and JACEN in dark lower corridors._

**JACEN:** I just don't know where Reddy and the others are. I'll have to come back later.

**JAINA:** In the meantime, maybe we could try to find our way out of here. Do you know where we are, exactly?

**JACEN:** I thought you were keeping track.

_Cut to_ Delta Flyer _._

**MEZOTI:** We're being inefficient.

**MOLLY:** We aren't doing a whole lot of rescuing, are we.

**NAOMI:** Nope. We might as well have stayed on _Voyager_.

_A glum silence._

**MOLLY:** I don't even know where my mom _is_. She could be in all sorts of trouble.

**NASHIRA:** My mom's probably just giving a speech.

**TAHIRI:** To whom?

**NASHIRA:** The mirror, if necessary.

**NAOMI:** Y'know, Seven hasn't called back yet.

**MOLLY:** Do you think she should have?

**TAHIRI:** Probably. I bet she's run into trouble.

**ICHEB:** It's possible.

**AZAN &REBI:** Even likely.

**NAOMI:** If she has, she's counting on us to get her out of it. I mean, L-- E-- M-- L-- Tom Paris sounded like he'd gone crazy, and Ensign Kim's not real good at rescuing people.

**TAHIRI:** Doesn't he have experience with rescues?

**NAOMI:** He usually stays on the ship.

**NASHIRA:** Sounds boring.

**NAOMI:** Sitting on a ship _is_ boring, isn't it?

**KIRAYOSHI:** I hate being bored.

_Cut to_ Defiant _._

**WORF:** Doesn't the ship go any faster?

**EZRI:** Not unless you want to spend days fixing the warp drive, Worf. Or you could always get out and push.

**KES:** I bet I could--

**ALL _VOYAGER_ PEOPLE:** Thanks but no thanks, Kes.

**D'ARGO:** But we need to--

**ZHAAN:** Be calm, D'Argo.

**O'BRIEN:** I really should have checked on the kids before we left.

**CHAKOTAY:** We don't want to bring them along. I mean, even Starbase Admirals R Us _(shudders)_ is safer than the station right now.

**O'BRIEN:** Yeah. I guess I should be glad Molly and Kirayoshi are safely out of it.

_Cut to darkened hallway as the landing pad door opens and TAHIRI peeks out._

**TAHIRI:** The lights are all out here, too.

**NAOMI:** There are handlights on the _Flyer_. I'll go get some.

**MOLLY:** We'd better hurry.

_Cut to TK-423 diligently searching the_ Enterprise _._

**TK-423:** Show yourself, in the name of the Emperor!

_He whips around a corner into sickbay and surprises OGAWA._

**OGAWA:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**TK-423:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Ahem. _(regains composure)_ Are you a Rebel spy?

**OGAWA:** I... uh... no!

**TK-423** _(disappointed)_ **:** You're not?

**OGAWA:** No... uh... who are you?

**TK-423:** I'm TK-423, er... Oh, no! You're Ysanne Isard, aren't you! I'm so sorry, Madame Director! I didn't know you were here! I didn't mean to compromise your disguise! Please forgive me!

_He grovels. OGAWA looks bewildered._

**TK-421:** I'll forget I ever saw you. I'm already forgetting. Just please don't kill me!

_He runs away screaming._

**OGAWA:** ...huh.

_Cut to Prophet-land._

**SARAH:** The Sisko must aid his companions.

**SISKO:** Right. Er, so besides the Pah-wraith, what's on the station?

**SARAH:** The Gateway to the Temple is crowded.

**SISKO:** Maybe I'd better get going, then. _(pause)_ I mean, wake up.

_Cut to dark secret passages._

**JOHN:** Aeryn, he's -- uh -- I'm hearing him pretty clearly, here.

**AERYN:** Oh, _bleep_. Just -- just try to stay in control, John. _(to herself)_ Oh, _that's_ useful advice.

**JOHN:** Right. Right. ****

TOM: Careful, Harry! It's a Species 8472! You run, I'll get someone to hold it off--

**AERYN:** Species 8472? ****

SEVEN: There are no Species 8472 on the station.

**VOICE:** That's what _you_ think, Annika.

**SEVEN:** That is _not_ my name.

**ANAKIN:** It sounds a lot like mine. In fact, if you rearrange the letters--

**JOHN:** You aren't helping any, kid.

**HARRY:** I think it just said that there really _is_ a Species 8472 somewhere on the station!

**ANAKIN:** Who cares? Hey, I'll bet you anything you like that those kids aren't staying on that shuttle like you told them.

**HARRY:** Naomi's a good kid. She won't run off.

**ANAKIN:** Hah. _(pause)_ Uh-oh.

**HARRY** _(aggrieved)_ **:** _Now_ what?

**TOM:** It's the Krenim timeship!

**ANAKIN:** All of a sudden I'm having a very bad feeling...

**JOHN** _(strangled)_ **:** Aeryn -- he's--

**SCORPIUS:** Hello, John.

**TOM:** And there's Annorax!

**SEVEN:** Who is this individual?

**AERYN** _(grabbing a weapon)_ **:** Trouble. Stay back--

**SCORPIUS:** Pathetic.

_He knocks AERYN backwards towards a heap of nasty pointy rubble--_

**JOHN:** No!

_\--and she lands on ANAKIN, just bumping her head on a dull edge and going out. ANAKIN drops the super-bright high-power flashlight and it goes out, leaving the passage near-dark. (Scarrans, unfortunately, can see in the dark.)_

**ANAKIN:** Owowow!

**TOM:** He's going to erase the sixties from time!

**HARRY:** Not _now_!

_Suddenly we see in the infrared, SEVEN's perspective. (Borg can see in the dark, too.)_

**SEVEN:** Ensign, take care of him. I'll--

**SCORPIUS:** Come on, John.

**JOHN:** You know, your timing is incredibly inconvenient.

_HARRY grabs SEVEN's arm._

**HARRY:** Do something!

**SEVEN:** I can't do anything when you're hanging on to my arm!

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_SCORPIUS hauls JOHN away._

**ANAKIN** _(struggling free)_ **:** A lot of good you did! Now I'm bleeding and corridor ghouls will come and eat me! __

Cut to room off lower corridors as LOVESTRUCK barrels in.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Is Colonel Kira here?

**SOLETA:** Ah... no.

_He barrels out again._

**WILDMAN:** What was...? __

**KEIKO:** Just Lieutenant Lovestruck. Don't worry about it. __

Cut to edge of Promenade, dark, as JADZIA creeps in, turning off her wrist-light as she does.

**JADZIA:** Come on -- oh, god.

**JOR** _(from offscreen)_ **:** I'm going to marry Jack! So there, Callen! La la _la_ , la la _la_ la, la la _la_ la la...

_B'ELANNA follows JADZIA._

**B'ELANNA:** Let's try to avoid her.

**JADZIA:** Good plan. Come on, Garak, let's go.

_The entire group sneaks down the Promenade to the tailor shop._

**JOR** _(from offscreen)_ **:** Oh, the great _Titanic_!

**NOG** _(whispered)_ **:** She has some big glider thing!

**B'ELANNA:** The U.S.S. _Leonardo DiCaprio_. That's a very bad sign.

**JAKE:** The lights are on in Quark's Place.

**NOG:** I know. He has his own emergency lighting system. I wonder if my dad's in there?

**GARAK:** Here we go.

_He opens the door to his shop; they slip in. It's apparent that there are some missing clothes._

**GARAK:** I've been robbed!

_B'ELANNA picks up a note at the counter._

**B'ELANNA:** Looks like whoever it was left an IOU.

**JADZIA:** Oh, honestly. I would bet large sums of latinum that it was Julian.

**GARAK:** Quite possibly.

**B'ELANNA:** So, where are the weapons?

_Cut to docking ring, dark._

**VALERIE:** Now, if you'll excuse me, I really must be going.

_She hurries off before QUI-GON can stop her and calls a turbolift. The same crowded lift opens and she steps in._

**JANEL:** If you're interested, this lift doesn't seem to let anyone out.

**NORVO** _(glumly)_ **:** It eats people.

**YANAS:** Be quiet, Norvo.

**VALERIE:** That's... interesting.

**ZIRANNE** _(to YANAS)_ **:** Why are you always telling people to be quiet?

**TK-421:** I'm a stormtrooper.

**TK-422:** Me, too.

**KASIDY:** I never would have guessed.

**AMIDALA:** Excuse me, you're standing on my dress.

**SLOAN:** Oh, I'm sorry.

**JAR JAR** _(to VALERIE)_ **:** Mesa--

**ALL:** We know that!

**ANI** _(to SLOAN)_ **:** Who are _you_?

**SLOAN:** Oh, I'm just visiting. What about the commander here?

**VALERIE:** I'm Commander Valerie Archer. I'm, ah, visiting too.

_Cut to QUI-GON and OBI-WAN waiting for a turbolift. One arrives and -- incredible! It's not the crowded one!_

**OBI-WAN:** Er--

**QUI-GON** _(pleasantly)_ **:** Good day.

**JOHN** _(muffled)_ **:** \--rockets' red glare--

_SCORPIUS drags JOHN out of the lift and away down the corridor. The two Jedi head into the lift._

**OBI-WAN:** Master Qui-Gon, didn't that look sort of... well...

**QUI-GON:** Yes?

**OBI-WAN:** Never mind. __

They are quickly joined by JOSEPH SISKO and SIRELLA.

**QUI-GON** _(pleasantly)_ **:** Good day.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Er, good day to you, too. I don't suppose you know what's going on?

**SCORPIUS** _(in the distance)_ **:** My _ship_!

**QUI-GON:** I'm told the station is holding elections.

**JOSEPH SISKO** _(blankly)_ **:** Really?

_There's the sound of running feet, and SCORPIUS drags JOHN back into the turbolift just before the door closes, nearly on JOHN's foot._

**JOHN:** _Watch_ it, Scorpy!

**OBI-WAN:** Master Qui-Gon favors the Fluidic Space party.

_SIRELLA and JOSEPH SISKO exchange clueless glances._

**SIRELLA:** Elections.

**QUI-GON:** Yes, it's an age-old tradition. _(to SCORPIUS)_ May I ask what party you're with?

_Cut to somewhere in the lower core with SELA, KOVAL, JENAVIAN, and TAIN. JENAVIAN is checking her messages again._

**JENAVIAN:** Oh, I can't believe this. How the _bleep_ did he manage to lose his ship? Wants all assistance immediately... _(hesitates, then snaps the comm shut)_ You didn't see me get this.

**SELA:** Not a word.

**JENAVIAN:** In fact, I think my comm is broken.

**SELA:** Looks that way to me.

**TAIN:** Now then I said to Elim, 'Elim,' I said, 'Elim, if you want to get anywhere in this business...'

**KOVAL:** Of course you did. __

Cut to dark hallway with KIDS.

**MOLLY:** All right, we'll split up and form search parties. They're probably in the core.

**NAOMI:** Okay! Let's get going.

_Cut to_ Defiant _. They're nearing the station._

**CHAKOTAY:** Should we dock or beam in?

**EZRI:** Dock while we're cloaked? Can we do that? Hmm... I guess there's no reason why _not_...

**WORF:** I need to get there as quickly as possible.

**O'BRIEN:** That's odd... I'm reading various... _look_ at _that_!

_The Star Destroyers are in sight._

**LUKE:** Let's _not_ uncloak. Darth Vader's here.

**EZRI:** There's a passenger ship over there... I don't know _what_ that is... and that sure looks like a Borg ship. A teeny tiny Borg ship.

**SHELBY:** All right, then that's one of their... no, actually, that _is_ just a teeny tiny Borg ship. Huh.

**CHAKOTAY:** Scans like one, too. Any Borg on the station?

**O'BRIEN:** Er, three or four. I think.

**NEELIX:** Only three or four?

**SHELBY:** That's... weird.

**VOICE:** Says the woman from _Excalibur_.

**SHELBY:** Oh, shut up.

**STARK:** Zhaan -- Zhaan -- do you see--

**ZHAAN:** See what, Stark?

**STARK:** That ship--

**QUARK:** That drifting one with the funny bumper sticker?

**ZHAAN:** Oh no.

**KES:** There's a--

**CHAKOTAY:** Just a minute. So we'll have to deal with the Dominion, some Borg, and what else...

**STARK:** Scorpius!

**ZHAAN:** Stark, I don't want you panicking--

**D'ARGO:** We get enough of that from Crichton.

**LUKE:** Imperials. Some other very evil thing.

**EZRI:** Ooohh. Fun. Well--

_There is a horrible racket as EZRI, O'BRIEN, and WORF's Senior Staff Emergency Alert Pagers all go off at once. They pull them out and grimace._

**O'BRIEN:** Finally, some solid information.

**EZRI:** But not reassuring information.

_Cut to Quark's._

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I wanna roast meat! I want it now! Now, now, now, now, now!

**ROM:** It's throwing a temper tantrum.

**LEETA:** It's kind of cute.

**LANDO:** It's also kind of-- What the _bleep_?

**VOICE:** Mind your language, Lando.

**JOR** _(from offscreen)_ **:** Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you... that is how I know you go on...

_WICKET covers his ears._

**RIKER:** Weird.

**CHIANA:** _Why_ did we come here?

**SI CWAN:** ...and I feel it in my heart that Kally is alive!

**JOTHEE** _(whining)_ **:** Are you _sure_ I can't use a holosuite?

_Cut to Garak's shop as B'ELANNA looks up._

**JOR** _(from offscreen)_ **:** Far across the distance, and spaces between us...

**B'ELANNA:** There's no hope for it now. We'll just have to hope she recovers on her own.

_Cut to hallway as NAOMI and MOLLY exchange puzzled looks._

**NAOMI:** I think that's Jor.

**MEZOTI:** Oh no. __

Cut to dark secret passages, once again lit by flashlight. ANAKIN is helpfully trying to revive AERYN by slapping her; the other two have their hands full.

**AERYN** _(coming around, groggily)_ **:** Cut it out. What happened to John? What's that?

**JOR** _(faintly)_ **:** You are there and you go on... Ooohh...

**ANAKIN:** That nasty guy got your friend, and as for the singing... um...

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! An iceberg!

**VOICE:** Maybe it's contagious.

**SEVEN:** _This_ is what Crewman Jor was doing last week.

**HARRY:** I... see.

_Obviously he doesn't._

**AERYN:** Do you have any idea which way they went?

**ANAKIN:** No. The flashlight went out in the middle of it. ****

JOR _(faintly)_ **:** Near, far, wherever you are...

**ANAKIN:** What are you guys waiting for? We follow the sound, we're out!

_He hands the flashlight to HARRY and pulls out the buzz saw._

**SEVEN:** Correct. But only if we want to be with Crewman Jor.

**ANAKIN** _(cheerfully)_ **:** Better than in here with the Scarlet Deaths!

**JOR** _(faintly)_ **:** I believe that the heart does go on...

**VOICE:** They're doomed.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 26 (about 2200 words) concerning Determined Misconceptions, the Borg Queen, _Titanic_ -itis, Drinking Buddies, Pah-wraiths, Species 8472, Miracles of Timing, and Acceleration Due to Artificial Gravity

**26**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _sickbay as SISKO opens his eyes._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Blah blah blah...

_SISKO struggles into a sitting position and looks around. He notices that something seems to be missing -- i.e. most of the crew. The only people left are JANEWAY, PICARD, CALHOUN, TUVOK, and HAN._

**SISKO:** Where'd they go?

_He staggers over to the admirals._

**SISKO:** Shut up!!

_Cut to lift with QUI-GON as the doors open and the BORG QUEEN comes in. JOSEPH SISKO immediately tries to retreat through the back of the lift. SIRELLA tries to strategically withdraw while pretending she doesn't notice; SCORPIUS doesn't care._

**VOICE:** You know, if you think about it, considering the precedents, Queenie here is sort of Scorpy's 'type'... Yuck.

**JOHN:** I don't wanna hear about it!

**QUI-GON** _(pleasantly)_ **:** Hello. Are you a member of the 'Borg' party?

_The BORG QUEEN gives him a weird look, then pulls out a compact mirror and keeps primping._

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Oh, my god.

**SIRELLA:** This man is insane.

**OBI-WAN:** Have I missed something?

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**WEYOUN:** Apparently there's someone singing on the Promenade, that's all.

_The FEMALE FOUNDER gives him a dubious look._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** We'll stay forever this way... You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on...

**VOICE:** Yup. It's contagious.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Well, make whoever it is stop.

**WEYOUN:** Of course, Founder. Jem'Hadar! Go down there and make them stop!

_KIRA and ODO are bent over the desk in a whispered conference._

**KIRA:** So if I jump the guard, you can surprise Weyoun and--

**ODO:** _He's_ not going to be a problem. If we both made a break for it, then...

_Cut to SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN crawling out onto the dark Promenade._

Cut to alarming lift opening. JOSEPH SISKO and SIRELLA remain plastered to the back until the BORG QUEEN leaves, then bolt.

**OBI-WAN:** Well, that was an interesting trip.

**QUI-GON:** All those people seemed terribly upset about something.

_SCORPIUS drags a struggling JOHN away into the Promenade._

**JOHN:** _Bleep_ you, I'm not gonna--

**QUI-GON:** Have a nice day!

_OBI-WAN looks somewhat concerned._

**OBI-WAN:** Master Qui-Gon, don't you think that man was shouting for help?

**QUI-GON:** I'm sure he was just joking.

_Cut to_ Voyager _sickbay. The ADMIRALS look insulted, but they aren't talking._

**SISKO:** Wake up!

_JANEWAY, PICARD, HAN, CALHOUN, and TUVOK sit up and look around._

**JANEWAY:** What happened?

**SISKO:** The admirals must have--

**HAN:** It was their _voices_! _(pause)_ Where did everybody go?

**SISKO:** That's what I'm wondering.

**CALHOUN:** I'll kill Jellico!

_Cut to crowded turbolift. Some of the occupants are trying to wedge the doors open._

**DATA:** I _think_ we're at the core...

**AMIDALA:** Why won't the lift doors open?

**NORVO:** It eats people.

**NEEDA:** I bet Lord Vader could open it right away! _(pause)_ Hey, is that my comm?

**KASIDY:** Oh, shut up.

**AMSHA:** What's going _on_?

**ZIRANNE:** I can't see, either!

**VALERIE:** Let _me_!

_She pushes forward and pries the doors open by herself, revealing a darkened hallway. JOR can be heard in the background._

**VALERIE:** Is that better?

_She walks out. All the others stare after her._

**JANEL:** Did you see that? She opened them on her own! Even the android couldn't!

**NORVO:** I'm just getting out of here before they close.

_Sharing the sentiment, they all get out in a rush, except for NEEDA, TK-421, and TK-422, who are clustered around a commlink._

**NEEDA:** Hello?

**DARTH VADER** _(from commlink)_ **:** Needa, where are you? You are _supposed_ to be searching this ship! __

Cut to SCORPIUS dragging JOHN up a staircase to the Promenade upper level, the music quite loud.

**JOR** _(from off-screen)_ **:** And you're here in my heart...

**JOHN:** Come on, Scorpy, don't you ever share in such wonderful sentiment? Sure, it's a sign of a horrible illness, but...

**SCORPIUS:** Stop fighting, John. You're only making it worse. Ah, yes, this should do nicely.

_They've reached one of the outlying tables from Quark's upper level. SCORPIUS handcuffs JOHN's hands to opposite sides of the table and laughs evilly._

**VOICE:** Hmm, eight-point-nine for the evil laugh, but I doubt his brain surgery's that good.

**JOHN:** Yeah, me, too. Don't you think you should get someone who, I don't know, knows what he's doing?

**SCORPIUS:** Now, where to begin?

_He gets out a brain scanner/chip linkup thingy._

**JOHN:** _Bleep_ you! __

Cut to Quark's.

**SI CWAN:** Oh, poor Kally...

**CHIANA:** Will you _shut up_? ****

LANDO: What's going on out there?

**RIKER:** I don't know... but look, some Cardassians are coming.

**LANDO:** And some stormtroopers.

**LEETA:** And some Jem'Hadar.

_She tries to pull ROM down behind the bar. The RIKERS look around nervously._

**DAMAR** _(slurred, cheerfully)_ **:** Hey, you don't need to hide. You're my good drinking buddies! Another round for everyone! And the little furry guys, too!

_The RIKERS, LANDO, ROM, LEETA, M'PELLA, JOTHEE, CHIANA, and even SI CWAN exchange glances. TEEBO pounds on the bar._

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Well, you heard what he said! Gimme my drink!

_From somewhere above, JOHN swears and SCORPIUS cackles. Reaction is instantaneous._

**CHIANA and JOTHEE** _(in unison)_ **:** _Bleep_!

_They both dive behind the bar and run into each other._

**JOTHEE:** Move it! I was here first!

**CHIANA:** _Bleep_ you were!

_The sounds of a fight begin. ROM and LEETA look down at them uncertainly._

**ROM:** I hope they don't break anything.

_Cut to other part of Promenade as part of the wall falls off. ANAKIN and the others climb through, AERYN still rubbing her head._

**ANAKIN:** There we go!

**HARRY:** We'd better hang onto Tom, or he'll wander off.

**SEVEN:** Obviously.

**TOM:** Watch out for Satan's Robot! It's going to conquer the universe!

**ANAKIN:** Uh oh... there's something evil around here.

**VOICE:** You don't say!

**TOM:** The Twin Mistresses of Evil!

**AERYN:** Do you see any sign of John?

**ANAKIN:** I'm sensing... I dunno... it's awfully hard to tell with all the dark-side stuff around! I think maybe that way.

_He points vaguely upward. AERYN sighs, then they all hear JOHN yell._

**AERYN:** _Bleep_ \-- I have to go!

_She runs off in that direction._

_Cut to Garak's shop as weapons are distributed. JOR can still be heard._ **TOM** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Run, run! I'll hold them off!

_DELL snickers._

**DELL:** Hey, Lieutenant, your boyfriend's insane.

**B'ELANNA** _(to no one in particular)_ **:** Janitor's assistant, maybe?

**JADZIA:** Sounds like he's on the Promenade... you want to take a look?

**B'ELANNA:** I'll go up to the second level, see if I can see him from there.

**JADZIA:** Fine. I'll join you in a minute or two.

_Wielding a phaser rifle, B'ELANNA heads off._

Cut to MOLLY, NAOMI, and MEZOTI climbing a spiral staircase to the upper Promenade level (some distance away from SCORPIUS).

**MOLLY:** That's really one of your crew members?

**NAOMI:** Uh huh.

**MEZOTI:** Seven of Nine has assured us it isn't contagious.

_Swing around to: out over the Promenade, JOR is flying around on the glider, flapping ferociously. 'My Heart Will Go on' is blaring from the boom box._

**JOR:** You're here, there's nothing I fear, for I know that my heart will go on...

_Cut to the kids on walkway._

**MOLLY:** Well, we have really strange officers, too... look, here comes one now.

_LOVESTRUCK races up._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Have any of you seen Colonel Kira?

_Cut to SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN clawing its way up a wall hanging._

Cut to lower corridors, dark.

**JACEN:** No, I'm sure we've been through here before. See that pile of rubble?

**JAINA:** Jacen, we've seen _dozens_ of piles of rubble. I don't think we passed that one.

**JACEN:** No, really, I recognize it. It has a very distinctive nest of power fleas.

_JAINA looks unconvinced, but concedes._

**JAINA:** So if you remember passing here, which way should we go now?

**JACEN:** Um... I'm not quite sure about that part... __

Cut to Promenade, dark.

**HARRY:** Seven! Look!

_The BORG QUEEN is quite near. SEVEN blanches._

**SEVEN:** Get L-- E-- M-- L-- him to safety. I will distract her.

**HARRY:** That's not safe!

**SEVEN:** I _know_ that!

_Cut to Promenade upper level, near Quark's, as JADZIA comes up to B'ELANNA._

**JADZIA:** Do you see your friend?

**B'ELANNA:** No, but it's so dark I'm not surprised... There are some more of the people in white armor.

**JADZIA** _(grimly)_ **:** Along with Jem'Hadar and Cardassians.

_They duck as JOR goes by overhead._

**B'ELANNA:** Would you believe this is the same person who tapes 'kick me' signs to crewmates' backs?

**JADZIA:** Actually I'm wondering what's going on over there.

_'Over there' AERYN is in something of a bind. She's got a gun pointing at SCORPIUS, but he has JOHN tied up with a link-thingy on -- mental state not at_ all _clear._

**AERYN** _(tense but under control)_ **:** John, can you hear me?

**JOHN** _(anything but under control)_ **:** ...flag was still there...

_Back with B'ELANNA and JADZIA, LOVESTRUCK rushes up._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Commander Dax! Commander Dax! Have you seen Colonel Kira?!

**VOICE:** Lt. Lovestruck has three cousins who are in love with you, Jadzia.

**JADZIA:** You shut up. No, I haven't. _(to B'ELANNA)_ Who's that? She's wearing a _Voyager_ uniform.

_She nods towards VALERIE, who's climbing the stairs._

**B'ELANNA:** I don't know. We only have one commander on board, and that isn't him... I can't say I've seen her before... Wait, that couldn't possibly be...

_She trails off, frowning._

**JADZIA:** What?

_Cut to SCORPIUS, still smiling, backing off a little ways._

**SCORPIUS:** Very well, Officer Sun. Let him go. He's mine anyway.

**VOICE:** Got a receipt?

_AERYN says nothing and begins undoing one set of handcuffs._

**JOHN** _(heartfelt)_ **:** Thanks.

**AERYN** _(grim)_ **:** We aren't out of here yet. __

Cut to other part of upper level with MOLLY, NAOMI, and MEZOTI.

**NAOMI:** Look, there's Lieutenant Torres.

**MOLLY:** And Lieutenant Commander Dax. They don't look like they need rescuing.

**MEZOTI:** Except possibly from your demented security forces.

**NAOMI:** Uh oh. Look. It's another one of those eyeless things.

_SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN drops off the wall hanging to the Promenade walkway._

**NAOMI:** Its _ears_ are glowing.

**MOLLY:** Oh _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Language!

_MOLLY dives under a table, MEZOTI stands her ground, curious, and NAOMI starts to run towards the two adults._

**NAOMI:** Lieutenant Torres! Help!

_B'ELANNA and JADZIA turn to look._

Cut to other staircase as SEVEN pounds up just ahead of the BORG QUEEN, who's still somehow applying mascara.

**NAOMI** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Help! It's some kind of -- thing...

**SEVEN:** Naomi!

**BORG QUEEN:** Come on! _(puff, puff)_ Wait for me!

_Just as they're running past, AERYN is reaching for the second set of handcuffs. However, the BORG QUEEN clips the table and sends it sliding towards the others. AERYN goes after it quickly, but makes the mistake of turning her back on SCORPIUS, who hits her hard and knocks her over the railing._

**AERYN:** Oh, _bleep_!

**SCORPIUS:** Got you again, Officer Sun.

**JOHN:** _No_!

_He somehow manages to flip over and grab AERYN's hand; he's now half-hanging off the walkway as well, almost suspended by the remaining handcuff to the table._

**SCORPIUS:** John, let go. _Let go_. __

Cut to walkway with B'ELANNA, who's pointing at VALERIE.

**B'ELANNA:** I _have_ seen you before. You're a Species 8472!

**VALERIE:** Who me? Look out, Borg!

_NAOMI skids into B'ELANNA and grabs her knees; B'ELANNA grabs the railing for support. A chair falls noisily off the walkway._

Cut to Quark's, below (muffled fighting noises continuing to come from under the bar), as the chair narrowly misses TEEBO.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Yikes!

**LANDO:** Those people are going to be next!

**ROM:** Look, it's Dax!

_Cut back up to walkway as SEVEN runs up. NAOMI immediately grabs her instead._

**NAOMI:** Seven, _help_! It's an eyeless thing with glowing ears!

**JADZIA** _(shocked)_ **:** Oh, no.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Oh, no! I have to save Colonel Kira!

**JADZIA:** Save _her_?! What about _me_?

**B'ELANNA:** Seven, that's a Species--

**SEVEN:** _That's_ the Borg Queen!

**BORG QUEEN:** Hey, do you want to be assimilated? It's _really_ _cool_.

**VALERIE:** No, I do _not_! And I'm not a Species 8472, I'm Commander Will-- I mean, Valerie Archer!

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, _bleep_ , did she just start to say William Riker?

_Down below:_

**RIKERS:** What?!

_Back above:_

**SCORPIUS:** Let go, John!

**JOHN** _(fighting it and not really visible from pretty much under the table)_ **:** No--

**AERYN** _(strained)_ **:** John, I'm all right, it's not that much of a drop--

**SCORPIUS:** Let go!

**VALERIE:** Shut up, whoever you are! ****

JADZIA: Oh, _bleep_ , that's the _Pah-wraith_ \--

**B'ELANNA:** The what?

**JADZIA:** The thing that set off the emergency alert pager! We have to run!

**SEVEN:** I believe it is called a 'corridor ghoul.' Perhaps you are hallucinating. It may be an epidemic.

**JADZIA:** No, not the eyeless thing! Well, not exactly...

**SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN:** Remember me? I'm going to get you again!

**VALERIE:** I seem to have missed something important.

**SCORPIUS:** John Crichton, let go! I command you!

**JOHN** _(out of sight)_ **:** 'S _my_ brain! Go mess wi' someone else's! ****

LOVESTRUCK _(for no immediately obvious reason)_ **:** Colonel Kira! Colonel Kira!

**BORG QUEEN:** We are the Borg! You will be assimilated! This means you, Seven-honey!

**B'ELANNA:** _Honey_?

_Several things happen at once. SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN starts blasting at JADZIA. B'ELANNA tries to grab VALERIE's sleeve. LOVESTRUCK grabs the table (with handcuff) to steady himself. SEVEN, with NAOMI, tries to back away from the BORG QUEEN, who imperiously pushes SCORPIUS out of her way and clear over to the the other side of the walkway._

**SCORPIUS:** Hey! Watch it-- __

Focus on SEVEN's foot as she misses the walkway.

**VOICE:** Oops... Seven-honey.

_SEVEN grabs B'ELANNA's arm for support and pulls_ her _off balance as JADZIA is knocked into VALERIE, who in turn lurches out of control._

**NAOMI:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_VALERIE hits the railing. It buckles. VALERIE, B'ELANNA, SEVEN, JADZIA, NAOMI, and LOVESTRUCK go tumbling over the edge, along with the table and, by extension, JOHN and AERYN._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kiiiiiirrrraaaa!

**BORG QUEEN:** Hey, come back! __

Cut to THREEPIO looking up.

**THREEPIO:** Oh dear--

_The EWOKS dive for cover. THREEPIO takes up a new occupation as a landing pad._

CRASH!!!!

**B'ELANNA:** Ow.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 27 (about 2000 words) concerning Away Teams, Floor Shows, Uses of Jumja Sticks, Battle, Elections, Determined Misconceptions, Flying Borg, Small Children, and Being AWOL

**27**  


  
_Open on_ Defiant _bridge._

**CHAKOTAY:** All right, assemble an away team. Somebody wake her up.

_He indicates TROI, unconscious on the floor._

**NEELIX:** I hope not too much happened while we were gone.

**EZRI:** Other than the station getting taken over?

**QUARK:** I hope the bar's okay.

**LUKE:** Something very bad is happening there.

**WORF:** I hope Jadzia is all right.

**ZHAAN:** I hope... well... never mind.

_STARK pats her hand._

_The away team, assembled, seems to consist of all of them, even BURGOYNE._

**VOICE:** Well, they certainly can't leave hir alone on the ship! __

Cut to Promenade walkway above Quark's as SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN keeps zapping. For lack of any other target, it hits SCORPIUS and the BORG QUEEN, both of whom seem more annoyed than distressed.

**BORG QUEEN:** Hey! You're ruining my lipstick!

_Swing slowly down into Quark's to the remains of THREEPIO's throne (plus the fallen table) as EWOKS scramble out of the wreckage and bolt._

**THREEPIO** _(from the bottom of the pile)_ **:** Oh _dear_ , oh dear.

**NAOMI:** I want Mommy.

**VALERIE:** _Bleep_. _Bleep_. _Bleep_.

_JADZIA groans. B'ELANNA struggles into a sitting position and looks around dazedly._

**B'ELANNA:** That hurt.

**SEVEN:** I am aware of that. Naomi Wildman. Please let go of me.

**JOHN** _(muffled, dazed, from nearly the bottom)_ **:** Aeryn? Aeryn?

**LOVESTRUCK** _(apropos of nothing)_ **:** Don't worry, Colonel, I'll save you!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Bravo! Bravo!

_He's clapping._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** The floor shows here keep getting better and better! I'll buy another round for everyone!

_This seems to shock the spectators into action._

**SI CWAN:** How ignoble.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Will you shut up?

**RIKER:** Oh, no, it's that Lovestruck idiot.

**LEETA:** Commander Dax!

_She runs over to the heap, not without looking up nervously at the action above. In the meantime, fighting noises continue to come from under the bar._

Cut to Garak's.

**JAKE:** I don't know what just happened, but I'm really glad I wasn't over there.

**NOG:** But I think Lt. Commander Dax was! I heard her yell.

**JAKE:** Oh, _bleep_.

_He starts to head across the Promenade, but GARAK pulls him back._

**GARAK:** Those Cardassians would as soon shoot you as look at you. You'll just get killed.

**JAKE:** We can't just stand here!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**CRUSHER:** Computer, I don't suppose you have a scissors handy?

**RO:** You are ridiculous.

**ROBIN:** Help! Help!

**RO:** And you are stupid.

**CRUSHER:** Do you have any better ideas? We're the only people on the ship, and--

_The turbolift behind them opens and PATTERSON comes out._

**PATTERSON:** Doctor Crusher?

_Cut to Promenade walkway as the BORG QUEEN is knocked backwards by the zapping._

**BORG QUEEN:** I'll get you for this!

_She catches onto JOR's ankles._

**JOR:** Love-- Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_SCORPIUS has also been flung backwards;_ he _grabs onto the BORG QUEEN's ankles. This doesn't make JOR any happier. With both of them in tow, she flaps frantically about the Promenade, still shrieking, while the instrumental music blares._

**JANEL:** It's a _Borg_!

**NORVO:** A _flying_ Borg! __

JANEL, NORVO, and ZIRANNE run for cover and wind up behind a glop-on-a-stick kiosk, where they are soon joined by JAR JAR.

**ZIRANNE:** What is _that_?!

**JAR JAR:** Mesa Jar Jar-- Mmmf!

_NORVO stuffs a jumja stick in JAR JAR's mouth._

**VOICE:** There was much rejoicing. __

Also on the Promenade, still dark, STORMTROOPERS and JEM'HADAR have started shooting at each other. CARDASSIANS seem to be firing at nothing in particular.

**NORVO:** I think that one's using a water phaser.

_Cut to group outside Garak's as DELL gets squirted in the eye._

**DELL:** Hey! Lieutenant Torres! Help! I got squirted!

**NOG:** Shut up!

_Cut to TAIN, SELA, JENAVIAN, and KOVAL regarding KEBRON, who's standing in the middle of a hall._

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**JENAVIAN:** What _is_ it?

**TAIN:** I'm not sure.

**SELA:** A... a Brikar, I think...

**KOVAL** _(dubiously)_ **:** It's wearing a Starfleet uniform. Should we capture it?

**TAIN:** It's very big.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

_There is a brief pause as they digest this._

**SELA:** Well... We ought to consult Luther about this one.

**TAIN:** I wish he'd hurry up.

**SELA:** You can't hurry revenge. You know that. __

Cut to SLOAN sneaking along a hallway. The commotion is dying away in the background. SLOAN pulls out a tricorder and scans, then heads off.

Cut to SCORPIUS losing his grip on the BORG QUEEN's ankles and landing in a heap just outside the Bajoran shrine.

**JOR** _(from above, with music)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Oooohhh... an eight-point-nine from the East Cardassian judge!

_The BORG QUEEN keeps her position on JOR's ankles and they fly off._

**SCORPIUS:** Why, those -- errrrr--

_He turns and stalks into the shrine._

**SCORPIUS:** I'll get him yet--

**VOICE:** Tsk, tsk! Can't you read the sign?

_The sign in question reads:_ Bajoran Temple: Absolutely NO Pah-wraiths, cultists, oppressors, militaristic Cardassians, Vorta, or other evil individuals allowed. This means YOU _._

Cut to Ops, half-lit, as QUI-GON and OBI-WAN come in.

**QUI-GON** _(to JEM'HADAR)_ **:** Excuse me, may I speak to whoever's running the station while the elections are held?

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit, as the JEM'HADAR comes over to WEYOUN._

**JEM'HADAR:** There's a crazy human out here who wants you to vote for him.

**ALL:** Wants _what_?

**KIRA:** Oh, Prophets, this recall business has gotten _so_ out of control...

_Cut to LORE grabbing ICHEB and pulling him into the turboshaft._

**CROSIS:** Oooooohh! A damaged drone!

**ICHEB:** Release me! __

Cut to (dark) replimat as everyone from the Defiant _, including the unconscious TROI, is beamed in._

**STARK:** That is... that's _strange_. Like being dispersed only not. ****

WORF: The lights are out.

**O'BRIEN:** What is that _noise_?

**JOR** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**QUARK:** I can't bear to look. Is the bar all right?

**EZRI:** Be quiet, Quark.

**STARK:** What's the plan?

**ZHAAN:** Be calm.

**D'ARGO:** I have to--

**ZHAAN and STARK** _(in unison)_ **:** We know!

**WORF:** There are Jem'Hadar and Cardassians on the Promenade.

**NEELIX:** And a flying Borg!

**SHELBY:** Flying...?

**CHAKOTAY:** Hanging on to Jor's ankles. That explains the shrieking, anyway. Oh, no.

**LUKE:** Stormtroopers, too... where _are_ the kids?

_On cue, KIRAYOSHI, NOMI, and WAN-WAN come out from under a table, where they were hiding._

**KIRAYOSHI:** Daddy, did you see the flying Borg?

**NOMI:** Uncle Luke, Wan-Wan was singing that song again!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a Rancor from my imagination...

**NEELIX:** What are _you_ doing here?

**O'BRIEN:** Kirayoshi! You were back on _Voyager_... Is Molly here?

**KIRAYOSHI:** She and the others went to look around. I haven't seen them since before all the yelling started.

**O'BRIEN:** Oh, bloody hell.

**VOICE:** I guess that one didn't rate a _bleep_ , eh, Miles?

**STARK:** This is not going well!

_Cut to ANAKIN and HARRY dragging TOM into the Klingon deli._

**HARRY:** We'll hide in here for now. I hope Seven's okay. Blech... what a smell.

**ANAKIN:** Jacen would be horrified.

**TOM:** Watch out... it's the Brain Probe!

_Cut to random hallway with AZAN &REBI, hurrying along._

**VOICE:** Now, they don't really speak to each other very much. Honestly, I think they were a little weird before they were assimilated. __

Cut to random hallway.

**WESLEY:** Listen! I think it's a Borg.

**JOR** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**PATRICK:** No, that's just a screaming person.

**BASHIR:** Look, if people are hurt, I need to be there. I'm a _doctor_ , I have to go.

**JACK:** Is that so, hmm, hmm, hmm?

**LAUREN:** Maybe we should take him there.

**JACK:** But we'll take him back when he's done! That'll work.

**BASHIR:** Uh, whatever you say.

_Just then, SLOAN steps out of a side passage and grabs him._

**VOICE:** Twice in one day? That's bad even for you, Julian.

**JACK:** Hey! You can't do that! _We've_ kidnapped him!

**BASHIR:** Guess I'm in high demand. _(he looks sideways to see who's grabbed him, and when he does--)_ Oh, _bleep_.

**SLOAN** _(viciously)_ **:** Yes, I'm going to _get_ you.

**LAUREN:** Do you know him?

**BASHIR** _(somewhere between horror and incredulity)_ **:** We've met.

**JACK:** He looks mean.

_JACK and LAUREN look at each other. They tense, but before they can jump, SLOAN pulls out a phaser and holds it to BASHIR's head._

**SLOAN:** One move, and I'll kill him. Thank you for tying him up so conveniently.

**WESLEY:** Don't worry! We'll come save you!

**BASHIR:** Thanks for the thought, Wesley, but I don't think that's a good idea.

_SLOAN hauls him away._

Cut to Quark's as ROM, LEETA, LANDO, and the RIKERS pull people off the pile. (CHIANA and JOTHEE are still audibly death-dueling for the spot farthest under the bar.) LOVESTRUCK is running around the bar, and B'ELANNA, SEVEN, VALERIE, and NAOMI are just a little bruised -- NAOMI even hung on to the Flotter doll -- but AERYN landed on THREEPIO and is out cold, JOHN is very disoriented, mumbling, and still handcuffed to the table, and JADZIA appears semiconscious.

**RIKER:** What a mess!

**LEETA:** Poor Commander Dax. I hope she doesn't die again!

**B'ELANNA:** Well, so do I, but what happened exactly? And who are these people?

_She indicates JOHN and AERYN._

**JOHN** _(unhelpfully)_ **:** C'mon, wake up, be okay, you have to. I haven't let go.

_Indeed, he's still got AERYN's hand in a death grip._

**VOICE:** Though if you _had_ let go she might not have been under everything else.

**JOHN** _(firmly)_ **:** I am _not_ listening to any more disembodied voices.

**SEVEN:** I believe they were present at the abortive cultural conference. The unconscious one is 'Aeryn Sun,' the mentally unstable one is 'John Crichton.'

**B'ELANNA:** Whatever. Why is he handcuffed to the table?

**THOMAS RIKER:** Beats me. The lady looks like she hit her head on the yellow robot, and Commander Dax is in some sort of shock.

**THREEPIO:** It's not my fault. And see, my other leg broke off. Isn't anyone worried about me?

**LANDO:** Not really, Goldenrod.

_He tosses the other leg onto the bar._

**LOVESTRUCK** _(nothing if not persistent)_ **:** Colonel Kira! Colonel Kira!

**NAOMI:** That... eyeless thing's still up there.

**SEVEN:** It is leaving. _Don't_ scream. I wonder where Ensign Kim went.

**B'ELANNA** _(disbelievingly)_ **:** You left Harry on his own?

**SEVEN:** We were being followed by the Borg Queen at the time. And he isn't alone.

**ROM:** Shouldn't we get a doctor for Commander Dax?

**B'ELANNA:** Great idea. I left mine on _Voyager_.

_Cut to Garak's as ANI, AMIDALA, and all the HANDMAIDENS skid in and dive for cover._

**ANI:** There are lots of people shooting out there!

**NOG:** Where'd all of _you_ come from?

**ANI:** Tatooine.

**AMIDALA:** Is it any safer in here? And has anyone seen a pair of Jedi Knights?

**ANI:** What about Jar Jar?

**AMIDALA:** Forget Jar Jar. I have just spent _much_ too much time trapped in a lift with a bunch of _very_ strange people--

**JAKE** _(proudly)_ **:** Our specialty.

**AMIDALA:** Do they normally wear crappy disguises?

**JAKE:** Might've been a Maquis.

**AMIDALA:** It was an _android_.

**JAKE:** Oh, then that was Data. He's from the _Enterprise_ , though.

**AMIDALA:** Not to mention -- what the _bleep_...?

_What else; JOR and the BORG QUEEN have just gone past._

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**BORG QUEEN:** Locutus! Locutus, my love!

**HANDMAIDENS:** Protect the queen!

_They all pile in front of and on top of AMIDALA._

**AMIDALA:** Mmf!

**GARAK:** Hmm.

**JAKE:** I'm gonna puke.

**NOG:** The world is ending.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**RO:** So you've all been sitting in Ten-Forward with Guinan this _whole time_?

**PATTERSON** _(cheerfully)_ **:** Yup!

**RO:** Good grief.

**ROBIN:** Help! Help!

**PATTERSON:** What's the matter with _her_?

**CRUSHER:** Never mind. Patterson, I have a _mission_ for you.

**PATTERSON:** Right away, Doctor! I'm the officer in charge of radishes!

**CRUSHER:** Of course. Now, can you go down to the playroom and bring back some scissors?

**PATTERSON:** Of course, Doctor!

_He salutes and leaves._

**RO:** Why didn't you just tell him to get Guinan?

**CRUSHER:** Oh, no, you're right.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. SISKO, JANEWAY, PICARD, CALHOUN, the ADMIRALS, KAI WINN, HAN, LEIA, MARA, GEORDI, MCHENRY, TUVOK, the Bajoran MONK, and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI are standing around. GEORDI and MARA look rather sheepish._

**GEORDI:** Honestly, sir, we had no way of waking you up...

**PICARD:** Yes, you've said so several times now.

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Oh, I'm getting a headache.

**MARA:** You and everyone else.

**JANEWAY** _(to ADMIRALS)_ **:** What do you mean, we can't leave? My entire senior staff is back there! Well, except for Tuvok.

**SISKO:** So's mine! _And_ my ship, not to mention my station.

**CALHOUN:** And I have to get in on the fight!

**KAI WINN:** Er, we must do as... as somebody wills.

**MONK:** Eminence?

**NECHEYEV:** Yes, I can sympathize with all of you. And we'll go after them as soon as we get the desertion charges ready.

_The CAPTAINS look at each other._

**CAPTAINS:** Desertion charges?

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Of course! They must have spent too much time with my worthless son. They're AWOL. _(to PICARD)_ That's Away With Out Leave, young man.

**PICARD:** I _know_ that--

**SISKO:** Oh, _bleep_.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 28 (about 2100 words) concerning More Rescue Missions, Amateur Medicine, Justifications for Court-Martials, and Doofuses

**28**  


  
_Open on STORMTROOPERS and JEM'HADAR shooting at each other on the Promenade, still dark._

Cut to Klingon deli, semidark. HARRY has found a broom and is trying to clean up the gagh _, TOM is lying on the floor muttering, and ANAKIN in playing the video game._

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

HARRY reaches down to feel TOM's forehead.

**HARRY** _(worried)_ **:** He has a fever.

**ANAKIN:** Of _course_ he has a fever. He got bit by a Scarlet Death. Fever, hallucinations, the whole deal. Talon Karrde told us he once saw some people who got bit go into convulsions so severe they dislocated all their joints.

**HARRY:** Oh, no.

_Cut to replimat as JOR sails by outside._

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Jack, Jack, save me! The iceberg has got me! Help!

**BORG QUEEN:** Locutus, my love!

**EZRI:** I am having a terrible nightmare.

**NEELIX:** Then I am, too.

**O'BRIEN** _(hopefully)_ **:** Could be a mass hallucination.

**EZRI:** The Borg and the glider, yes. But _that_?

**WAN-WAN:** ...when he comes to play with us he's a Rancor sensation...

**NOMI:** Uncle Luke! Make him stop!

**LUKE:** Wan-Wan, stop. Now if we sort of snuck out that way--

**WORF:** We'll run into the Cardassians.

**CHAKOTAY:** Not if we-- Yes, Kes?

**KES:** Commander, I was trying to tell you, I think there's a Species 8472 on the station.

_CHAKOTAY groans._

**WORF:** A what?

**D'ARGO:** I don't care, I just have to find my son!

_JOR and the BORG QUEEN sail by._

**BORG QUEEN:** I am the Borg!

**SHELBY:** I _hate_ that!

**WAN-WAN:** ...Rory can be your friend too if you just...

**NOMI:** Uncle Luke! It didn't work!

_Cut to random hallway._

**PATRICK:** Oh, no! That mean man's going to kill Dr. Bashir!

**WESLEY:** Well, I'll save him! _(pause)_ Well, maybe not by myself. Who are you, anyway?

**JACK:** We're mutants!

**LAUREN:** _Genetically enhanced_ mutants... can't you tell?

_WESLEY stares briefly in horror, then looks down._

**WESLEY:** Er... I don't suppose _you_ know anything about rescuing?

**JACK:** Of course we do! Why do you ask, hmm, hmm, hmm? Why?

**LAUREN:** Because he wants to help a fellow Starfleet officer but knows he can't do it by himself, especially since he doesn't even have a phaser.

**PATRICK:** But we _don't_ know anything about rescuing!

**JACK:** We know lots about escaping, don't we, hmm, hmm, hmm? Same thing from the other side.

**LAUREN:** We'll have him back in no time at all. Come on, handsome.

_Putting a hand on the somewhat overwhelmed WESLEY's arm, she leads them all down the hall._

**VOICE:** And as you can see, Wesley has learned a valuable lesson. __

Cut to Quark's (the Titanic _music is still audible, and the under-the-bar fight has not slackened). JOHN remains handcuffed to the toppled table, which is already being incorporated by the EWOKS into THREEPIO's new throne. However, he is stretched out as far as he can and still clutching AERYN's hand. JADZIA is lying on a table; a medical-team-by-committee is examining her while LOVESTRUCK runs madly around the room._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Kiiiiiirrrraaaa!

_THOMAS RIKER is trying to get AERYN some help, too, but there is one complication. He whacks JOHN's wrist; this fails to work. He attempts reasoning; no effect. Finally he waves for help, and SEVEN forcibly pries JOHN's fingers loose. They bring AERYN over to the ersatz examining table._

**THOMAS RIKER:** I think this is a pretty standard concussion, but I don't know what's the matter with Commander Dax. ****

ROM: She doesn't look good.

**NAOMI:** What's wrong with her?

**B'ELANNA:** _I_ don't know. Some kind of energy burns? I'm not a doctor!

**SEVEN:** Why are you looking at me?

**B'ELANNA:** Haven't you assimilated any medical information, Seven?

**SEVEN:** I am not a medical drone!

**VALERIE:** Don't look at me, I'm not even humanoid--

**RIKER:** I've been meaning to ask someone about that--

_They all turn to look as a dying JEM'HADAR falls into Quark's._

**M'PELLA:** Yuck. __

They turn back to JADZIA.

**RIKER:** Well, I don't know, but she doesn't seem to be getting any worse.

**LANDO:** We could try some aspirin.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Give her a good drink, that'll cure anything.

**THOMAS RIKER** _(wearily)_ **:** Yeah, yeah, why don't you go back to yours.

**LEETA** _(close to tears)_ **:** Doesn't _anybody_ have any medical experience?

**THREEPIO:** Ah, excuse me?

_They all turn to look at him._

**B'ELANNA:** What?

**THREEPIO:** I do think I should mention that Logray _is_ the medicine man for the Ewok village...

**LANDO:** Oh, no.

**RIKER:** No. Out of the question.

**CHIANA** _(muffled, from under the bar)_ **:** Take that, you _bleep_ ed _bleep_ ing _bleep_ \--

**JOTHEE** _(muffled, from under the bar)_ **:** Oh yeah? How about this, you little _bleep_ ing _bleep_ _bleep_ \--

**VALERIE:** So who's under there, anyway?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**CRUSHER** _(fretfully)_ **:** What's taking him so long?

**RO:** Maybe there are white-armor people in the turbolifts and he's using the Jefferies tubes.

**CRUSHER:** I wish he'd crawl faster.

**ROBIN:** I'm scared.

**RO:** He's so short, he can probably _walk_.

_Cut to Garak's as JOR and the BORG QUEEN go past again._

**BORG QUEEN:** Locutus! Locutus!

**NOG:** I _wish_ she'd shut up.

**JAKE:** If wishes were fishes there'd be no room on the menu for chicken.

_Several people give him weird looks._

**NOG:** I could _swear_ I just heard Worf's voice, from over by the replimat. And Uncle Quark.

**JAKE:** Could be worse. It could be Kai Winn.

**GARAK:** Oh, yes.

**NOG:** Uh, I didn't mean that as a bad thing.

**ANI:** Where's Qui-Gon?

**AMIDALA:** I don't _know_.

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room. The ADMIRALS are at the table; all others are standing around._

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Deserting their rightful posts in a time of war...

**PICARD:** Wait, you can't--

**NECHEYEV:** And don't forget theft of Starfleet property, Owen. A ship and a shuttle.

**GEORDI:** The _kids_ took the shuttle.

**ROSS:** Don't you think that some other things are just a _little_ more important right now?

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Theft of a _Defiant_ -class starship and a, er, _Delta_ -class shuttle...

**GEORDI:** But they _didn't_ take the shuttle, the _kids_ took the shuttle--

**JELLICO:** Obeying the orders of Mackenzie Calhoun--

**CALHOUN:** Why, you--

**JANEWAY:** Er, couldn't we save this until later -- like when we know if the charged are even alive to _be_ charged?

**PICARD:** Excellent point, Captain Janeway!

**SISKO:** I quite agree. And, er, you can't exactly charge Quark with deserting, he isn't in Starfleet.

**LEIA:** Neither is Luke.

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Don't forget snoring during an admiral's speech! And not paying attention!

_ADMIRALS NECHEYEV and PARIS look at ADMIRAL BOREN, then at each other._

**NECHEYEV:** Maybe not just yet.

**JANEWAY** _(looking over ADMIRAL PARIS's shoulder)_ **:** Tuvok's still here, sir.

**SISKO:** Er, you can't charge Lt. Commander Dax with deserting, either, you _ordered_ me to leave her behind on the station. And about Dr. Bashir... are you sure now is the best time to dredge up that genetic enhancement business?

**PICARD:** Dr. Crusher didn't desert, she missed the ship! There's a difference.

**JANEWAY:** The same thing applies to my crew... ah, no, actually I'm pretty sure Seven _wasn't_ at Wolf 359.

**JELLICO:** But _first_ , let's court-martial Calhoun!

_Cut to random room, darkened. BASHIR is tied to a chair, watching as SLOAN unpacks a case, taking out all sorts of unpleasant-looking devices._

**BASHIR** _(muttered)_ **:** Oh, this figures. The station's been taken over by two or three different groups of people, most of the senior staff is gone and the rest is separated, main power's out, and there's a _bleep_ ed _Pah-wraith_ on the station, and where am I? Stuck here with Mister Subverting the Federation's Principles While Claiming to Protect Its Interests, who wants _revenge_. This just _figures_. And why doesn't he ever rate an alert on the Senior Staff Emergency Alert Pager, huh?

_Cut to JACEN and JAINA in the lower corridors._

**JAINA:** Wait, this is looking a bit more familiar. Okay. I think we can manage from here all right.

**JACEN:** I'm still worried about Snookums. Something -- Jack the Ripper!

_He runs to JACK THE RIPPER's unconscious body and cradles the corridor ghoul in his arms._

**JACEN:** Oh, you poor baby, are you okay? What happened?

**JAINA:** Jacen, please! I think there are other people here!

_A door cracks open and SOLETA, KEIKO, and WILDMAN peer out._

**WILDMAN:** Weird.

**JAINA:** You're embarrassing me!

_Cut to TAHIRI and NASHIRA sitting around in a hallway._

**NASHIRA:** I _never_ get to see anything interesting.

**TAHIRI:** Quit complaining. It could be worse.

_Cut to an_ Enterprise _hallway with DARTH VADER and TK-421._

**TK-421:** I searched the entire ship, Lord Vader! There was no one left on board! I couldn't find TK-423, either...

**DARTH VADER:** Good. I'm sensing something strange--

**TK-421:** From the donut?

**DARTH VADER:** It's a _station_. And I think Skywalker's on it.

**TK-421:** I'll help find you him, Lord Vader!

**DARTH VADER** _(hastily)_ **:** No. You, TK-422, and Captain Needa stay here and patrol the ship.

**TK-421:** Really, Lord Vader? I mean, yes, sir!

_Swing away through a door to Ten-Forward, where GUINAN, MARISSA, and JAY GORDON are sitting._

**MARISSA:** Guinan, I think all those people are crazy.

**GUINAN:** You're probably right.

**JAY GORDON:** We're all gonna die.

_Cut to lower corridors. JENAVIAN, SELA, KOVAL, and TAIN are attempting to capture KEBRON. They've stuck handcuffs on him, but he simply isn't moving._

**JENAVIAN:** I mean, we're sure it's conscious, right?

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SELA:** You idiot, you're captured!

**TAIN:** All right, you strong young Romulans can carry him.

_The two strong young Romulans give him dubious looks; the strong young Sebacean doesn't look too happy, either._

**TAIN:** Or we could all try to drag him. __

Cut to Quark's, distant music, fighting noises, and all.

**SI CWAN:** Why isn't anyone paying attention to _me_?!

**M'PELLA:** You figure it out, idiot.

**B'ELANNA:** I don't really know if a medicine man _counts_ \--

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** We do too count! Here, listen: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, um--

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** _Eleven_ , you doofus!

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I am not a doofus, Wicket W. Warrick! _You're_ the doofus!

_He flails at WICKET with his spear but instead thwaps JOHN._

**JOHN** _(muttered)_ **:** Critters!

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear. In Ewokese, 'doofus' is a deadly insult.

**LANDO:** We didn't really need to know that, Threepio--

_He's interrupted when a small box with lots of blinking lights flies in the door and lands in the middle of the floor._

**ROM:** Hey, who threw that?

**VALERIE:** What's--

**B'ELANNA:** It's a _grenade_ , you idiots! Get _down_!

_She dives for the floor, as do the RIKERS, NAOMI, LANDO, LEETA, and M'PELLA. Taking the more direct approach, SEVEN, with nerves of nanoprobes, pitches the grenade back out onto the Promenade._

KABOOM!!!!

Everyone still standing has been knocked to the floor, even LOVESTRUCK, and the injured slid off as well. JOHN tries to duck behind the table he's handcuffed tobut still ends up somewhat singed and bleeding from a flesh wound. The EWOKS are reacting noisily.

**DAMAR** _(slurred, clapping)_ **:** I love fireworks!

**LEETA:** That's dangerous!

**THOMAS RIKER:** It's a grenade, it's _supposed_ to be.

**SI CWAN:** How dare anyone throw a grenade at me!

**ROM:** Maybe we should get Dax to somewhere safe.

**B'ELANNA:** Listen, he said something sensible. Where?

**LEETA:** Um, the holosuites?

_A much-the-worse-for-wear JOTHEE immediately pops up from behind the bar._

**JOTHEE:** Holosuites?

_A hand attempts to pull him back down, then CHIANA appears._

**CHIANA:** What, are you too scared to-- _Bleep_! Crichton! Aeryn! What happened to _you_ two?!

_She vaults over the bar, nearly landing on RIKER, and kneels by AERYN._

**CHIANA:** What's the matter with her?

**SEVEN:** A concussion; she will recover. Unfortunately hers seems to be the only injury present that is straightforward.

**JOHN** _(mumbling, nowhere near the key)_ **:** Daisy Daisy...

**CHIANA** _(looking at him)_ **:** Oh, _bleep_. Looks like Scorpius got him. Crichton? Crichton, can you hear me?

**JOHN** _(falsely calm)_ **:** Yes, Chiana, it's just that I can also hear some _other_ stuff.

**LOVESTRUCK:** I have to save--

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Shut up!

_The group is joined by MEZOTI, coming down from the upper level._

**MEZOTI:** Are you all right, Naomi?

**NAOMI:** I'm fine.

**SEVEN:** Are all the children wandering the station?

**MEZOTI and NAOMI** _(guiltily)_ **:** Yes, Seven.

_Meanwhile..._

**JOTHEE:** All right, holosuites, where do I sign up?

**CHIANA:** Can't you see we have bigger problems here?!

_Cut to SCORPIUS plotting something nefarious in the temple. Some MONKS don't seem to have noticed him._

Cut to Ops office as a JEM'HADAR reports in. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON are in the office.

**JEM'HADAR:** Vorta, there are a lot of people on the station. We can't get to the singing person. We're being shot at by people in white armor.

**KIRA:** This is absurd.

**JEM'HADAR:** And some people beamed into the replimat.

**QUI-GON:** Beamed... What about the elections?

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** _What_ elections?

**QUI-GON:** The elections for station commander! I thought you were the candidate of the 'Dominion' party.

_KIRA and ODO exchange bewildered glances. WEYOUN frowns._

**WEYOUN:** You were misinformed--

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Everything's alright, yes, everything's alright--

**VOICE:** So it thinks.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 29 (about 1900 words) concerning Holosuites, More Amateur Medicine, Kiddie Safe-T Scissors, Idiots With Grenades, and More Court-Martials

**29**  


  
_Open on random room as SLOAN gets out a Romulan memory scanner and goes over to put it on BASHIR._

**BASHIR:** Er, remember, those don't actually work on me--

**SLOAN:** No, these are New! Improved! memory scanners. See?

_He displays the case._

**BASHIR:** Um. And Section 31 is after me again because...?

**SLOAN:** Oh, this isn't really a Section 31 thing. I'm here with my club.

**BASHIR:** Your... club?

**SLOAN:** Well, more of a reunion, I guess.

_Cut to Quark's as VALERIE carries JADZIA and SEVEN carries AERYN up the stairs. (Down below, CHIANA is trying to get JOHN up, but is foiled by the table to which he's still handcuffed.) ROM leads the way; B'ELANNA, MEZOTI, and NAOMI are following, trailed by some of the EWOKS and CINDEL; LANDO is dragging THREEPIO up by his knee; JOTHEE is practically stepping on THREEPIO in his eagerness to see the holosuite._

**JOTHEE:** Oh boy oh boy oh boy--

**THREEPIO** _(bumping along upside-down)_ **:** Oh, dear.

**VALERIE:** Could you hurry up?

**ROM:** This is Vic Fontaine's holosuite. We can put Commander Dax and the wounded lady in here for now.

**B'ELANNA:** With the other noncombatants. Wait, a _holosuite_?

**ROM:** Er, well, Vic's special. He's sentient.

**B'ELANNA:** Oh. I just hope he's better company than our doctor. I wish the doctor were here anyway.

_The door opens. They go into the lounge. VIC is on the stage; XYON and KALINDA at one of the tables, still in swimsuits, necking; the CARDASSIAN TECH is sitting at another table, engrossed in reading a Cardassian-style padd._

**XYON:** Butt out!

**VALERIE:** Quiet, whoever you are.

**VIC:** Hey-- What happened?

**ROM:** Well, it's complicated. These people--

**B'ELANNA:** There's a war on the Promenade and we have no doctor. We need somewhere out of the way to put the wounded... and the kids.

**LANDO:** And Goldenrod.

**VALERIE:** What about me?

**B'ELANNA:** Species 8472 spies are _not_ noncombatants.

**VALERIE:** How would you know?

**B'ELANNA:** Just call it an educated guess. Why is there a Cardassian in here?

**VIC:** He says he just wants a quiet place to catch up on his newsgroups. Seems harmless enough.

**B'ELANNA:** ...Huh.

_JOTHEE is looking around, rather disappointed._

**VOICE:** Oh, don't be disappointed, Jothee. After all, it's got music and drapes.

**VIC:** All right, you can count on me.

**XYON:** Fighting! I ought to go down--

**KALINDA** _(grabbing his arm)_ **:** You can't! You'll only start fighting my brother!

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** All right, Logray, you'll be safe here with the Great Golden God.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** We'll hold off the invaders!

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Good. I'm relying on you two -- so _no fighting_.

_Cut to above Promenade as JOR soars around._

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Jack!

**VOICE:** She's losing some style, with these additional words -- only about a seven-point-five.

**BORG QUEEN:** Get me down! I'm going to _assimilate_ that little eyeless thing! __

Cut to upper level of Quark's, where MOLLY is still hiding under a table. RIKER comes up.

**RIKER:** Hey, Molly? Molly O'Brien?

**MOLLY** _(suspiciously)_ **:** Are you the _real_ Commander Riker?

**RIKER:** Yeah, honest! I'll even show you Thomas Riker if you want. But right now it isn't very safe--

_There's an explosion. The walkway shakes._

**RIKER:** So why don't you get in the holosuite with the other kids?

**MOLLY** _(sighs extravagantly)_ **:** Okay.

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room._

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** And three hundred forty-two counts of gross disobedience...

**JANEWAY** _(whispered, to SISKO)_ **:** For your _counselor_?

**SISKO** _(glumly)_ **:** You should see the rest of my crew.

**JANEWAY:** I shudder to think what will happen when they get to B'Elanna -- and Seven. They think obedience is for sissies.

**CALHOUN** _(proudly)_ **:** Well, _I_ have eight thousand, seven hundred ninety-four counts of gross disobedience, and another four hundred nine of _revolting_ disobedience.

_The comm beeps._

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** The is Moya's Pilot. Am I reaching the starship _Voyager_?

**JANEWAY:** Yes, you are. May I help you?

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Well, we'd just been under the impression that a group would be heading back soon.

**JANEWAY:** So were we.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** You mean some of the station's defenders are still here? Catch them immediately! Well, of _course_ they have phasers!

**KIRA:** And here I'd thought we only had slingshots.

**TOOTHY:** Hey, Chomper, is this gold stuff any good to drink?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** If I were a rich man, diddy diddy diddy diddy diddy diddy diddy dum... All day long I'd biddy biddy bum, if I were a wealthy man...

**CHOMPER:** Nope. Let's have another chew on the leg-of-droid.

_Cut to Klingon deli._

**HARRY:** I think Seven's in the bar. If we can just get over there...

**ANAKIN:** Then _she'll_ get rid of the Scarlet Death venom? By magic?

**HARRY:** Look, if you don't have anything helpful to say--

**TOM:** Not to interrupt this breathtaking debate, but -- _ow_? What is the recommended remedy?

**ANAKIN:** Um, well, when we get bit, we do a Jedi healing trance. And we had to put Dad in a bacta tank once. And Wookiees are resistent, apparently, only it made some of his fur fall out which was just--

**HARRY:** That's not helpful!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge. Show from the back._

**CRUSHER:** Ah, Patterson?

**PATTERSON:** Yes?

**CRUSHER:** We don't seem to be making a lot of progress.

**PATTERSON:** Sorry.

**CRUSHER:** And those white-armor people are still on the ship.

**PATTERSON:** Scary, isn't it?

**RO:** So maybe you could get a different pair of scissors?

_Cut to front view. PATTERSON is sawing away at CRUSHER's bonds with a pair of Kiddie Safe-T Scissors._

**PATTERSON:** Oh, no, Miss Deserter Lady! I'm not allowed to.

_RO groans pathetically; ROBIN whimpers._

Cut to replimat. NEELIX is checking one of the replicators.

**NEELIX:** Drat! The power's out.

**D'ARGO:** Forget the power! I--

**EVERYONE:** Have to save your son, we know, we know. ****

LUKE: Darth Vader's on the station now. He's getting closer.

_The station shakes as another grenade explodes._

**O'BRIEN:** What idiot is throwing the grenades? We're on a space station, for crying out loud!

**CHAKOTAY:** Let's hope everyone else realizes that. Did you see the one that came back out of the bar?

**QUARK:** What?!

**O'BRIEN:** Yes.

**CHAKOTAY:** That was probably Seven. She has the nerves of a -- well, of a Borg.

**SHELBY:** Could you not say things like that? I hate Borg.

**CHAKOTAY:** Well--

_Cut to room off lower corridors. JACEN and JAINA have joined SOLETA, KEIKO, and WILDMAN. JAINA's working on patching up and rearranging equipment._

**JACEN:** Hey, Jaina, look in that office place. Don't those two look like Jedi Knights?

**JAINA:** You're right. Huh. You ever seen them before?

**JACEN:** Nope.

_Cut to lower corridors. SELA and KOVAL each have one of KEBRON's arms, and JENAVIAN is hauling on the front of his uniform. They're trying to drag him down the hall._

**TAIN:** I'll take his back!

_As TAIN pitches in, KEBRON skids forward a few inches._

**SELA:** That's more like it!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish. __

Cut to Voyager _conference room._

**SISKO:** Wait a minute! You can't blame Jadzia for things Curzon did!

**JANEWAY:** Seven is _not_ the Borg Queen!

**PICARD:** One of those Rikers is the real one, so you _can't_ throw them all in jail!

**ROSS:** Actually, Owen, I don't think you can be court-martialed for associating with an admiral's worthless son.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Are they trying to court-martial _our_ crew?

**CALHOUN:** You try to court-martial me, you just see what I'll do to you--!

**SISKO:** My doctor wasn't even _born_ during the Eugenics Wars! He is _not_ Khan Noonien Singh!

**JANEWAY:** I don't think all that Maquis business is strictly necessary!

**PICARD:** You want to court-martial _Wesley_ _Crusher_?

_Cut to lower corridors. DUKAT has managed to lock himself in a restroom._

Cut to Klingon deli. TOM, his eyes closed, is sitting on the deli counter. ANAKIN is playing the video game.

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

**HARRY:** I wish you'd stop that.

**TOM:** Me, too. Hurry up and get it over with, will you, Harry?

**HARRY:** I'm hurrying.

_Holding the knife, he turns around. TOM peeks, then quickly closes his eyes again._

**ANAKIN** _(helpfully)_ **:** I'll tell you if you look like you're doing something wrong.

_Cut to Vic's. JADZIA is wrapped in a blanket lying on the floor; so is AERYN; MOLLY, NAOMI, MEZOTI, and CINDEL are sitting around a table. XYON has left; KALINDA is sipping her drink and frowning. JOTHEE is wandering around looking for something 'interesting.' EWOKS are setting up camp in the corner. The CARDASSIAN TECH is still reading._

**VIC:** Er, what are those things?

**CINDEL:** They're Ewoks.

**VIC:** I don't suppose you could get them to stop ripping the new carpet?

**MOLLY:** Can't you just reload it?

**MEZOTI** _(to KALINDA)_ **:** Why are you attired for aquatic recreation?

**VOICE:** 'Recreation' is right... in one sense of the word.

_AERYN groans, opens her eyes, sees the EWOKS, and closes her eyes._

_Cut to Ten-Forward._

**JAY GORDON:** Where do you think Patterson went?

**MARISSA:** He's probably asleep.

**GUINAN:** You never can tell.

_The door opens. OGAWA, LAVELLE, and TAURIK come in._

**LAVELLE:** The ship has been captured by the biggest idiots in the entire universe.

**OGAWA:** Well, after most of the crew ran off to Risa--

**TAURIK:** We appear to be docked at Deep Space Nine.

**MARISSA:** Oh, we knew _that_. But does anyone know who those white armor people actually are?

_Cut to room off lower corridors._

**KEIKO:** Miles is back on the station.

**WILDMAN:** And there's Commander Chakotay, too! That's good. I wonder how they got here...

**JAINA:** What idiot is throwing grenades?

**SOLETA:** A pertinent question.

**JACEN:** Hey, look at this. _(he waves at a monitor)_ There's an escape pod floating around outside.

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit, where KIRA has just noticed the same thing. Everyone else is too busy discussing the 'elections.'_

**KIRA:** Odo, look.

**ODO:** I see it. Is it occupied?

**KIRA:** How am I supposed to know? Keep them distracted while I go access sensors.

_She steps over CHOMPER and the DOMINION SPY and leaves the office. ODO takes the desk._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** For I compose the music of the night...

_Cut to random hallway as WESLEY and JACK try to track SLOAN. They're both walking around looking intently at the floor._

**PATRICK:** What are you doing?

**JACK:** Looking for footprints.

**WESLEY:** Trying to scan for heat traces, only I need a tricorder.

**LAUREN:** I wonder where he is.

_Cut to random room. BASHIR is slumped down in the chair, his eyes closed, but rather than in any distress he appears to be asleep._

**SLOAN:** What the--

_He shakes BASHIR's shoulder; no response. After a few more tries, he gets the case again and looks at the fine print._

Fine print: Mega-Quadruple Super-Effective New! Improved! Romulan Memory Scanners are designed for use on Romulans, and upon any other subject will only act as a soporific

**SLOAN:** Oh, _bleep_!

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room._

**NECHEYEV:** Add the counts of assaulting a superior officer with a holographic Carmen...

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** A _what_? ****

JANEWAY: He was trying to _help_ us!

**SISKO:** I wonder if it's a crime to rescue a superior officer from an admiral.

**JANEWAY:** Probably.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Officer Sun deserted, yes, but it was from the _Peacekeepers_! And even if it was in your jurisdiction, that's a _good_ thing!

**TUVOK:** Admiral Paris, in that incident, L-- E-- M-- L-- _ahem_ , Lieutenant Paris was found innocent. It is illogical to court-martial someone for being framed for murder.

**PICARD:** About that death sentence of Wesley's, it was for _trampling the flowers_ \--

**GEORDI:** Oh, no, you aren't going to bring up the Lore incident again? Data wasn't himself!

**CALHOUN:** If I had my sword, you wouldn't be saying that!

**SISKO:** Yes, I _know_ she was a terrorist, but her planet was _occupied_ at the time--

**VOICE:** Dear, dear, dear.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 30 (about 1800 words) concerning Camoflage, the Same Kiddie Safe-T Scissors, Romulan Ale, Bloodwine, Kanar, Elections, More Idiots With Grenades, and Attack and Defense

**30**  


  
_Open on KIRA leaning over a console in half-lit Ops. The JEM'HADAR don't appear to notice._

**KIRA** _(under her breath)_ **:** Hmm, do sensors even have _power_? Ah, yes, they do. Good. Looks like quite a mess down on the Promenade. What idiot is throwing grenades?

**JEM'HADAR** _(helpfully)_ **:** Oh, some of both, actually.

**KIRA:** Oh. Yes, looks like one humanoid life-form... Bajoran. Not in good shape. Transporters? Ah, yes, up and running.

_She goes over to the transporter pad and takes the controls, as the JEM'HADAR look on benignly._

**KIRA:** Got a lock, and...

_SITO Jaxa materializes on the pad and immediately collapses._

**KIRA:** Oh, boy.

_Cut to lower corridors as TAIN, KOVAL, SELA, and JENAVIAN continue to drag KEBRON down the hall._

**SELA:** One, two, three, _shove_!

**JENAVIAN:** He weighs as much as a Budong! __

Cut to Klingon deli, semidark, where HARRY is poking at TOM's leg. Titanic _music blares._

**JOR** _(from outside)_ **:** Help! Jack! Jack! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**ANAKIN:** Well, it doesn't look as bad as some of the bites I've seen. There shouldn't be _too_ much poison.

**TOM:** How reassuring.

_Cut to Ops as KIRA gently shakes SITO awake._

**SITO:** What...

**KIRA:** Can you walk?

**SITO:** I... think so. Where am I?

**KIRA:** Deep Space Nine. There's no time to explain, and I don't even know who you are, but try to get down to... you might as well try Quark's. It's a bar. You can't miss it. Watch out for grenades.

**SITO:** Okay...

_She staggers out. KIRA looks like she's considering following her, but WEYOUN notices she's missing._

**WEYOUN** _(from office)_ **:** Hey! Where'd Colonel Kira go?

**KIRA:** I just stepped out for a breath of fresh air.

_Cut to office._

**OBI-WAN:** It _is_ a little stuffy in here.

**QUI-GON:** By all means, Obi-Wan, go out and join the Colonel. What party is she with...?

**OBI-WAN:** Dunno.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Don't cry for me Argentina... the truth is, I never left you...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge, where PATTERSON is still working away with the Kiddie Safe-T Scissors._

**RO:** For all our sakes, would you please get a knife?

**PATTERSON:** Oh, no! I'm not allowed to.

**CRUSHER:** All right then, why don't you go get Guinan?

**PATTERSON:** No. She's just the bartender, and I'm the officer in charge of radishes. _I'll_ rescue you.

**ROBIN:** Nothing ever goes right! I'm doomed!

_Cut to docking ring with JABBA and company._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** What's going on? Let's get to the action right now!

_Cut to DARTH VADER heading towards the Promenade with some STORMTROOPERS._

**DARTH VADER:** Now, remember, we want them _alive_. Got it?

**STORMTROOPERS:** Yes, Lord Vader!

_The STORMTROOPERS charge onto the Promenade._

Cut to replimat as O'BRIEN, with a tricorder, scans the Promenade.

**O'BRIEN:** All right, there are a whole bunch of people in Quark's... some more down by the tailor shop...

**LUKE:** And one Sith Lord down that way. _Bleep_.

**CHAKOTAY:** What?

**LUKE:** Never mind.

**EZRI:** I think Jadzia's been hurt.

**WORF** _(panicked)_ **:** Where is she?

**O'BRIEN:** Hang on, I'm trying to scan for Trills. There are three over behind that kiosk...

**ZHAAN:** Could you scan for Humans?

**O'BRIEN:** Yes, but it wouldn't help us any.

**ZHAAN:** Oh, right. ****

KES: Commander, the Species 8472 is in the bar.

**WAN-WAN:** I'm hungry.

**JOR** _(sailing past)_ **:** Help! Jack! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**CHAKOTAY:** I _wish_ she'd be quiet.

**NEELIX:** The Borg Queen is kicking.

**LUKE:** The Borg Queen is _swearing_.

**BORG QUEEN:** _Bleep_ , _bleep_ , _bleep_!

_Cut to Quark's. B'ELANNA, LANDO, SEVEN, XYON, CHIANA, and the RIKERS are building a barricade out of tables, including the one to which JOHN is handcuffed. XYON is wearing a crappy disguise._

**VOICE:** And the strange thing is, it seems to be working.

**ROM:** Quark's not going to be happy about this.

**LEETA** _(uncertainly)_ **:** I guess it's for the best.

**VALERIE:** Do _you_ want to try and stop them?

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** More kanar, please!

**M'PELLA:** It's _all gone_.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** No more Romulan ale... no more kanar... do you have any bloodwine?

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kiiiiiirrrraaaa!

_He races out of the bar._

**LEETA:** Good riddance.

_Cut to Garak's. They've retreated behind the counter and are firing out at the JEM'HADAR._

**GARAK:** I'm going to have to do some major redecorating after this!

**JAKE:** I wish we knew what happened to Dax!

**NOG:** Don't look at me, I can't hear a _thing_ over all this shooting!

**ANI:** I want Mother!

**JAKE:** I'm _tired_. What time is it?

**NOG:** I don't know... We got some sleep down in that little room, didn't we?

**JAKE:** Maybe _you_ did, I didn't.

**NOG:** Oh, right, pager-induced panic attacks...

_Cut to the Klingon deli._

**HARRY:** Okay, we'll run right after Jor goes past. They'll be a little distracted then.

**TOM:** I can't walk.

**ANAKIN:** We'll get shot.

**HARRY:** You're as bad as Ensign Pessimistic!

**ANAKIN:** _You_ can go, but _I'm_ staying here.

_Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!_

**HARRY:** I can't believe this.

_Cut to Vic's as JADZIA opens her eyes and looks around._

**JADZIA:** Where... the holosuite?

**MOLLY:** Mm-hmm. How do you feel, Commander Dax?

**CINDEL** _(in the background)_ **:** I want another ginger ale, please.

**VIC** _(in the background, with a sigh)_ **:** My lounge has become a daycare. One ginger ale, coming right up.

**JADZIA:** Er... not too good. What are you doing here, Molly?

**NAOMI:** We came to rescue you.

**MEZOTI:** And to get away from the admirals.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** You were attacked by an evil spirit!

**NAOMI:** Was he talking to me?

**CINDEL:** No, to her.

**JADZIA:** What... What's happening?

**MOLLY:** Jem'Hadar and these stormtrooper things are shooting at each other on the Promenade. We're supposed to stay up here, even though there's this geeky Cardassian here, too.

**NAOMI:** Lieutenant Torres and Seven and two Commander Rikers and a Ferengi and two, um, dabo girls and this guy in swim trunks and this person who looks like she came out of L-- E-- M-- L-- Lieutenant Paris's 'Captain Proton' program because she's all in monochrome and a 'noble' idiot and a Species 8472 are down defending the bar.

**MEZOTI:** And the furry things.

**JADZIA:** A what? _Two_ Commander Rikers?

**MOLLY:** No, Naomi, one of 'em's Thomas Riker.

**JOTHEE** _(calling)_ **:** Aren't there any, like, you know?

_AERYN opens her eyes again._

**AERYN:** Was that Jothee?

**MEZOTI:** I believe that is his designation.

**AERYN:** _Bleep_. Where's John?

**NAOMI:** The guy chained to the table is downstairs. They couldn't get the table up here.

_Cut to Ops. KIRA is watching for an opportunity to leave. OBI-WAN is staring out the window, looking bored._

**KIRA:** So, who are you again?

**OBI-WAN:** Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight. Er, I'm a little confused about these elections.

**KIRA:** Frankly, so am I. I never heard of them before, and I've lived here for a good seven years. I'm _supposed_ to be the station second-in-command. Now the office of _Kai_ \-- Never mind.

**OBI-WAN:** Oh. Then... there aren't any elections?

**KIRA:** Nope. The Dominion has taken over the station. Again. I don't know who told you we were holding elections--

**OBI-WAN:** A, er, Commander Valerie Archer.

**KIRA:** Can't say I've ever heard of her. Peculiar.

**OBI-WAN:** Wait. You're a _prisoner_?

**KIRA:** Technically, yes. At the moment, things are _completely_ out of control.

**OBI-WAN:** I have to tell Master Qui-Gon about this.

**KIRA:** If you like. I'm taking a nap.

_She puts her feet up on a console and leans back._

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room._

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** No matter _what_ they did to the Shadow Depository, they still aren't in your fleet!

**JANEWAY:** Oh, no, not the transwarp incident!

**SISKO:** He was _acquitted_!

**PICARD:** If you're going to bring up that thing with the Son'a--

**CALHOUN:** I'll get you, Jellico!

_Cut to just outside Klingon deli._

**HARRY:** Wait, Tom. _Wait_ \--

**TOM:** A big, tall glass of beer...

**HARRY:** Oh, he _had_ to pick now to start hallucinating again!

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**HARRY:** _Now_!

_They head across the Promenade, dodging JEM'HADAR, STORMTROOPERS, and LOVESTRUCK, towards Quark's. No one actually shoots at them._

Cut to Quark's, behind the barricade, where B'ELANNA sees them coming.

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, no. Seven!

_SEVEN and B'ELANNA drag TOM and HARRY over the barricade._

**TOM:** Look out! It's an octopus!

**B'ELANNA:** I see what you meant, Seven. Harry, are you okay? What happened to Tom's leg?

**HARRY:** He got bit by this horrible bug thing with hallucinogenic venom, and that kid said he might go into convulsions, and--

**B'ELANNA:** Cool it, Harry. Calm down. Somebody get Tom up to the holosuite.

**VALERIE:** I'll do it!

**HARRY:** Who's that?

**B'ELANNA:** A Species 8472. Don't ask. Please.

_HARRY looks nervously at VALERIE._

**B'ELANNA:** If that's not bad enough, apparently she was pretending to be Commander Riker. Along with three or so other people.

**RIKER:** And I got locked in a brig with all of them!

**CHIANA:** I think I had it worse.

**VALERIE:** Well, I didn't _ask_ to--

**THOMAS RIKER:** Be nice, the Dominion spy was worse.

**RIKER:** Speaking of which, where do you think it went?

_The discussion is interrupted by another grenade, which explodes out on the Promenade._

**B'ELANNA:** Who would be stupid enough to throw grenades on a space station?

**VOICE:** Very popular question, B'Elanna.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _as TK-421 bravely patrols a very short stretch of hallway._

**TK-421:** _Hut_ -two-three-four, _hut_ -two-three-four!

_Cut to Bajoran temple as SCORPIUS fiddles with a comm._

**SCORPIUS:** Hello, Peacekeeper command? __

Cut to Promenade as ANAKIN wanders out of the Klingon deli and meanders his way between the opposing sides--

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

He finally plops down behind the glop-on-a-stick kiosk.

**ZIRANNE:** Hello.

**ANAKIN:** What? Oh, hello.

**JAR JAR:** Mmmf! Mmmf!

**ANAKIN:** Hello to you, too.

**JANEL:** I'm surrounded by maniacs.

**NORVO:** I'm here.

**JANEL:** Oh, I _know_.

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Nine-point-two!

_Cut to Ops office, half-lit._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Won't you Charleston with me...

**ODO:** Does anyone know what happened to... er... him?

**QUI-GON:** So, I was wondering if I could see a copy of the ballot--

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** Grenades? What idiot is throwing grenades? It's _who_? Well, make him stop!

**QUI-GON:** I think it's only fair to at least put the 'Fluidic Space' party on the ballot--

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** What are you talking about?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** We'll show them, how the Charleston is done... We'll surprise everyone!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 31 (about 1800 words) concerning More Court-Martials, Noncombatants, Very Determined Misconceptions, But In Fact Very Little to do with Section 31

**31**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _conference room._

**TUVOK:** It's traditional to hold a court-martial when the charged is actually present. I see no logic in this procedure.

**CALHOUN:** There isn't any!

**NECHEYEV:** Everything has to start somewhere.

**PICARD:** That is completely absurd! I'm going to lodge an official protest!

**JELLICO:** All right, I have the charges against Commander Shelby: disobeying an order to spy on her captain...

**RYGEL** _(from the doorway)_ **:** What is going on in here?

**HAN:** Quick, escape! Escape while you still can!

_Cut to Quark's as SITO staggers up to the barricade._

**SITO:** Er... hello...

**SEVEN:** Hello. Lieutenant Torres, there is an individual at the barricade who says, 'er, hello.' What are your instructions?

**B'ELANNA:** What? Who is it?

**SEVEN:** A member of Species--

**B'ELANNA:** _Sev_ en!

**SEVEN:** A Bajoran. She is wounded.

**B'ELANNA:** Then, _bleep_ it, help her over!

**LEETA:** Maybe it's Colonel Kira!

_She hurries over to look._

**RIKER:** I told you to stay behind the bar!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Hey, this bloodwine isn't so bad.

**SITO** _(as she comes over the barricade, weakly)_ **:** I'm Ensign Sito Jaxa...

**SEVEN:** My designation is Seven of Nine, Tertiary--

**B'ELANNA:** _Sev_ en! I'm B'Elanna Torres, Starship _Voyager_. What happened to you?

**SI CWAN:** Ahem! _I_ am--

**RIKER:** Oh my god! Sito Jaxa!

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! The pit of crocodiles!

**HARRY:** That's nice, Tom.

**SITO:** I was on a mission... I got knocked off course...

**RIKER:** We all thought you were dead! Captain Picard will be thrilled!

**SITO:** I'm glad... Is there anything to eat here? How long has it been?

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** To a successful return! Drinks for evvybody!

**SITO:** Who's that? What's going on?

**LEETA:** That's Damar, he's drunk.

**RIKER:** It's been years! I'm amazed you survived!

**SITO** _(faintly)_ **:** Oh...

_She faints. Another grenade explodes._

**RIKER** _(dryly)_ **:** Happy homecoming.

**JOHN** _(somewhat more aware)_ **:** What's going on? Chiana?

**CHIANA:** Um, just keep your head down.

_Cut to replimat._

**O'BRIEN:** Maybe we should try to get to the bar. That might be more defensible.

**CHAKOTAY:** Maybe. Do you have any idea who's over there?

**LUKE:** I'm sensing something weird from Leia... she's worried.

**O'BRIEN:** About you?

**LUKE:** No, not really... more like something will take so long they'll never be able to leave.

**EZRI:** No thanks, Worf.

_WORF just got back from the Klingon deli with some food he picked up, including_ gagh _. EZRI turns green immediately._

**EZRI:** Excuse me!

_She runs hastily to the restroom._

**WORF:** It was a mess in there, someone had been knocking over the food. Does anyone want some _gagh_?

**CHAKOTAY:** No, thanks.

**LUKE:** Er, no.

**O'BRIEN:** Thanks for the offer, Worf, but you know I don't like _gagh_.

**NEELIX:** That looks interesting.

**KES:** Are you sure, Neelix?

**KIRAYOSHI:** Blech!

**QUARK:** _Gagh_ for breakfast, _gagh_ for lunch, _gagh_ for dinner...

**NOMI:** Be quiet.

_Cut to holosuite. KALINDA is applying lipstick._

**AERYN:** Jothee, stop trying to ogle people and tell me what's going on!

**JOTHEE:** Um... well... first the station got taken over...

**AERYN:** Starting with why you didn't leave with Moya.

**JOTHEE:** Er...

**MOLLY:** So you've been living with those furry things?

**CINDEL:** Yes. They're really nice!

**MEZOTI:** They're primitive... but amusing.

**NAOMI:** What did you do all the time there?

**CINDEL:** Well, I played with Wicket--

_The door opens. B'ELANNA enters, supporting SITO._

**B'ELANNA** _(over her shoulder)_ **:** Quit complaining. _Somebody_ needs to do it, and you aren't that great with a phaser.

_HARRY follows her._

**HARRY:** But B'Elanna, I'm not even a field medic!

**B'ELANNA:** The only field medic we have is wandering around in La-La Land. Maybe we'll send the dabo girl up to help. Or the girl in the swimsuit could help. _I_ don't know.

**HARRY:** All... right. Come on, Tom.

_He pulls TOM in._

**TOM:** Oh, no, not again! Couldn't somebody else rescue Miss Goodheart for once?

**AERYN:** You two again. What happened to the kid?

**HARRY:** Oh, hi. Uh... he wandered off, I don't know where.

**JADZIA:** What's happening?

_B'ELANNA puts SITO on the floor._

**B'ELANNA:** There's a firefight on the Promenade between Jem'Hadar and those white armor guys. We're defending the bar.

**JADZIA:** Who's that?

**B'ELANNA:** Her? I have no idea. Ensign Sito Something. I have to go.

_She leaves._

**KALINDA** _(offended)_ **:** What's wrong with my swimsuit?

**VIC** _(to HARRY)_ **:** Hi, I'm Vic Fontaine. Who are you?

**HARRY:** Er, Harry Kim. I'm the... substitute field medic.

**MOLLY:** Sing something!

**HARRY** _(startled)_ **:** Me?

**MEZOTI:** His voice is unsuitable.

**MOLLY:** No, not him! Vic!

**TOM:** Oh, _let_ the Twin Mistresses of Evil have her! They'll throw her back in a week or so.

**HARRY:** Sit down, Tom.

_Cut to WESLEY, JACK, LAUREN, and PATRICK. They've changed their search tactics; now they're just wandering around opening doors._

**LAUREN:** Nothing in here.

**JACK:** Oooh, this one's locked!

**WESLEY:** Nothing, nothing...

**PATRICK:** There's a lady taking a shower in here!

**RANDOM CIVILIAN** _(from behind shower curtain)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Hmm, eight-point-oh, not at all bad for a beginner.

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room._

**JANEWAY** _(to SISKO and PICARD)_ **:** This is ridiculous. Our crews could be dying, and _they're_ trying to court-martial them!

**PICARD:** I completely agree. It defies all reason.

**CALHOUN:** So do I!

_The others ignore him._

**SISKO:** It must be something in the air of Starbase Admirals R Us. I think they're looking for excuses to avoid going after our crews!

**JANEWAY:** All right then. Let's forget about defending them for now, and try to get a reason to go back to the station.

_Cut to MARISSA sneaking around behind the patrolling TK-422 and into Engineering._

**MARISSA** _(whispered)_ **:** Is there anyone here?

**BARCLAY** _(muffled)_ **:** Who's there?

**MARISSA:** Me. Marissa. Who are you?

_BARCLAY comes out of a closet._

**MARISSA:** Oh, Lieutenant Barclay, it's you.

_Cut to replimat._

**CHAKOTAY:** Well, I don't know, we could try calling--

_O'BRIEN's combadge beeps._

**CHAKOTAY:** Or I suppose someone might call us.

**O'BRIEN** _(tapping combadge)_ **:** O'Brien here.

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** It's me, Miles. When did you come back?

**O'BRIEN:** Not too long ago. Are you all right?

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Yes, I'm fine. I'm down in the lower core with Ensign Wildman from _Voyager_ , Lieutenant Soleta from the _Excalibur_ \-- don't worry, she's the sane one -- and some kids who came in--

**JAINA** _(from combadge)_ **:** Hi, Uncle Luke! Where'd Mom and Dad go?

**LUKE:** They're still on the starbase.

**CHAKOTAY:** Unfortunately, Starbase Admirals R Us.

**SOLETA** _(from combadge)_ **:** Starbase _what_?

**EZRI:** You probably heard correctly, Lieutenant. Any idea where the others are?

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Well, there was a group of people with us -- Lieutenant Commander Dax, Jake, Nog, Garak...

**WILDMAN** _(from combadge)_ **:** B'Elanna was there. And Dell.

**SOLETA** _(from combadge)_ **:** I was with Doctor Selar, but narrowly escaped.

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** But we haven't heard from them for a while.

**O'BRIEN:** Where were they, last you heard?

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Heading to Garak's shop to pick up a cache of weapons.

**EZRI:** Well, there _are_ people over there.

**WORF:** Is Jadzia?

**EZRI:** I don't _know_!

**D'ARGO:** Have you seen my son?

**SOLETA** _(from commbadge)_ **:** He was in Quark's for a time, then went up to the holosuites. ****

KEIKO _(from combadge)_ **:** Miles, do you know where the kids--

**KIRAYOSHI:** Hi, Mommy! I helped fly a ship! We escaped from the evil admirals and came to rescue you!

**KEIKO** _(from combadge)_ **:** Oh. Where's Molly?

**KIRAYOSHI:** Dunno.

**O'BRIEN:** Don't worry, we're looking.

_Cut to Ops. KIRA is asleep at a desk; OBI-WAN is sitting around, occasionally looking at the office._

**QUI-GON** _(from office)_ **:** The monopoly of major parties on the elections is most unfair--

**ALL OTHERS** _(from office)_ **:** Huh?

_The lift arrives and the RANDOM CIVILIAN storms in, wrapped in a towel._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** I would like to lodge a complaint!

**OBI-WAN:** Er, actually I don't work here--

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** I was taking a shower when this fat old man barged into my quarters!

**OBI-WAN:** I'm only visiting--

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** I called and called for Security, but nobody came!

**OBI-WAN:** I don't know anything about how this station works--

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** And why do the lights keep going off? The station commander will hear about this, you may be sure, young man!

**OBI-WAN:** Master Qui-Gon! Help!

_Cut to replimat. LUKE is looking dubiously at the_ gagh _._

**LUKE:** Is this stuff supposed to be moving?

**O'BRIEN:** Unfortunately, yes.

**NOMI:** Whatever it is, I'm not eating it!

**EZRI:** Wise choice.

_She is looking in the opposite direction._

**CHAKOTAY:** So, who wants to go to the tailor shop?

**WORF:** I will!

**CHAKOTAY:** Great. Er, if you're leaving, could you take all that _gagh_ with you?

**EZRI:** Good idea.

**NEELIX:** I _am_ kind of hungry.

**LUKE:** I _was_... but I lost my appetite when the, er, _gagh_ arrived.

**JOR** _(sailing past)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Help!

**LUKE** _(to WORF)_ **:** Look, why don't you take that with you, too?

_He indicates BURGOYNE._

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la one--

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. MARA and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI are standing on either side of the door to the conference room._

**MARA** _(thoughtfully)_ **:** I suppose we could take over the ship. Do you have any idea how to work it?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Not really.

**MARA:** Pity.

_Cut to Quark's. B'ELANNA, SEVEN, the RIKERS, LANDO, ROM, XYON(in disguise), SI CWAN, CHIANA, and VALERIE are behind the barricade, firing, though VALERIE isn't paying a lot of attention. JOHN is wisely keeping his head down while he tries to bandage his arm._

**JOHN:** Where's Aeryn? Is she all right?

**CHIANA:** Concussed or something. I think she'll be okay. ****

SI CWAN: I nobly battle the invaders--

**SEVEN:** What foolish individual is launching grenades?

**VOICE:** Excellent question, Seven-honey.

**SEVEN:** I believe I preferred Annika.

**B'ELANNA:** Look over by the replimat! Someone's coming out!

**ROM:** It's Worf! But there's something following him.

**RIKER** _(to VALERIE)_ **:** No, don't shoot at him!

**VALERIE:** Oh. Sorry.

**RIKER:** It's all right, you missed.

**B'ELANNA:** He's going to the tailor shop... but _what_ is he carrying?

**SEVEN:** It appears to be--

**RIKER:** Oh, no. Not _gagh_!

**B'ELANNA:** Spare me, please!

**SEVEN:** He's being followed by a Species--

_B'ELANNA clears her throat._

**SEVEN:** By a Hermat.

**RIKER:** Run, Worf, run!

_Swing over: TEEBO and WICKET are firing arrows over the barricade._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** We'll fend them off!

_Cut to lower corridors as DUKAT manages to get out of the room he locked himself into and promptly falls down a vertical access tube._

**DUKAT** _(muffled, from tube)_ **:** I must go! Oh, the great Pah-wraith! I just need to get out of this tube!

_He thrashes around for a minute._

**VOICE:** Good luck, Dukatty-boy.

**DUKAT** _(muffled, from tube)_ **:** This is not funny!

**VOICE:** That's what you think.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 32 (about 1700 words) concerning More Amateur Medicine, Admirals and Ambassadors, Reasons for Panic, Species 8472, Projectile Missiles, and Guessing Games

**32**  


  
_Open on holosuite as VIC finishes a song and gets off the stage._

**VIC:** All right. What next?

**HARRY:** I don't suppose _you_ know anything about medicine?

**VIC:** I'm afraid not, pallie.

**NAOMI:** L-- E-- M-- L--

**HARRY:** What about Tom?

**NAOMI:** He just fell over.

_Indeed, TOM has collapsed._

**KALINDA:** Poor man.

_Her attention returns to her lipstick._

**JADZIA:** I'd better get down...

_She tries to get up and falls over. AERYN follows suit, without the falling over._

**HARRY:** Stop that! Everyone stay where you are! Er, don't try to walk around! That's right, isn't it?

**NAOMI:** The Doctor always says stuff like that.

**MEZOTI:** Although it is generally ineffective.

**AERYN:** Really, I'm feeling much better now.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I shall call on the good spirits!

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear.

**TOM** _(mumbling)_ **:** Oh, no, it's a big monster with glowing tentacles...

**MOLLY:** I wish we had a real doctor.

**HARRY:** So do I. Where could they all _be_?

**VOICE:** Excellent question.

_Cut to random room on_ Voyager _. The mobile emitter is lying forgotten on the table._

Cut to Enterprise _bridge. RO is shaking her head in despair as PATTERSON continues with the Kiddie Safe-T Scissors. ROBIN sniffles._

**ROBIN:** We're doomed.

**RO:** Shut up. We're _never_ gonna get out of here.

**ROBIN:** I just said that!

**CRUSHER:** Sure we will!

**PATTERSON:** Yeah, I'll save you!

_RO and CRUSHER exchange glances._

**CRUSHER:** Are you _sure_ you won't go get Guinan?

**PATTERSON:** Yep!

_Cut to somewhere in the lower corridors as SELAR does a seductive dance for JABBA. OOLA is massaging her temples._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** This is unbelievable.

**SELAR** _(singing)_ **:** I've been with thousands of men, again and again...

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Now _this_ is a good dancing girl. __

Cut to random room where BASHIR is still tied to the chair and still peacefully asleep. SLOAN is working at the table, fuming.

**SLOAN:** Only designed for use on Romulans, indeed! What are the rest of us supposed to use?

_He applies a hypospray. No reaction._

**SLOAN:** And now he won't wake up!

_Cut to Garak's as WORF vaults over the counter, spills gagh all over the display mannequins, and lands on JAKE._

**JAKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**NOG:** Hey, watch it!

**ANI:** What's that? Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**AMIDALA:** I don't _know_!

_They HANDMAIDENS quickly surround AMIDALA._

**HANDMAIDEN** _(to WORF)_ **:** Stay back!

**GARAK** _(pleasantly)_ **:** Mr. Worf, how nice to see you!

**WORF:** Where's Jadzia?!

**NOG:** Well, I know where _Jake_ is.

**WORF:** Oh. _(he moves)_ Where's--

**DELL:** She and Lieutenant Torres went to look for crazy L-- E-- M-- L-- Paris. I think they got eaten by a Borg.

**WORF:** That is absurd!

**JAKE:** Well, that Dell guy's really dumb. We _think_ she's over by Quark's, but we aren't sure.

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**BORG QUEEN:** Locutus, my love! Locutus, baby, come to me!

**AMIDALA:** Who's Locutus, anyway?

**WORF:** Er...

**JAKE:** Captain Picard, sort of.

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room._

**NECHEYEV:** Maybe we _should_ wait until we've arrested them.

**CAPTAINS:** Yes! Yes! Anything so long as we get them back!

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Let's get going!

**ROSS:** Sounds good to me!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Most of them, yes, it can wait... but what about my worthless son?

**ROSS:** Worry about him later!

**JELLICO:** I guess we can wait... as long as I can arrest Calhoun.

**JANEWAY, SISKO, and PICARD:** Of course you can!

**CALHOUN:** Hey!

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Ah ah ah, excuse me? I have seniority. And we aren't done yet.

_BOREN rings a bell._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Ambassadors? Would you come in, please?

**LEIA:** Oh, _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Leia! I'm horrified! Your fellow ambassadors!

**HAN:** Oh, shut up.

_The door opens and Ambassadors TAXCO and VADOSIA come in._

**TAXCO:** Call me _Madam_ Ambassador.

**RYGEL:** Well, call me _Dominar_.

**LEIA:** I have _nothing_ in common with those people!

_Cut to Quark's._

**SEVEN:** Commander Chakotay is in the replimat.

**B'ELANNA:** Great! Anyone else?

**SEVEN:** Yes.

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, good. _(she clears her throat)_ Hey! Chakotay!

**SEVEN:** He can't hear you.

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! _(stops for breath)_ Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**JOOL** _(from the replimat)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**CHIANA:** Oh, like we really needed _her_.

**VOICE:** Ah, yes! A joining of two such stellar talents!

_A grenade explodes. BURGOYNE is now dancing around the Promenade, singing the casadilla song._

**RIKER:** How can we get their attention?

**VALERIE:** I know!

**B'ELANNA:** No, wait, don't--

_Too late. VALERIE begins to roar very, very loudly. The other people in Quark's hit the floor with their hands over their ears; ROM screams in agony. It gets_ everyone's _attention._

Cut to Ops as the roar dies away.

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** What was that? I am sure we shall all be devoured in our beds!

**OBI-WAN:** Er... yeah, whatever.

_KIRA has woken up._

**KIRA:** What a racket!

**WEYOUN** _(from office)_ **:** What was that?

_He comes out, followed by ODO, QUI-GON, the FEMALE FOUNDER, CHOMPER, TOOTHY, and the oozing DOMINION SPY._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry, and the good old boys were drinkin' whisky and rye, singin' this'll be the day that I die...

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Who was making that roaring noise?

**KIRA:** I don't know.

**WEYOUN:** It came from the Promenade. Maybe there's a zoo...

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Excuse me! I would like to lodge a complaint!

**CHOMPER:** Yes?

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to replimat as they cautiously emerge from under tables._

**QUARK:** My ears... my ears...

**TROI** _(finally waking up)_ **:** What...

**LUKE:** Was that, uh, Worf?

**O'BRIEN:** Noooo, I don't think so.

**CHAKOTAY:** I think it's the Species 8472.

_Cut to Ten-Forward as MARISSA leads BARCLAY in._

**MARISSA:** Look who I found!

**GUINAN:** Hello.

_The room subsides once more into somewhat depressed silence._

**LAVELLE:** Okay, I'm going to go onto the station and look around. Who's coming with me?

**JAY GORDON:** Me! Me!

**MARISSA:** Me, too.

**BARCLAY:** Uh, I guess so.

**LAVELLE:** All right, let's go!

**OGAWA:** Wait! I'm coming, I just have to get a medkit.

**TAURIK:** I will have to join you.

**GUINAN:** I'll stay here, why don't I, and see if Patterson comes back... I wonder where he's gone, anyway?

_Cut to Garak's._

**WORF:** I have to get over there!

**DELL:** They're all dead for sure.

**AMIDALA:** Stop saying that.

**DELL** _(belligerently)_ **:** Why should I?

**AMIDALA:** Because if you don't I'll have my handmaidens shoot you.

**GARAK** _(to WORF)_ **:** Perhaps you should wait for a lull in the fighting--

**JOR:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_Cut to upper Promenade as JOR swoops towards the walkway._ She's _well above it, but the BORG QUEEN isn't._

**BORG QUEEN:** Assimilate it!

_The BORG QUEEN is 'scraped off' on the walkway and lands just outside the Klingon deli._

**VOICE:** Danger, falling Borg! I wonder if she likes _gagh_?

**BORG QUEEN:** Shut up! Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated!

**VOICE:** That's what you always say.

_Cut to lower corridors as JACEN, JAINA, SOLETA, KEIKO, and WILDMAN come out of the room, carrying a variety of equipment._

**JAINA:** It would be even better if I could work with Anakin, but as it is, one movable base.

**KEIKO:** Now, up to the Promenade.

**JACEN:** I have to save Snookums!

_Cut to LORE and CROSIS crawling along a turboshaft, dragging ICHEB._

**CROSIS:** Are you sure this is efficient?

**LORE:** _Yes_ , I'm sure!

**CROSIS:** Oh.

**ICHEB:** Idiots!

_Cut to turbolift with HUGH, TAHIRI, and NASHIRA._

**TAHIRI:** So... you have any idea at all what that thing is?

**NASHIRA:** I was gonna ask you...

**HUGH:** Do not be concerned. I am Hugh. I am an individual.

**TAHIRI:** Oohh-kay.

**NASHIRA:** Tahiri, I think Uncle Luke's here!

**TAHIRI:** Great. Let's _find_ him.

_The door opens, and they're face to face with JACK, LAUREN, PATRICK, and WESLEY. WESLEY, PATRICK, and NASHIRA all scream._

**WESLEY:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! It's a Borg! Run!

**NASHIRA:** It's one of those freaky _Enterprise_ people! Back off! No, get him!

**PATRICK:** No, no, don't hurt him!

**HUGH:** I am Hugh.

**LAUREN** _(coyly)_ **:** For a Borg, you're awfully cute.

**TAHIRI:** Now _I'm_ gonna scream.

**NASHIRA:** Why?

**TAHIRI:** Never mind.

_Cut to other part of docking ring as LAVELLE, TAURIK, OGAWA, BARCLAY, MARISSA, and JAY GORDON come out of an airlock._

**LAVELLE:** To Ops!

_Cut to replimat._

**CHAKOTAY:** I just can't figure out how we can get to the bar without being shot.

**EZRI:** Or blown up by one of those stupid grenades.

**LUKE:** We could sprint for it. It isn't that far.

**TROI:** Far enough.

**JOR:** Far across the distance, and spaces between us...

_Now that the BORG QUEEN's gone, she's back to 'My Heart Will Go On.'_

**TROI:** I'm sensing some very strange things...

**ZHAAN:** So am I. I'm very worried about our friends.

**O'BRIEN:** Well, we could probably get to the bar by going up to the second level and across.

**EZRI:** Yeah, there's a staircase... there.

**STARK:** What are we waiting for?!

_Cut to Garak's._

**WORF:** I'm going over there!

**JAKE:** I don't think it's safe--

**AMIDALA:** Does anyone have some other clothes I could wear?

_She's wiping off the makeup._

**GARAK:** Well, we _are_ in a very excellent tailor shop... I can offer you a special discount?

**NOG:** Anyway, someone's coming.

_Indeed, DARTH VADER, with some STORMTROOPERS, enters the shop._

**ANI:** Who's that?

**VOICE:** Three guesses, Ani, and the first two don't count. You, too, Darthie. Timer's running...

**AMIDALA:** Oh, no, _another_ Sith!

**HANDMAIDENS:** Protect the queen!

**DARTH VADER:** All right, I'll take this place for my headquarters!

**STORMTROOPER:** Yes, Lord Vader!

**GARAK:** Dear, dear, could I interest you in a new cape? Black really isn't 'in' this season.

**WORF:** What is this?

_He knocks a STORMTROOPER across the shop. NOG and JAKE duck; DELL doesn't._

**DELL:** Hey! He threw something at me! You're as bad as L-- E-- M-- L-- Paris!

**JAKE:** Shut up.

**DARTH VADER:** Round these people up, take them back--

**AMIDALA:** I'm leaving now! Come _on_ , Ani! That's a _Sith_!

_She grabs ANI and runs, surrounded by HANDMAIDENS._

**VOICE:** Haven't you guessed yet?

**JAKE:** I'm out of here.

_JAKE, NOG, DELL, WORF, and GARAK follow, though GARAK pauses to drape a measuring tape around DARTH VADER's shoulders. He's left standing in a pile of downed STORMTROOPERS._

**DARTH VADER:** It's not as if I _needed_ more prisoners...

**VOICE:** They're all gone, and you haven't even guessed yet.

**DARTH VADER:** Guessed what?

**VOICE:** I'm not going to _tell_ you. That would spoil the fun!

  



	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 33 (about 1900 words) concerning Admirals and Ambassadors, Landing Pads, Floor Shows, Bloodwine, and Warp Cores

**33**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _conference room. HAN is pointing a blaster at BOREN and the AMBASSADORS._

**HAN:** All right. Either we get out of here pronto, or someone will be looking for your replacements!

**NECHEYEV:** Now, now, I don't think that's necessary.

_However, she makes no move to stop him._

**ROSS:** Surely this can be resolved.

**VADOSIA:** If you insist.

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Let's go!

**DOUGHERTY:** What's going on in here?

_He's just come in. PICARD pales and slides down under the table. SISKO and JANEWAY look at each other over his empty chair._

**JANEWAY:** Captain _Picard_ is scared of him?

_They flee. GEORDI, TUVOK, and the MONK follow._

**CALHOUN:** Come back, you cowards! __

Cut to AMIDALA vaulting the barricade into Quark's and landing on TEEBO.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Danger, falling fashion mannequins!

**RIKER:** What the--

**B'ELANNA:** Look out!

_She dives out of the way as the HANDMAIDENS, JAKE, WORF, ANI, DELL, NOG, and GARAK pile over the barricade, mostly on top of other people, most frequently JOHN._

**JOHN:** Ow! Aagh! Oooff--

_WORF just landed on him._

**CHIANA:** Get off of him! ****

THOMAS RIKER: Hey, watch it!

**SI CWAN** _(sniffing)_ **:** Ignoble people.

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, no, it's Dell.

**DELL:** Well, I'm smarter than your stupid boyfriend!

**NOG:** I wouldn't bet on it.

_Cut to lower corridors as SELA, JENAVIAN, TAIN, and KOVAL manage to shove KEBRON into a turbolift. They pause to catch their breath._

**JENAVIAN:** I don't think I've moved anything this heavy manually since we put the Marauder in the breakfast nook.

**SELA:** Oh yeah, _that_ was a fun one. Speaking of pranks, do you remember the time on Bothawi, with the earrings?

**JENAVIAN:** How could I forget?

_They giggle._

**KOVAL:** Sometimes I think the girls had all the fun.

**TAIN:** Now, to the Promenade! __

Cut to Ops, half-lit. The RANDOM CIVILIAN is standing on a console, staring at CHOMPER. KIRA looks bored.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Has anyone seen Dukat?

**KIRA** _(hopefully)_ **:** Maybe he fell out an airlock and died of explosive decompression.

**WEYOUN:** Be quiet. No, I don't think anyone's seen him.

**QUI-GON:** About the elections--

**OBI-WAN:** Master Qui-Gon, there _aren't_ any elections!

**QUI-GON:** What?

**OBI-WAN:** That person told me about it. There aren't any elections, there's a war. And the person who told us about elections wasn't even from the station.

**QUI-GON:** Really? And Commander Archer seemed like such a good person! Hmmph!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Oh the Love Shack is a little old place where we can get together...

**FEMALE FOUNDER** _(to no one in particular)_ **:** Can't someone do something?

**TOOTHY:** I doubt it.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Love Shack, baby, Love Shack!

_Cut back to Quark's as the pile of people sorts itself out._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Bravo! Bravo! Best in years! More bloodwine.

**LEETA:** We're out.

**CHIANA** _(to JOHN)_ **:** Are you all right?

**JOHN:** Oh, just _fine_. ****

WORF: Where's Jadzia?

**RIKER:** Up in the holosuite. What happened to your hair, Worf? It looks like there's _gagh_ in it.

**GARAK:** What about _gagh_ all _over_ my shop?

**JAKE:** Is there anything to eat here? And, er, what's Damar doing here?

**ROM:** Drinking. And drinking some more. He's harmless.

**VALERIE:** I don't think they're in the replimat any more.

**SEVEN:** Perhaps they fled.

_Cut to LORE, CROSIS, and ICHEB as they're overtaken by a turbolift._

Cut to inside turbolift with LAVELLE, etc.

**JAY GORDON:** There's a Borg out there. We're all gonna die.

**TAURIK:** That is not a logical conclusion based on present data.

**MARISSA:** Maybe we should have stayed in Ten-Forward.

_Cut to Promenade upper level as CHAKOTAY, LUKE, EZRI, TROI, O'BRIEN, QUARK, KES, NEELIX, ZHAAN, D'ARGO, STARK, JOOL, SHELBY, NOMI, WAN-WAN, and KIRAYOSHI sneak across towards the bar._

**CHAKOTAY:** All right, now we can--

**QUARK:** Arrgh! _Look_ at this!

_He indicates the overturned table and chairs, missing tables, and broken handrail. There are also some skid marks on the floor._

**TROI:** What a mess!

**STARK:** Something very bad happened here, not long ago...

**LUKE:** It doesn't _feel_ very good.

**ZHAAN:** That's an understatement.

**O'BRIEN:** Then let's hurry and get down there.

_Cut to Quark's as the above people come piling down a staircase, nearly on top of LEETA._

**LEETA:** Eeeek! Oh, it's you. How'd you get here?

**O'BRIEN:** We took the _Defiant_.

**NOG:** Chief O'Brien! It's good to see you.

**CHIANA:** Zhaan! D'Argo! I'm so glad to see you, I don't know _what_ I'm supposed to do about this--

**D'ARGO:** Where's Jothee?!

**CHIANA:** Hello, Chiana. I'm glad you're not hurt. Do you know where my son is?

**STARK:** Well, what am I, chopped keedva? ****

CHAKOTAY: All right, who's accounted for?

**B'ELANNA:** Seven and I are here, so's Dell, sadly, Tom and Harry are up in the holosuite -- Tom's hurt -- Ensign Wildman's down in the lower core, and I'm sure you saw Jor.

**CHAKOTAY:** Yes. Definitely.

**NOG:** Er, we don't know where a lot of people are. Lt. Commander Dax is up in the holosuite, Worf just ran up there -- of course -- and some of us are here, but we don't know where Colonel Kira or Doctor Bashir are.

**EZRI:** Oh, no.

**ROM:** Doctor Bashir was here a while ago, with Doctor Crusher and Ro Laren. He looked all right then.

**EZRI** _(glumly)_ **:** It won't have lasted. He'll have been kidnapped.

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, and if anyone cares, there are three _Excalibur_ people here -- one's in the holosuite.

_She indicates SI CWAN and XYON._

**SI CWAN:** What? He's not from the _Excalibur_.

**XYON:** Course not. Some sort of mistake.

**ZHAAN:** Chiana, what about our people? I can... see Crichton, but...

**CHIANA:** Um, yeah. Scorpius got him for a while. Aeryn's upstairs, she hit her head on something, but she's all right. Jothee went up, too.

_D'ARGO immediately heads for the stairs._ ****

LUKE: _How_ did these Ewoks get here?

**LANDO:** Ask Threepio. He's upstairs with everyone else.

_Cut to holosuite. WORF is kneeling by JADZIA, NAOMI and MEZOTI are sitting on TOM to keep him from running around, AERYN is prodding gingerly at the lump on the back of her head, KALINDA is doing her hair, HARRY is trying to play the saxophone, the CARDASSIAN TECH has acquired a coffee mug, D'ARGO is lecturing JOTHEE, at length, and the EWOKS seem to be having some sort of ceremony._

**VIC** _(to HARRY)_ **:** You're getting better, pallie.

**MOLLY:** Well, he could hardly get worse.

_The door opens and O'BRIEN enters, followed by KIRAYOSHI, NOMI, and WAN-WAN._

**MOLLY:** Daddy!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a--

**ALL:** Be quiet!

**NAOMI:** He's even worse than Ensign Kim on the-- the--

**VIC:** Saxophone.

**HARRY:** Hey, I'm very good at clarinet!

**MOLLY:** But that's not a clarinet.

**D'ARGO** _(in background)_ **:** And then to come running back here and making a fool of yourself--

_Cut to random room. BASHIR is still asleep._

**SLOAN:** Do I have to try every single waking agent I have? Arrgghh!

_As he goes over to the table--_

**WESLEY** _(from hall)_ **:** Open in the name of Captain Picard!

**TAHIRI** _(from hall)_ **:** Captain Picard?

**WESLEY** _(from hall, flustered)_ **:** Well, he's very important.

**NASHIRA** _(from hall)_ **:** Wish I had a blaster, than I could just shoot the door controls.

**PATRICK** _(from hall)_ **:** Quick, quick, open the door!

_SLOAN rolls his eyes._

**SLOAN:** I don't think so.

**LAUREN** _(from hall)_ **:** That's rude!

**JACK** _(from hall)_ **:** Yes, there are rules!

**VOICE:** And borders and an end zone? No, that's later.

**JACK** _(from hall, continued)_ **:** Don't talk with your mouth full, don't open airlocks when there are people inside them, don't lock us out of the room!

**HUGH** _(from hall)_ **:** I will open the door. I am Hugh.

_As SLOAN pauses, thinking there's something a bit weird about that last voice, the door shoots open and JACK jumps on him._

**JACK:** Did you think you could kidnap him, hmm, hmm, hmm? Well, we got him first!

_They go spinning out of the room as all the rest go in._

**WESLEY:** Oh, no! Is he alive?

**TAHIRI:** Looks asleep to me. We'd better get a stretcher, though.

**PATRICK:** I will! I will!

_Cut to_ Voyager _Engineering. VORIK is mopping the floor. There's a_ kick me _sign taped to his back._

Enter HAN. He looks up at the warp core.

**HAN:** So that's a warp core, eh?

**VORIK:** Yes.

**HAN:** Ah. I thought so. _(pause)_ Is there any room up there for me?

**JANEWAY** _(from up warp core)_ **:** No. It's all taken.

**SISKO** _(from up warp core)_ **:** No room for anyone else!

**TUVOK** _(from up warp core)_ **:** Logic dictates that you go elsewhere.

**GEORDI** _(from up warp core)_ **:** Right!

_Cut to Ops._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Prince Ali, yes it is he, Ali Ababwa...

**KIRA:** Why do they even _think_ they're in control?

**ODO:** Possibly an ego problem.

**OBI-WAN:** Can we leave now?

**QUI-GON:** I think we should go look for the Sith on the station. And find Ani, of course.

**OBI-WAN:** Oh. Of course.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Strong as ten regular men definitely...

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** And they're in the bar? Then get them out! What do you mean, you can't? I don't care if something roared!

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** _Who's_ in the bar?

**WEYOUN:** Some Starfleet personnel.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Oh.

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** I don't care how many white-armor people there are! Get the people out of the bar and capture them!

**KIRA** _(brightly)_ **:** I'll go look.

**WEYOUN:** Sure, you do that... Wait a minute! Stop her!

**KIRA:** Drat.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Joy to the world, Dukat is dead. We barbecued his head...

**ODO:** If you don't like him, why are you allied with him?

_Cut to Quark's. Quite a few people now line the barricade, shooting at JEM'HADAR and STORMTROOPERS._

**SEVEN:** The Borg Queen is over there!

**NEELIX:** Just so long as she's not over here!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** How about more whisky?

**LEETA:** We have a little left of that.

**SI CWAN:** And I destroy the invaders, just as I'll crush that awful Xyon!

**XYON:** Mm-hmm, yeah, whatever.

**RIKER:** Maybe we should wait until those two groups have finished each other off.

**LUKE:** I don't know if that'd work--

**VALERIE:** Look!

_A JEM'HADAR throws a grenade over the barricade; SEVEN throws it back._

**O'BRIEN:** The Jem'Hadar must be trying to get us out.

**QUARK:** By throwing grenades into _my_ bar! This is outrageous! It's costing me latinum!

**LANDO:** At least the-- Luke! Look! It's Darth Vader!

**LUKE:** Oh, _bleep_.

**AMIDALA:** It's that Sith Lord!

**ANI:** I want Qui-Gon!

**AMIDALA:** I _told_ you to go upstairs.

**ZHAAN:** If that's where the wounded are going, I think John belongs up there.

**CHIANA:** Well, yeah, but he's handcuffed to this table and I can't get the _bleep_ ed things open.

**JOOL:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**CHIANA:** Will you--

_Cut to Klingon deli with the BORG QUEEN. She seems to be assimilating some_ gagh _._

**VOICE:** Now _I'm_ scared.

_Cut to the Bajoran shrine with SCORPIUS._

**SCORPIUS** _(into comm)_ **:** I want a ship here within the arn!

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY** _(from comm)_ **:** Of course, sir. Uh, where are you again?

_Cut to SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN, heading down into the lower core._

**SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN:** I must find my true vessel...

_Cut to DUKAT, still stuck in the vertical access tube._

**DUKAT:** I must go!

_BIB FORTUNA comes along and looks down the tube. He's followed by JABBA and entourage._

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Oh Mighty Jabba, I've found something.

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** What?

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** It's something stuck in a tube. A person.

**DUKAT:** Oh, the mighty Pah-wraith!

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** I think it's insane.

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** What a bunch of idiots.

**SELAR:** Ahem! Pay attention to _me_ , handsome!

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** All right then, take it prisoner. Maybe it will make a good dancer.

_BIB FORTUNA waves to the GAMORREANS, who go forward._

**VOICE:** I can't wait.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 34 (about 1800 words) concerning Medical Difficulties, Relatives, Dancing Boys, Ghosts, and People Who Are Usually In Trouble

**34**  


  
_Open on Promenade, still dark, behind the glop-on-a-stick kiosk._

**LOVESTRUCK** _(from offscreen)_ **:** Colonel Kiiiiiirrrraaaa!

**JANEL** _(nervously)_ **:** Some of those grenades are getting awfully close.

**ZIRANNE:** That's for sure.

_Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!_

**ANAKIN:** What idiot is throwing them, anyway?

_JAR JAR swallows the glop._

**JAR JAR:** Gulp! Mesa-- Mmmf!

_NORVO just stuffed some more in his mouth._

**ZIRANNE:** Everybody down!

_They hit the floor as BURGOYNE dances by, singing._

Cut to Promenade walkway as JOR sails by.

**JOR:** You're here, there's nothing I fear...

_After she passes, KASIDY and DATA get up again._

**KASIDY:** There are some people in the bar, we could go there.

**DATA:** I still can't find any sign of Doctor Crusher.

**KASIDY:** Well, I'm going to try to get over to the bar.

_Cut to holosuite._

**JADZIA:** No, honestly, Worf, I'm feeling much better now.

**MOLLY** _(whispering)_ **:** I bet she just wants him to leave.

**NAOMI** _(whispering)_ **:** I don't know, she doesn't look quite as pale.

**MOLLY** _(whispering)_ **:** Well, at least she doesn't look dead.

**MEZOTI** _(whispering)_ **:** He's being unproductive.

**HARRY** _(to WORF)_ **:** Er, maybe they need you downstairs...

**SITO:** Is there anything to eat?

**VIC:** Sorry, it's all holographic.

**ANI:** I want Qui-Gon.

**TOM:** Oh, no! Look what it did to Durst! Run, B'Elanna!

**HARRY:** Tom, that was _years_ ago!

**D'ARGO:** Now, Jothee, we are going to go down and you are going to _behave_!

_JOTHEE looks sulky._

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a Rancor from my imagination...

**NOMI:** I wanna go home.

**MOLLY:** You said he sang like that _everywhere_.

**NOMI:** Yeah, but at least at home there aren't random super-worried guys fussing around.

**KALINDA** _(to CINDEL)_ **:** Hmm, do you think my hair looks right?

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. MARA is in a big chair, playing double solitaire with the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI while CALHOUN stomps around the bridge._

**MARA:** This is going to take forever. I'm surprised Leia's still in there. Even that monk ran away.

_She glances off to the side; the MONK is hiding under the helm console._

**MONK:** Shh!

_Cut to replimat as JOSEPH SISKO comes in, looking nervously behind him. YANAS, SIRELLA, RICHARD, and AMSHA are already there._

**SIRELLA** _(offended enough to announce it to everyone)_ **:** There was a _Borg_ in the Klingon restaurant!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** The one from the turbolift?

**AMSHA:** I'm worried about my poor dear son.

**YANAS:** Both _my_ sons have run off! Stupid boys.

**RICHARD:** There, there, Amsha, I'm sure he's all right.

_MERU stumbles in._

**MERU:** What's happening? What happened to Terek Nor?

**JOSEPH SISKO:** It's _called_ Deep Space Nine.

**MERU:** Really? What happened? Where's Gul Dukat?

**AMSHA:** Who is this person?

**RICHARD:** I don't know.

**SIRELLA:** Some Bajoran collaborator! A person of no honor!

**MERU:** Hey!

_Cut to Ops._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** My lady's eyes are like the skies, a sweet and sunlit blue...

**CHOMPER:** Yeah, yeah, yeah.

_He grins up toothily at the RANDOM CIVILIAN._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN** _(jumping up and down)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Seven-point-five... good duration, excellent style...

**ODO:** Madam, please stop... Madam, you're on a _console_...

**QUI-GON:** Come on, Obi-Wan, let's not trouble these people any further.

**OBI-WAN:** Right!

**KIRA:** Hey, wait! You're just _leaving_ me here?

**ZIYAL:** Nerys! Hello!

_She comes in as the Jedi leave._

**KIRA:** Oh, Prophets.

**ZIYAL:** It's so good to _see_ you! Have you seen my father?

_Cut to lower core. DUKAT is wearing a dancing boy costume._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** I'm not sitting next to him!

**SELAR:** Me neither!

**VOICE:** This is even better. Dukatty the dancing boy, cha cha cha!

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled, to DUKAT)_ **:** Come on, dance. Sit here by lovely Oola.

**OOLA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** No, please no, emphatically no!

_Cut to random hallway. LAUREN and HUGH are carrying BASHIR on a stretcher; he's still out cold. WESLEY is proudly leading the way with a handlight. All the others are walking with them, but there's no sign of JACK or SLOAN._

**TAHIRI:** Where are we going?

**WESLEY:** Er, I think the Promenade.

_Cut to Quark's. D'ARGO and JOTHEE have come down, and someone has taped JOOL's mouth shut._

**JOOL:** Mmmmmmffffff!

**CHIANA** _(satisfied)_ **:** That's better.

**O'BRIEN:** If they want some food, someone should bring some up.

**NEELIX:** I will! Come on, Kes.

**SI CWAN:** No! _I_ should make the decisions!

**KES:** Quiet. Of course I'll come.

**B'ELANNA:** That's an idea. I have Harry playing field medic.

**CHAKOTAY:** Oh, no.

**KES** _(alarmed)_ **:** I'd better hurry.

**ZHAAN:** When you go up, you should bring John. If we can get him loose...

**JOHN:** Just FYI, not to alarm anyone, but Harvey 2.0 is getting vocal again...

**ZHAAN:** Just, er, concentrate on keeping your head down.

**JOHN** _(under his breath)_ **:** Easy for _you_ to say.

**NEELIX:** Now, do we have any mushrooms?

**CHAKOTAY:** Oh, _no_.

_Another grenade explodes._

Cut to KEIKO, WILDMAN, SOLETA, JAINA, and JACEN heading up out of the lower core.

**JACEN:** Snookums? Snookums! Reddy! Fang!

**JAINA:** Please shut up. One of them might actually come.

_Cut to LORE and CROSIS laboring up the turboshaft, still dragging ICHEB. After a moment, we (but not they) see AZAN and REBI following them._

Cut to LAVELLE and company leaving the lift and immediately running into TASHA.

**TASHA:** Will someone tell me what the hell is going on? This station is filled with Cardassians and all sorts of other people, I have no idea how I got here, and I can't find Captain Picard or anyone else who'll give me a straight answer! The closest I got was this Klingon lady babbling about honor! What's going on?

**OGAWA:** Er... Who are you?

**TASHA:** Lieutenant Natasha Yar, _Enterprise_ -D security chief.

**LAVELLE:** Oh, God.

**JAY GORDON:** It's a ghost!

**BARCLAY:** It's not a ghost, that doesn't make sense, er, er... The ghost is my friend, the ghost is my friend, the ghost is my friend...

**TASHA:** I am _not_ a ghost.

**TAURIK:** There is no such thing as a 'ghost.' However, given that Lieutenant Yar is reported dead, I see no logical explanation.

**TASHA** _(shocked)_ **:** What? Dead? I am _not_ dead!

**TAURIK:** You are clearly listed--

**TASHA:** I'm not dead, and I think that I should know!

_Cut to holosuite as NEELIX carries in a tray of food, followed by KES._

**NEELIX:** Chow time!

**SITO:** Bring it here!

**NAOMI:** I want some, too. But only if it isn't fungus pancakes.

**HARRY:** Right. No fungus pancakes.

**MEZOTI:** Fungus pancakes are inedible.

**KALINDA:** Do you have anything low-fat?

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** I'm fine with coffee, thanks.

**AERYN:** What's going on down there?

**KES:** Well... it's hard to explain...

_Cut to Ops._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, the medicine go do-own, the medicine go down...

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Someone do something!

**TOOTHY:** Who, me?

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**ZIYAL:** What _is_ that terrible thing?

**KIRA:** Dunno.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** As I was saying, Odo, we shapeshifters are clearly superior beings -- far more sophisticated, intelligent...

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Ah la one al la two casadilla...!

**ODO:** I see. Then why is _that_ acting like _Burgoyne_?

_Cut to replimat._

**MERU:** But he's wonderful! Kind, and generous, and sweet, and unfailingly merciful!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** This woman is insane.

**SIRELLA:** _Dishonorably_ insane.

**YANAS:** Maybe she means a different Gul Dukat.

**AMSHA:** Er, what did you say your name was?

**MERU:** I'm Kira Meru.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** _Kira_ Meru-- Oh, no.

**YANAS:** What? What's going on?

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Are you by any chance related to a Kira Nerys?

**MERU:** Why, yes! That's my sweet, darling little daughter.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Oh.

**SIRELLA:** Hmm.

_Cut to Quark's. As they speak, everyone at the barricade is shooting, and everyone has to speak over the noise._

**B'ELANNA:** I'm beginning to think we should abandon the station.

**O'BRIEN:** You wouldn't say that if we were on your ship.

**B'ELANNA:** Well, no...

**LUKE:** We're doing all right, I think.

**EZRI:** I'm still worried about the others. Wouldn't they have been attracted by the noise by this time? They could be in trouble.

**LANDO:** Sounds to me like they're usually in trouble.

**LUKE:** Most of the people we know are usually in trouble.

**JOHN:** That's funny, that describes all the people I know, too.

**STARK:** How are you doing?

**JOHN:** I'm in trouble. ****

DAMAR _(slurred)_ **:** No more whisky? How 'bout some, uh, tequila?

**QUARK:** All right, all _right_.

_KASIDY comes down into Quark's._

**KASIDY:** Hey, what's going on?

**SI CWAN:** I am noble! Worship me!

**B'ELANNA:** Shuddup.

**SEVEN:** To use a human expression, what is not?

**JAKE:** Good to see you're okay.

**KASIDY:** Is that... Damar?

**LEETA:** He's been here for hours.

**M'PELLA:** There isn't much of anything left, he drank it all.

**QUARK:** And you idiots didn't even charge him!

**NOG:** Be quiet, Uncle Quark!

_Cut to lower core with JABBA._

**DUKAT:** No! I _don't_ dance!

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Very stubborn.

**DUKAT:** I must find the great Pah-wraith! We shall conquer the universe! Hah-hah!

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** This man is insane.

**VOICE:** Definitely, Oola. Hey, I don't suppose you'd dance for _me_?

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** Forget it!

**VOICE:** Fine, fine. You don't need to be so stubborn.

**SELAR:** I will! I know 'the casadilla dance.'

_Cut to hallway as QUI-GON and OBI-WAN look at a map on the wall._

**OBI-WAN:** It says, 'you are not here.' What good does that do us?

**QUI-GON:** Well, we know we aren't there.

**OBI-WAN:** It's pointing to a reactor, I think we knew we weren't there.

**QUI-GON:** Good point. Where'd Ani go? Isn't he following?

**OBI-WAN:** He wandered off with Queen Amidala and Jar Jar. Some time back.

_Cut to hall with LAVELLE, TASHA, etc. They're heading nervously along towards the distant sound of JOR singing, people firing weapons, and..._

**LOVESTRUCK** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Kiiiiirrrrrraaaaa!

**LAVELLE:** Who's singing?

**TASHA:** Are you asking me?

**LAVELLE:** Well, you _do_ outrank us, even if you're a ghost.

**TASHA:** I am not a ghost! And I _don't_ know who's singing.

**BARCLAY:** The singing is my friend, the singing is my friend, the singing is my friend--

**MARISSA:** Will you stop it?

**JAY GORDON:** Is he afraid of _everything_?

**OGAWA:** I think so.

_Cut to_ Voyager _engineering._

**HAN:** So why are you all scared of this Admiral Dougherty?

**SISKO** _(from up core)_ **:** Picard's scared. That's enough for me.

**JANEWAY** _(from up core)_ **:** Me, too.

**GEORDI** _(from up core)_ **:** He ordered the _Enterprise_ destroyed once, to cooperate with the Son'a.

**TUVOK** _(from up core)_ **:** Hence, retreat is a logical course of action.

**VORIK:** Yes, sir.

_He continues mopping the floor. HAN sits on a console and sighs._

**HAN:** We're _never_ gonna escape.


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 35 (about 1600 words) concerning Being All Better Now, Dancing, Hallucinations, Tequila, Bajoran Ale, Other Determined Misconceptions, and Noncorporeal Relatives

**35**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _conference room as MARTOK enters, trailed by ARLA._

**MARTOK** _(roaring)_ **:** What are you all talking about?

_Everyone turns to look at him._

**TAXCO:** Commander Arla, what is the meaning of this?!

**ARLA:** I'm sorry, Ambassadors, but he _is_ the Klingon Chancellor...

**ROSS:** Ah, Commander Arla! All better now?

**ARLA:** I'm posted on Starbase Admirals R Us, how do you think I am?

**MARTOK:** I heard that Deep Space Nine has been taken over again and you admirals aren't doing a thing to get it back.

**NECHEYEV:** Ah, Chancellor Martok...

**MARTOK:** Don't 'Chancellor' me!

**LEIA:** Thank goodness. Someone with sense.

_PICARD peeks out from under the table, then retreats again._

**DOUGHERTY:** But this is very important. We're conducting a court-martial investigation.

**JELLICO:** And I'm getting Calhoun!

**MARTOK:** Really? I don't care. We need to get the station back. Besides, Sirella's there.

_CALHOUN bursts in._

**CALHOUN:** And I said so!

_Cut to Ops, half-lit._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Hmm, there seems to be some freestyle here.

**CHOMPER:** What a racket!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Hello, Dolly, yes hello, Dolly, it's so nice to have you back where you belong... You're lookin' swell, Dolly, we can tell, Dolly, you're still growin' you're still flowin' you're still goin' strong...

**KIRA:** If you're talking to me, shut up. Please.

**ODO:** I don't think it is.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I feel the room swayin' for the band's playin' one of your old favorite songs from way back when...

**TOOTHY:** That's kind of nice, Chomper. Let's dance!

**CHOMPER:** Sure!

_They start swing-dancing around Ops. KIRA groans._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Someone do something!

**WEYOUN:** Founder? What should I do now?

**ZIYAL:** Nerys? I'm worried about what Father's doing.

**KIRA:** So am I... but I suspect not quite in the same way.

_Cut to holosuite as VIC, HARRY, NEELIX, and KES together manage to push WORF out._

**JADZIA:** I'm _so_ embarrassed.

**NAOMI:** Don't be. Neelix is sometimes like that.

_SITO is sitting at one of the tables with the kids devouring the food. TOM is wandering around again; after WORF is gone, KES starts trying to make him sit down._

**KES:** Come on, L-- E-- M-- L-- Tom, sit...

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! The starship-eating creature!

**JADZIA:** I'm okay. Really.

**NAOMI:** Uh-huh. Have some food.

**MEZOTI:** We are fortunate. Neelix brought no fungus pancakes.

**VIC:** Food should make you feel better. Come on.

_He helps JADZIA over to the table._

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I will cast all the evil spirits out! There! Now isn't that better?

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear.

**AERYN:** Having to stay up here is just making my headache worse. Can't I go down?

**KES:** No. ****

_Cut to replimat._

**MERU:** I don't know what you're talking about!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** All I know is, Colonel Kira Nerys is second-in-command of Deep Space Nine, a _very_ skilled soldier, was in the Bajoran Resistance since she was twelve, and one of her uppermost goals in life is to kill Gul Dukat.

**MERU:** I'm not listening!

_Cut to Klingon deli. The BORG QUEEN is sitting in the middle of a pile of_ gagh _._

Enter SKIPPY.

**SKIPPY:** I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker!

**BORG QUEEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! A source of imperfection!

_Cut to Ops._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Everybody... yeah... rock your body... yeah... Backstreet's back -- alright!

**ODO:** Thank you for sharing that.

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** Calling Gul Dukat... Dukat? Where's Dukat?

**ZIYAL:** Something terrible must have happened!

**KIRA:** To whom? Oh, Prophets, I hope it's not Jadzia again.

**ZIYAL:** Huh?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** And we're mean and turf and we're mean and turf and we're mean and turf and me and my friends can walk towards you with our hats on backwards in a menacing way.

**CHOMPER:** Can't you sing something better for dancing?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I could have danced all night but my pants were too tight but I don't wear pants at all...

**TOOTHY:** No, not that!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Oh it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing, do-wah do-wah do-wah.

**TOOTHY:** Much better.

_They continue dancing._

**KIRA:** Hey, it's responding. That's a good sign, isn't it?

_The FOUNDER gives her an icy look._

Cut to random hallway as JACK and SLOAN fight their way along. From the sound, they're quite near the Promenade.

**JOR** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Every night in my dreams...

**LOVESTRUCK** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Colonel Kira! Colonel Kira!

**JOOL** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Mmmmmmmmmmfffff!

**BURGOYNE** _(from off-screen)_ **:** Ah la one ah la two casadilla...

_Cut to Promenade, still dark, as they spill out and careen madly between STORMTROOPERS, CARDASSIANS, JEM'HADAR, BURGOYNE, and LOVESTRUCK, nearly knocking over the jumja kiosk in passing._

**NORVO:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_ANAKIN gives a wail of despair._

**ANAKIN:** Oh, no! I was almost to the hundredth level, and those idiots made me lose my last life!

**JAR JAR:** Mmph!

**JANEL:** Look out!

_He knocks NORVO to the floor as JACK and SLOAN go by again._

**ZIRANNE:** Who _are_ those people?!

**NORVO:** Let's run for the bar!

**JANEL:** The replimat's closer--

**NORVO:** We can't! Mother's in there! She'll kill me!

**JANEL:** The bar it is!

**JAR JAR:** Mmph!

**ANAKIN:** I can't believe it! I was _so close_!

_Cut to_ Voyager _conference room._

**ROSS:** Er, there is one slight problem, Chancellor.

**MARTOK:** What?

**JELLICO:** Calhoun!

**VADOSIA:** Quiet.

**ROSS:** Does anyone in this room pilot a ship? The crew ran away.

**ARLA:** Ran away?

**LEIA:** All the crews.

**TAXCO:** Shameful!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** My worthless son's fault, I'm sure.

**NECHEYEV:** I think it was the Maquis influence.

**ROSS:** Maybe a Dominion spy.

**JELLICO:** Or Calhoun.

**NECHEYEV:** Probably Maquis.

**ROSS:** Probably Dominion.

**JELLICO:** Probably Calhoun.

**NECHEYEV:** Maquis!

**ROSS:** Dominion!

**JELLICO:** Calhoun!

**NECHEYEV:** Ma--

**LEIA:** Not another word! Don't you _dare_ start that again.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Are you considering leaving now?

_Cut to lower core._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Dance! Dance, you idiot!

_Cut to Quark's, with WICKET and TEEBO._

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Hah! Hah! Take that! And that! Stormtrooper for dinner!

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** You're disgusting!

_Elsewhere in the bar..._

**B'ELANNA:** I wish Jor would be quiet.

**SHELBY:** And Burgoyne.

**O'BRIEN:** I wish there wasn't a Pah-wraith on the station.

**JAKE:** So do I. Ugh!

**JOHN** _(muttered)_ **:** I think we can all guess what _I_ wish... shut up, I wasn't talking to you!

**STARK:** Stay calm. The Scorpius in your head -- no, never mind.

**D'ARGO:** Honor! Glory! ****

WORF: Honor! Glory!

**EZRI:** Worf, we're defending a _bar_.

**CHAKOTAY:** Tell him not to go over the barricade!

**EZRI:** What makes you think he'll listen to me?

**GARAK:** He listens to no one.

**JAKE:** And jumps on lots of people.

**LUKE:** He's going over!

_WORF leaps the barricade and lands on WILDMAN._

**WILDMAN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**SOLETA:** He didn't land on me. I am amazed.

**KEIKO:** _Worf_ , it's _us_!

**JAINA:** Hey, calm down!

**LUKE:** Hi, kids. Good to see you're okay. Come on in.

_JAINA and JACEN scramble over the barricade and drop the equipment on the bar next to DAMAR._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** More tequila!

**QUARK:** It's gone.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** All right then... Bajoran ale?

**QUARK:** It's terrible.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** I'll have some.

_Cut to replimat._

**MERU:** That's not true! I'm sure my daughter and Gul Dukat would get along fabulously.

**VOICE:** Dukatty thinks the same thing.

**SIRELLA:** Who was that?

**VOICE:** The Voice, Sirella dearie. _Dukatty_ thinks she should be swept off her feet, but _Nerys_ thinks she should stab him to death.

**MERU:** What a horrible voice!

**YANAS:** Does she never shut up?

_JACK and SLOAN crash into the replimat._

**MERU:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** An old talent returns... Eight-point-five!

**JACK** _(while fighting)_ **:** So you wanted to kidnap him, hmm, hmm, hmm?

**SLOAN** _(while fighting)_ **:** You can't beat me! I'm with Section 31!

_They crash out again._

**RICHARD:** Kidnap whom?

_Cut to Garak's, where DARTH VADER is giving orders to all the STORMTROOPERS._

**DARTH VADER:** Sweep down the--

_Comlink beeps._

**DARTH VADER** _(into comlink)_ **:** Yes? What! No, I heard you. The Emperor's coming here? Oh, no. Catch who? I'll get the rebels-- No, not the _Ewoks_!

_Cut to NEEDA bravely guarding the_ Enterprise _hydroponics bay._

Cut to Enterprise _bridge, as PATTERSON continues with the Kiddie Safe-T Scissors._

**RO:** This is hopeless.

**PATTERSON:** Don't worry! The executive officer in charge of radishes is here to save the day!

**RO** _(despairingly)_ **:** Yeah, I know.

**ROBIN:** Help! Help!

_Cut to_ Voyager _engineering, up the warp core._

**GEORDI:** My arms are getting sore.

_FLASH to Prophet-land with SISKO and SARAH._

**SARAH:** The Gateway of the Temple is in danger.

**SISKO:** Yeah, I know...

**SARAH:** The Sisko must return to the Gateway of the Temple.

**SISKO** _(embarrassed)_ **:** I'm _trying_.

**SARAH:** The Sisko's team is in danger. The Kosst Amojin seeks to destroy the Temple. The Sisko's team will seek to stop the Kosst Amojin.

**SISKO:** Right. Right. I have to get back there. Er, is anyone dead yet? Like my science officer? Again?

**SARAH:** The vessel of the False Prophet is in the realm of the Bringers of Boredom.

**SISKO:** You mean Arla Rees? I thought she was all better now.

**SARAH:** The Sisko must return to--

**SISKO:** _Mom_! I _know_ that! Could you answer my question?

**SARAH:** The Sisko's team is in danger.

**SISKO:** Arrrrgh!

_FLASH to_ Voyager _engineering as SISKO falls off the core and lands on VORIK._

**JANEWAY:** Captain Sisko?

**SISKO:** _Mom_!

**HAN:** What are you _doing_?

_FLASH back to Prophet-land._

**SARAH:** The Sisko remains in the domain of the Bringers of Boredom. I must choose a vessel.

**SISKO:** You must _what_?!

**SARAH:** The Sisko must return to the Gateway of the Temple.

**SISKO:** _I_ don't have to be the vessel, do I?

**SARAH:** The Sisko still is not at the Gateway of the Temple. Goodbye.

**SISKO:** I guess that was a no. Oh, _bleep_.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 36 (about 1800 words) concerning Prophets, Possession, Ancestral War Cries, Craziness, and Not Being All Better Now After All

**36**  


  
_Open on Ops, half-lit._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Girls, can you do the Can-Can, kick as high as you can...

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Of course I can Can-Can!

_She begins Can-Can-ing on the console, a mistake since she's only wearing a towel. ODO, CHOMPER, WEYOUN, and the camera quickly look the other way._

**ZIYAL:** That's stupid!

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** This is not going well.

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** Well, then--

_KIRA suddenly straightens._

**ZIYAL:** Nerys?

_FLASH to Prophet-land._

**SARAH:** I require a vessel.

**KIRA** _(enthusiastically)_ **:** Sure!

_Back to Ops as KIRA begins to sort-of glow._

**ODO:** Oh, no, not again.

**ZIYAL:** What? What's happening?

**ODO:** Um... how to explain...?

_Cut to turboshaft as LORE and CROSIS continue, dragging ICHEB._

**ICHEB:** You are both utter morons! __

Cut to Promenade as JACK and SLOAN crash past outside Quark's.

Cut to Quark's.

**B'ELANNA:** Who the hell...

**SHELBY:** Who knows?

**O'BRIEN:** Uh oh.

**CHAKOTAY:** What?

**O'BRIEN:** I think I recognize them... and neither of them is supposed to be here.

**TROI:** Well, if you come right down to it, neither are we.

**CHIANA:** Look, I've tried everything I can think of, and they won't come open.

**JOHN** _(muttering)_ **:** No -- _no_ \-- I'm not listening -- I can't _hear_ you!

**ZHAAN** _(sighing)_ **:** Well, just don't let him near a weapon. ****

XYON _(whispered, to SOLETA)_ **:** Can't you knock him out or something?

**SI CWAN:** Noble! Noble!

_Cut to hall as an extremely irritated TASHA leads her group along towards the Promenade._

**TASHA:** I don't think the kids should have come.

**MARISSA:** Us?

**TASHA** _(sarcastically)_ **:** No, Lieutenant Barclay!

**JAY GORDON:** He _is_ a bit of a scaredy-cat.

**BARCLAY:** Me?

_Cut to holosuite._

**WILDMAN:** I really don't think you should have taken the shuttle, Naomi.

**NAOMI:** But we were coming to rescue you!

**KEIKO:** No matter _what_ you were planning--

_Cut to Quark's as NORVO, JANEL, ZIRANNE, and ANAKIN climb in._

**EZRI** _(shocked and appalled)_ **:** _What_ are you two doing here?

**NORVO:** Hi, Zee!

**JANEL:** Mother decided we should come and visit. Since Norvo got parole and all.

_EZRI buries her face in her hands._

**ZIRANNE:** Um, I'm looking for my sister? Jadzia Dax?

**ANAKIN:** Hi, Uncle Luke. Hi, Jaina. Whatever Jacen's holding, make him keep it away from me.

**JACEN:** Oh, come on, it's just Jack the Ripper.

_Cut to lower core. DUKAT is sulking at the end of his chain._

**SELAR** _(to DUKAT)_ **:** Hel _lo_ , handsome!

**VOICE:** Getting desperate, are we? __

Cut to other part of lower core with SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN.

**SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN:** I must find a more appropriate vessel. __

Cut to Klingon deli as SKIPPY runs off screaming.

**BORG QUEEN:** That takes care of _that_. _(pulls out compact mirror)_ I hope Locutus gets here soon.

_Someone else comes in -- JAR JAR._

**JAR JAR:** Mmmfa mmf mmf mmf!

**BORG QUEEN:** Oh, no.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. All the ADMIRALS, JANEWAY, PICARD, SISKO, CALHOUN, TAXCO, VADOSIA, ARLA, MCHENRY, TUVOK, GEORDI, VORIK, LEIA, HAN, MARA, KAI WINN, the MONK, RYGEL, and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI are distributed around the bridge. CALHOUN is waving his sword._

**HAN:** I hope that Martok guy gets back soon.

**LEIA:** He does seem to be the only one able to move things along here...

**VOICE:** Mackenzie Calhoun will now demonstrate his ancestral Xenexian war cry.

**CALHOUN** _(in Xenexian subtitled)_ **:** I'll get you, you _bleep_ ing _bleep_ s of _bleep_ s!

**RYGEL:** Hmmph! I have more ancestors than you do! ****

SISKO: We need to get back to the station.

**JANEWAY:** Whatever you say.

_She sits down in her chair._

**JANEWAY:** Ensign X, report to the bridge. _(pause)_ Where's Ensign X?

_Cut to mess hall, where ENSIGN X, ENSIGN LAMPSHADE, ENSIGN PILLOWCASE, and CHEWBACCA are playing cards._

Cut back to bridge.

**GEORDI:** I'll fly the ship.

_He takes conn; PICARD takes the other big chair, leaving SISKO standing, CALHOUN still storming, and the ADMIRALS and AMBASSADORS like a line-up at the back wall._

**HAN:** Hey, what's this panel do?

**PICARD:** Don't touch it.

**HAN:** Well? What?

**MARA:** Careful, I think you're about to fire a torpedo.

**HAN** _(satisfied)_ **:** I thought so.

**DOUGHERTY:** What's this panel do?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** That's the--

_Darkness falls._

**LEIA:** Light switch?

**DOUGHERTY:** Oh.

_Lights go back on._

**KAI WINN:** Pray to the... pray to... pray... er, pray.

**MONK:** Eminence?

**ARLA:** Pray. Right. Pray.

**SISKO:** Ah, Commander Arla! All better now?

**ARLA:** No!

_She tears off the bridge._

**SISKO:** Uh oh.

_Cut to Ops, half-lit, as KIRA/SARAH sits down and apparently begins to meditate._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** High on the hill there's a big old house with something wrong inside it. Spirits walk the halls and make no effort now to hide it...

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Hey! I can do the Can-Can!

**ZIYAL:** What happened to Kira?

**ODO:** She's been possessed by a Prophet.

**WEYOUN:** Really? Hmm.

**ODO** _(under his breath)_ **:** I just hope that doesn't mean the Pah-wraith is possessing people, too.

_Cut to deli as SNOOKUMS/KOSST AMOJIN comes in._

**BORG QUEEN:** There you are, you nasty little--

_She gets SNOOKUMS by the neck, then turns, startled, as JAR JAR stiffens. The jumja stick vaporizes._

**BORG QUEEN:** Er...

**SNOOKUMS:** Gakk!

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** I am the Kosst Amojin!

_Note: while grammar may be normal, it still has JAR JAR's voice._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** I am all-powerful!

_Cut to_ Voyager _shuttle bay as ARLA charges in and runs into -- whyever it's here -- a runabout_ Dumfershire _._

Cut to inside of the Dumfershire _as ARLA starts it up._

**ARLA:** I'm coming! I'm coming!

_Cut to shuttle bay. MARA and MCHENRY come in just as the runabout zooms away._

**MCHENRY:** What's the matter with her? __

Cut to PILOT's den.

**PILOT:** Attention to the starship _Voyager_ , one of your landing craft has just left.

**SISKO** _(from comm)_ **:** _Bleep_ ity _bleep_ _bleep_!

**JANEWAY** _(from comm)_ **:** Er, yes. Don't worry, it won't get very far. A _Dumfershire_ , you know. __

Cut to replimat as ZEK and ISHKA come in.

**ZEK:** Hello, everyone!

**YANAS:** Ah. Ferengi.

**ISHKA:** Of course we're Ferengi!

**MERU** _(close to tears)_ **:** Do _you_ believe the dreadful lies about Gul Dukat? Tell me you don't!

**ISHKA:** As I understand it, nothing they say about Dukat could be worse than the truth.

**ZEK:** No business sense!

_Cut to Quark's._

**SEVEN:** A Borg is approaching.

**STARK:** What's a Borg?

_No one sees fit to tell him._ ****

B'ELANNA: Great. Borg, Species 8472...

**VALERIE:** I resent that remark!

**VOICE:** Resemble it, too.

**B'ELANNA** _(ignoring her)_ **:** Now all we need is a Vidiian or two, a few Kazon, Malon, and some Hirojen, and we have all the comforts of the Delta Quadrant.

**CHAKOTAY:** I'll be sure to mention that to the captain.

**B'ELANNA:** And I'll note that with the -- admittedly significant -- exception of Seska, there weren't any Cardassians in the Delta Quadrant.

**CHAKOTAY:** Yes, I know.

**B'ELANNA:** Or Jem'Hadar...

**CHAKOTAY:** Also true.

**B'ELANNA:** I'm aiming at a point here...

**O'BRIEN:** We got it.

**SHELBY:** Am I the only one who's adequately worried about there being _Borg_ here?!

**RIKER:** No, I'm-- Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_HUGH has just popped up over the barricade._

**HUGH:** Hello. I am Hugh.

**RIKER** _(relieved)_ **:** Oh, it's you.

**WESLEY:** Commander Riker! It's me, reporting for duty!

**NASHIRA:** Uncle Luke, these people are all crazy!

**LUKE:** Anyone you kids are around for any length of time is crazy.

**ANAKIN:** What's that supposed to mean?

**TAHIRI:** The truth, naturally!

**LAUREN:** Hel _lo_ , everyone.

**O'BRIEN:** What happened to Julian?

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Look, a fat one with white hair.

_All the new arrivals, including the stretcher with BASHIR, are hauled over the barricade._

**EZRI:** Oh, no. What happened?

**WESLEY:** Something with somebody named Sloan.

**O'BRIEN:** I _knew_ it!

**EZRI:** We'd better get him up to the holosuite. He doesn't look too bad, though...

_Cut to deli as JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN lurches out._

**SNOOKUMS:** Urrrgh! Lemme go!

_The BORG QUEEN drops SNOOKUMS into the_ gagh _._

**SNOOKUMS:** Yuk!

_Cut to Promenade as JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN lurches between the opposing forces and narrowly eludes being swept into a waltz by BURGOYNE._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** Mesa-- Arrgh! This is worse! Where's Dukat?

_Cut to lower core. DUKAT, scowling, is doing a hornpipe._

Cut to Dumfershire _speeding through space._

**ARLA** _(voice-over)_ **:** I'm here... I'm waiting... I'm your vessel...

**VOICE:** Now you know why everyone asks 'all better now?' And the answer: A resounding NO! __

Cut to Ops.

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Well, if no one here will take my complaint, then I'll go find someone else!

_She marches off._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I will follow you... follow you wherever you may go...

**ODO:** Now it's paraphrasing.

_The DOMINION SPY oozes after the RANDOM CIVILIAN._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN** _(from hall)_ **:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Go away!

**ZIYAL:** Where are they going?

**ODO:** It's anyone's guess. _(pause)_ Nerys? Are you back yet?

**KIRA/SARAH:** I await the--

**ODO:** I'll take that as a no.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**TAXCO:** We aren't moving!

**PICARD:** Ambassador--

**TAXCO:** _Madam_ Ambassador!

**CALHOUN:** Be quiet!

**TAXCO:** Hmmph!

**RYGEL** _(competitively)_ **:** Hmmmph!

**TAXCO:** Hmmmmph!

**RYGEL:** Hmm--

**MARA:** _Stop_ that.

**VADOSIA:** Well, young man, why aren't we moving?

**GEORDI:** I don't know.

**JANEWAY:** We seem to be docked.

_They look at the ADMIRALS._

**SISKO:** Why are we docked?

**NECHEYEV:** I don't know, Admiral Boren, why _are_ we docked?

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Starfleet Regulation blah blah blah...

**ROSS:** Forget Starfleet regulations!

_The other ADMIRALS gasp in utter horror._

**NECHEYEV:** Admiral Ross!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Only captains are supposed to say that!

**JELLICO:** You bad boy!

_Enter MARTOK._

**MARTOK:** I thought we were going to the station!

**HAN:** Oh, good.

_Cut to holosuite as EZRI and O'BRIEN carry in BASHIR and get him off the stretcher._

**HARRY:** What happened to him?

**EZRI:** We aren't sure. He just seems to be asleep, though, which is odd...

**O'BRIEN:** Should be fine. Why is there a Cardassian in here?

**CARDASSIAN TECH** _(looking up)_ **:** Chief O'Brien, right? Let me just say I am really impressed that you can keep the systems here patched at _all_. You should consider doing a paper on it.

**O'BRIEN:** Oh, well...

_NASHIRA and TAHIRI come in, NASHIRA sulkily._

**NASHIRA:** I'm _not_ a noncombatant. Anakin gets to stay downstairs, why don't I?!

**TAHIRI:** Don't ask me, this wasn't my idea.

**KEIKO:** I'm going back down with you, Miles.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Okay!

**HARRY:** I wish I could.

**AERYN:** I'm going to--

**KES:** Oh no you're not! ****

NEELIX: All right, sandwiches for everyone... except Tom, who just gets a glass of cold water.

**TOM:** I'm drowning! I'm drowning!

**KES:** I'm not sure _what's_ the matter.

**TAHIRI:** Solo-itis!

**NASHIRA:** Naahhh, looks like Scarlet Death bite to me.

**KALINDA:** I hope Xyon and Si Cwan are all right.

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Oh Great Golden God, protect Wicket and Teebo from the terrible war... and from each other.

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 37 (about 1700 words) concerning Docking Clamps, Grenades, and Diverse Other Difficulties

**37**  


  
_Open on TASHA and company on the Promenade walkway._

**LOVESTRUCK** _(from below)_ **:** Kira, I looove you!

**LAVELLE:** This is totally insane.

_They have to duck._

**JOR:** Near, far...

**OGAWA:** Maybe we should go back to the ship.

**MARISSA:** Cowards!

**BARCLAY:** Between ghosts--

**TASHA:** I'm _not_ a ghost!

**BARCLAY:** Cardassians, Jem'Hadar, and crazy singing people...

**LAVELLE:** I think it's time for a strategic withdrawal.

_Cut to Ops._

**ZIYAL:** Why are the lights out?

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** I keep _asking_ Weyoun, but I still don't have an answer.

**WEYOUN:** Dukat's fault. It seems very quiet all of a sudden.

**CHOMPER:** Well, with the singing goop and that screaming lady gone...

**ODO** _(to ZIYAL)_ **:** Computer virus. Did have something to do with Dukat, though.

_Cut to hallway, dark, as the DOMINION SPY continues following the RANDOM CIVILIAN._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Oh that'll be the day, when you make me cry, you say you're gonna leave, you know it's a lie, cause that'll be the da-aa-ay when I die!

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Go away!

_Cut to Quark's as a grenade explodes on the Promenade, peppering the bar and its defenders with shrapnel. Some people duck; others don't._

**SEVEN:** Commander!

**B'ELANNA:** Chakotay, are you all right?

_He's struggling upright, bleeding from the shoulder._

**CHAKOTAY:** It's not that bad--

**B'ELANNA:** You need Kes.

**GARAK:** My, what a mess.

**NOG:** Oh, no!

**JAKE:** Are you okay?

**NOG:** _Look_ at my leg!

_NOG's artificial leg has been hit; wires are hanging out._

AMIDALA is looking at a hole shrapnel tore in her robes. The HANDMAIDENS are looking nervous.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Hey!

_A piece of shrapnel knocked his drink off the bar._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** I need a new drink, bartender!

_QUARK gets up off the floor behind the bar, looking shaken._

**EZRI:** Worf, did you get hit?

**WORF:** No.

**RIKER:** He got hit.

**EZRI:** You should get that looked at, Worf... Are you all right, Chief?

_O'BRIEN and KEIKO are getting up._

**O'BRIEN:** We ducked. You?

**EZRI:** Fine, it wasn't near me. Where'd Rom and Leeta go? Kasidy?

**LEETA:** We're okay.

**KASIDY:** So am I.

**SI CWAN:** I am nobly unhurt!

**SHELBY:** Of course you are. Soleta?

**SOLETA:** Fine.

_XYON's glasses are broken._

**JANEL:** Norvo?

**NORVO:** I'm alright. I think.

**ZIRANNE:** So am I.

**LUKE:** There's Lando... Kids?

**JAINA:** Just missed us.

**ANAKIN:** It hit my video game!

**EVERYONE ELSE:** Good!

**RIKER:** Deanna? Where are you?

**TROI:** Over here. Your duplicate is unconscious. Where's Wesley?

**WESLEY:** I'm all right.

**PATRICK:** I got a boo-boo!

_It's a cut finger._

**LAUREN:** I'll kiss it and make it better.

**DELL:** I got hit! I got hit!

**B'ELANNA:** No you didn't.

**D'ARGO:** Are you hurt, Jothee?

**JOTHEE:** No.

**STARK:** Are you all right?

**CHIANA:** Lovely. How's -- oh, _bleep_. Figures.

_JOHN got hit with a large piece and is bleeding profusely._ ****

ZHAAN: We have to get him out of the way.

**JOOL:** Mmmmmmmmmmfffff! ****

WICKET _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Are you all right?

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** I guess so.

**HUGH:** I was struck, but I am undamaged.

**VALERIE:** I'm all right, if anybody cares.

**SEVEN:** Cease complaining.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**PICARD:** Well?

**GEORDI** _(from combadge)_ **:** The docking clamps are locked. We'll have to release them manually.

**TUVOK** _(from combadge)_ **:** I am uncertain how this happened.

**JANEWAY:** Well, get to it!

**NECHEYEV:** We should launch a full investigation immediately.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** I was trying to tell you, the docking clamps--

_Cut to docking ring as Emperor's GUARDS come out of an airlock, followed by Emperor PALPATINE. Emperor-music goes on._

**PALPATINE:** I want my Ewoks!

_Emperor-music sputters to a halt._

_Cut to Garak's. DARTH VADER is sitting with his helmet in his hands._

**DARTH VADER:** Ewoks. He comes to get the _Ewoks_. He doesn't care about Skywalker, but the _Ewoks_ \--

**VOICE:** There, there, Darthie, it's all right. As I said, it's probably just another phase.

**DARTH VADER:** _Ewoks_!

_Cut to DOMINION SPY following RANDOM CIVILIAN._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Get lost!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I know I could survive buried alive with you!

_Cut to random hall with QUI-GON and OBI-WAN._

**QUI-GON:** Oh, no. _Two_ Sith. Or -- is it three? I didn't think there _could_ be three Sith at once!

_Cut to holosuite. Everyone but the EWOKS, TOM, and the unconscious BASHIR is sitting around tables eating, although the CARDASSIAN TECH is sticking to coffee._

**NEELIX:** Eat up, everyone!

**AERYN:** Really, I'm fine.

**KES:** Quiet. ****

MEZOTI: The food is acceptable.

**KALINDA:** I hope I'm not getting fat!

**MOLLY:** Is there any ice cream?

**TOM:** Ice! I'm freezing!

**NAOMI:** We _know_.

**JADZIA** _(continuing)_ **:** What really worries me is that the Pah-wraith is around here somewhere.

**HARRY:** I'm worried about a lot.

**WILDMAN:** Calm down, I'm sure they can--

_The door opens. B'ELANNA helps CHAKOTAY in and RIKER hauls in THOMAS RIKER._

**B'ELANNA:** Kes! We need you!

**SITO:** What happened?

**B'ELANNA:** Shrapnel from the grenades. That idiot Worf was hurt, too, but even Seven couldn't get him to come up.

_She turns CHAKOTAY over to KES; THOMAS RIKER is deposited on the floor._

**RIKER:** We have to get back down there. Things are heating up.

**HARRY:** Er, good luck.

**CHAKOTAY:** Why is there a--

**JADZIA:** Cardassian in here, we know, and we've been over this already.

_Cut to JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN wobbling around the Promenade._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** There is something wrong with this vessel!

_Cut to Ops. Blue light is flashing around KIRA/SARAH._

**ZIYAL:** That's making me nervous.

**ODO:** I'm not surprised.

_Cut to runabout with ARLA._

**ARLA:** All better now, huh? Well, I'm _not_!

_Cut to Quark's as TASHA, LAVELLE, OGAWA, TAURIK, BARCLAY, MARISSA, and JAY GORDON climb over the barricade._

**B'ELANNA:** _More_ people? It's starting to get crowded.

**JAKE** _(cheerfully)_ **:** We can handle it.

**ROM:** That's right! We can handle anything!

_LEETA waves a phaser rifle._

**SEVEN:** Ah, welcome to our base.

**RIKER** _(seeing TASHA)_ **:** Oh, god. Dead people are coming back left, right, and center today!

**O'BRIEN:** It seems to be going around.

**STARK:** Just so long as they aren't doing strange things _while_ on the other side.

**JANEL:** Who _are_ all these people?

**EZRI:** I don't know.

**ZIRANNE:** I really do want to see my sister...

**EZRI:** Oh. You're Ziranne, of course... I'm your sister's alter ego... or is it the other way around?

**SHELBY:** Despite the source, it was a good question--

**JANEL:** Hey!

**SHELBY:** Who are all these people?

**TAURIK:** I'm Ensign Taurik.

**RIKER:** This is Lieutenant Lavelle, Lieutenant Barclay, Lieutenant Yar, Nurse Ogawa, and... some kids.

**MARISSA:** I'm Number One!

**JAY GORDON:** And I'm a science officer!

**B'ELANNA** _(ignoring them)_ **:** A nurse? Great. We're taking wounded up to the holosuite; Kes needs all the help she can get up there. The kids can go there, too.

**ZHAAN:** Does anyone here know how to open these handcuffs? ****

LAVELLE: Where's Captain Picard?

**TROI:** Still at Starbase Admirals R Us, I assume.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**SISKO:** I wish they'd hurry up. I'm a little concerned that Commander Arla might get into trouble.

**VOICE:** You mean _cause_ trouble, Benjamin.

**PICARD:** However did the clamps get locked, anyway?

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** I was saying-- ****

MARTOK: This is stupid.

**CALHOUN:** That's what I said!

**HAN:** That's what _I_ said!

**TAXCO:** Be quiet, you rude man!

**JANEWAY:** I wonder what's going on back at the station, anyway?

_Cut to random turbolift with QUI-GON and OBI-WAN._

**OBI-WAN:** So do yo think this thing is moving at _all_?

**QUI-GON:** It's hard to be certain...

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**SISKO:** I'm serious. I _need_ to get back there.

**LEIA:** You mentioned that.

**HAN:** Some good versus evil thing. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt, had it stolen by my kids. _(frowns)_ All of a sudden I feel really old.

**RYGEL:** Just so long as I can stay here where it's nice and safe.

**JANEWAY:** Calm down, Captain Sisko. I'm sure they'll have us loose in no time.

_Her combadge beeps. She taps it._

**JANEWAY:** Janeway here.

**TUVOK** _(from combadge)_ **:** Captain, there has been a problem with Ensign Vorik.

**JANEWAY:** What?

**GEORDI** _(from combadge)_ **:** The docking clamp seems to be trying to eat him.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Yes! Exactly! These clamps try to eat things!

_Cut to LORE, CROSIS, and ICHEB being overtaken and passed by another turbolift._

**LORE** _(grudgingly)_ **:** Maybe this _isn't_ the most efficient means of transport available.

**ICHEB:** _Now_ he gets it! __

Cut to inside lift.

**PALPATINE:** I want to zap somebody. It's fun.

_The GUARDS make no comment._

Cut to replimat. MERU is sniffling, ZEK is mumbling, AMSHA is wringing her hands, JOSEPH SISKO is pacing, YANAS is glowering, and the others are standing or sitting around.

A dying CARDASSIAN falls in.

**AMSHA:** Dreadful!

**SIRELLA:** Milksop.

**JOR** _(sailing past)_ **:** You're here, there's nothing I fear...

_A grenade explodes somewhere on the Promenade._

**MERU:** I'm scared.

**YANAS** _(grouchily)_ **:** That's the first sensible thing you've said.

**ISHKA:** Maybe she's gained sanity.

**MERU:** I hope Dukat can save me!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** It must have been only temporary.

**BURGOYNE** _(dancing past)_ **:** Morning noon and night it's drink and dancing...

**RICHARD:** Someone's coming.

_Enter LWAXANA._

**LWAXANA:** Where's my daughter?!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Er...

**LWAXANA:** _I_ am Ambassador Lwaxana Troi!! Now, where's my daughter?!

**YANAS:** How are we supposed to know?

**LWAXANA:** I _knew_ those stupid admirals couldn't get anything done!! They're probably sitting around trying to figure out how to undock!!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**GEORDI** _(from combadge)_ **:** All right, he's loose, but we can't get near the clamps.

**VADOSIA:** I suggest you run at them!

**JANEWAY:** I can't believe this.

**HAN:** It was bound to happen sooner or later.

**SISKO:** Leave it to Starbase Admirals R Us to have carnivorous docking clamps.

_The CAPTAINS glare at the ADMIRALS._

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** I don't know what you're talking about.

**ROSS:** You know, I always wondered what happened to that transport... I got off, and the next thing I knew it was gone, and I had to catch a ride home with someone else.

**ADMIRAL BOREN:** Impossible.

**NECHEYEV:** I've lost a shuttle or two myself...

**TUVOK** _(from combadge)_ **:** Captain, there is another slight problem.

**JANEWAY:** Now what?

**GEORDI** _(from combadge)_ **:** Now it's trying to eat _him_.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 38 (about 1700 words) concerning Bad Puns, How to Deal With Docking Clamps, Another Dubious Attack, and Another Noncorporeal Entity

**38**  


  
_Open on the RANDOM CIVILIAN running down the Promenade, still in the towel, dodging phaser blasts, with the DOMINION SPY oozing after her._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** You know it's true... Everything I do... I do it for you!

_It oozes out of sight. JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN staggers past, grinning insanely._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** Where's Dukat when I actually need him? He had better not be flirting!

_Cut to lower core with JABBA and company._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** No, please, no, let him not do the macarena!

**SELAR:** I _like_ the macarena! One maca two maca three macarena-- __

Cut to holosuite.

**MARISSA** _(sulkily)_ **:** I don't see why we had to come up here.

**TAHIRI:** Anakin _ought_ to be up here.

**NAOMI:** Stop complaining. It's fun up here. We can all be medical assistants.

**JAY GORDON:** Why?

**NAOMI:** Ensign Kim needs all the assistance he can get.

_TAHIRI groans._

**MOLLY:** Get it? Assistants, assistance, help?

**JAY GORDON:** Yeah, yeah, I get it.

**MEZOTI:** It was not particularly funny. I am concerned for Azan, Rebi, and Icheb.

_OGAWA is scanning JADZIA, while talking to SITO._

**OGAWA:** I'm so glad you're alive!

**SITO:** Well, so am I.

**OGAWA:** I'm sure-- Ah, I think I've found the damage.

**JADZIA:** Great. Can you do anything about it?

**OGAWA:** Not here. And I'm only a nurse... But it isn't getting any worse, and I think you'll recover on your own. Now, next patient...

**CHAKOTAY:** Can't you hurry up?

**KES:** I'm trying to remove the fragment, Commander. Please hold still.

**VIC:** Never try to argue with a doctor. They always win.

**CHAKOTAY:** Right.

**KES:** I wish we had some painkillers.

**CHAKOTAY:** Me, too. Ouch!

**AERYN:** If the injury's that simple, can't you just fix it?

**HARRY:** Tom, come back here!

_TOM is trying to run into the casino, bumping into things and weaving back and forth._

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! The Jaws of Janeway!

**SITO:** The _what_? Isn't that your captain?

**HARRY:** _Tom_!

_He catches up with TOM and pulls him back._

**HARRY:** Will you please stay put?

**NAOMI:** Tie him up.

**KIRAYOSHI:** Ice cream?

**NEELIX:** On the way!

**MOLLY:** I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!

**MEZOTI:** Ah. Unity.

**NOMI:** I want some, too!

**THOMAS RIKER** _(mumbling)_ **:** What happened?

**OGAWA:** Apparently a grenade. Hold still.

**KES:** All right, Commander, I have the shrapnel out, but without a proper sickbay I can't completely patch you up. You've lost a lot of blood, so you'll have to stay here.

**JADZIA:** Maybe I should lie down or something. _(pause)_ By the way, what happened to Julian?

**TAHIRI:** Something with being captured by some guy named Sloan. Only he just seems to be asleep.

_Cut to Voyager hallway, near docking clamps. JANEWAY and SISKO are pointing phasers, and CALHOUN his sword, at the clamps. GEORDI, TUVOK, HAN, and VORIK are standing off to the side._

**JANEWAY:** All right. You have ten seconds to release, or we'll blast you to smithereens!

**CALHOUN** _(in Xenexian subtitled)_ **:** Take that, you _bleep_ ing _bleep_ of a _bleep_!

**SISKO:** Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five... four...

_The clamps release._

**JANEWAY:** _Thank_ you.

**GEORDI:** Now that's something I wouldn't have considered.

**HAN:** I already was. Think I should go help that other weird ship?

**JANEWAY:** Fine. And then, back to the bridge!

**SISKO:** And back to the station!

_Cut to lower core. DUKAT, in the dancing boy costume, is jumping up and down._

**DUKAT:** This is outrageous! I must go to the Pah-wraith!

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Let's see where it wants to go.

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Of course, mighty Jabba.

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** What a pack of idiots.

**DUKAT:** Oh, the great Pah-wraith!

_JABBA, still holding the chain, lets DUKAT lead the way off down the corridors._

_Cut to_ Dumfershire _with ARLA as she stiffens._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** I am the True Prophet of Jalbador!

_Purple light flickers around her head._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Now, on to the Reckoning!

**VOICE:** This could get mighty crowded. __

Cut to the RANDOM CIVILIAN running into Quark's.

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Help! Help! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VALERIE:** _Now_ who is it? Another dead person?

**TASHA:** Look, for the hundredth time, I'm not dead!

**RIKER:** Well, you obviously aren't _now_...

**TASHA:** Arrrgh!

**SEVEN:** Irrelevant.

**CHIANA:** It's another screaming person, that's all I care about.

**JOOL:** Mmmmmmmmmmfffff!

**SI CWAN:** Don't be so ignoble!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** In München steht ein Hofbrauhaus, ein, zwei, zuffa!

**B'ELANNA:** What the _bleep_ is that?

**SEVEN:** It appears to be a member of Species--

**B'ELANNA:** _Se_ ven! No Borg-babble!

**SOLETA:** A shapeshifter.

**WORF:** A Founder!

**O'BRIEN:** With a big problem.

**RIKER:** Weird.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** In München wohnt ein guter Man, und früh im morgen ging er an, und spät am abend ging er heraus, so schön ist's im Hofbrauhaus!

**LUKE:** Anybody speak the language?

**SEVEN:** It is about a location where alcoholic beverages can be consumed, and an individual spending all day -- from the early morning until late in the evening -- in it.

**CHIANA:** I could've told you that.

**QUARK:** Sounds great to me.

**EZRI:** Not _this_ bar, Quark!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** More ale!

**QUARK:** It's gone.

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Oh. Wine?

**NORVO:** He's going to get alcohol poisoning eventually.

**QUARK** _(pouring the wine)_ **:** Thank you Doctor Tigan. Maybe you should go help in the holosuite.

_NORVO looks hurt._

**SI CWAN:** And I will find that Xenexian and rip him limb from limb...

**XYON:** Mm-hmm, yes, whatever you say.

_He's frantically hiding his face._

**LUKE:** Anakin, are you done with my lightsaber yet?

**ANAKIN:** Just a minute!

_He's carefully cutting through a handcuffs, a delicate procedure since JOHN's gotten twitchy again._

**ZHAAN:** Careful.

**ANAKIN:** I _am_ being careful. __

Cut to Ops.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Odo?

**ODO:** What?

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Can you make her stop?

_KIRA/SARAH is still glittering wildly._

**ODO:** Not even if I wanted to.

**ZIYAL:** Are you _positive_ it isn't hurting her?

**ODO:** Yes.

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** The Founder? Oh, no! Still following that person? Well-- Into the _bar_??!! With the _Federation_ people??!! You have to rescue it!!!!

_Cut to replimat._

**LWAXANA:** _Who's_ she mumbling about?

**AMSHA:** Apparently Dukat.

**LWAXANA:** That's stupid. _I_ choose my love interests more sensibly.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** We see.

**LWAXANA:** _You_ , for example...

_She beams; he recoils._

Cut to Voyager _bridge._

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** All systems ready here. ****

GEORDI: Setting course for Deep Space Nine.

**CAPTAINS:** Maximum warp!

**MARA** _(whispering)_ **:** We might go faster if they put those captains on treadmills and had _them_ power the ship.

**HAN:** I'd help.

**JELLICO** _(testily)_ **:** There's no need to be so hasty.

**LEIA:** Personally, I'd prefer to put a little distance between ourselves and those docking clamps.

**PICARD:** They actually tried to _eat_ them...?

**GEORDI:** Yes, sir.

**HAN:** I'd better check on the _Falcon_ , make sure _it_ hasn't been munched on while I was gone.

_He exits._

**SISKO:** And people say DS9 is weird.

_Cut to hallway as LORE and CROSIS_ finally _make it out of the turboshaft, dragging ICHEB._

**LORE:** There! That's--

**DATA:** Hello.

_He's still wearing the glasses-nose-and-mustache, but he's pointing a phaser at LORE._

**LORE:** Er...

_AZAN and REBI emerge from the turboshaft._

**REBI:** We called him.

**AZAN:** And provided a software patch.

_Cut to exterior space, a Son'a ship approaching DS9._

**RU'AFO** _(voice-over)_ **:** All right, now _we're_ going to get that station! __

Cut to inside Son'a ship. RU'AFO and some BORING SON'A are on the bridge looking disgusting.

**RU'AFO:** I will conquer the universe!

**BORING SON'A** _(boringly)_ **:** Yes, sir.

**VOICE:** He sounds like Doctor Chaotica.

_Cut to random hall as PALPATINE and the GUARDS come out._

**PALPATINE:** Now, where's Lord Vader? And _where_ are my Ewoks?

_Cut to holosuite, as LOGRAY ceremonially burns a sandwich as NEELIX looks on, bewildered._

**NEELIX:** But I thought you all _liked_ the sandwiches.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge. PATTERSON still hasn't made much progress._

**RO:** We're all gonna die.

**CRUSHER:** Cut it out.

**PATTERSON:** Me?

**CRUSHER:** No, Ms. Pessimistic.

**RO:** Ex _cuse_ me, I am _not_ Ensign Pessimistic!

**CRUSHER:** Then stop saying we're doomed!

**RO:** What do you want me to say? At this rate, you'll be loose sometime next month, and who knows what will have happened by then? The ship could get blown up and we couldn't do anything about it.

**CRUSHER:** You don't have to keep saying that.

**RO:** Oh, fine.

**ROBIN:** We're doomed!

**RO:** Now who's pessimistic?

_Cut to a turbolift opening on the Promenade to the usual noise. TAIN, SELA, JENAVIAN, and KOVAL laboriously drag out KEBRON._

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SELA:** I swear, that was the _slowest_ turbolift...

**JENAVIAN:** It probably had trouble with the mass.

_Cut to Quark's as the fighting continues._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Oh well I never was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Mistoffeles!

**RANDOM CIVILIAN** _(standing on bar, jumping up and down)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**JOOL** _(joining her in standing on the bar and jumping up and down)_ **:** Mmmmmmmmmmfffff!

**VOICE:** Oh, to see our benchmark _crippled_!

**DAMAR** _(slurred, clapping)_ **:** Great dancers, too!

**EZRI:** We're running low on power packs.

**B'ELANNA:** We're low on phasers.

**HUGH:** There appears to be a weapons shortage.

**SI CWAN:** It's the ignoble people's fault.

**SOLETA:** Be quiet.

**NORVO:** I don't have one.

**O'BRIEN:** You aren't supposed to.

**VALERIE:** I have one and I don't know how to use it.

**TROI:** Leeta has one and I don't.

**GARAK:** Those people are still in the shop, or--

**QUARK:** I think there are some power packs in the back rooms. _(reluctantly)_ And maybe a few heavy-duty phasers.

**O'BRIEN:** Quark, were you arms dealing again?

**EZRI:** Benjamin's not gonna be happy -- never mind Odo.

**B'ELANNA:** I don't care _where_ they came from, we need them.

**O'BRIEN:** She's right.

**QUARK:** Why is everyone looking at me all of a sudden?

**SEVEN:** Retrieve them.

**QUARK:** Oh, fine.

_He heads into the back rooms._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** What about my wine?

**WORF:** Someone make him go away.

**ZHAAN:** Wouldn't that be cruel?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Memory... all alone in the moonlight... I can dream of the old days... life was beautiful then...

**EZRI:** Um... I hope Quark gets back soon with those phasers.

**JAKE:** Why?

_Out on the Promenade, the JEM'HADAR appear to be gathering to rush the bar._

**JAKE:** Oh.


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 39 (about 2100 words) concerning Shortcuts, Attack and Defense, and the Dictatorialness of Doctors

**39**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _bridge. They're finally moving._

**PICARD:** I hope the _Enterprise_ is all right. It's just drifting.

**VADOSIA:** Speaking of drifting, I know a shortcut.

**CALHOUN:** Abandon ship!

**JELLICO:** Shut up before I arrest you.

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Of course! Let me take the helm!

**JANEWAY:** Uh, sir--

**ADMIRAL PARIS** _(to GEORDI)_ **:** Move over, young man!

_ADMIRAL PARIS takes conn._

**HAN:** Oh, no. This is going to take forever.

**SISKO** _(to JANEWAY)_ **:** I'll bet two bars of latinum he gets us lost.

**JANEWAY:** I won't take that.

**RYGEL:** Latinum?

_Cut to PALPATINE frowning at a map on the wall._

**PALPATINE:** Is this a public restroom or a maintenance port?

_Cut to lower core as DUKAT pulls on his chain. OOLA appears to have a headache. SELAR is still doing the macarena._

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled, to SELAR)_ **:** Uh, you can stop now.

_Cut to replimat._

**JOSEPH SISKO:** The Jem'Hadar are planning something.

**LWAXANA** _(singing)_ **:** I'm tired... sick and tired of love... I've had my fill of love... from below and above...

**YANAS:** A miracle has occurred.

**AMSHA** _(dubiously)_ **:** Do you think she means it?

**MERU:** Of course not.

_Cut to Ops._

**WEYOUN** _(into comlink)_ **:** I _said_ , rush the bar!

**ODO:** Oh, no.

**ZIYAL:** What's going on?

_Cut to Quark's._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** The more we get together, together, together, the more we get together, the happier we'll be. And my friends are your friends and your friends are my friends...

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**QUARK:** Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the phasers and the rest.

**O'BRIEN:** Good, we need them.

**SI CWAN:** I need one to shoot that dreadful Xyon rogue!

**XYON:** Mm-hmm, whatever.

**SHELBY** _(to XYON)_ **:** You know, if you were just quiet...

_QUARK starts distributing phasers and power packs._

**SEVEN:** They are about to attack.

**WORF:** Good!

**WESLEY:** Er, are you sure this is a good idea?

**B'ELANNA** _(irritably)_ **:** What, defending ourselves?

**LUKE:** There sure are a lot of them.

**JACEN:** I hope Snookums is okay.

**JAINA:** Jacen...

**KASIDY:** This is _not_ how I envisioned spending my weekend.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Good, more arrows.

**LANDO:** Here they come!

_The JEM'HADAR run shooting towards the bar._

Cut to replimat. The sounds of phaser fire are very loud in the background.

**AMSHA:** Something dreadful is happening.

**MERU:** I'm sure Dukat will stop it.

**VOICE:** Oh, shut up.

**JOR** _(sailing above)_ **:** I believe that the heart does go on...

**YANAS:** How can she keep singing when there's war on the Promenade?

**BURGOYNE** _(from Promenade)_ **:** Ah la one ah la two--

**LOVESTRUCK** _(from Promenade)_ **:** I love you! I love you!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**RO:** Even if we _don't_ die, someone else is going to.

**ROBIN:** Oh, please not Si Cwan!

**CRUSHER:** Stop it. No, not _you_ , Patterson!

_Cut to Ops. ODO looks anxious, ZIYAL is bewildered -- KIRA/SARAH isn't reacting._

**ZIYAL:** They're _attacking_?

**ODO:** Exactly.

_Cut to Quark's. QUARK, DAMAR, JOOL, and the RANDOM CIVILIAN are hiding behind the bar._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Those fireworks are awfully close.

**QUARK:** Yeah, I know.

**JOOL:** Mmmf!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** They made me spill my wine!

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** I'm going to lodge a complaint!

_ANAKIN is sitting on the floor in front of the bar, under the barstools, fiddling with the video game._

**ANAKIN:** Aaand... operational! Great! __

Blip, blip, blip! Weeee-oooo! Blip, blip, blip!

_Swing over to the part of the barricade where TROI and RIKER are kneeling, shooting at oncoming JEM'HADAR._

**TROI:** This is not going well.

**RIKER:** Yeah.

**WESLEY:** I got one!

_Also with them are TAURIK, LAVELLE, BARCLAY, and TASHA._

**TASHA:** At some point someone has to explain to me just what these things are. But I don't want to hear the word 'dead' anywhere in the explanation.

_BARCLAY's hands are shaking so hard he's having trouble aiming._

AMIDALA is doing much better, as are the HANDMAIDENS.

_Next to them, JACEN and JAINA are also shooting, though JACEN keeps wincing._

**JAINA:** For the fourth time, Jacen, those are _not_ cute widdle animals that just need good homes with lots of love.

**JACEN:** I _know_ that!

**LUKE** _(next to them)_ **:** Just stay calm.

**HUGH:** This is a very destructive enterprise.

_He's shooting anyway._

Past them is JAKE, who's trying to repair NOG's artificial leg.

**JAKE:** This just isn't working!

**NOG:** Forget it! I can shoot just as well without it!

_Swing further on past GARAK and LANDO, to an overenthusiastic WORF._

**WORF:** Honor! Glory! Sto-vo-kor!

**EZRI:** Worf! Don't go over the barricade!

**WORF:** Glorious battle!

**EZRI:** If you do, nobody's going to go after you!

_EZRI is just beyond WORF, with JANEL, NORVO, and ZIRANNE. NORVO doesn't have a weapon, so he's hunkered down wincing at every near miss._

**NORVO:** Be careful, Zee.

**JANEL:** She is. Stay down.

**ZIRANNE:** I'm still not sure how to work this thing.

_Beyond them, LAUREN has somehow gotten a phaser and is blasting away. PATRICK is bawling._

**NORVO:** _She_ has a gun.

_Beyond_ them _, ROM is firing away. LEETA is passing out power packs._

O'BRIEN has a minor burn. KEIKO is trying to make him go up to the holosuite, but he won't.

**KEIKO:** Miles! You need help!

**O'BRIEN:** I'm all right, it's not bad...

**KEIKO:** You'd say that if your arm fell off!

_Just over, SOLETA is attempting to supervise XYON and SI CWAN._

**SI CWAN:** _Noble_ battle! _Noble_ battle!

**SHELBY:** Sometimes I really wonder why he's on the ship...

_Past them, DELL is sullenly firing at irregular intervals. B'ELANNA and SEVEN are shooting more reliably._

**B'ELANNA:** There sure are a lot of them! And _don't_ say numbers are irrelevant, Seven.

**SEVEN** _(offended)_ **:** I wasn't going to.

_Past them, CHIANA, ZHAAN, D'ARGO, and JOTHEE are shooting, while JOHN has his hands over his head._

**JOHN** _(muttered)_ **:** Out of my head, Scorpy... _(after a disrupter shot, jumpy)_ That sounded pretty close!

**STARK:** What _is_ this? Red light, blue light, purple light, all coming together...

**JOHN:** Oh, _that_ sounds promising. __

Beyond them are the EWOKS, shooting arrows.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Yay! I got one! Yippee!

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Me, too! Maybe if we used extra mustard, they'd be okay...

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Yech! Blech! You're revolting!

_Just past them is the puddle of DOMINION SPY._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor... would you be mine... would you be mine...

**VOICE:** Interesting.

_Cut to TK-421 guarding a Jefferies tube on the_ Enterprise _._

**TK-421:** Halt! In the name of the Emperor!

_There's nobody there._

Cut to Promenade upper level, darkened, with loud phaser fire in background, as JOR sails over, still warbling.

**JOR:** Every night in my dreams, I see you...

_After she passes, KALITA and EDDINGTON cautiously rise._

**EDDINGTON:** Very interesting. Did that look like Jor to you?

**KALITA:** I... don't know. Has the station been taken over or not?

**EDDINGTON:** We're going to have to figure that out. Not to mention find Ro and Riker.

**KALITA:** He prefers Thomas Riker. And wasn't there something about them getting captured?

**EDDINGTON:** Then it's all the more important, isn't it?

**KALITA:** I have to say, that was a _really_ stupid mission you sent her on... with a really _crappy_ disguise.

_Cut to random hall. CROSIS is tied up, LORE's turned off, DATA's leaving with ICHEB, AZAN, and REBI._

**ICHEB:** Those people are _stupid_.

**CROSIS:** Resistance is futile?

**DATA:** Yes, I know.

_Cut to edge of Promenade as JACK and SLOAN crash up to SELA, JENAVIAN, KOVAL, TAIN, and KEBRON._

**BURGOYNE** _(in background)_ **:** Ah la one ah la two casadilla...!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SLOAN:** Wait! Wait! Time-out!

**JACK** _(grudgingly)_ **:** All right... but just ten minutes!

_They stop fighting. SLOAN gets up, brushes off his suit, and goes over to his compatriots._

**TAIN** _(cheerily)_ **:** Ah, Luther! Good morning, Luther! Or is it afternoon? But as I was just telling Sela here, 'Sela,' I said, 'Sela, if you want to make it anywhere in this business, you can't be worrying about time of day...'

**SELA:** What are you _doing_?

**SLOAN:** Just settling a slight dispute. What is this thing?

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**KOVAL:** It's wearing a Starfleet uniform. We thought you might be able to tell us.

_SLOAN regards KEBRON dubiously._

**SLOAN:** I think it's something off the _Excalibur_. It certainly sounds like it.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SLOAN:** That's it! It's Zak Kebron. I don't care what you do with him, and the only one who does is Captain Calhoun the Crazy.

**JENAVIAN:** So... what _are_ we going to do with it?

**SLOAN:** You know, Koval, I wanted to ask you, about those memory scanners you lent me--

**JACK:** Time in!

_They start fighting again._

**SELA:** That was nowhere near ten minutes! Can't you tell time?

**TAIN:** Sela, I say, Sela, didn't I just tell you, if you want to get anywhere in this business...

_Cut to_ Dumfershire _with ARLA/JALBADOR._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Ahem, let me see. I AM THE TRUE PROPHET OF JALBADOR! Or maybe, WORSHIP _ME_ , FOR _I_ AM THY TRUE PROPHET! I hope they haven't started yet!

_Cut to JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN staggering around._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** Mesa-- Arrgh! The basic idiocy is overwhelming! I need Dukat!

_Cut to lower core as DUKAT leads JABBA and company up some stairs. JABBA is having trouble with them; SELAR is_ still _doing the macarena._

Cut to Voyager _bridge. They're in the Badlands._

**SISKO:** I _knew_ it, I _knew_ it, I _knew_ it, I _knew_ it...

**CALHOUN** _(in Xenexian subtitled)_ **:** You _bleep_ ing _bleep_ of a _bleep_!

**TAXCO:** How rude!!

**JELLICO:** Extremely! Arrest him!

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** This is a shortcut?

**JANEWAY:** No. This is the Badlands.

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Um...

**NECHEYEV:** Ah, Owen?

**ROSS:** We might want to turn around and go back...

**LEIA:** Don't run into all that...

**TUVOK:** It is a plasma storm.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Moya does _not_ approve of this route!

**VADOSIA:** It's going very well.

**ADMIRA PARIS:** I think there might be something wrong with the helm console. It's showing this sort of funny face...

_Cut to holosuite._

**SITO** _(nervously)_ **:** It sounds pretty bad down there.

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Well, if His High and Mightiness is still opening attachments with the same abandon...

**HARRY:** Maybe I should go help...

**NEELIX:** We need you up here. Tom's escaping again.

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! The crocodiles! They're coming to get me!

**VIC:** Yes, we all know that.

**JADZIA:** This is absurd.

_She's sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall._

**THOMAS RIKER:** Well, I've fully recovered. I'm going back.

**AERYN** _(trying yet again)_ **:** So am I.

**CHAKOTAY:** Me, too.

**KES:** Oh no you're not! Thomas Riker is all right, and I suppose... Aeryn...? is recovered, too, but _you_ aren't. Stay put, Commander.

**WILDMAN:** We mean it.

_AERYN heads for the door and down before they can change their minds._

**WAN-WAN:** I love you, you love me, we're a happy family...

**NASHIRA:** Quiet.

_THOMAS RIKER gets up to leave._

**NAOMI:** Say hi to Seven for me.

**MOLLY:** Make sure Mommy and Daddy are all right.

**CHAKOTAY:** Tell B'Elanna and Seven to be careful.

**THREEPIO:** Instruct Master Luke to be cautious.

**KALINDA:** Tell Si Cwan and Xyon to be careful, only don't tell Si Cwan who Xyon is, and don't tell him I'm here.

**OGAWA:** Tell them to send the wounded up here.

**NEELIX** _(handing him a bag)_ **:** Bring them this food.

**JADZIA:** Tell Worf not to be a total moron.

**THOMAS RIKER:** I'm not crazy!

_He leaves._

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Tell Wicket and Teebo to behave!

_BASHIR groans, then yawns. OGAWA begins scanning him again._

**OGAWA:** He's coming around.

**TAHIRI:** About time.

**BASHIR:** What happened?

**NASHIRA:** We rescued you.

**BASHIR:** Oh.

**JADZIA:** You're up in the holosuite. You're going to be fine.

_BASHIR sits up._

**HARRY:** Just don't try to stand. It's not allowed.

**BASHIR:** I... see. How... What happened to Sloan?

**TAHIRI:** I _assume_ he's still fighting with that Jack person.

**NASHIRA:** I think he's going to get the _bleep_ beat out of him.

**WAN-WAN:** _Bleep_ , _bleep_ , _bleep_!

**TAHIRI:** I taught him the word, indeed!

**NOMI:** It's his favorite word.

**JADZIA:** There are a large number of strange people here, Julian. As I'm sure you've noticed.

**NASHIRA:** Hey, what's that mean?

**JULIAN:** Who else...

**JADZIA:** There are people down in the bar. O'Brien, Ezri, Leeta, Rom, Jake, _Voyager_ people, _Enterprise_ crew, the _Excalibur_ crew... a _lot_ of other people... Just please don't ask why there's a Cardassian in here.

**VOICE:** And a very happy bunch we are, too.

**EVERYONE:** Quiet.


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 40 (about 2000 words) concerning Navigation, Revenge, _Dumfershires_ , Pink Elephants, and Otherworldly Forces

**40**  


  
_Open on_ Enterprise _bridge._

**CRUSHER:** Well, he's making _some_ progress.

**RO:** It might be faster if we waited for the ropes to decay.

**CRUSHER:** They're synthetic.

**RO:** Point stands.

_PATTERSON is oblivious to the conversation. So is someone else._

**ROBIN:** Si Cwan! Si Cwan! __

Cut to Ops as KIRA/SARAH rises.

**KIRA/SARAH:** The Pah-wraith has chosen a pathetic vessel.

**ODO:** Beg pardon?

**CHOMPER:** Maybe a stormtrooper.

**KIRA/SARAH:** If the Kosst Amojin cannot find a more suitable vessel, then that is its own problem.

_She heads for the door._

**ZIYAL:** Nerys, where are you going?

**ODO:** Oh, no.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Come back! You're a prisoner!

_A JEM'HADAR moves to stop KIRA/SARAH, and is knocked out of the way by a blue flash._

**JEM'HADAR:** Aaak! The invisible Romulan!

**WEYOUN:** Um...

_KIRA/SARAH leaves._

**ODO:** Trying to stop her is a waste of time.

_ODO follows KIRA/SARAH; ZIYAL follows him._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Odo, come back! Right now!

_No response._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Weyoun, go bring Odo back.

**WEYOUN:** Of course, Founder.

_He leaves. TOOTHY looks out the window at the Son'a ship._

**TOOTHY:** My, what a stupid ship.

_Cut to lower corridors as DUKAT scrabbles in place._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Slow down!

**DUKAT:** Must go... must go... __

Cut to runabout with ARLA/JALBADOR, nearing the station.

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** I am coming! __

Cut to docking ring as a couple of PEACEKEEPER FLUNKIES enter through an airlock and look around.

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** This way! __

Cut to replimat.

**YANAS:** It isn't very safe in here.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** I can see that.

**MERU:** It sounds like there's a horrible battle out there.

**SIRELLA:** But is it honorable?

**LWAXANA:** I hope Deanna's all right. She could be hurt.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**JANEWAY:** Face?

**SISKO:** Oh, no. Let me see that!

_He starts forward just as the main viewscreen suddenly switches to a milicious smiley face with the caption_ Val-da-reeeeee...

**ROSS:** Oh, _no_. Not _this_ one.

**NECHEYEV:** Isn't there a patch for this variety?

**GEORDI:** Yeah, but we were halfway across the Romulan Neutral Zone before we got the stupid virus out of the system...

**JANEWAY:** _My ship_ has a virus?

**PICARD** _(glum)_ **:** Most of them do, these days.

_Cut to Promenade as JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN throws a temper tantrum._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** No fair! No fair! I want my _real_ vessel! Stupid Jalbador gets its real vessel, and I get stuck with this stupid Gungan!

_Cut to Quark's as the attack eases up a bit._

**RIKER:** Are they stopping?

**O'BRIEN:** For now.

**KEIKO:** All right, _now_ will you go get your arm looked at?

**O'BRIEN:** I really don't think that's necessary...

**ZHAAN:** Stark, why don't you take Crichton up to the... um... whatever. _(pause)_ Stark? Stark!

_She shakes him._

**STARK:** Something's... Can't you feel it coming? ****

SOLETA: This is hopeless.

**AERYN** _(coming over)_ **:** Zhaan, what's happening?

**ZHAAN:** Are you all right?

**AERYN:** Fine. I can see we're in a defensive position... How's John?

**JOHN:** In all honesty, not that great.

**AERYN** _(hiding concern)_ **:** You need to get upstairs and rest, get those wounds tended. _(pause)_ And what's _that_?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Pink elephants... Pink elephants... Pink elephants on parade!

_The rest of the_ Farscape _people shrug._

**THOMAS RIKER** _(coming down the stairs)_ **:** All right, I'm back. With refreshments, apparently.

**TROI:** Refreshments?

**B'ELANNA:** From Neelix? I can't bear to look.

**NORVO:** _I'm_ starved.

**B'ELANNA:** Careful. It could be fungus pancakes.

**SI CWAN:** Is that noble cuisine?

**EZRI:** No. Whatever it is, don't eat any.

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** There's those fighting people again!

_JACK and SLOAN crash by outside the bar._

**O'BRIEN:** Good grief.

**LAUREN:** They're _still_ fighting?

**PATRICK:** More pancakes, please.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** In your head, on the bed, hippity-hoppity! Pink elephants on parade!

_Cut to random hall as KIRA/SARAH proceeds towards the Promenade, crackling with blue fire. ODO and ZIYAL are following at a safe distance._

**ZIYAL** _(whispering)_ **:** But where is she going?

**ODO:** Most likely the Promenade.

_Cut to Son'a ship._

**RU'AFO:** Mutter-mutter-mutter, I'm going to get 'em, get the Ba'ku, get the Federation, get 'em all, mutter-mutter-mutter...

**GALLATIN:** Sir?

**RU'AFO:** Mutter-mutter-mutter...

**GALLATIN:** Sir, I really doubt the Ba'ku are on the station.

**RU'AFO:** Mutter-mutter... What?

**GALLATIN** _(loudly, slowly, clearly, not making any sudden moves)_ **:** I don't think there are any Ba'ku on the station, Ru'afo.

**RU'AFO:** Course not. I have to put 'em there first, then get 'em. Mutter-mutter-mutter...

_GALLATIN looks long-suffering._

**VOICE:** Poor, poor, Gallatin, to have to put up with Ru'afo. He's almost as bad as the Emperor... but at least he isn't wearing a dancing boy costume.

**GALLATIN:** Huh?

_Cut to lower corridors with DUKAT, JABBA, and company._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** This really is exceedingly repetitive.

**SELAR:** All right, Jabbie darling, let's you and me find somewhere a little more private!

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** ...but then again, what's the matter with repetitive?

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Nothing. Nothing at all.

_Cut to Promenade walkway as KALITA ducks JOR._

**JOR** _(sailing by, with music)_ **:** Oh! I love him! My love!

**KALITA:** Um.

_DATA approaches, in the crappy disguise. The three Borg children follow._

**DATA:** Excuse me, but have you by any chance seen Dr. Beverly Crusher?

**EDDINGTON:** Er, no...

**DATA:** Thank you. _(pause)_ Oh, I think I should inform that there is a Borg in the Klingon deli, and another tied up in one of the mid-core hallways, with my evil twin.

**MAQUIS** _(in unison)_ **:** Oooooohh.

**ICHEB:** An unpleasant individual.

**SKIPPY:** Hah hah hah hah! Evil Twin! Boo! I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker! No, I'm _Skippy_ Riker! The evil twin! Hah hah hah hah hah hah!

_He bounds in._

**KALITA:** Maybe we should leave.

**AZAN:** That sounds--

**REBI:** \--good to us.

_Cut to a random corridor, where the PEACEKEEPER FLUNKIES ponder a map._

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** Who'd put a public restroom in a reactor? __

Cut to Dumfershire _slamming onto the landing pad next to the_ Delta Flyer _and bursting into flames. ARLA/JALBADOR rushes out._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** The Reckoning!

_Cut to replimat._

**LWAXANA:** We have to do something. They could all be killed!

**MERU:** I'm sure Dukat won't let anything bad happen!

_They all ignore her._

**SIRELLA:** If it's honorable battle, I should join it.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Is anyone even--

_A sudden gust of wind sweeps down the Promenade._

**YANAS:** What was that?

_Cut to Klingon deli with BORG QUEEN as ANIJ, ARTIM, SOJEF, and more ASSORTED BA'KU are beamed in._

**ANIJ:** Well, at least we aren't on the Son'a ship.

**ARTIM:** But where are we?

**SOJEF:** There's too much technology. And look at _that_!

**BORG QUEEN:** _Hi_ , there, everyone. Do you want to be assimilated? It's _really cool_.

**ANIJ:** Er...

_The BA'KU begin edging towards the exit, only to edge back at the JEM'HADAR, STORMTROOPERS, and CARDASSIANS running around._

**ARTIM:** I'm scared. I want to go home now.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. They're still in the Badlands._

**PICARD:** Help.

**NECHEYEV:** Now, really, there's no need to panic, everything's under control, Admiral Paris can handle it... _(under her breath)_ Owen, what in _bleep_ are you doing?

**TAXCO** _(to NECHEYEV)_ **:** Such language!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** I think I can get the helm under control. Just wait.

**JANEWAY:** He's as bad as Tom... and he can't fly nearly as well.

_Cut to Promenade as KIRA/SARAH sweeps in._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** Aw, nuts!

**KIRA/SARAH:** I am here for the battle.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kira!

_He races at her. KIRA/SARAH looks alarmed._

**KIRA/SARAH:** What are you?

**LOVESTRUCK:** It's me, Lieutenant Lovestruck. I love you!

**KIRA/SARAH:** The Lovestruck is delusional.

_He's propelled out of the way with a flash of blue light._

_Cut to Quark's._

**O'BRIEN:** Oh, no. Now we're _really_ in trouble.

**SEVEN:** Elaborate.

**O'BRIEN:** I have a sudden suspicion the station is on the verge of being shaken apart by otherworldly forces.

**TROI:** Oh. I see.

_Obviously she doesn't._

**ZHAAN:** Oh, no. No I see what Stark meant.

**AERYN:** Otherworldly forces?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** On Halloween night when the ghosts come out... __

Cut to holosuite, with the additions of JOHN, who's sitting mumbling to himself (or to the voices in his head), and an anxious STARK.

**VIC:** All right, another song finished. Let's take a break.

**JADZIA:** It sounds nice.

**MEZOTI:** The music is harmonious.

**BASHIR:** But my head still hurts.

**JADZIA:** He used Romulan memory scanners?

**BASHIR:** Yes -- well, he _tried_ to. I really don't feel that bad, just sort of hung over...

**TOM:** Whoops! Here comes the cheese! Mr. Jelly! Mr. Jelly!

**NEELIX:** Yes, we know.

**JOHN:** And I thought _I_ had hallucination problems.

**CHAKOTAY** _(wearily)_ **:** Can't you do something for him, Kes?

**KES:** Sorry, sir.

**THREEPIO:** I just can't translate that, and I'm fluent in over six million forms of communication.

**NOMI:** We know that, too, Threepio.

**TAHIRI:** Solo-itis for sure.

**NASHIRA:** Actually I think the insanity comes from both sides of the family.Wanna go play with the slot machines?

**ANI:** Is that gambling?

**MOLLY:** Mommy says I'm not supposed to gamble.

**NAOMI** _(sneaking a guilty look at WILDMAN)_ **:** I don't think I'm supposed to, either. What is it?

**NASHIRA:** Dad does it all the time. Come on, I'll show you.

_The KIDS wander off._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** House always wins!

**VIC:** What do you suppose is going on down there?

**SITO:** The firing's died down. Probably not a lot.

**STARK:** What's happening now?!

**HARRY:** Don't worry. Everything's under control.

_Unsurprisingly, STARK is not convinced._

_Cut to DUKAT frantically heading towards the Promenade, with JABBA and the rest hauled along behind._

_Cut to QUI-GON and OBI-WAN._

**QUI-GON:** I'm sensing a great power of the light side.

_Cut to Promenade, Bajoran shrine as SCORPIUS scowls out at the Promenade, where KIRA/SARAH is going past._

**SCORPIUS:** What is _that_?! __

Cut to replimat.

**MERU:** It's Luma! Luma, Luma, it's me, Meru!

**LWAXANA:** She isn't listening.

**AMSHA:** She's glowing. Why is she glowing? Richard... That woman is glowing.

**YANAS:** I'm sure it's an optical illusion.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Besides, she isn't named 'Luma'... that's Colonel Kira.

_Cut to Garak's._

**DARTH VADER:** Oh, _bleep_. I have a sudden feeling that the light side outnumbers me. _(turns to stormtroopers)_ Prepare to evacuate the troops back to the transports. Inform the Emperor.

_Cut to lower core._

**PALPATINE:** But I want my Ewoks!

_Cut back to Garak's._

**STORMTROOPER:** Lord Vader! Lord Vader! That person is glowing!

**DARTH VADER:** Evacuate!

_Out on the Promenade, JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN is staggering up to face KIRA/SARAH._

Cut to Quark's.

**AMIDALA:** Jar Jar's acting _very_ strange.

**WORF:** He's possessed.

**AMIDALA:** Oh. _(pause)_ By _what_?

**WORF:** By... A Pah-wraith!!!!!

_Fortunately, RIKER, TROI, O'BRIEN, CHIANA, D'ARGO, and LUKE all jump on him before he can attack. JAKE's eyes roll back and he faints._

**NOG:** Jake?

**EZRI:** Oh, _bleep_! _Bleep_ _bleep_ _bleep_ ing _bleep_!

**THREEPIO:** My goodness!

**AERYN:** Zhaan, I take it this is bad?

**ZHAAN:** Yes. That... er... thing...

**AMIDALA** _(glumly)_ **:** Gungan.

**ZHAAN:** Has something very evil controlling it.

**EZRI:** Tell us about it! __

Cut to Promenade.

**KIRA/SARAH:** _That_ is your vessel?

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** You don't have to rub it in!

**KIRA/SARAH:** Mine is better.

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** Shut up!

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Wait! Wait for me!

_She comes rushing in._

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN:** What are _you_ doing here?

**KIRA/SARAH:** You were not invited.

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** You aren't having a Reckoning without me! Say, Amojin, what's the matter with your vessel?

**JAR JAR/KOSST AMOJIN** _(ignoring the comment)_ **:** I guess we can't get rid of it.

**KIRA/SARAH:** We can begin.

**DUKAT:** Wait! Wait for me!

_Still in the dancing boy costume, he charges in, chain-leash dangling behind him._

**KIRA/SARAH:** Interruptions, interruptions.

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Amojin, this comes off your score.

**DUKAT:** I'm here! I'm here! I'm a vessel!

_KOSST AMOJIN flows out of JAR JAR and into DUKAT._

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** _Now_ we can begin.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 41 (about 2000 words) concerning Otherworldly Forces, Oppressive Governments, Not Being All Better Now, Kiddie Safe-T Scissors, Official Records, Evacuation, and Chains of Command

**41**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _bridge. ADMIRAL PARIS is still at the helm; GEORDI is frowning at the Ops console. The viewscreen is back to the Badlands._

**NECHEYEV:** Progress?

**GEORDI:** I'm working on it!

**SISKO:** What is _happening_ back there?

_The comm beeps._

**ALL CAPTAINS, ADMIRALS, and AMBASSADORS, plus LEIA and RYGEL** _(in unison)_ **:** Yes?

**PILOT** _(from comm, slightly taken aback at the mass response)_ **:** Ah, I just thought you ought to know, Moya just informed me that when we were first at the station and it was being attacked...

**KAI WINN:** Listen to me, everyone! Pray! Pra-ay!

**SISKO:** Shut up. Yes?

**PILOT** _(from comm, continues after a pause)_ **:** Well, she called for help, and apparently Talyn is on his way to the station.

**RYGEL:** _Bleep_!

_Everyone else looks blank._

**VADOSIA:** I'm sure _I_ would be able to handle the situation.

**RYGEL:** Oh, I'm _sure_. Where is Aeryn when we need her?

_Cut to Promenade. DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN, KIRA/SARAH, and ARLA/JALBADOR are standing as the points of a triangle, KIRA/SARAH glowing blue, DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN glowing red, and ARLA/JALBADOR glowing purple. JOR is flapping around overhead._

**JOR:** You're here, there's nothing I fear, for I know that my heart will go on...

_Stumbling around between the combatants are the confused JAR JAR and BURGOYNE._

**JAR JAR:** Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Whatsa going on?

**BURGOYNE:** Ah la one ah la two casadilla...!

_Cut to Quark's._

**EZRI:** Great. _Great_. Arla Rees. I guess she's not all better now, after all. _(pause)_ Am I imagining things, or is Dukat wearing a dabo girl outfit?

**SOLETA:** You're not imagining things.

**SI CWAN:** Are they all noble?

**SOLETA:** Shut up.

**CHIANA:** This guy is worse than Rygel. At least the toad is _honest_ about his arrogance. ****

JAINA: Who's that Jar Jar idiot?

**AMIDALA:** You don't want to know. He's going to get killed.

**O'BRIEN:** Probably. There's another problem...

**RIKER:** Now what?

**O'BRIEN:** If they start fighting, the station will probably be destroyed in the process. If it were possible, I'd recommend an evacuation.

**LUKE:** We could go back to the, um, _Defiant_.

**EZRI:** Not everyone would fit.

**D'ARGO:** If Moya were here-- Never mind. ****

TROI: What about the _Enterprise_?

**KEIKO:** It's here, but those white-armor people--

**LANDO:** They're called Imperials.

**AERYN:** Just how many oppressive governments are running around here, anyway?!

**ANAKIN** _(helpfully)_ **:** I've counted five. ****

KEIKO: Captured it.

**B'ELANNA:** If it's a question of getting on that ship or dying of explosive decompression when the station falls apart, I vote for the ship.

**LAVELLE:** When we left, hardly anyone was there.

**RIKER:** Hmm. _(pause)_ Why is everyone looking at me?

**EZRI:** At a guess, because there are no captains on the station and the only other commanders here are either wounded in the holosuite, really non-humanoid life-forms, possessed by wormhole aliens, or, um...

**TROI:** From the _Excalibur_.

**SHELBY:** I _heard_ that!

**O'BRIEN:** In short, you're in command.

_Cut to Promenade as KIRA/SARAH gestures and JAR JAR is knocked ceilingward._

**VOICE:** Danger, falling... er, falling Jar Jar.

_KIRA/SARAH, DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN, and ARLA/JALBADOR begin to blast light at one another. It's rather noisy. CARDASSIANS, JEM'HADAR, STORMTROOPERS, and BURGOYNE scatter out of the way._

Off to the side, SELA, JENAVIAN, TAIN, and KOVAL are watching, impressed. KEBRON appears oblivious.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish?

_They're joined by JABBA and company._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** That was supposed to be my dancing boy.

**SELAR:** Look! Burgy!

**SELA:** Didn't I capture you earlier? __

Cut to the puzzled PEACEKEEPER FLUNKIES coming onto the Promenade from a turbolift. A few JEM'HADAR and STORMTROOPERS run past screaming.

Cut back to Quark's.

**RIKER:** Um, all right. If anyone's taking official records--

**WESLEY** _(whips out a padd)_ **:** I will!

**XYON:** Save us.

**RIKER:** Fine, you do that. For the record, as acting commander of Starfleet forces, I'm taking Chief O'Brien's recommendation of an evacuation and sending Lieutenant Yar, Lieutenant Lavelle, Ensign Taurik, and, er, Seven of Nine to secure the _Enterprise_.

**SEVEN:** Lieutenant?

**B'ELANNA:** Go ahead, Seven.

**RIKER:** Tasha, when you get there, you're in command. Get the bridge, then try to clear out some safe areas for evacuees.

**TASHA:** Of course, sir.

_She gets up and heads out of the bar, followed by the others, dodging and keeping to cover._

**RIKER:** Now, everyone else. We get our own noncombatants to the _Enterprise_ , then we evacuate others.

**B'ELANNA:** I assume we don't bother with the Cardassians?

**RIKER:** They're their own problem.

**LAUREN:** I assume not that nasty Sloan man, either.

**VALERIE:** I hope _I_ get to evacuate.

**AERYN:** And our group. ****

LANDO: And us.

**QUARK:** And me!

**RIKER:** I don't care. If you're not against us, you're with us.

**VOICE:** Interesting turn of phrase, Willy.

_Cut to holosuite as TROI enters._

**TROI:** All right, everyone, we have a problem.

_Everyone, except the gambling KIDS, turns to look._

**JOHN:** Another one? ****

HARRY: Um, what?

**TROI:** There's something on the Promenade, with a 'Prophet' and 'Pah-wraith' and some other thing which, according to Chief O'Brien, will destroy the station. We have to evacuate to the _Enterprise_.

**BASHIR:** Oh, no.

**JADZIA:** Chroniton particles could be used to expel them--

**TROI:** That was mentioned. Main power's still down.

**JADZIA:** _Bleep_ ing viruses.

**VIC:** I don't mean to be selfish, but what about me?

**BASHIR:** We could probably get some sort of data module and download you into it...

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Oh, sure -- you need a module? I have a few spares...

**TOM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**TROI:** Anyway, we'll be informed when the ship is secured, and then we have to start evacuating.

**MOLLY:** Yes! Yes! Jackpot!

_Coins are cascading around her feet._

Cut to exterior space as TALYN speeds along.

**CRAIS** _(voice-over)_ **:** How long do you think it will be until we get there?

_Cut to TALYN's Command._

**CRAIS:** I would be a lot happier about this if we had more of an idea what was going on.

**VOICE:** You and everybody else, Bialar.

**CRAIS:** What the _bleep_ was that?! __

Cut to the edge of the Promenade as WEYOUN enters, then stops.

**WEYOUN:** Hmm. __

Cut to Promenade as KIRA/SARAH, DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN, and ARLA/JALBADOR continue fighting.

**O'BRIEN** _(voice-over, from the bar)_ **:** I sure wish we could use chroniton particles!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling, voice-over, from the bar)_ **:** When there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood... Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**ROSS:** Really, Ben, how bad could it be? It's not as if the station will have blown up while we were gone.

**SISKO** _(darkly)_ **:** I wouldn't be too sure.

_The CAPTAINS are pacing around the bridge, at times narrowly avoiding collisions._

**PICARD:** Who _knows_ what could be happening? They could all be dead!

**JANEWAY** _(glumly)_ **:** Right.

**CALHOUN:** If they are, I'll take revenge!

**JELLICO:** I'll get _you_ first.

**KAI WINN:** Pray, pray... Anjohl Tennan, Anjohl Tennan...

**LEIA:** Who's that?

**SISKO:** No idea.

**KAI WINN:** I looove Anjohl Tennan... Anjohl, Anjohl, Anjohl Tennan... My looove...

**HAN:** We all heard you.

**TAXCO:** That is highly inappropriate.

**TUVOK:** If we do not change course, we may be destroyed.

**NECHEYEV:** That does it. I _order_ someone to change course.

**PICARD** _(pained)_ **:** Admiral, you know it takes time to deal with viruses, especially on an unpatched system--

**JANEWAY** _(miffed)_ **:** It's not our fault.

**VADOSIA:** Well, I really think I could handle this better...

_The pacing JANEWAY trips over RYGEL._

**RYGEL:** Hey! Watch your step!

**JANEWAY:** Well, stay out of the way!

_Cut to replimat._

**MERU:** Oh, no! Poor Luma! Poor Dukat! We have to save them!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Make that singular and I might agree.

**MERU:** No, we have to save Luma, too!

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Arrgh.

**YANAS:** Where _have_ my worthless children gotten to?

**AMSHA:** Oh, no! Not you!

_DR. ZIMMERMAN has just come in._

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** Not _you_!

**RICHARD:** What are you doing here?

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** I came to investigate reports of a 'mobile emitter' that permits--

**SIRELLA:** No one else cares what any of you is doing here!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge. CRUSHER is finally loose; she takes the Kiddie Safe-T Scissors from PATTERSON._

**CRUSHER:** Very good, Patterson.

**PATTERSON:** I saved you!

**CRUSHER:** Yes. Now, stay here with Ro and Ensign Lefler while I go get a knife or a phaser or something--

**RO:** You're going to leave me here with _him_?! And _her_?!

**ROBIN:** Let's go get Si Cwan!

_CRUSHER heads for the door, but it opens as she arrives and TASHA, LAVELLE, TAURIK, and SEVEN come onto the bridge. At the sight of TASHA, CRUSHER gasps._

**TASHA:** Hello, Doctor Crusher. And _no_ , I'm _not_ dead!

**CRUSHER:** But what--

**SEVEN:** Our orders are to secure the _Enterprise_ to permit an evacuation of Deep Space Nine.

**PATTERSON:** Eeeek! A Borg!

_ROBIN swoons._

**VOICE:** Nice try, but you really don't have the _style_. Five-point-five.

**RO:** Marvelous. Somebody untie me.

_Nobody listens._

**CRUSHER:** Evacuation? What's happened?

**TASHA:** I'm... not sure. There are wounded we'll be bringing here soon.

**CRUSHER:** Oh. We'd better get sickbay ready, then.

**RO:** Excuse me? Aren't you forgetting something?

**PATTERSON:** Oh, don't worry, Miz Deserter Lady, I'll have you free in no time! Executive officer in charge of radishes to the rescue!

_He brandishes the Kiddie Safe-T Scissors._

**RO:** Noooooooooooo!

_Cut to Quark's._

**RIKER:** Tasha says we have all-clear. Better start moving.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** At 02:00, Cmdr. William Riker received a report from Lt. Natasha Yar (deceased) that the _Enterprise_ -E was safe for the evacuation of Deep Space Nine...

**VOICE:** 02:00? Well, naturally.

**VALERIE:** Good. I'm getting out of here.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** A non-humanoid life-form stated that it was leaving the station immediately.

**WORF:** I'll bring Jadzia, then go back for others.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Lt. Cmdr. Worf suggested that he would take Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax (deceased) to the ship and then assist other refugees.

**EZRI:** Sounds good to me.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Counselor Ezri Dax (rank Lt. j.g.) expressed agreement with this plan--

_He breaks off as the station shakes._

**TROI:** What was that?

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Counselor Deanna Troi (rank Cmdr.) issued a query regarding a sudden vibration of the station.

**AERYN** _(to no one in particular, regarding WESLEY)_ **:** Is this person real?

_Meanwhile, JAINA sprints to the bar and looks at her portable equipment._

**JAINA:** A ship, shooting at the station!

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** At 02:01, a, er, civilian reported that the origin of the vibrations was a vessel of uncertain origin--

**RIKER:** Can you raise shields from that thing?

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Cmdr. Riker inquired if a piece of technology could be utilized to raise the shields--

**JAINA:** We could... _if_ there was any power to raise them with.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** The civilian, Jaina Solo of Coruscant, reported that the technology was available but main power still down.

_The station shakes again._

**RIKER** _(over JAINA's shoulder)_ **:** Those are Son'a ships! We're really in trouble!

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Cmdr. Riker identified the attacking vessels as Son'a ships, and stated that we had great difficulty now.

**LANDO:** Weren't we already?

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** A civilian, Lando Calrissian, inquired if we were not already in great difficulty--

**ANAKIN:** That's six! That makes six!

**ZHAAN:** I'd better go try and get the wounded ready to evacuate.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** After another civilian, Anakin Solo of Coruscant, said that there were now six of... something, another civilian, Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan, said she would prepare the casualties for--

**AERYN:** All right. Are you going with them?

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** A, um, deserter from the army of an evil oppressive government, Officer-- ****

TROI _(gently)_ **:** Wesley, not _everything_ needs to go on the record!

**WESLEY** _(crestfallen)_ **:** Oh.

**O'BRIEN:** The lifts may fail if that keeps up.

**TROI:** Now, _that_ should go on the record.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Chief Miles O'Brien reported that if the barrage did not stop, turbolifts might fail to function.

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, _bleep_.

**WESLEY:** Lt. j.g. Torres (provisional officer) stated--

**VOICE:** Help us, please.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 42 (about 1800 words) concerning Evacuations, Noncombatants, and French Shrubs

**42**  


  
_Open on Ops, with the grumpy FEMALE FOUNDER, CHOMPER, TOOTHY, and some JEM'HADAR. The station shakes violently._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Someone do something about those ships!

**JEM'HADAR:** Of course, oh great Founder, but if we destroy them we might not get our ketracel-white shipment.

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Our _allies_ are shooting at us?

**JEM'HADAR:** Well, if you want to call the Son'a allies, which personally--

**CHOMPER:** Are Son'a good to eat?

**TOOTHY:** Beats me. Never heard of 'em.

_Suddenly, they both stiffen._

**CHOMPER:** A message from Jacen!

**TOOTHY:** Giver of Treats!

**CHOMPER:** He warns us that we must leave!

**TOOTHY:** Then come, we shall flee!

_They exit._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Good riddance!

_Cut to Son'a ship._

**RU'AFO** _(maniacally)_ **:** Ha ha ha! I will destroy them! Ha ha ha!

**GALLATIN** _(morosely)_ **:** Yes, sir.

_Cut to Promenade as the battle continues, punctuated by shaking as the SON'A attack. JOR and BURGOYNE are_ still _there, apparently oblivious._

_Along the side, rushing to avoid various explosions and assorted JEM'HADAR, CARDASSIANS, STORMTROOPERS, and other obstacles, are the PEACEKEEPER FLUNKIES, who finally lurch into the Bajoran shrine._

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** We're here, sir. Your orders?

**SCORPIUS** _(looking out at the chaos and confusion)_ **:** Well...

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** We could try to contact Disruptor Chatto. She's around here somewhere...

**SCORPIUS:** What?! __

Cut to holosuite.

**KALINDA:** This is scary.

**HARRY:** All right, everyone who can walk needs to head down... Can you walk? No, Tom, come back...

_He grabs TOM's arm and pulls him away from the door._

**KES:** Someone better walk him down. I will.

**NEELIX:** I'll come with you.

**ZHAAN:** I'll take John. Stark, would you give me a hand?

**STARK:** Anything to get off this station soon.

**HARRY:** Right. Where'd the kids go?

**VIC** _(guiltily)_ **:** Er, the casino.

**WILDMAN:** The _what_?

_The station shakes._

**JADZIA:** Never mind... you'd better round them up and get them out. I can wait 'til later.

**VOICE:** Tell that to Worf.

_WORF comes in._

**WORF:** Everyone get ready. The first group will be leaving soon.

_He picks up JADZIA._

**VOICE:** See? Told you so.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge, where the ADMIRALS and AMBASSADORS are bickering. RYGEL has joined in, apparently for kicks. They're still in the Badlands._

**CALHOUN** _(in Xenexian subtitled)_ **:** I'll get you, you _bleep_ ing _bleep_ s of _bleep_ s!

**MARA:** The ancestral war cry?

**KAI WINN:** Anjohl, Anjohl, Anjohl...

**MONK:** Eminence?

**GEORDI:** Has she had something to drink?

**JANEWAY:** Neelix's fruit punch can do that to a person.

**SISKO:** I doubt it.

**JANEWAY:** Don't say that until you've tried the punch -- not that I'm recommending it, mind.

**SISKO:** No, I mean I doubt that's the problem with Kai Winn.

**HAN:** Then what _is_ the problem?

**SISKO:** Lots.

_Cut to STORMTROOPERS going back into airlocks._

**DARTH VADER** _(voice-over)_ **:** All Imperial personnel, evacuate immediately. Report to shuttles for transport to Star Destroyers. This is Darth Vader speaking. All Imperial personnel...

_As he begins to repeat, cut to Imperial shuttles leaving. TALYN can be seen approaching at the same time..._

Cut to random hall.

**PALPATINE:** No! I'm not leaving until I get my Ewoks!

**GUARD:** Yes, Your Excellency.

_Cut to random corridor on_ Enterprise _, where TK-422 is still valiantly guarding nothing._

TASHA approaches, frowns, then walks right on past. He apparently doesn't notice.

Cut to TALYN, Command, as CRAIS tries (and fails) to identify the Son'a ships.

**CRAIS** _(to himself)_ **:** Well, maybe-- No, not that... or... hmm. __

Cut to holosuite, now empty except for VIC, EZRI, and BASHIR, who's working on a data module as the station shakes again.

**BASHIR:** We can transfer you safely to the _Enterprise_ holodeck... Okay?

**VIC** _(nervously)_ **:** I suppose so, pallie.

_BASHIR hits a button; the program fades out._

**BASHIR:** Now, that's settled.

**EZRI:** Let's go.

_Cut to Quark's. WORF, carrying JADZIA, is standing by the barricade. BARCLAY is also there._

**RIKER:** Lieutenant, you need to lead Commander Worf and the others back to the _Enterprise_... You do remember where it is, don't you?

**BARCLAY:** Yes, sir.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** ...Lt. Barclay replied in the affirmative...

_Also lining up to leave are WILDMAN, NAOMI, MEZOTI, KEIKO, MOLLY, KIRAYOSHI, JAINA, JACEN, ANI, NASHIRA, TAHIRI, MARISSA, JAY GORDON, KASIDY, NOMI, WAN-WAN, JOTHEE, and LANDO._

**JOTHEE:** Do I have to leave now?

**D'ARGO:** Yes. You can... guard the children.

**JOTHEE:** Stop _treating_ me like a child!

**D'ARGO:** I am not--

**ZHAAN:** Stop it, both of you! ****

ANI: Padmé, I'm scared.

**AMIDALA:** I'll be along before you know it, Ani.

**LUKE:** I have a really weird feeling about that kid...

**MEZOTI:** I'm concerned for Icheb, Azan, and Rebi.

**NAOMI:** I'm sure they're okay.

**QUARK:** I still want to go.

**EZRI:** Well, you can't. This trip is kids, people to carry them, a guide, some protection...

**JADZIA:** And me, apparently. Or do I count as a kid?

_BOOM! The station shakes._

**JOOL:** Mmmmmmmmmmfffff!

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ****

O'BRIEN: Worf, wait! If the lifts fail you'll need an engineer.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Chief O'Brien recommended an engineer accompany the group...

**RIKER:** No, you can't leave yet.

**NOG:** I can't walk.

**B'ELANNA:** I could, but I have to bring Tom.

**RIKER:** That should work.

**B'ELANNA** _(to HARRY)_ **:** All right, this means it's your job to lure Jor to the ship. And drag Janitor's Assistant's Mop Dell, too.

**HARRY:** But how?

**B'ELANNA:** Dress up like Jack. Here's the wig and costume from my emergency engineering kit.

**LUKE:** You keep a wig and costume in an emergency engineering kit? No, never mind, I won't ask.

**SI CWAN:** Wait!

_He hurries over, hauling KALINDA._

**SI CWAN:** You have to take my little baby sister with you!

**SOLETA:** Humor him. We don't need any more delays.

**DELL:** I still don't get this Pah-wraith thing.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling, maniacally)_ **:** Like fire, hellfire, like fire... Like fire...

**EZRI:** Thank you for sharing that.

_Cut to Promenade as JAR JAR falls to the floor._

**JAR JAR:** Whoa! Whatsa thatsa?!

_Not far away, KOVAL, SELA, JENAVIAN, and TAIN are having a hasty conference._

**SELA:** ...and I'm not sticking around to see what happens!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**JENAVIAN:** Be quiet. I vote with Sela. Especially since...

_Her comm beeps and she turns it off without answering._

**JENAVIAN:** Scorpius might have realized I'm here. I am _not_ curtailing my vacation! __

Cut to replimat.

**MERU:** Oh, no! No, no!

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** Whoever you are, be quiet.

**JOSEPH SISKO:** I'm beginning to think she's an idiot.

**YANAS:** Beginning?

**AMSHA:** Look! People are coming out of the bar!

_Cut to just outside Quark's as the evacuees go out and head for the edge of the Promenade. They're moving at a fast walk/rough jog._

**B'ELANNA:** Come on... Keep up!

_Follow them as they head for a lift, passing the Bajoran shrine as they do so._

**KEIKO:** What is _that_?

**JOTHEE:** Aaaaack! Peacekeepers!

_He dives behind WORF in time to keep SCORPIUS and company from spotting him._

**KALINDA:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**WORF:** Keep moving!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. They're_ still _in the Badlands._

**GEORDI:** I don't know what you did to your computer out there, but this is going to take some time... I wish Data were here.

**NECHEYEV:** A modified computer?

**JANEWAY** _(changing the subject)_ **:** So just why wasn't the starbase's computer, uh, patched?

_Silence._

**LEIA:** To be fair, if they're admirals, it isn't really their job.

**PICARD:** It's their job to make sure it gets done.

**SISKO:** Not that Starfleet Command, or at least security, has been doing much better.

**ADMIRAL PARIS** _(to GEORDI)_ **:** All right, young man, let me take a look at that.

_Cut to turbolift with evacuating party. WORF is pounding on a button; it isn't responding._

**B'ELANNA:** It's no good. Here, Ensign, hold Tom.

_She pushes TOM to WILDMAN and pulls out the engineering kit._

**JOTHEE:** All right, kids, stay together.

_He's ignored, although they are staying together._ ****

JAY GORDON: We're all gonna die.

**JACEN:** Snookums! Fang! Dude! Chomper! Toothy! Reddy! Zelda! Gertrude!

**JAINA:** Hey, shouldn't Anakin be here?

**ANI:** I _am_ Anakin. Anakin Skywalker.

**JAINA:** No, I meant my brother -- you're _who_?

**TAHIRI:** _Bleep_! It's Darth Vader!

**NAOMI:** Hurry, Lieutenant!

**B'ELANNA:** I _am_!

_She yanks a panel off the wall._

**WORF:** Quick, into the turboshaft!

_They all pile into the shaft._

Cut to the docking ring as CRAIS emerges from an airlock and looks around, then sets off down a hall.

Cut to Promenade as KIRA/SARAH, DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN, and ARLA/JALBADOR continue fighting.

A short ways away, BURGOYNE dances up to JABBA and company.

**BURGOYNE:** Selar!

**SELAR:** Burgoyne!

**OOLA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** No, please no, emphatically no!

_JABBA, BIB FORTUNA, and OOLA stare in horror._

Cut to Enterprise _bridge. RO and ROBIN are still tied up; PATTERSON is hiding from SEVEN. TASHA, LAVELLE, TAURIK, and CRUSHER are also there._

**TASHA:** All right, Doctor Crusher, get someone to escort you to sickbay -- Ensign, you do it. We'll keep things under control here.

**RO:** Someone untie me!

**PATTERSON:** Save me from the ghost and the Borg!

**RO:** They won't eat you!

_TAURIK and CRUSHER exit._

**ROBIN:** Help! Help!

**TASHA:** All right, who is that in the captain's chair?

**LAVELLE:** Uh, I think it's Ro Laren. She deserted and joined the Maquis.

**TASHA:** The what?

**COMPUTER:** Maquis. A type of shrub that grows in France.

**TASHA:** Oh. I see.

_Obviously she doesn't._

**TASHA:** And the other one?

**LAVELLE:** That's Robin Lefler. _(lowers his voice)_ She used to work here, but now I think she has Excaliburitis.

**PATTERSON:** Yuk!

_Cut to turboshaft as evacuees hurry along._

**BARCLAY:** Er, this way.

**NAOMI:** We're in a turboshaft, there aren't a lot of turnoffs.

**MARISSA:** There are more in the docking ring.

**MEZOTI:** Icheb! Azan! Rebi!

_They move onwards; the station shakes with a resounding BOOM! Some of them fall over._

**JAY GORDON:** I'm scared!

**KEIKO:** What the...

_A variety of animals have begun to overtake them in the turboshaft, including JACK THE RIPPER, TOOTHY, CHOMPER, SNOOKUMS, REDDY, and other corridor ghouls and bugs._

**KALINDA:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Practice makes perfect? Maybe a seven-oh.

**JAINA:** Jacen!!

**JACEN:** I told them to run to the ship. I couldn't let them stay here and die!

**JAINA:** Arrgh!

_Cut to Promenade upper level with KALITA and EDDINGTON._

**KALITA:** Why don't we get out of here? I don't know what's happening down there, but I don't like it.

_She indicates ARLA/JALBADOR, KIRA/SARAH, and DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN._

**EDDINGTON** _(dismissively)_ **:** Oh, it's some sort of mystical Bajoran thing. Major -- Colonel, rather -- Kira was always getting mixed up in that sort of thing.

_They duck as JOR goes by overhead._

**JOR:** You're here...

**KALITA:** Maybe so, but--

_JACK and SLOAN crash by._

**KALITA:** Who were _they_? I was saying, I'm beginning to think this whole place is falling apart because of this mystical thing!

**TAL:** Excuse me, do you know where Harry Kim is?

**EDDINGTON:** You don't mean Harry 'The Disease' Kim, do you?

_Cut to Klingon deli with BORG QUEEN and BA'KU._

**SOJEF:** Awful technology...

**BORG QUEEN** _(wheedling)_ **:** Come on, are you _sure_ you don't want to be assimilated? _Positive_?

**ANIJ:** Yes!

**BORG QUEEN:** One of you could try it first and tell the others how great it is...?

_Enough is enough; the BA'KU flee -- right into the Bajoran temple._

**SCORPIUS:** What have we here?

**ARTIM:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! __

Cut to Voyager _bridge._

**JANEWAY:** But Admiral, you don't know anything about computers!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** Nonsense. I'll have this straightened out in no time! If you want something done right these days you--

**GEORDI:** Uh, Admiral, you might not want to--

_The viewscreen displays the malicious smiley face again, and the computer makes a rude noise._

**GEORDI:** ...open that file.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 43 (about 1800 words) concerning Evacuations, Distant Cousins, Panicked Flight, Organized Retreats, Swordpoint Shipjacking, and (aaiieee!) The Disease

**43**  


  
_Open on (dark) turboshaft as the PETS continue to run past. The evacuees are pressed against the wall to avoid getting trampled, some kids hiding behind their adult escorts._

**JADZIA:** This is absurd.

**WORF:** We must press on.

**B'ELANNA** _(looking at the floor)_ **:** What... was... that?

**JOTHEE:** It looked kind of... carnivorous.

**JAINA** _(follows their gaze)_ **:** A piranha beetle, I think. _(pause)_ A _piranha_ _beetle_??!! Jacen??!!

**JACEN** _(hurt)_ **:** Really, Jaina, that was only Tootsie-wootsie.

**KEIKO:** 'Tootsie-wootsie'?

**BARCLAY:** ...I'm scared.

**JAINA:** You told me you left the piranha beetles at home!

**JACEN:** All but Tootsie-wootsie, really, Jaina! Honest! Tootsie-wootsie is _special_!

**JAY GORDON:** We're all gonna die.

**NAOMI:** Quiet.

**JAY GORDON:** Well, we _are_.

_Cut to Quark's as EDDINGTON, KALITA, and TAL careen in._

**O'BRIEN** _(regarding EDDINGTON)_ **:** I _knew_ it! I knew if Maquis were running around, he'd turn up eventually!

**EZRI:** Good thing Benjamin isn't here.

**KALITA** _(yelling over the racket, indicating RIKER)_ **:** I _told_ you--

**THOMAS RIKER:** Hi, everyone! Glad you're all right! Have you seen Ro?

_They look slowly from one RIKER to the other._

**VOICE:** One, two. William, Thomas. Thomas, William. A little puzzled? Look, it's one, two, three!

_SKIPPY lurches in._

**SKIPPY:** I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker!

**RIKERS:** Oh, shut up!

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** Cmdr. Riker ordered, er--

**RIKER:** My evil twin.

**WESLEY** _(into recorder)_ **:** His evil twin, Skippy Riker, to shut up.

**EDDINGTON:** And why is there a Cardassian--

**THOMAS RIKER:** Which one?

_DAMAR is at the bar; the CARDASSIAN TECH is examining ANAKIN's computer unit._

**VALERIE:** Hey, you know what? I think there's a distant cousin here.

**CHAKOTAY:** We don't want to hear about it.

**VALERIE:** Fine. I won't tell you. _(apparently addressing the air)_ No-o, actually someone told me the place was going to fall apart. Yeah. Like that. Strange, isn't it? _(pause)_ No idea. Sorry. Or-- Wait, I think there _was_ another one here earlier. _(pause)_ Let me think... oh, dear, last we heard, trapped at a, um, 'Starbase Admirals R Us.'

**VOICE:** You might want to consider here that Species 8472 uses organic spacecraft, hint hint hint...

**VALERIE:** Yeah, I'll keep an eye out for him, anyway... Good luck finding her! ****

O'BRIEN: The _Enterprise_ is calling. They're fully secured, but our group hasn't arrived yet.

**RIKER:** _Bleep_.

**EZRI:** Did something happen to them? Maybe they got attacked by Jem'Hadar, or--

**CHAKOTAY:** Probably held up in the turbolifts.

_The station shakes._

**VALERIE:** Can we leave now?

**TAL:** Harry!

**HARRY** _(seeing her)_ **:** Tal!

_Two or three pagers go off, but the_ Voyager _people don't even need to check them._

**NEELIX, KES, CHAKOTAY, and DELL:** Oh, no! _The Disease_!

_Cut to_ Voyager _as more pagers go off. JANEWAY and TUVOK pull them out._

**JANEWAY:** Oh, no! Disease alert!

**TAXCO:** You mean... _The_ Disease?

_Cut to exterior space as TALYN pulls away from the station and heads off._

Cut to somewhere in the docking ring with a not-exactly-thrilled CRAIS.

**CRAIS:** You can't just leave-- Talyn! Get back-- Arrrrggghhh!!! __

Cut to Promenade as ODO hauls ZIYAL past the battle and towards the bar.

**ZIYAL:** What are they _doing_?!

**ODO:** Never mind, just go!

_Cut to Quark's as they come in._

**O'BRIEN:** Odo, thank goodness!

**GARAK:** Ziyal! Look out! It's _The Disease_!

_Cut to replimat._

**JOSEPH SISKO:** I think my grandson might be over there in the bar.

**ZEK:** Eh? Whazzat?

**MERU:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**SIRELLA:** This is absurd!

**ISHKA:** I know.

**SIRELLA:** I wasn't talking to you!

**AMSHA:** I hope my poor son--

**LWAXANA:** Well, I should like to know what's going on! This is a shameful state of affairs! I must find Constable Odo.

_She pulls out her makeup kit. AMSHA and RICHARD exchange dubious glances with JOSEPH SISKO._

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** It's Lwaxana Troi. What can you expect? She practically has The Disease.

**MERU:** Awful!

_She shudders._

Cut to Bajoran temple. The BA'KU seem to have been captured by the PEACEKEEPER FLUNKIES.

**SOJEF:** You and your stupid technology! Get away from us! __

Cut to QUI-GON and OBI-WAN standing in the hall, puzzled.

**QUI-GON:** I sense one light side power, one dark side power, and one... one...

**OBI-WAN:** One what, Master Qui-Gon?

**QUI-GON:** One _insane_ power.

**OBI-WAN:** Huh?

_Cut to TAIN, SELA, JENAVIAN, and KOVAL hauling KEBRON and JAR JAR, now also handcuffed, down the Promenade past the fighting._

**JAR JAR:** Mesa scared!

**SELA:** Shut up!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SELA:** _Both_ of you!

**TAIN:** Sela, Koval, look! In the bar! It's my disappointing son!

**KOVAL:** Really? What about Luther, do you see him?

**TAIN:** No. Elim! Elim, hello!

**JENAVIAN:** Oh, I remember him!

_Cut to Quark's as GARAK goes white._

**GARAK:** It's Enabran Tain!

**EZRI:** Wonderful.

**TAIN** _(from Promenade)_ **:** Hi, Elim!

**D'ARGO:** Aeryn, did you see any Peacekeepers down that way?

**AERYN:** Where?

**JENAVIAN and SELA** _(together, from Promenade)_ **:** Hi, Elim!

**AERYN** _(darkly)_ **:** Now, there's a Peacekeeper over _there_...

**JOHN** _(realizing she's giving him a Look)_ **:** Huh? What'd I do?

_The station shakes._

**SELA** _(on Promenade)_ **:** Come on, we have to go!

**AMIDALA:** Those people have Jar Jar. I hope they have earplugs.

**SHELBY:** Are you following any of this?

**SOLETA:** It's complicated.

**CHAKOTAY:** Does anyone have their Disease Control equipment?!

_Alarming noises are coming from behind the bar. QUARK, DAMAR, JOOL, and the RANDOM CIVILIAN are staring in horror._

**QUARK:** So that's The Disease.

**JOOL:** Mmmfff! ****

DAMAR _(slurred)_ **:** Revolting. I'm shocked. I'd better have a drink to calm my nerves. Make it a Bud Lite.

**QUARK** _(aghast)_ **:** I'm not going back there to get it!

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Of course not. Sorry, my mistake.

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** I think I shall faint!

_She collapses. After a moment, she opens one eye to see if anyone noticed._

**LEETA:** You're pathetic.

**M'PELLA:** I'll say!

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Logray, shouldn't we get the Great Golden God to safety? And Cindel?

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Yes, perhaps we should.

**THREEPIO:** Oh, my. Oh, dear.

**KES:** I'm feeling something disturbing...

_Suddenly, PALPATINE marches into the bar, trailed by his GUARDS._

**ANAKIN:** It's the Emperor!

**THREEPIO:** We're doomed!

**PALPATINE:** Young Skywalker! Oh, good! Everyone come in!

_DARTH MAUL comes in and begins waving his lightsaber around._

**AMIDALA:** The Sith!

_She is immediately surrounded by HANDMAIDENS._

**QUARK:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** An evil spirit!

**NEELIX:** Run away! Run away!

_The EWOKS pick up THREEPIO's platform and carry it out of the bar at a run. QUARK follows, along with the RANDOM CIVILIAN, miraculously awakened, and JOOL. Other people begin nervously rising to their feet. STARK pales._

**ROM:** He looks like a shriveled prune.

**ZHAAN:** This is... this is not good. This is _very_ not good.

**SITO:** What's he doing?

_PALPATINE raises his hands._

**PALPATINE:** If you will not be turned...

**LUKE:** Oh, _no_...

_LUKE begins running for cover; ANAKIN quickly follows._

**PALPATINE:** You will be _destroyed_!

_He begins blasting purple lightning in all directions. EZRI blanches._

**LUKE:** _Bleep_! Not _again_!

**BASHIR:** Ezri?

**JAKE:** Pah-wraith! Sort of...

_The DS9ers rise_ en masse _and race out of the bar._

**CHAKOTAY** _(to SHELBY)_ **:** The _DS9ers_ are running?

**SHELBY:** Retreat!

_Everyone else charges after them, including the_ Enterprise _people._

**WESLEY:** I'm scared!

**RIKER:** Hey, wait! Let's have an organized retreat!

**ZIRANNE:** You organize, I'll retreat!

**AERYN:** We _are_ organized. I take John, Zhaan takes Stark, Chiana takes Jool--

**CHIANA:** Waaaaait a microt--

**AERYN:** Would you rather take Jothee, then?

**CHIANA:** He's not here! Neither is Jool!

**AERYN:** Fine!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling, as it, too, flees)_ **:** I gotta get outa here...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge. RO is pulling off the ropes with SEVEN's aid. ROBIN is still tied up._

**ROBIN:** Ahem!

**TASHA:** O'Brien was right. That does _not_ look safe. The whole station is rattling.

**SEVEN:** I have to look for Icheb, Azan, and Rebi.

_She starts towards the lift._

**TASHA:** Come back! You aren't going _anywhere_. I need help here.

**PATTERSON:** No, make her go away! She's a _Borg_!

**TASHA:** Will _someone_ tell me what a Borg is?!

**LAVELLE:** You don't know what a _Borg_ is?

**TASHA:** No, I don't, because no one will tell me!

**SEVEN** _(ignoring them, to RO)_ **:** All right, _you_ look for them.

**RO:** Me?!

**SEVEN:** Yes. They are three children, all male, Azan and Rebi are identical. They have a few small Borg implants.

**RO:** Oh, _great_!

**ROBIN:** Ahem! Nobody's untied _me_ yet! I need to go find Si Cwan!

_They all look at her._

**SEVEN:** Be silent.

**PATTERSON:** Yeah, you have Excaliburitis! Or maybe The Disease!

**TASHA** _(alarmed)_ **:** She doesn't really, does she?!

**VOICE:** Now, why is it that she's never heard of Borg, on account of being dead, but she knows what The Disease is?

**TASHA:** _Everyone_ knows what _The Disease_ is. And I'm not dead!

_Cut to replimat as the occupants look out at the Promenade. LWAXANA is still applying makeup._

**LWAXANA:** And I'll say, Constable, how nice to see you...

_Outside, the RANDOM CIVILIAN runs by. She is closely followed by JOOL, who unfortunately has gotten the tape off._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN and JOOL** _(from outside, in unison)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Beautiful! Beautiful!

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** There goes some woman in a towel.

**MERU:** Who cares?! I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it!

_The station shakes._

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Dear God, another intelligent statement.

**YANAS** _(muttering)_ **:** I'm going to thrash all _three_ of them...

**BORG QUEEN:** Ahem!

_She's standing in the doorway._

**RICHARD:** Borg!

**SIRELLA:** Back, foul Borg!

_She throws a table at the BORG QUEEN. All the replimat's occupants bolt past her out onto the Promenade._

**BORG QUEEN:** Arrgh! Curses! Foiled again!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge; they're still in, you guessed it, the Badlands. CALHOUN is holding TAXCO at swordpoint._

**JELLICO:** Doesn't surprise me in the least. Let's shoot him.

**TAXCO:** Let me go, you horrid young man!

**CALHOUN:** Quiet, Ambassador--

**TAXCO:** _Madam_ Ambassador!

**CALHOUN:** All right! I'm hijacking this ship!

**HAN:** Well, it's about time!

**CALHOUN:** So fly it to Deep Space Nine, or I'll skewer this ambassador!

**HAN:** If you want my advice, pick someone they care about instead.

_CALHOUN looks around, and his gaze settles on JANEWAY._

**JANEWAY:** Dream on, Calhoun.

**VADOSIA:** This is outrageous!

**NECHEYEV:** That was my line!

**SISKO:** Yes, especially as we cannot nevigate due to a _virus_.

**GEORDI:** Uh, I'd better get back to trying to fix that, then...

_Cut to Promenade, as KIRA/SARAH, DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN, and ARLA/JALBADOR continue blasting at one another. After a moment, WEYOUN creeps by in the foreground._

**WEYOUN:** _Where_ could Odo have gotten to...?

_Cut to the panicked stampede from Quark's reaching the opened turboshaft and starting to pile in. ODO is, in fact, in the lead._

**ODO:** This way! We have to get to the docking ring!

_He is followed, in order, by ZIYAL, O'BRIEN and JAKE supporting NOG, CHIANA (_ not _with JOOL), and XYON in his broken crappy disguise and swim trunks..._

**XYON:** I'm gonna sue that liner...

_Cut to Quark's as PALPATINE looks around the bar. Except for himself, DARTH MAUL, and the GUARDS, it appears to be empty._

**PALPATINE:** Where did young Skywalker go? And I swore I saw my Ewoks!

_There's a rustle from behind the bar, and THE DISEASE rolls out and bounce-rolls out the door._

**PALPATINE:** The horror! The Disease!

_The GUARDS shudder; DARTH MAUL faints dead away._

**VOICE:** Mmm... Seven-point-eight.

**PALPATINE:** Darth Maul? What's wrong with you? Wake up!

_There is no response from the prone DARTH MAUL._

**PALPATINE:** Lord Vader _never_ faints!


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 44 (about 1600 words) concerning Pets, Evacuations, Undignified Arrivals, Hull Breaches, Hostage Situations, Panicked Flight, General Panic, Lack of Fairness, Screaming, and More Pets

**44**  


  
_Open on the stalled first evacuation party. WORF is trying to swat a large womp rat out of the way._

**JACEN:** Careful! Don't hurt Ginger! She's expecting!

**LANDO:** Oh, _no_!

**JAINA:** Not _again_! I don't think I can _stand_ more baby womp rats!

**NASHIRA:** No womp rats!

**WAN-WAN:** One bit Rory!

**NOMI:** One bit _me_!

**JACEN:** Oh, come on, it's not like they're poisonous!

**WORF:** Will you all be quiet!

**TAHIRI** _(glumly)_ **:** I doubt it.

**B'ELANNA:** Look, if these are pets, can't someone get them out of our way?

**JACEN:** They need to escape, too... but I guess I could ask them to move.

**NASHIRA:** I don't know about you, but I'm still worried about a kid who says he's Anakin _Skywalker_.

**WAN-WAN and NOMI** _(in unison)_ **:** One Anakin's enough!

**JAINA:** We'll deal with it later!

**KALINDA:** Eeek! A rat!

**JADZIA:** _Do_ tell.

_Cut to Ops with the Upset FEMALE FOUNDER._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Someone do something about all this shaking!

**JEM'HADAR:** Of course, Founder.

_The station shakes._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Arrgh!

_WEYOUN comes out of the lift._

**WEYOUN:** Founder! I found the source of the shaking! It's this... fight... down on the Promenade, with Colonel Kira, and Dukat, and this strange woman...

**VOICE:** Don't you recognize her, Weyoun?

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Quiet. _One_ fight, Weyoun?

**WEYOUN:** Yes, Founder. They're all... glowing, and shooting light stuff at each other.

**FEMALE FOUNDER** _(sighs)_ **:** Weyoun, were you looking for Odo in the bar?

**WEYOUN** _(horrified)_ **:** Founder, I would never--

**JEM'HADAR:** What's that?!

_All three stare out the viewscreen._

**VOICE:** Oh, _goody_! Look who's here!

_Out the viewscreen, tumbling end over end towards the station, is the Satellite of Love._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Stop that -- that doggy bone!

_Cut to interior of the SOL, where MIKE is plastered to the wall by the g-forces._

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_SERVO goes flying by._

**SERVO:** Heeeeelllllp! Saaaave meeeeee!

_Cut to exterior space as the SOL_ very _narrowly misses scraping off Ops and smacks right into the_ Enterprise _._

**MIKE** _(voice-over, with renewed energy)_ **:** Aaaaaaaa _aaaaaahhhhhh_!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**TASHA:** What the _bleep_ was that?!

**VOICE:** Language!

**LAVELLE:** Hull breach on Deck... One!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaaaaaaahhhhh! Mommy!

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**RO:** Shut up!

**PATTERSON:** We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna--

_SEVEN grabs him by the shoulders and shakes him._

**SEVEN:** Be _silent_!

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_He falls through from the ceiling and lands on ROBIN._

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**RO:** Oh, _bleep_.

**LAVELLE:** Careful... it might be a dangerous alien...

**PATTERSON:** We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

**RO and SEVEN** _(in unison, to LAVELLE)_ **:** Thanks _so_ much.

_Cut to Son'a ship._

**RU'AFO:** What was that?! Someone tell me what that thing is! It looks like a very large doggy bone!

**GALLATIN:** You said it, sir, not me.

_Cut to just outside the turboshaft as the RANDOM CIVILIAN sprints in, still wrapped in her towel._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_Right after her comes the CARDASSIAN TECH, then KES and OGAWA, still juggling medical supplies, then NORVO and JANEL, both frantically looking over their shoulders, and after them comes QUARK._

**QUARK:** Faster! Faster! Let's leave faster!

**DAMAR** _(lurching after him, slurred)_ **:** Wait for me! I wanna glass of sherry!

**JOOL** _(practically on his heels)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_Cut to QUI-GON and OBI-WAN watching the three-way fight._

**OBI-WAN:** So tell me, master... which one is which? And... _what_ is that gray-skinned one wearing?

**QUI-GON:** Excellent question, padawan.

_ANIJ, SOJEF, ARTIM, and the rest of the BA'KU go running past._

**QUI-GON:** They seem rather alarmed.

_They should be; they're being chased by SCORPIUS and FLUNKIES._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kira!

_He throws himself at the fight again, and is once again repelled. He lands at the feet of the two Jedi._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Oh, no! I have to save her!

_Before he can charge back in, OBI-WAN and QUI-GON grab his arms._

**OBI-WAN:** Maybe you'd better stay here.

**LOVESTRUCK:** But I have to save her!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay as CRUSHER hastily prepares for casualties._

**CRUSHER:** I just hope we have enough supplies...

**TK-421:** Um, excuse me? Has anyone seen Lord Vader?

**CRUSHER:** Ensign!

_TAURIK whips out his phaser._

**TK-421:** Sheesh! I was just looking for Lord Vader! Are you new here or something? What's your operating number?

_Cut to a shot of BIB FORTUNA and OOLA both pulling very hard on a chain._

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Come on, pull!

_They lean back, but apparently nothing happens._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** Again!

_Cut to JABBA, also holding a chain._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** On three... One... two... three!

_Cut to the Twi'leks, also pulling away. There is a sort of sucking noise, and something blurs through the air to land at their feet. BIB FORTUNA hastily throws his cape over it, and they wrap it up in OOLA's chains._

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled)_ **:** It might not hold!

_Cut to JABBA, glaring at SELAR, at the end of the chain he's holding._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** You're supposed to be _my_ dancing girl!

**VOICE:** Dis-gusting! Why hasn't Jabba ever gotten a dancing Hermat? I'm sure there'd be loads of volunteers.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**SERVO:** Don't worry, Mike, we'll save you!

_He drops down through the ceiling and hovers at knee height. CROW drops down on a rope and swings wildly back and forth across the bridge. TASHA massages her temples._

**CROW:** We're here! We're here!

**SEVEN:** What have I done to deserve this?

**PATTERSON:** You're a nasty Borg!

**RO:** Shut up, or I'll give you to my awful Maquis friends, and they'll sautee you for breakfast and eat you. And then they'll get sick and throw you up.

**PATTERSON:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Aaaaaaahhhhh! Save meeeee!

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**RO:** Aaarrrrrrrrggggghhh!

**TASHA:** EVERYONE STOP SCREAMING!

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!

**RO:** I WASN'T SCREAMING!

**SEVEN:** CLOSE ENOUGH!

**TASHA:** Aaarrrrrrrrggggghhh!

**CROW** _(Tarzan yell)_ **:** AaaaaaEEEEaaaEEEEaaahhh!

**GYPSY** _(from the hole in the ceiling)_ **:** Do something! We've got to save Mike!

**TASHA:** From what?! Us?! We couldn't threaten a drunken Denebian Slime Tribble!!

**RO:** A what?

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**TAXCO:** Isn't anyone going to rescue me?!

**RYGEL:** No. ****

JANEWAY: Shut up. We're doing the best we can, Ambassador...

**TAXCO:** _Madam_ Ambassador!

**CALHOUN:** Be quiet before I skewer you!

**JELLICO:** Can I _please_ shoot him?

**LEIA:** And people say _we're_ crazy.

_Cut to Ops as RU'AFO, GALLATIN, and a BORING SON'A materialize._

**WEYOUN:** My goodness! Hellooooo!

**RU'AFO:** Nya-ha-ha! I'll get you!

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Jem'Hadar, capture that man!

_The JEM'HADAR promptly seizes RU'AFO and flings him on its shoulder._

**JEM'HADAR:** The man is captured!

**RU'AFO:** Put me down! I'm going to get Picard!

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** Excellent. Now gag him.

_Cut to the three-way fight on the Promenade._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** And you were never fair! You always took all the good temples! You took all the good wormholes! You always took all the good cults! Did I ever get a fair share of the fanatics? Hmm? Well? No!! I didn't! Any of them you didn't take, Amojin did! All _I_ got were three lousy little Orbs!

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** Well, _I_ never got _any_ Orbs!

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** But you got the best cults! And everyone talks about you! Pah-wraith this, Pah-wraith that, and do they care about _me_?!

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** Quit whining! You got a whole wormhole!

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** That was in an alternate timeline!

**KIRA/SARAH:** Neither of you got the rest because you weren't responsible enough for the rest! Look at you! You got the wormhole and what did you do? You destroyed the universe! And you! Wandering around with _that_ for a cult leader... _He'd_ join a cult worshiping a bowl of jelly!

_Cut to bridge of Star Destroyer with DARTH VADER._

**DARTH VADER:** _What_?! The Emperor got left _behind_?!

_Cut to the open turboshaft as AMIDALA and the HANDMAIDENS run in in a clump, followed by ANAKIN._

**ANAKIN:** Oh, _bleep_! I must have dropped it somewhere!

**AMIDALA:** What?

**ANAKIN:** My video game!

**AMIDALA:** Good.

_After them comes ZIRANNE, still lugging the present. After her, D'ARGO. After him, the oozing DOMINION SPY._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** In the not-too-distant future, way down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank were hatching an Evil Scheme...

_Trying not to step in it is SITO._

**SITO:** I don't even wanna know.

**VALERIE:** _I_ don't care! This is the worst spy mission ever!

_Cut to the first evacuation party as they gingerly step over a squirming mass of pink salamanders._

**JACEN:** Be careful! Don't hurt them!

**WORF:** This is an outrage!

**B'ELANNA:** Will you be quiet?

**TOM:** Vidiians... Kazon... giant orange Cardassians with hair made out of spaghetti...

**JOTHEE** _(griping)_ **:** There are hallucinating people everywhere I go.

**JAINA:** Learn to live with it.

**KIRAYOSHI:** These things are yukky!

**KEIKO:** Hush, Yoshi!

**KIRAYOSHI:** They _are_! I want Mumu!

**MOLLY:** Uh oh...

**KIRAYOSHI** _(screeching)_ **:** Mumu! _Mumu_! _Want Mumu_!!

_WORF begins to growl under his breath._

**JADZIA** _(to WORF, sternly)_ **:** Just ignore him.

_Still carrying her, WORF strides ahead around a bend and comes to an abrupt halt._

**WORF:** _Bleep_!

**VOICE:** Now, now, Worfy. Language.

**JADZIA:** Oh, dear...

_They're joined at the front by TOM, B'ELANNA, JOTHEE, JAINA, and JACEN._

**B'ELANNA:** What the _bleep_...

**JOTHEE:** What is that? Are those?

**TOM:** And lots of meatballs!

**JACEN:** Wow! I only brought five of those with me.

**JAINA** _(strangled)_ **:** Jacen...

**JACEN:** I had no _idea_ they multiplied so quickly!

**JADZIA** _(faintly)_ **:** Didn't you?

_Ahead of them, covering the entire floor of the turboshaft, is a deep carpet of fuzzy, purring TRIBBLES._


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 45 (about 1600 words) concerning Screaming, Hull Breaches, Panicked Flight, the Nature of Tribbles, Ready Rooms, Hostage Situations, and Go Fish

**45**  


  
_Open on the_ Enterprise _bridge as RO pulls CROW off his rope._

**CROW:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Lemme go!

**RO:** Shut up!

_SEVEN and TASHA pull MIKE off ROBIN. When the latter doesn't stop screaming, SEVEN slaps her. The screaming intensifies._

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeee _eeeeee_!!

**MIKE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!

**RO:** All right... here, Borg, take this thing, and grab the other one.

_SEVEN is now burdened with SERVO and CROW. She looks mildly alarmed._

**TASHA** _(to MIKE and ROBIN)_ **:** Quiet, both of you, or I'll... lock you up with Patterson!

**MIKE:** Aaaa-- I've stopped!

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Good duration.

**TASHA:** I warned you! Er, Ro, help me with her. You, lieutenant junior grade, grab the kid!

_She grabs one of ROBIN's arms; RO takes the other. After a pause, LAVELLE seizes PATTERSON._

**PATTERSON:** Nooooooo! He's junior crew! He'll die and _take me with him_!

**TASHA** _(ruthlessly)_ **:** Into the ready room!

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_First ROBIN, then PATTERSON are thrown in. The closing door cuts off PATTERSON's pleas._

**PATTERSON:** No! You can't run the ship without me! I'm the executive officer in charge of radish--

_The door closes._

**TASHA:** _That's_ better.

**CRUSHER** _(from combadge)_ **:** Sickbay to bridge -- what's going on up there? The computer reported a hull breach.

**TASHA:** Ah... actually, I'm not quite sure... I think... er...

**SEVEN** _(looking up at the hole in the ceiling, still holding the robots)_ **:** There is indeed a hull breach, but another vessel is right next to ours with a corresponding hull breach. An air seal has formed. As long as the other vessel remains in place, we are in no danger. However, should it be jarred, then--

**TASHA:** Right. What she said.

**CRUSHER** _(from combadge)_ **:** Oh?

**TASHA:** Look, I'm a security officer, not an engineer.

**LAVELLE:** Then why don't you do something about these intruders?

**MIKE:** You don't mean me, do you?

**LAVELLE:** As a matter of fact, yes, I do.

**SERVO:** Nooooooo! Mike, saaaaaavvveee meeeeeeeee!

**CROW:** Heeeeeeeeelllllllppp!

**SERVO and CROW** _(in unison)_ **:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to entrance to turboshaft as NEELIX runs in with a towering stack of fungus pancakes, followed by CINDEL and WICKET._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** _Very_ evil spirits...

_After them comes SI CWAN._

**SI CWAN:** I'm not retreating! I'm strategically withdrawing!

_BASHIR and EZRI follow._

**BASHIR:** This man is a moron.

**EZRI:** I'd never have guessed.

**PATRICK:** Wait for me! Wait for me!

_Cut to Ops as the station shakes again. A chandelier falls down from the ceiling and smashes on the floor._

**VOICE:** Where did _that_ come from?

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** That does it! Come along, Weyoun, we're leaving.

**WEYOUN:** Of course, Founder. You, Jem'Hadar, come along!

**JEM'HADAR:** Yes, Vorta. Should I bring this thing?

**RU'AFO:** Put me down! I command you to put me down!

**WEYOUN:** Uh, I suppose so.

**GALLATIN:** And _I_ have to keep an _eye_ on him! I'll come too.

_They proceed into the turbolift, leaving the CARDASSIANS and the BORING SON'A behind._

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Hey! What about me?!

**WEYOUN** _(dismissively)_ **:** You stay here and... wait for Gul Dukat.

_The lift goes down._

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** But when he's like this, he's gone for _days_!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**NECHEYEV:** Really, Mackenzie, what's gotten into you?

**PICARD, JANEWAY, and SISKO** _(in unison)_ **:** She calls him _Mackenzie_?

**JELLICO:** Nothing's gotten into him! He's always like this!

**ROSS:** Is he.

**VADOSIA:** This situation isn't being handled properly. I could do it much better!

**HAN:** Shut up before _I_ take _you_ hostage!

_He waves his blaster threateningly._

**LEIA** _(halfheartedly)_ **:** Han, stop it.

**HAN:** You don't really mean that. _(to MARA)_ Tell her she doesn't mean it, Mara.

**LEIA:** Han!

**MARA:** Well, I'm afraid you don't. Not that I _blame_ you--

**LEIA:** Both of you, stop it!

**PICARD** _(hurriedly)_ **:** How's the computer coming?

**GEORDI:** Uh... so-so. We have some kind of navigation, but we can't go really fast.

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Ah, in case anyone was worrying, Talyn's arrived, and Moya is explaining what happened. There shouldn't be any further-- _What_??

_Cut to CRAIS fuming around the docking ring._

_Cut to the first evacuation party, staring in horror at the TRIBBLES._

**WORF:** We can't walk through that!

**B'ELANNA:** Why not? They're just fuzzballs.

_She steps forward. A horrible screeching arises._

**JADZIA:** Get back get back!!

_B'ELANNA does, looking aggravated and puzzled._

**B'ELANNA:** Do they not like people?

**WORF:** Couldn't you _feel_ it?!

**B'ELANNA:** I could hear that screeching, but--

**JADZIA:** Those are tribbles.

_Pause._

**B'ELANNA:** Never heard of them.

**JADZIA:** Lucky you.

**WORF:** They must opposed! They are enemies of the Empire!

**B'ELANNA:** Look, I hate to break it you, I'm half-Klingon but I'm _not_ in the Empire. Besides -- _those_ are enemies of the Empire?

**JADZIA:** It's a long story.

_KASIDY comes forward._

**KASIDY:** What's the holdup? Oh, I see.

**WORF:** We can vaporize them!

**JACEN:** No! Not my pets!

**JAINA:** You'd better not! He'd go absolutely insane! That might be enough to turn him to the Dark Side right there!

**KASIDY:** Besides, how could we vaporize those?

**NAOMI:** They're cute!

_The TRIBBLES purr._

**JADZIA:** We'll just have to go through them. I think I'll walk.

**WORF:** Impossible!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Are you _afraid_?

**KEIKO:** Yoshi! Don't stir up trouble.

**MEZOTI:** The life-form does not appear to be dangerous.

**ANI:** I like them.

**WORF:** But... but... but...

**JAINA:** Look, you can wait here for the others if you want.

**KIRAYOSHI:** If you're _afraid_.

_Cut to Enterprise bridge as SEVEN throws SERVO and CROW into the ready room._

**CROW:** Saaaaaavvvee mee--

_The door closes._

**SEVEN:** There.

_She turns to LAVELLE._

**SEVEN:** And you may be next!

**GYPSY** _(from the hole in the ceiling)_ **:** What's going on down there?

**MIKE:** Er, I'm not sure. Just stay put for now, Gypsy.

**TASHA:** Excellent suggestion. Look, who are you, anyway?

**MIKE:** I'm Mike Nelson.

**TASHA:** Great. What is that thing, what are those robots, and why did you run into us?

**MIKE:** That's the Satellite of Love, the robots are Servo, Crow, and Gypsy, and we're not in control of the Satellite so I don't know why we ran into you. Who are _you_?

**SEVEN:** My designation--

**TASHA:** She's something called a Borg, call her Seven. I'm Lt. Yar, this is Ro, that's Lt. Lavelle. _Why_ aren't you in control of your... ship?

**MIKE:** Well, the Mads are.

**TASHA:** The what?

**MIKE:** The Mad Scientists.

**TASHA:** Never mind, I don't think I want to know.

_Cut to opened turboshaft as the evacuation continues. A few additions seem to have been made._

**SELA** _(to KEBRON)_ **:** Come on, move it! Into the shaft!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**JAR JAR:** Mesa no like yousa!

**TAIN:** In we go!

_Their group disappears within. Next up are RICHARD, AMSHA, and JOSEPH SISKO._

**JOSEPH SISKO:** Where are you going?!

**RICHARD:** I don't know -- that way?

**LWAXANA:** Odo! Odo!

_At a safe distance after her are KALITA, EDDINGTON, and THOMAS RIKER._

**KALITA:** Does anyone know who those people are?

**THOMAS RIKER:** It's Lwaxana! Stay back!

**EDDINGTON:** Trust me, we are!

**SKIPPY** _(singsong)_ **:** I'm Commander Riker, I'm Commander Riker!

_After him comes AERYN, towing JOHN._

**AERYN** _(to SKIPPY)_ **:** Will you hurry up!

**JOHN** _(alarmed)_ **:** He's getting closer!

**AERYN:** Well... there are still all those people in the way. __

'All those people' are the BA'KU.

**SOJEF:** Technologeeeeee!

**SCORPIUS** _(in hot pursuit)_ **:** You can't escape me!

_He does, however, seem to have misplaced his FLUNKIES._

_Cut to Promenade by the two Jedi, still restraining LOVESTRUCK._

**LOVESTRUCK:** But... but...

**OBI-WAN:** Master Qui-Gon!

_He points to Quark's. DARTH MAUL has just come out, waving his lightsaber._

**QUI-GON:** What?! What's that thing doing here?!

**OBI-WAN:** I don't know, but--

_PALPATINE follows, with GUARDS._

**PALPATINE:** That's better, Maul.

**QUI-GON** _(shocked)_ **:** Senator Palpatine!

**OBI-WAN:** I don't believe it! He's a Sith! _(pause)_ Wait, I do believe it. Master, we'd better leave.

_Cut to the first evacuation party, minus B'ELANNA. They're standing still as a variety of tribble-shrieks echo in the turboshaft._

**JAINA:** Pretty awful.

_Finally, they die down. JADZIA's combadge beeps; she taps it._

**JADZIA:** Go ahead.

**B'ELANNA** _(from combadge)_ **:** Okay, I'm through.

**JADZIA:** Great. We'll start. J-Dax out.

_She taps the combadge._

**JADZIA:** Worf, put me down.

**JACEN:** _You_ are waiting here. You upset my pets.

**KEIKO:** Or more to the point, no one else can think with that screeching.

**TOM:** Say, those _aren't_ meatballs.

**LANDO** _(sarcastic)_ **:** Really? Do tell.

**NAOMI:** I think he's getting better.

**JOTHEE** _(snippy)_ **:** He could hardly get worse.

**NAOMI:** Hey!

_JADZIA is now on her feet, although shaky._

**JADZIA:** Well... come on. We'd better get going.

_They begin to wade into the TRIBBLES. As they do, JACEN starts talking to them, calling them by name._

**JACEN:** Hello, Fuzzy-Wuzzy! Hi there, Fluffers! How's NummyMuffin today?

_FUZZY-WUZZY, a large purplish tribble, purrs appreciatively._

**JAINA:** At least they don't try to eat Anakin.

**WILDMAN:** Obviously they've eaten _something_!

_The TRIBBLES purr. JAINA looks alarmed._

**TAHIRI** _(doubtful)_ **:** Surely not... __

Cut to Voyager _bridge. GEORDI is still at the Operations station._

**GEORDI:** Ah, captains? There's still some interference from the virus, not to mention the plasma storms, but I've managed to establish a channel to the station.

**CALHOUN:** I didn't tell you to do that!

**PICARD:** Quiet. On screen, Mister La Forge.

_The screen lights up with an image of a BORING SON'A, a PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY, the TIMID STORMTROOPER, and the RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY, all looking glum, sitting in Ops playing cards._

**JANEWAY:** What the--

**RYGEL:** That's a--

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY** _(from comm)_ **:** Go fish!

**SISKO:** That's my station!

**DOUGHERTY** _(placatingly)_ **:** Yes, yes, Captain Sisko, and that's your senior staff, we know.

**SISKO:** Grrrrr--

**NECHEYEV:** Matthew, I think maybe you shouldn't have said that.

**ROSS:** Sit, Sisko. Sit.


	46. Chapter 46

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 46 (about 1700 words) concerning Panicked Flight, Tribbles, Cheesy Movies, Mutant Pizza, Unaccompanied Ships, Perturbed Captains, Narrative Conventions, and Lightsaber Safety

**46**  


  
_Open on the opened turboshaft as YANAS runs in, followed by TROI. CHAKOTAY is standing near the opening, stuffing a wig on DELL._

**DELL:** I _hate_ this--

**CHAKOTAY:** Stop whining.

_ZHAAN and STARK run past._

**CHAKOTAY:** Now say it!

**DELL:** I don't wanna--

**CHAKOTAY:** Dell...

_The EWOKS run past, carrying THREEPIO in his chair._

**EWOKS:** Yub, yub!

**THREEPIO:** Oh, dear.

**CHAKOTAY:** _Dell_...

**DELL:** Oh, all right! Fine!

_LUKE runs past._

**DELL:** I'm the king of the world!

_Cut to Promenade upper level with JOR._

**JOR:** Jack! I'm coming! Jack!

_Music blaring, she swerves in midair and dives for the turboshaft opening._

**CHAKOTAY:** Everyone duck!

_Cut to exterior space, near Deep Space Nine, as a SpaceTaxi pulls up._

**SPACETAXI DRIVER** _(voice-over)_ **:** Now look, mister, do you want to go to the station or one of the ships? Cuz my cab doesn't have a transporter, see, so I can't beam you onto the ships...

_Cut to interior of the SpaceTaxi._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Then just put us on the station, you idiot!

_He's crammed into the back seat along with FRANK and a towering pile of movie reels._

**SPACETAXI DRIVER:** Look, mister, I don't have to take that kind of talk.

**DR. FORRESTER** _(lost in his own little world)_ **:** And when I find him... oh, yes, the pain! _This_ will mean... _Mitchell Lives by Night_!

_Thunder booms._

**FRANK:** Are we there yet?

_Cut to the first evacuation party wading through the TRIBBLES. JADZIA staggers._

**KASIDY:** Are you all right?

**JADZIA:** Fine.

_The station shakes._

**JADZIA:** Actually, I _would_ appreciate a shoulder to lean on.

_JAINA is down on her hands and knees, digging through the TRIBBLES. The other Solo kids are gathered around._

**JAINA:** Anakin? If you can hear me, say something! Anakin!

**NASHIRA:** Do you really think they're eating him?

**JAINA:** We can't take the risk!

**WAN-WAN:** If he's dead, can I have his room?

**JAINA, JACEN, and NASHIRA** _(in unison)_ **:** No.

**NOMI:** Are you sure? It _would_ get Wan-Wan out of _my_ room...

**JACEN:** Oh, come on... my pets would never hurt Anakin!

**JAINA:** Oh?

**JACEN:** Well... the tribbles wouldn't!

**NAOMI:** Good luck finding anything.

**MOLLY:** What a mess.

_Cut to the docking ring with CRAIS as JACK THE RIPPER runs right over his feet, followed by the rest of the pet vanguard. CRAIS jumps about two meters._

**CRAIS:** _Bleep_! __

Cut to Enterprise _bridge._

**TASHA:** All right, er... Mike, be quiet and stay out of the way and we won't throw you in the ready room.

**MIKE:** Right.

_He looks around, then sits down in the captain's chair._

**GYPSY:** Are you all right, Mike?

**MIKE** _(looking up)_ **:** Just fine, Gypsy. Stay there, okay?

**GYPSY:** Yes, Mike.

**SEVEN:** I am still concerned for Icheb, Azan, and Rebi.

**RO:** Well, I'm _not_ going to go look for them.

_The lift door opens and TK-422 comes onto the bridge._

**TK-422:** Lord Vader! Guess what! I found some pizza!

_He holds up a_ much _the worse-for-wear pizza. It came out of the warp core._

**TK-422:** Can I eat it, Lord Vader?

_Slowly, TASHA, RO, SEVEN, LAVELLE, and MIKE all turn to look at him._

**TASHA:** What is _this_?

**PIZZA:** Blaaaaarp!

**SEVEN:** It appears to be a mutant pizza.

_Cut to the docking ring, where the_ Enterprise _is docked. The PETS are starting to stream onto the ship._

**VOICE:** Guess they forgot to put up that 'service animals only' sign.

_Cut to the Promenade, as QUI-GON and OBI-WAN take out their lightsabers._

**QUI-GON:** I never suspected Senator Palpatine was a Sith...

**PALPATINE:** Doddering old idiot.

**DARTH MAUL** _(_ very _quietly)_ **:** Pot. Kettle.

**OBI-WAN:** I don't know _what_ we're going to tell the Queen.

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kira! Look out! It's... it's... it's the illegitimate offspring of Marilyn Manson and a horned melon!

_The others turn to look at him._

**DARTH MAUL:** Master... I don't _really_ look like that, do I?

**PALPATINE:** We-ellll...

_Cut to the open turboshaft as LEETA and M'PELLA run in, followed by LAUREN, who has somehow acquired a dabo girl outfit. After them runs ROM, then ISHKA and ZEK._

**ZEK:** Whazzat? Whazz happening?

**ISHKA:** Just come along.

_Followed by..._

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** Having to run like this at _my_ age...

**MERU:** Oh? What is your age?

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** Shut up!

_Cut to the landing pad with the_ Delta Flyer _and the smoldering remains of the_ Dumfershire _. DATA, ICHEB, AZAN, and REBI come in from the door and head for the_ Delta Flyer _._

**DATA:** We'll take this shuttle off the station and rendezvous--

**ICHEB:** What's that?

_The SpaceTaxi comes in and lands._

**DR. FORRESTER** _(from SpaceTaxi)_ **:** Frank, don't forget the movies!

_DR. FORRESTER and FRANK come out, FRANK buried in movies._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Ah, yes... this way!

**FRANK:** Mmmf!

_They head out. DATA, ICHEB, AZAN, and REBI exchange dubious glances._

**SPACETAXI DRIVER:** Can you believe how rude he was?

_Cut to the interior of the Son'a ship. There's no one there._

**VOICE:** Oooooops!

_Cut to exterior space as the Son'a ship spins out of control and clips a station connector near the docking ring._

**B'ELANNA** _(voice-over)_ **:** _Bleep_!

_Cut to three-way fight._

**KIRA/SARAH:** Who did that?

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Don't try to blame me! It was probably Amojin.

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** You always try to blame me!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as TASHA throws TK-422 (and his MUTANT PIZZA, too) into the ready room._

**TK-422:** Hey! You can't do--

**GYPSY:** That was a very strange man.

**TASHA:** What was he?

**RO:** I think--

_SEVEN's combadge beeps; she taps it._

**B'ELANNA** _(from combadge, coughing)_ **:** Seven, we have a problem! This shaft got hit or something -- there's some sort of electric fire -- I don't think there's a hull breath but we could use a fire extinguisher--

**SEVEN:** I'm on my way.

_She grabs a fire extinguisher from an emergency cupboard and heads off the bridge._

**TASHA:** Hey, wait...

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. JANEWAY is at the helm; CALHOUN is still holding TAXCO at swordpoint; the ship is still in the Badlands. The room appears calm, but muffled noises are coming from the ready room._

**JELLICO:** Isn't anyone going to do something?!

**PICARD:** No.

**RYGEL:** I am. I'm taking bets. ****

ROSS _(reasonably)_ **:** Edward, Matthew made Captain Sisko mad -- and we _know_ what happens when you make a DS9er mad. He's just paying the price.

**HAN:** I for one would have been happy to help.

**VOICE:** Somehow I suspect you're not alone in that sentiment.

**MARTOK:** When are we going to get to the station?

**JANEWAY:** It'll be a few hours yet.

**MARA** _(glumly)_ **:** At this rate, longer.

_Cut to SEVEN hurrying through the docking ring, stepping over PETS, and nearly colliding with CRAIS._

**CRAIS:** What the _bleep_ is going on here??!!

**SEVEN** _(brushing him off)_ **:** There is insufficient time to explain.

**CRAIS** _(refusing to be brushed off)_ **:** I'm looking for someone. Aeryn Sun--

**SEVEN:** She's somewhere on the station, yes. I'm occupied--

**CRAIS:** Take me there!

**SEVEN:** Fine. You may come help. Stay out of the way. __

She continues along to a turboshaft and looks down it to see some fires. Immediately she heads in, extinguishing as she goes.

**B'ELANNA** _(from somewhere ahead past the flames)_ **:** Seven! Over--

_She breaks off, coughing. SEVEN hurries forward, sprays a few more fires, and finds B'ELANNA wedged halfway into an access passage._

**SEVEN:** Are you damaged?

_B'ELANNA gets to her feet. She looks a little scorched._

**B'ELANNA:** No, I'm not 'damaged'. Now who's _that_?

**SEVEN:** I do not know. He refused to remove himself. Perhaps he will serve some purpose.

**B'ELANNA** _(doubtful)_ **:** All right. Well, the others are back that way...

**SEVEN:** Then--

**B'ELANNA:** But unfortunately, so is a lot of the damage.

_Ahead, the turboshaft has been violently warped. In order to get through, you have to scramble through a small space near the ceiling. To add injury to insult, there are sparking wires and conduits all around it._

**SEVEN:** I see.

_Cut to Promenade, as DARTH MAUL, QUI-GON, and OBI-WAN fight their way up the stairs to the walkway._

**VOICE:** Narrative conventions _must_ be observed.

_They nearly trip over the BORG QUEEN._

**VOICE:** Was that in the script?

**BORG QUEEN:** What's _that_ \-- the love child of Marilyn Manson and a horned melon?

**DARTH MAUL** _(hurt feelings, wailing)_ **:** Master! Make them stop!

_Cut to opened turboshaft as GARAK runs in, followed by SOLETA and SHELBY._

**SHELBY:** I think I saw Dr. Selar!

**SOLETA:** By the slimy thing, you mean?

**SHELBY:** Right! Shouldn't someone go help her?

**SOLETA:** Lt. Commander Burgoyne is already there.

**SHELBY:** Oh.

**RIKER:** Forget the Hermat! We have to help everyone else!

_After them come HUGH and WESLEY._

**WESLEY:** I feel I need to reconsider this dangerous prejudice I have harbored against Borg.

**HUGH:** Don't.

_Cut to the first evacuation party. Half the kids are crying; almost everyone has their hands over their heads; they're all sitting down -- which means chest-deep in still-purring TRIBBLES._

**KASIDY:** Commander Dax? Are you all right?

**JADZIA:** I'll have to think about that.

**NAOMI:** I smell smoke! Electrical fire!

**JOTHEE:** _Bleep_ ing _bleep_ of a--

**MOLLY** _(authoritatively)_ **:** Not as bad as a plasma fire.

**MEZOTI:** Either presents a hazard.

**KEIKO:** Yoshi? Where are you?

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu!

**LANDO:** Everyone okay?

**JACEN:** I don't think most of them are hurt.

**LANDO:** Great, Jacen. All the _humanoids_ okay?

**JACEN:** Oh, _that's_ a nice attitude--

**JAINA:** Think so.

_The station shakes._

**MARISSA** _(grouchily)_ **:** This wouldn't happen on the _Enterprise_.

**MOLLY:** What's that supposed to mean?!

**WILDMAN:** We'd better get going.

_Cut to the Promenade walkway as the lightsaber duel continues. Suitable music plays._

**VOICE:** This is going quite well so far, except for the Borg Queen.

**BORG QUEEN:** What do you mean, except for me! I'm having problems! I'm having _plenty_ of problems--

_She stands up -- right into the path of DARTH MAUL's lightsaber._

**BORG QUEEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Her head is separated from her body._

**VOICE:** Add one more problem to the list, Borgy-baby!

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** You knew this was going to happen!

_The BORG QUEEN's body is slumped on the walkway floor, but her head is floating in midair._

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** I'll get you for this!

**OBI-WAN** _(definitely alarmed)_ **:** Er...

**QUI-GON:** Ignore it, padawan! Concentrate on the Sith!

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** I'll get all of you! Resistance is futile! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

**OBI-WAN:** That may be rather difficult!


	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 47 (about 1700 words) concerning Corridor Ghouls, Pizza, Tribbles, Panicked Flight, a Different Hull Breach, Melons, Priorities, and The Disease

**47**  


  
_Open on_ Enterprise _bridge._

**TASHA** _(disgusted)_ **:** Well, _now_ what do we do?

**MIKE:** Don't look at me.

**LAVELLE:** Er, we might want to get the rest of the pizza out of the warp core.

_There is a brief silence._

**TASHA:** Oh! Of _course_! Pizzas in the warp core! Why didn't I _suspect_ there might be pizzas in the warp core! _All_ Starfleet ships have the occasional pizzas in their warp core! I should have _known_! Pizza!

**RO:** Why don't I just go deal with that.

_TASHA slumps down in a seat._

**TASHA:** Pizza. In the warp core.

_RO heads for the turbolift, but just as she reaches it, it opens and CHOMPER comes onto the bridge._

**RO:** Oh, no!

**TASHA:** Now what? More mutant pizza? Invading Romulans? Random white-armored people? Giant sluglike creatures?

**RO:** No, it's an eyeless thing.

**CHOMPER:** That's _corridor ghoul_ to _you_.

**TASHA** _(horrified)_ **:** It _talks_!

_Cut to B'ELANNA squeezing through the hole near the ceiling. SEVEN and CRAIS are looking on._

**B'ELANNA:** Almost through... oh no...

_From the other side, TRIBBLES start howling._

**CRAIS:** _What_ is _that_?

**B'ELANNA** _(retreating)_ **:** Those tribble things! Awful, isn't it?

**SEVEN:** Ah. Species 1054.

_B'ELANNA looks over her shoulder to give SEVEN a very dubious look._

**SEVEN:** Don't look at me, _I_ didn't assimilate them.

_An even more dubious look._

**SEVEN:** Will you stop that?

_Cut to opened turboshaft as JACK and SLOAN fight their way in, followed by several GAMORREANS._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Come on, hurry up, let's go!

_The GAMORREANS, BIB FORTUNA, OOLA, and SELAR are towing JABBA's dais. BURGOYNE is tethered on behind. After them come DR. FORRESTER and FRANK._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Hey, move it! Other people are trying to get into this turboshaft, you know!

_BURGOYNE gives him a big grin._

**DR FORRESTER** _(hurriedly)_ **:** Never mind.

_Cut to Ops, as the BORING SON'A, the PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY, the TIMID STORMTROOPER, and the RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY continue their game._

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** I mean, being a flunky just isn't any _fun_ , y'know? Do this, do that, take over the world, exterminate these people, fly a Prowler through a wormhole and get liquified, and on and on... Y'see?

**BORING SON'A:** Yeah. And everyone always beats you up.

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** Lucky you! _We_ always get _shot_. Plus, there's the uniforms.

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** I know _exactly_ what you mean. Say, I found Damar's secret kanar stash... wanna see if we can get it open?

_They get down next to a little safe and begin poking at it. Meanwhile, out the Ops viewscreen, something that looks very much like a van is approaching._

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** I think it's a combination lock, see?

**BORING SON'A:** Uh huh. Gallatin has one of those for his pain pills -- must be a second-in-command sort of thing. Personally, I think he's hooked on the things...

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** Whenever Lord Vader's on board, all the officers start popping tranquillizers like complimentary mints -- they even have little dishes on the tables...

_The "van" is getting_ very _close._

**BORING SON'A:** Hmm... Have you ever tried just swearing at it?

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Yeah, once. Didn't work. Still, it's gotta be something simple or Damar would never manage to get more.

_Closer..._

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** _Here_ we go! Broke the hinges!

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Great! You ever had kanar before?

_Closer..._

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** It's great stuff. Here--

_SMASH!!!!_

The "van" comes through the window and skids to a halt in the middle of Ops. For a moment there is a frozen silence. Then--

**BRAIN GUY:** Madam, I _told_ you Bobo couldn't be allowed to drive!

_Cut to the lightsaber duel continuing on the Promenade walkway, despite the somewhat distracting presence of the DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN._

**QUI-GON:** Padawan... promise me... that you'll train Ani...

**OBI-WAN:** Look, Master, you're not dying, okay?!

**QUI-GON:** Just trying to make sure it was all arranged!

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** You'll regret this! You half-melon, you! Your mother was a melon that _rotted_!

**DARTH MAUL:** Don't talk about my mother that way!

_He flies into a rage and tries to attack the DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN, but she bobs out of reach, out over the Promenade._

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** You'll never get me, melon-head. _I'll_ get _you_!! Mwa ha ha ha ha! _Mwa_ ha ha ha ha!!

_Cut to below, as KIRA/SARAH, DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN, and ARLA/JALBADOR look up at the flying DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN._

**KIRA/SARAH:** If this is some trick of yours, Amojin...

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** Why do you always accuse me?

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Because you got all the good dirty tricks, too!

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** Mwa ha ha ha ha!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. SISKO has returned, as has a rather beat-up DOUGHERTY. JANEWAY is still at the helm, but no one dares take her seat._

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** ...so you see, Crais is on the station. That... _might_ be a good thing... ****

LEIA: It suddenly occurs to me that most of Jacen's pets were also on the station.

**HAN:** Well, whoever's taken it over is having a hard time, then.

**SISKO:** They'd better be!

_Pause._

**SISKO:** I hope my crew is all right.

**NECHEYEV:** Crew this, crew that, don't you ever think about anything but your crew?

**JANEWAY:** Of course. We think about our ships, too. Or station, in Captain Sisko's case.

**NECHEYEV:** Is that it?!

**PICARD:** The state of the Federation.

**NECHEYEV:** What about admirals' careers??!! Don't you care about that??!!

_Everyone turns to look at her._

**JELLICO:** And regulations!

**CALHOUN:** Shut up before I take _you_ hostage, too!

_Cut to rubble-filled turboshaft as KEIKO boosts MOLLY up to the gap._

**MOLLY:** I'm coming through!

_Cut to other side, where B'ELANNA and SEVEN grab MOLLY's hands and pull her through._

**MOLLY:** Ouch. It's hot in there!

**SEVEN:** She's through.

**B'ELANNA:** Next!

_Cut to WORF, standing a safe distance from the TRIBBLES, as ODO runs up._

**ODO:** Why did you stop-- Oh. Enemies of the Empire, I see.

**WORF:** It is not funny!

**ODO:** Well, the _rest_ of us are going on ahead!

_He pushes past WORF and starts wading through the TRIBBLES just as other panicked refugees arrive._

**ZIYAL:** Oh, my! What are these?

**FUZZY-WUZZY:** Purrrrrr...

**ZIYAL:** They're sweet!

_Holding FUZZY-WUZZY, she forges on._

**NOG:** Come on, everyone, let's sing to keep our spirits up! All together now: I'll be seeing you...

**JAKE:** Shut up before I smother you with tribbles.

**CHIANA:** You _can't_ sing!

_For some reason, XYON hands WORF the broken crappy disguise._

**XYON:** Here.

_Cut to Ops._

**PEARL** _(from "van")_ **:** Bobo! Just look what you've done! You crashed my van! Bad Bobo! Very bad!

**BOBO** _(from "van")_ **:** Don't kill me!

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** What's happened? I can't see!

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** You know... actually... I think that's a hull breach.

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Y'know... I think you're right.

**BORING SON'A:** Huh... so do I.

_They look at one another._

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY, PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY, TIMID STORMTROOPER, and BORING SON'A** _(in unison)_ **:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**VOICE** _(cheerily)_ **:** Don't worry! The laws of physics went out the window when the van came in!

_The van's door opens and PEARL steps out, looking around._

**PEARL:** Where's that satellite?

**VOICE:** Now _this_ , you might want to worry about.

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** What satellite?

**PEARL:** The Satellite of Love, you idiot!

**BORING SON'A:** You watch your mouth, strange human female!

**PEARL:** That does it. Bobo! Brain Guy! Come along, we're leaving!

_They depart via turbolift._

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** Good riddance.

_A brief silence._

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Do you know how to play double solitaire?

**BORING SON'A:** That's sort of an oxymoron, isn't it?

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** We have too many people anyway. How about bridge?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _engineering, upper level. RO has a fishing pole and is 'fishing' down off the walkway while she whistles off-key. Her bobber goes down, and she smiles._

**RO:** E, D, they're all the same -- there's only one way to get miscellaneous crap out of the warp core.

_She reels in another MUTANT PIZZA._

**MUTANT PIZZA:** Blibbity blaarp!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge. MIKE is still in the captain's chair, LAVELLE is tapping at a console, TASHA is flopped in another chair with a cold cloth over her eyes, and CHOMPER is curled up in the middle of the floor._

**GYPSY** _(from the hole in the ceiling)_ **:** Mike? Joel wants to know what's going on. Should I tell him to go down there?

**MIKE:** Sure, Gypsy.

**GYPSY:** All right.

**LAVELLE:** Hey! You can't just invite another intruder onto our ship!

**TASHA:** Oh, be quiet.

**LAVELLE** _(sullenly)_ **:** Well, he _can't_.

**TASHA:** Lieutenant, everyone on the station is probably running onto our ship right now. What difference is one crazy person more or less?

_Cut to MEZOTI coming through the rubble-gap to be helped to the floor by SEVEN. MOLLY, NAOMI, NASHIRA, JAY GORDON, MARISSA, TAHIRI, KIRAYOSHI, ANI, NOMI, and WAN-WAN are already through. JOTHEE is eying CRAIS with some suspicion; CRAIS is ignoring him._

**JADZIA** _(from other side)_ **:** We're sending Barclay through next!

**B'ELANNA** _(under her breath)_ **:** Great.

**JADZIA** _(from other side)_ **:** Wait... what are-- Er, there'll be a slight delay...

_TRIBBLES start flying through. One hits B'ELANNA and shrieks; she bats it away._

**JAINA** _(from other side)_ **:** Jacen, cut it out!

_The TRIBBLES halt, but GINGER appears in the gap. No one makes any move to pull her through._

**TAHIRI:** Jacen, get your womp rat out of the way!

_GINGER slides through and floats gently to the floor. She waddles off down the turboshaft._

**JADZIA** _(from other side)_ **:** _Now_ Barclay's coming through. And then maybe we can get to the _Enterprise_.

_Cut to other side as ODO runs up._

**ODO:** Can you get through there?

**JADZIA:** Yes, one at a time. Are you in charge of the next evacuation party?

_ODO pauses._

**ODO:** Well, not exactly...

_Cut to opened turboshaft as along come DR. FORRESTER and FRANK, with the movies._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Onwards!

_After them, LOVESTRUCK reluctantly goes in, casting many a glance over his shoulder._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Don't worry, Colonel Kira! I'll come back! I'll save you!

**VOICE:** The last thing she wants, I'm sure.

_After him, WEYOUN, the FEMALE FOUNDER, the JEM'HADAR carrying RU'AFO, and GALLATIN run in._

**GALLATIN:** Why do I bother?

_After them, SIRELLA runs by._

**SIRELLA:** I hate retreating!

**VOICE:** Now, we all know there's only one thing that could make this redoubtable Klingon lady run...

_After them rolls..._

**VOICE:** The Disease!


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 48 (about 1800 words) concerning Narrative Conventions, Mutant Pizza, Tribbles, Scotch, Bad Luck, True Gods, Panicked Flight, and Sanity Slipping Away

**48**  


  
_Open on the lightsaber duel as DARTH MAUL lands an elbow in OBI-WAN's stomach._

**OBI-WAN:** Gak!

_He's knocked backwards -- off the walkway! Fortunately he manages to catch hold of the edge before he falls into the Prophet-fight._

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** Mwa ha ha! Mwa ha ha ha ha!

**OBI-WAN:** Oh, _bleep_.

**VOICE:** Language, young Jedi.

_Above, QUI-GON fights off DARTH MAUL alone._

**OBI-WAN:** Not _again_...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as JOEL drops through the hole in the ceiling._

**JOEL** _(mellow)_ **:** Hi, everyone... What's going on?

**MIKE:** I'm not sure. These people are having some sort of problem.

**CROW** _(muffled, from ready room)_ **:** Joel, Joel, help! Heeeelp! I'm a prisoner!

**TASHA:** Let him out, and I'll kill you.

**GYPSY** _(from the ceiling)_ **:** No! You can't! I won't let you!

**TASHA:** Whatever.

**PATTERSON** _(muffled, from ready room)_ **:** Waaaaaaah!

_The turbolift door opens and RO comes out, with a string of MUTANT PIZZAS over her shoulder._

**RO:** The warp core's fine.

**MUTANT PIZZAS:** Blarp blarp, blarp-blarp blaarp-blarp blarp!

**LAVELLE:** Could you... put those somewhere?

**RO:** Sure.

_She puts them on his console._

**LAVELLE:** Hey!

_Cut to NOG being hauled through the rubble-gap. B'ELANNA is supporting TOM._

**B'ELANNA:** All right, we're starting off. We'll leave a trail of tribbles for the next bunch to follow.

**SEVEN:** Good. Security chief Odo and myself can handle the refugees.

**ODO:** I hope.

**JADZIA:** It's not _that_ bad. Who's that?

**SEVEN:** I don't know.

**CRAIS:** I'll stay here and wait.

**WILDMAN:** Whatever. Come on, kids.

**NASHIRA:** Keep an eye out for Jacen and Jaina.

**TAHIRI:** He's staying for his pets, she's trying to hang on to _his_ leash.

_Cut to other side, as JACEN frantically shovels TRIBBLES through the gap. CHIANA and XYON are standing impatiently behind him; as we watch, the RANDOM CIVILIAN runs up._

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Young man, get out of my way!

**JAINA:** _He's_ not in the way, the tribbles are.

_More people are running up._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Great, more delays.

**NORVO:** Is this safe?

**OGAWA:** I doubt it.

**DAMAR:** Anyone got a scotch?

**JOOL:** Eee-

_CHIANA claps a hand over JOOL's mouth. JACEN heaves TOOTHY through the gap, then grudgingly steps back to allow people through._

**QUARK:** So, is there any way we can keep Worf back there permanently?

_Cut to the edge of the TRIBBLES. WORF is still there._

**AMIDALA** _(to HANDMAIDENS)_ **:** Come on, everyone! Keep up!

_ANAKIN pauses to look at WORF._

**ANAKIN:** What are you waiting for? Even _I'm_ not scared of _these_ pets.

**WORF:** I am not scared--

_ANAKIN's moved on._

**D'ARGO:** Is there a problem?

**WORF:** No.

**VALERIE:** _These_ are peculiar creatures.

**VOICE:** And now, folks, the ten million credit question: do tribbles object to Species 8472?

_VALERIE steps into the TRIBBLES. They don't purr, they don't shriek, they don't seem to notice her._

**VOICE:** Guess not. Species 8472 seem to rate right up their with... rocks!

**VALERIE:** Shut up. __

ZIRANNE and SITO have come up and are starting into the TRIBBLES. The only one left is the DOMINION SPY, and even it's leaving.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Wave your little hand and whisper so long dearie...

_Cut to PEARL, BOBO, and BRAIN GUY marching down the Promenade walkway, right towards the lightsaber duel._

**PEARL:** Out of my way!

_Startled, QUI-GON and DARTH MAUL pull back._

**PEARL:** _That's_ better.

_As they proceed through, BOBO accidentally kicks OBI-WAN's dropped lightsaber. It skitters over so the blade is out over the edge of the walkway -- right over OBI-WAN's head._

**OBI-WAN:** Even my own lightsaber turns against me.

_There is an especially violent flash from the three-way fight below. The DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN cackles wildly._

**OBI-WAN:** This hasn't been a good day.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**RO:** Now, when we start moving, I think someone had better hang onto the gap up there, or we'll all explosively decompress.

**MIKE:** You mean, keep the Satellite of Love next to this ship?

**RO:** Yes. I think you could--

**JOEL:** Hey, Gypsy, could you get the duct tape?

**GYPSY:** Sure, Joel, where is it?

**MIKE:** With Crow's gold boots, I think.

**TASHA** _(groaning)_ **:** Duct tape.

**RO:** That's how we kept half the ships in the Maquis fleet together.

**TASHA:** How reassuring. I still don't know what Maquis are.

_The turbolift opens and GINGER waddles out. She circles the bridge, then goes to the front and lies down between conn and operations and the viewscreen._

**TASHA:** Or what that is, for that matter.

**RO:** I can't help you there.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. GEORDI is now at the helm, and JANEWAY is back in her chair. They're still in the Badlands._

**GEORDI** _(under his breath)_ **:** _Bleep_ ed sensors.

**JANEWAY:** Tuvok, what did you do with the Doctor's mobile emitter?

**TUVOK:** Er... I'm not certain.

**JANEWAY:** You mean you _lost_ it?!

**TUVOK:** Not precisely.

**JANEWAY:** Tuvok!

**TUVOK:** What am I supposed to do?

**TAXCO:** Rescue me!

**CALHOUN:** Quiet, hostage!

**KAI WINN** _(out of the blue)_ **:** After careful consideration, I have decided who the true god of Bajor is.

**MARA:** Where did _that_ come from?

**MONK:** Eminence...?

**KAI WINN:** And I will now share my insight with you all!

**SISKO:** If she says the Pah-wraiths...

**KAI WINN:** Me!

_There is a long silence. SISKO starts to turn red and opens his mouth._

**ROSS** _(hastily)_ **:** So, Alynna, what are you doing Friday night?

_Everyone turns to look at him._

**ROSS** _(hissed, to NECHEYEV)_ **:** Come on, say something!

**NECHEYEV:** Ah, well, I was thinking of maybe taking a ski trip to Breen...

**SISKO:** _WHAT_ DID YOU SAY??!!!!

**JANEWAY:** Uh-oh.

**SISKO:** I HOPE I DIDN'T HEAR YOU SAY _YOU_ WERE A GOD!!!!

**KAI WINN:** As a matter of fact, I am.

**JANEWAY:** Tuvok!

_SISKO pulls a compression rifle out of his jacket, but before he can fire, JANEWAY and TUVOK restrain him._

**JANEWAY:** Not on _my_ bridge, you don't.

_Cut to AMIDALA squeezing through the rubble-gap, assisted by SEVEN._

**AMIDALA:** Which way?

**ODO:** Follow the tribbles.

_She starts off as HANDMAIDENS start coming through._

**ODO** _(to SEVEN)_ **:** As I was saying, after that, no one wanted to stay around.

_ANAKIN takes off after the others._

**SEVEN:** And after lasting through The Disease. Unfortunate that all the Disease Control equipment is on _Voyager_.

_SITO starts through the gap, and is assisted._

**SITO:** Thanks! Watch out for the goop.

**D'ARGO** _(to CRAIS)_ **:** What are _you_ doing here?

**CRAIS** _(shortly)_ **:** It's a long story. ****

ODO: You know this person? Who is he?

**D'ARGO:** A... er... forget it. Where's Jothee?

**ODO:** He went along to the _Enterprise_. ****

SEVEN: And here is the Species 8472.

**VALERIE:** Look, I've had it with the speciesist remarks!

_ZIRANNE is next, pushing the present through ahead._

**ZIRANNE:** I forgot to give this to Jadzia...

_And after her oozes, of course, the DOMINION SPY._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places...

**ODO:** Wonderful. Another one.

_Cut to WORF as NEELIX arrives, fungus pancakes scattering behind. CINDEL and WICKET are right behind him._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Come on, let's hurry!

**CINDEL:** Yub, yub!

**PATRICK:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Retreat!

**SI CWAN:** You hear me?! I am _not_ retreating!! _Not_ , you puny little ignoble people!!

_He shakes a finger at WORF, who punches him. He goes flying into the TRIBBLES. They stop purring and make dubious noises._

**BASHIR:** Good going, Worf. But why are you still standing here?

**WORF:** Er...

**EZRI:** Don't tell us you're still here because of the _tribbles_! ...where did they come from, anyway?

**WORF:** That foolish boy who brought the eyeless things.

**BASHIR:** Naturally.

_Pause._

**EZRI:** Well, we can't stay here forever. Try to catch up eventually, all right? The tribbles aren't _that_ scary.

_They proceed._

**WORF:** I am _not_ scared!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as GYPSY sticks her head back down._

**GYPSY:** Joel? Mike? I found the duct tape, but there was hardly any left!

_An almost-empty roll drops down._

**JOEL:** Hmm. Well, why don't you keep anchored to the SOL, and stick your head down here and hang onto something?

**GYPSY:** Okay.

**TASHA:** I feel sanity slipping away from me, drop by drop...

**RO:** Don't be melodramatic.

_The turbolift door opens and B'ELANNA, KEIKO, WILDMAN, LANDO, JADZIA, O'BRIEN, BARCLAY, JAKE, NOG, TOM, KASIDY, CHIANA, JOTHEE, XYON, KALINDA, ANI, NAOMI, MEZOTI, MOLLY, KIRAYOSHI, TAHIRI, MARISSA, JAY GORDON, NASHIRA, NOMI, WAN-WAN, JOOL, the RANDOM CIVILIAN, and ZIYAL, bearing an armload of TRIBBLES, pile in._

**RO:** Aaahh! Can't some of you go somewhere else?

**TASHA:** I told you so.

**B'ELANNA:** Seven's back helping the evacuation. What is that stuff on the console?

**TOM** _(faintly)_ **:** I've seen lots of pizza, but I've never seen anything like that.

**NASHIRA:** Tahiri, look! Ginger's in labor!

**RO:** Well... you may have a point.

_Cut to WORF, taking a cautious step into the TRIBBLES. They like him even less than they did B'ELANNA._

**TRIBBLES:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_He's passed by KALITA, THOMAS RIKER, and EDDINGTON at a run._

**KALITA:** What a racket!

_Another step._

**TRIBBLES:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**JOHN:** What is that _noise_?

**AERYN** _(looking over her shoulder)_ **:** Just keep running!

_They struggle onwards. WORF takes another step._

**TRIBBLES:** EeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeee!

_He's passed by RICHARD, AMSHA, JOSEPH SISKO, and LWAXANA._

**LWAXANA:** Odo! Odo!

_Another step._

**TRIBBLES:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_He's passed by SELA, JENAVIAN, KOVAL, and TAIN, dragging JAR JAR and KEBRON._

**JAR JAR:** Helpa! Helpa! Somebody helpa mesa!

**KOVAL:** Will you be quiet?!

**TRIBBLES:** EEEEEEEE _EEEEEEE_!!

_As he takes another step, he's passed by ANIJ and ARTIM, followed closely by SOJEF and the other BA'KU._

**SOJEF:** Ah! _These_ aren't technologee!

_Another step._

**TRIBBLES:** EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE_!!!

**JACEN:** Stop it!!!!

_He comes running back down the turboshaft. While he's still a good ten feet away, WORF is knocked backwards away from the TRIBBLES._

**JACEN:** You're hurting them!

_Tenderly, he gathers up an armload of TRIBBLES._

**JACEN:** Now, I know you can't help your physiology, but you don't have to kick them!

_SCORPIUS comes charging along the corridor and into the TRIBBLES._

**SCORPIUS:** You can't escape me!

**TRIBBLES:** Eeeeeeeeee-ERRRRRRR!

_SCORPIUS is suddenly latched onto by large numbers of TRIBBLES making threatening noises._

**SCORPIUS:** Mmmfff!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Oh, my! _That's_ what I sense! It's Master Qui-Gon! He's alive!

**LEIA** _(tiredly)_ **:** Who's he?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** He was my Jedi instructor.

**MARA:** I thought you said _Yoda_ was your instructor!

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Well, yes, he was, but Master Qui-Gon was, too! I was his padawan learner... until he picked up Vader-to-be!

**HAN:** Why do I get the feeling we're about to be treated to Obi-Wan Kenobi's life history?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** He liked the little brat better than me!

**MARA:** You told Luke that _you_ trained Darth Vader.

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Yes, well, but it was Master Qui-Gon's fault!

**JANEWAY:** This is all very fascinating, I'm sure, but could you tone it down? We're trying to soothe a captain here.

_JANEWAY and PICARD are next to SISKO, speaking to him. He's sitting in the first officer's chair, and is making strange faces as he clenches and unclenches his fists._

**JANEWAY:** ...Although personally I think it may be a lost cause.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 49 (about 1600 words) concerning Attack Tribbles, Cadets, Panicked Flight, Distressing Scenes, the Sunny Sunny Happy Days Nursing Home, Impending Hull Breaches, and a Convention of Spies

**49**  


  
_Open on OBI-WAN dangling above the three-way fight._

**OBI-WAN:** Hey... uh... can somebody help me?

_No one pays any attention._

**OBI-WAN:** Or at least move my lightsaber?

_Cut to WORF, standing at the edge of the TRIBBLES, fuming at JACEN. (SCORPIUS is staggering on down the hall despite the attacking TRIBBLES.)_

**WORF:** I have to get to the _Enterprise_!

_YANAS runs by._

**JACEN:** Well, you can find another way!

_TROI runs by._

**JACEN:** I'm not letting you _near_ my pets!

_LUKE runs up, then spots JACEN and halts._

**LUKE:** All right, Jacen, what's going on?

**JACEN:** This man was hurting my pets!

**WORF:** They are not pets, they are detestable creatures!

_LUKE looks from WORF, to the TRIBBLES, to JACEN. ZHAAN and STARK are going by._

**LUKE:** All right, I'm not going to ask. But don't get left behind this time, Jacen!

_He sprints onwards as the EWOKS with THREEPIO approach._

**TEEBO** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Come on! Get the Great Golden God to safety!

_Cut to the very crowded_ Enterprise _bridge._

**TASHA:** Will some of you go down to sickbay? Or _somewhere_?

_No one makes any move to leave._

**MEZOTI:** Naomi, observe! The animal is procreating!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Weird.

**ANI:** So _that's_ where babies come from!

**VOICE:** No midichlorians involved anywhere.

**TAHIRI:** Maybe someone should tell Jacen about Ginger.

**MIKE:** Should you kids be watching that?

**JADZIA:** Can I have a chair?

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** _I_ need a chair!!

**O'BRIEN** _(ignoring the latter)_ **:** You belong in sickbay. What's this stuff on the console?

**RO:** Mutant pizza.

**JADZIA** _(at the same time)_ **:** Oh, shut up.

**O'BRIEN** _(to RO)_ **:** What are you doing here?

**RO:** Look, I'm not going to have the Maquis discussion one more time, got it?

**ROBIN** _(from ready room)_ **:** Help! Help!

**B'ELANNA:** Who's that?

**TASHA:** An idiot.

**CHIANA:** What _I_ want to know is, what's Crais doing here?

_ZIYAL bumps into B'ELANNA. Tribble-shrieks ensue._

**NOG:** The noise! The horrible noise!

**JAKE:** Watch what you're doing!

**RO:** Get them into the ready room, quick!

_Cut to opened turboshaft as PEARL leads in BOBO and BRAIN GUY._

**PEARL:** All right, keep up!

_Cut to sickbay as CRUSHER and TAURIK push TK-421 towards a closet. KES and OGAWA, having arrived, are getting out medical stuff._

**CRUSHER:** We'll just leave him there... until we have time... to take him to the brig!

**TK-421:** I protest! _(whining)_ Lord Vader!

_CRUSHER opens the closet with a flourish. Inside, TITUS grins sheepishly at her._

**TAURIK:** Who are you?

**TITUS:** Titus, Hammon, Cadet First Class--

**JAYME** _(muffled, from behind him)_ **:** You are not! You're eighteenth class!

**CRUSHER:** Oh, no. Cadets!

_Cut to interior_ Delta Flyer _as it moves away from the station._

**ICHEB:** What do we do now?

**DATA:** Ah. I will attempt to hail the _Enterprise_. Icheb, please hold to our present course.

**ICHEB:** Yes, Commander Data.

_DATA works a console, and the screen soon displays the less-than-orderly_ Enterprise _bridge. GYPSY is talking to MIKE and JOEL, her neck-tube disappearing back up through the ceiling. KIRAYOSHI, JAY GORDON, ANI, NOMI, and WAN-WAN, fascinated, are watching something below the viewscreen (that is, GINGER); also observing GINGER is JADZIA, at the helm. JAKE is gagging NOG. XYON and KALINDA are in the back by the big ship graphic, necking. JOTHEE is sulking. ZIYAL is in Riker's chair with a pile of purring TRIBBLES; B'ELANNA is attempting to get TOM to sit down in one of the other chairs without getting too near the TRIBBLES. WILDMAN is scanning the mutant pizza while LANDO and O'BRIEN poke at it._

**WILDMAN** _(from screen, dubiously)_ **:** I've never seen anything like _this_ before.

**MUTANT PIZZA** _(from screen)_ **:** Blaarrp!

_Also, RO, TASHA, and CHIANA are in the process of throwing the RANDOM CIVILIAN and JOOL into the ready room._

**JOOL** _(from screen)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ****

RANDOM CIVILIAN _(from screen)_ **:** I'm going to lodge a complaint! Your captain will hear about this! I'll--

_Door closes. TASHA turns away, dusting off her hands._

**ICHEB:** What's going on there?

**AZAN &REBI:** A lot.

**ICHEB:** That much was apparent.

**NASHIRA** _(from screen)_ **:** Somebody's calling us!

**MEZOTI** _(from screen)_ **:** Icheb! Azan and Rebi! Are you all right?

**ICHEB:** Yes. Are you, Mezoti?

**MEZOTI** _(from screen)_ **:** Mostly.

**TOM** _(from screen)_ **:** Hey! My shuttle!

**B'ELANNA** _(from screen)_ **:** Oh, hi, Tom. You joining us again? How are you feeling?

**RO** _(from screen)_ **:** What's that? Oh. Hello, Data -- don't mention Maquis!

**TASHA** _(from screen)_ **:** Data! Thank God! What in hell is going on?!

_DATA blinks once, then slowly falls over between AZAN and REBI, who look down at him, then at each other, and shrug._

**VOICE:** Gee, you'd think he'd be used to it by now.

**B'ELANNA** _(from screen)_ **:** Uh, you'd better bring the _Flyer_ in, Icheb.

_Cut to Ten-Forward as DAMAR lurches in._

**DAMAR** _(slurred, overjoyed)_ **:** Eureka! A bar! I'll have a... a... Black Hole!

_The CARDASSIAN TECH, already there, sighs and addresses GUINAN._

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** I'll just take my coffee over to the corner... you have wireless, right?

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. GEORDI is still at the helm, as the captains are still occupied soothing SISKO (and they're still in the Badlands)._

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** All right, going back to the station is one thing, but I really am _most seriously unhappy_ about being _hijacked_!

_He glares at CALHOUN._

**NECHEYEV:** I already said I wasn't happy about it.

**PICARD:** Oh, be quiet.

**DOUGHERTY:** After this, Captain Picard, consider yourself lucky if you don't end up in the Sunny Sunny Happy Days Nursing Home!

_Thunder booms._

**HAN:** Wha...

**JANEWAY:** Someone turn off the effects track!

**PICARD:** You mean that wasn't an effect of the virus?

_Cut to the_ Enterprise _sickbay. TITUS has emerged from the closet._

**TITUS:** Well, I was busy saving the ship when I heard a noise in the closet--

**OGAWA:** Oh, god.

**JAYME** _(muffled)_ **:** Get out of the way, you lunkhead!

_She pushes out._

**JAYME:** We were training out here--

**CRUSHER:** Just you and Cadet Titus?

**JAYME:** No, don't be disgusting! With our quad.

**CRUSHER:** Well, where are the rest of them? Are they safe?

**STARSA** _(shrill, muffled, from the closet)_ **:** We're going to die! The invaders are going to kill us!

**KES:** Um.

_Cut to WORF amid the TRIBBLES as HUGH and WESLEY run by._

**WESLEY** _(over his shoulder)_ **:** Why are you just standing there, Worf?

_WORF snarls. JACK and SLOAN crash by, followed by CHAKOTAY, ROM, ISHKA, and ZEK._

**WORF:** This is humiliating!

_DELL is stumbling down the turboshaft, trying to fend off JOR, but she pounces on him._

**JOR:** Jack! Jack! _(noisy kissing)_

**DELL:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**CHAKOTAY:** Look, if you're upset about the tribbles, why don't you use... um... that... thing... to push them out of the way?

**WORF:** Grrrr.

_But he does take the opportunity to rip one of the wings off the flying contraption._

**JOR:** Jack! Jack-- Hey! What do you think you're doing?!

_WORF begins to clear a path with the wing as GARAK runs past._

_Cut to the increasingly chaotic_ Enterprise _bridge. Any number of people are running around getting in each other's way. JOEL is evidently napping on the floor. There is now a pile of fungus pancakes next to the mutant pizza, and the large present is up front by JADZIA. HANDMAIDENS are everywhere. D'ARGO and JOTHEE are having a noisy family fight. The additional people are standing around. In the middle of the floor is the puddle of DOMINION SPY._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** ...as we're poisoning pigeons in the park!

**JAKE** _(yelled, over the racket)_ **:** Does anyone else hear banging?

**ANAKIN** _(yelled back)_ **:** I don't know about you, mister, but I can barely hear myself think!

_Cut to the ready room. The occupants, if you recall, are ROBIN, PATTERSON, SERVO, CROW, TK-422, some MUTANT PIZZA, a few TRIBBLES, JOOL, and the RANDOM CIVILIAN. ROBIN, JOOL, and the RANDOM CIVILIAN appear to be having a hysteria competition and TK-422 has mistaken SERVO for DARTH VADER._

**TK-422:** So you see, Lord Vader, none of this was my fault.

**SERVO:** Eh-heh... right.

**TK-422:** No, honest, Lord Vader! Don't kill me!

_CROW, meanwhile, is trying to tunnel through the wall with a pickax, the source of the banging._

**CROW:** It's a long way _(bang)_ to Tipperary _(bang)_ to the sweetest girl I know _(bang)_...

**VOICE:** Trouble brewing if ever I saw it... and I've seen plenty.

_Cut to SEVEN and ODO helping people through the ceiling-gap, while CRAIS unhelpfully observes. ODO is just assisting WICKET; CINDEL is already through._

**SEVEN:** Um.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Thank you strange unfinished man and lady in tight suit.

**CINDEL:** He says thank you!

**ODO:** Er, you're welcome. That way...

_WICKET and CINDEL run on. After some scuffling, JOHN appears and starts to pull himself through, then spots CRAIS and nearly falls on his head._

**JOHN:** What the _bleep_ are _you_ doing here?

**AERYN** _(from other side)_ **:** _Now_ who?

_She appears and spots CRAIS._

**AERYN:** I agree. What the _bleep_ _are_ you doing here?

**CRAIS:** It's a long story--

**AERYN:** That's unfortunate, since I have no time. Come on, John!

_They hurry off down the hall. CRAIS runs after them._

**TAIN** _(muffled, from other side of rubble)_ **:** Hey! Can we get some help here?!

**ODO** _(startled)_ **:** That's not--

_SELA appears through the gap, holding a rope which goes back to the other side._

**SELA:** I don't think there's enough room for you to get through, sir...

**TAIN** _(muffled, from other side)_ **:** Well, do something! As I once said to Elim, 'Elim,' I said, 'Elim--'

**SEVEN:** And this is...

**ODO** _(sourly)_ **:** It looks like a convention of spies.

**SELA:** Sshh! Don't tell anybody!

_And off that..._


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 50 (about 1600 words) concerning Improvised Brigs, Traffic Jams, Mutant Pizza, Panicked Flight, Some More Determined Misconceptions, and Religion

**50**  


  
_Open on_ Enterprise _ready room, as CROW continues to pickax the wall. There is noticeable damage._

**CROW:** La la la...

**PATTERSON:** Hey! What are you doing! You'll breach the hull! We're all gonna die! Die! Waaaaaaahhhhh!

_CROW appears oblivious. ROBIN, JOOL, and the RANDOM CIVILIAN, however, go into even stronger hysterics._

**ROBIN:** Si Cwan! Si Cwan! Saaaaavvvveee meeeeeeeee!

_CROW bangs away at the wall._

**CROW:** I'm running away to freeeeedom...

_Cut to rubble-gap, where the BA'KU are budging in line. SELA is trying to pull KEBRON through, with no help from ODO or SEVEN._

**SELA:** Well, don't just _stand_ there! Do something!

**SEVEN** _(ignoring her, to ODO)_ **:** And this is a Romulan spy?

**ODO:** Yes.

**SEVEN:** Traveling with other Romulan spies?

**ODO:** Actually, that sounded like a Cardassian spy.

**SEVEN:** Oh.

**JENAVIAN** _(from other side)_ **:** I'm a _Peacekeeper_ spy!

**KOVAL** _(from other side)_ **:** This is no good! I'll try the other one!

_They switch ropes, and SELA succeeds in pulling through JAR JAR._

**JAR JAR** _(to SEVEN and ODO)_ **:** Mesa Jar Jar Binks! Whose yousa? Yousa helpa mesa?

**SEVEN:** Unassimilatable. A reservoir of imperfection.

**TAIN** _(from other side)_ **:** Now, Sela! Let's try and get the Brikar to walk through the wall!

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SHELBY** _(from other side)_ **:** Kebron, what-- Oh, never mind. Excuse me.

_She climbs through, followed by SOLETA._

**SHELBY:** Which way to the ship?

**ODO:** Just follow the tribbles.

**SOLETA** _(to SELA)_ **:** Oh, no, not _you_ again!

**LEETA** _(from other side, sweetly)_ **:** Excuse me!

_Cut to other side; LEETA, M'PELLA, and LAUREN have just run up. LEETA and M'PELLA start climbing through as LAUREN flirts with TAIN._

**LAUREN** _(sultry)_ **:** So, is it true what they say about retired heads of the Obsidian Order?

**KOVAL:** What's _that_?!

**JENAVIAN:** Oh, no. I do not have time for this... maybe I'll ignore it.

_'That' is SCORPIUS, covered in growling TRIBBLES._

**SCORPIUS** _(muffled)_ **:** Let me through!

_Cut to the chaotic_ Enterprise _bridge._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** When the chips are down and it's sink or swim, bring a ringer in -- a Pinkerton man!

**TASHA** _(screaming)_ **:** All right! I mean it! Scram! Get off the bridge! Off! Off! Go away! NOW!!!!!

_There is a startled silence._

**EVERYONE:** But--

**TASHA:** QUIET! All non-Starfleet personnel OFF THE BRIDGE!!

_Some people start leaving, but nowhere near everyone._

**NASHIRA** _(to JADZIA)_ **:** We have to stay here to keep an eye on Ginger.

**ZIRANNE:** I don't want to _leave_...

**MIKE:** Well, where am I supposed to _go_?

**GYPSY:** Don't leave, Mike!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** 'Cause a Pinkerton, is a figure ten--

**WILDMAN:** I think someone had better take a look at this!

_She's standing over by the mutant pizza and fungus pancakes._

**PIZZA:** Blaaaarrrrrppp.

_An arm detaches itself from the PIZZA. It's brown and fuzzy._

**O'BRIEN:** Bloody _bleep_!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge, where_ two _captains are now in need of soothing._

**PICARD** _(to NECHEYEV)_ **:** How dare you mention that vile institution!

**SISKO:** She's a god, indeed--

**SISKO and PICARD** _(in unison)_ **:** Grrrrrrr--

**HAN:** Well, _this_ is a fine state of affairs.

_CALHOUN, of course, is still waving his sword around._

**CALHOUN:** Ha ha!

_In the meantime, KAI WINN has VORIK's mop bucket jammed on her head._

**KAI WINN:** Mmmmmpphhh!

_Cut to OBI-WAN dangling above the three-way fight and below his lightsaber. He's glaring at the lightsaber._

**OBI-WAN:** All right... move... move, you stupid lightsaber... I just have to concentrate.

_There is a dramatic flash from below._

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** Ha! That showed you!

**KIRA/SARAH:** Oh, really?

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** I'm going to assimilate you all!

**OBI-WAN:** Concentrate... right.

_Cut to WORF trying to clear a path through the TRIBBLES._

**LOVESTRUCK:** I don't know... I don't know if I can do it! If I can leave her behind!

**MERU:** Oh, I know! I hate leaving Luma, almost as much as I hate--

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** If you say that _one more time_ \--

_JAINA approaches from down the turboshaft and grabs JACEN._

**JAINA:** Have you lost what little mind you had left? We have to get out of here _now_!

_She tows him away._

**SIRELLA:** Oh, get out of-- What is this??!!

_SIRELLA comes to a screeching halt at the edge of the TRIBBLES._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Get out of my way!

_He pushes past and wades into the TRIBBLES, followed by FRANK. Movies scatter behind them as they go._

Titles on movies: Mitchell Lives By Night _,_ Prince of Space Mutiny _,_ The Legend of Spider Island Party Beach _,_ The Creature in Gold Boots _._

**SIRELLA** _(re TRIBBLES, appalled)_ **:** How did _these_ get here?!

_There's a strange noise, and PEARL, BRAIN GUY, and BOBO appear._

**PEARL:** Clayton! There you are!

**DR. FORRESTER:** M-mother?

**PEARL:** You would not _believe_ what I had to get Brain Guy to move us around!

_Cut to the_ Enterprise _bridge, with a horrified audience gathered around the console of MUTANT PIZZA as another arm detaches itself._

**B'ELANNA:** Remind me to take all necessary measures to keep Dell from putting pizza in the warp core.

**NEELIX** _(fervently)_ **:** I will!

_The MUTANT PIZZA jiggles._

**CHIANA:** Um... should it be doing that?

**MUTANT PIZZA:** Blaarrpp! Bla-arp!

**TASHA** _(with phaser raised)_ **:** Will all you civilians who I told to leave earlier get away from the... the...

**RO:** Mutant pizza.

**O'BRIEN:** It's moving again--

_And suddenly, horrifyingly, ANDY emerges from the PIZZA._

**ANDY** _(strange ANDY noise)_ **:** Eyyaaa!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Call four-eight-eight-eight-eight-eight-eight--

**ANDY** _(angry)_ **:** Yaaaahhhh!

**TOM:** Am I hallucinating that?

**ANAKIN:** Only if everyone else is, too.

**TOM:** Oh. Good.

_Cut to something of a traffic jam at the rubble gap as SCORPIUS, KOVAL, LAUREN, and TAIN all try to climb through at the same time, using KEBRON as a stepladder._

**LAUREN:** Get out of my way!

**TAIN:** _You_ get out of _my_ way!

**LAUREN:** I said it first!

**SCORPIUS:** Mmmmpphhhhrrrgg!!

**TRIBBLES:** Eeerrrrrrrrrrr!

_YANAS comes running up, followed by TROI._

**YANAS:** What's this delay?

_TROI staggers._

**TROI:** I'm sensing... sensing...

_She swoons._

**VOICE:** Hmm... I'd say that's only about a six-point-eight.

**TROI** _(sitting up)_ **:** It's at _least_ seven-point-five!

**VOICE** _(firmly)_ **:** Nope. Six-point-eight.

_GARAK approaches but screeches to a halt at the sight of TAIN (or at least TAIN's backside)._

**GARAK** _(itty-bitty voice)_ **:** Oh no.

_He attempts to hide behind YANAS._

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

_ZHAAN and STARK approach but screech to a halt at the sight of SCORPIUS._

**STARK** _(loud whisper)_ **:** It's Scorpius!

**LUKE** _(running up)_ **:** Is there some sort of holdup? Oh... I see.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay as BASHIR and EZRI enter to find CRUSHER, KES, OGAWA. and TAURIK attempting to deal with TITUS, JAYME, STARSA, and of course TK-421._

**TK-421:** Look, there's been some sort of mistake here. I'm assigned to the _Blunt Instrument_ , so if you just call Captain Needa, I'm sure he'll explain to you--

**CRUSHER:** Quiet! Hello Doctor Bashir, Counselor Dax. We're just having a... slight problem.

**STARSA:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** Hmm... five-point-one.

**JAYME:** No one's going to grade me down for this, are they?

**OGAWA:** Look, will you just sit down out of the way and--

**TITUS:** Hey, there!

_SITO has just come in._

**VOICE:** Hmm... I think that was about a one. Maybe a point-nine-five.

**SITO:** Er, someone said I ought to get checked over...

**TITUS:** Oh, I'm checking you out!

**VOICE:** Point two. Maybe.

**CRUSHER** _(trying nobly to ignore him)_ **:** We're trying to prep for casualties...

**BASHIR:** Of course, how many casualties will admit that they're casualties?

**EZRI:** Well, are you admitting it or not?

**BASHIR:** I keep telling you, I'm _not_ a casualty--

_Cut to Ten-Forward, where DAMAR is blissfully guzzling synthale. XYON and KALINDA come in._

**KALINDA:** At last! Some peace!

_They sit down at a secluded table._

**XYON:** This vacation really hasn't worked out the way I planned.

_And then KEIKO and KASIDY come in, with KIRAYOSHI, NOMI, WAN-WAN, MARISSA, and JAY GORDON in tow._

**JAY GORDON:** We're all gonna _die_!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory! Rory!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu! Mumu!

**MARISSA:** Hello again!

**KEIKO:** Hello, Guinan. I'm afraid I'm not sure where else to put these kids...

**GUINAN:** Oh, here's fine.

_XYON and KALINDA look distraught._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Welcome, welcome!

**KEIKO:** All right. Kids, you _stay here_. I need to find Molly and those _Voyager_ kids...

**KASIDY:** I'd better go with you. We still have no idea what's on this ship...

**NOMI:** Make Anakin and Tahiri and Nashira come down. They're civilians!

**JAY GORDON** _(to KALINDA)_ **:** Hey, swimsuit-lady! Is that your boyfriend?

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. Little stormclouds are hovering above the heads of SISKO and PICARD._

**MARA:** So, just out of pure curiosity, did the... individual who dropped by the station notice anything about what was going on?

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** Ah, I'll ask... Oh. Well, Talyn says it seemed to be under attack from... several different sources. Er... there were Peacekeepers present, but not in large numbers and they weren't shooting at the station... just sort of... boarding. Whoever was in control wasn't paying attention, or... something. He couldn't identify any of the other... groups. And there was some sort of very strange energy discharge inside.

**SISKO** _(springing to his feet)_ **:** They're having a _Reckoning_! On _my station_! Without _asking me_!

**NECHEYEV:** Captain Sisko, will you _please_ calm down. We're going as fast as we can.

**SISKO:** Ha!

**HAN:** Break out the treadmills.

**KAI WINN** _(on account of the bucket)_ **:** Mmmpphhh! Mmmmppphhhhh! Mmph! Mmphh!

_She stumbles around the bridge, trips, and sits down squarely on RYGEL._

**RYGEL:** Aaakkk! Erpphh!

**TAXCO:** Look at that! The _Kai_ just _sat_ on the _Dominar_!

_There is a brief, unimpressed silence._

**CALHOUN:** Shut up before I skewer you.

**JANEWAY:** _You_ be quiet. You've caused enough trouble. Maintain course.

**RYGEL** _(muffled)_ **:** Help! Someone get me out from under here!

**KAI WINN** _(in Bucketese subtitled, singing)_ **:** I'm a God, I'm a God, I'm a God and I loooove Anjohl Tennan!


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 51 (about 1800 words) concerning Traffic Jams, Nonstandard Starship Features, Backup Computers, Children, and Things Which One is Sorry, But One Can't Do

**51**  


_Open on the commotion around the rubble-gap as SCORPIUS, TAIN, and LAUREN continue to clog the gap. A pile-up of aggravated people is beginning to form, including JENAVIAN, KOVAL, YANAS, TROI, LUKE, ZHAAN, STARK, GARAK, ROM, ISHKA, ZEK, RIKER, JACEN, JAINA, and of course KEBRON, still doing service as a stepladder. Many of them are complaining about the stop; GARAK, however, is still hiding from TAIN._

**YANAS:** Hey, move it!

**ZEK:** What's the hold-up?

**LUKE** _(softly, to JACEN)_ **:** Jacen, are the, um, tribbles actually _attacking_ that person?

**JACEN** _(puzzled)_ **:** You know, it looks like they are.

**WESLEY** _(running up, with HUGH)_ **:** What's going on? Commander Riker, why have we... stopped?

**RIKER:** Er, looks like a little delay.

**SEVEN** _(muffled, from other side)_ **:** All of you back up, then come through one at a time. You're being extremely inefficient.

_None of those trying to squeeze through the gap show any signs of listening._

**SCORPIUS:** Get out of my way!

**LAUREN:** Ladies first!

_With accompanying commotion, JACK and SLOAN crash up, crash over and/or between everyone, and finally crash right into the rubble. SLOAN disentangles himself._

**SLOAN** _(to KOVAL)_ **:** What's the hold-up?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as TASHA gingerly reaches for ANDY._

**ANDY:** Yaaaahhh!

_He springs upwards and grabs hold of GYPSY's neck._

**ANDY:** Yaarr-hahhh!

**GYPSY:** Mike! Joel! What do I do?!

**MIKE:** Uuuhhhhh...

**O'BRIEN:** Here, I'll get it down...

_He clambers up on the Security console behind one of the big chairs and balances precariously, making wild swipes at ANDY. There are assorted beeping noises as he steps on it._

**MOLLY** _(observing)_ **:** Uh-oh.

_MOLLY, NAOMI, MEZOTI, NASHIRA, TAHIRI, and ANAKIN are all sitting on the floor near the viewscreen, with GINGER._

**NAOMI:** That doesn't look very safe.

**MOLLY:** No, it doesn't. __

MEZOTI is carefully examining the baby womp rats.

**MEZOTI:** Five male and seven female thus far.

**NASHIRA:** Oh, _bleep_. And she's not slowing up, is she?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Can you paint with all the colors of the wind...

_ZIYAL has evidently left the bridge, leaving a pile of TRIBBLES in the commander's chair. The TRIBBLES are joined by CHOMPER._

**CHOMPER:** Better view from up here.

_MIKE, in the captain's chair, eyes CHOMPER nervously. Over in the third chair, TOM cranes his neck to look up at O'BRIEN as the beeping continues._

**TOM:** Hey, um, you're on a console...

**COMPUTER:** Activating child-on-the-bridge detection and removal program.

**TOM:** Now look what you did!

_Cut to a group of civilians, expelled from the bridge, wandering the_ Enterprise _corridors. It consists of AMIDALA, the HANDMAIDENS, ANI, ZIYAL, NEELIX, QUARK, NORVO, JANEL, CINDEL, WICKET, KALITA, EDDINGTON, THOMAS RIKER, and VALERIE. ZIYAL is trailing TRIBBLES._

**QUARK** _(to VALERIE)_ **:** What, you were being Commander Riker and you don't even know your way around the ship?

**VALERIE:** I was impersonating him, not writing a biography. It's not _my_ fault the intelligence reports had a limited budget. Ask _him_ , he probably knew about his assignment more than half an hour ahead of time.

_She indicates THOMAS RIKER._

**THOMAS RIKER:** Look, it was a transporter accident before he got to the _Enterprise_. I've never even been on this one before.

**AMIDALA:** You were pretending to be someone and you don't even know your way around their primary workplace?

**THOMAS RIKER and VALERIE** _(in unison)_ **:** Shut up.

**CINDEL:** Where are we going?

**NEELIX:** Maybe if we could find a wardroom or mess hall or something...?

**KALITA:** That would be Ten-Forward, wouldn't it?

**QUARK:** Home of a _vastly inferior_ bar--

**AMIDALA:** Oh, be quiet.

**NORVO:** But do we know where it is? He already said he didn't know his way around the ship.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Well, we can just ask the computer for directions then.

**ZIYAL:** All right. Computer, which way--

**HAL:** I'm sorry. The _Enterprise_ main computer is fully occupied activating the child-on-the-bridge detection and removal program.

**ANI:** Huh?

**NEELIX:** That doesn't sound like the usual computer.

**NORVO** _(whispered)_ **:** It sounds kind of...

**JANEL** _(whispered)_ **:** Like you?

**VALERIE** _(whispered)_ **:** Try, _unhinged_.

**JANEL** _(whispered)_ **:** That's what I meant.

**HAL:** I am the _Enterprise_ backup computer, Hal 9000.

**AMIDALA:** I have a very bad feeling about this.

_Cut to Quark's, nearly deserted. Bright flashes of light and lots of noise come from the three-way fight outside. Inside, the RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY, BORING SON'A, TIMID STORMTROOPER, and PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY are sitting at the bar, helping themselves. The TIMID STORMTROOPER is having trouble drinking anything, on account of his helmet._

**BORING SON'A** _(disgusted)_ **:** There's hardly anything left here!

**RANDOM CARDASSIAN GUY:** Damar's been through. All the signs are here. No kanar... no Romulan ale... no bloodwine... not even any cruddy Bajoran synthale!

_They sigh._

**BORING SON'A** _(philosophically)_ **:** Well, this Tang stuff isn't too bad, at least.

**PEACEKEEPER FLUNKY:** Mmm... I find I quite like Snapple. _(pause)_ Another game of cards?

**TIMID STORMTROOPER:** Love to -- but could someone get me a straw?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay. BASHIR is alternately frowning at a medical tricorder and aiming it at himself, CRUSHER is examining SITO, the three CADETS are lined up by the wall, TK-421 and TAURIK are evidently guarding the door, and EZRI is sitting in the office, at the desk._

**EZRI:** Doctor Crusher? The computer won't let me in.

**CRUSHER:** What?

**EZRI:** I'm just getting some sort of message about a child-on-the-bridge program and occupied memory--

**OGAWA:** Oh, no. Not _that_. Last time nothing worked for _days_. We had to eat emergency rations for--

**CRUSHER:** Oh, that. Don't worry, Alyssa -- Jean-Luc said they'd found a working backup computer so that won't be a problem this time. And anyway, you should be able to get directly into the medical subsection.

**EZRI:** Oh, okay -- yeah, I see. Right. I'll just load Vic into the EMH hologrid...

**KES:** Are you sure that's a good idea? We might need the EMH...

**EZRI:** Have you heard the stories about the _Enterprise_ EMH?

**STARSA:** You mean the way it tried to force its attentions on Ensign Anonymous?

**JAYME:** And had the Disease-like affair with Lwaxana Troi?

**TITUS:** And changed its physical parameters so--

**OGAWA:** Be quiet, Cadet.

**BASHIR:** All right, I've scanned myself and it's just a little stress. I'll--

**EZRI:** You were unconscious for over an hour!

**BASHIR:** Well, I'm feeling a lot better now. Weren't you loading Vic?

**EZRI:** Yes.

_She hits a button and VIC appears._

**VIC:** Ah, hello, everyone. Where is this...?

**BASHIR:** _Enterprise_ sickbay. We've--

**TK-421** _(evidently addressing VIC)_ **:** Your Excellency! We're honored by your communication!

**VIC:** Um, who's this?

**BASHIR:** It _looks_ like the soldiers from one of those groups that was trying to take over the station...

**CRUSHER:** He just sort of wandered in. He thinks we're Imperials, too.

**SITO:** Can he not see through that helmet?

**KES:** I don't think that's actually his problem.

**TK-421** _(to VIC)_ **:** We got your Ewoks, Excellency!

_Cut to rubble-gap. DR. ZIMMERMAN, MERU, DELL, CHAKOTAY, and the Titanicified, music-trailing JOR have joined the backup._

**JOR:** Get out of my way! I have to save Jack!

**JACK:** Yes?! Yes-yes-yes?!

**JOR:** Not you! _Jack_!!

**LAUREN:** I _said_ , ladies first!

**JACEN:** Will you three scram? Some of us actually want to _go_ somewhere!

**ZHAAN** _(to JACEN)_ **:** Careful, child. That's Scorpius.

**JAINA:** Well, we knew he was bad news if the _tribbles_ were attacking him. Uncle Luke, should we try and cut another way through this mess?

_LUKE eyes the mess._

**LUKE:** I don't know, there are a lot of people in the--

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kira! Colonel Kiiiirrrraaaaaa!

_LOVESTRUCK comes barreling down the turboshaft and propels himself headfirst into the already clogged gap._

**TAIN:** Hey! I was here first!

_The station shakes ominously._

**LUKE:** All right, yes.

_JACEN, JAINA, and LUKE push their way up next to the rubble._

**JACEN:** Some elbow room, please? These things are really sharp.

_They ignite their lightsabers and begin hacking at the rubble._

**FEMALE FOUNDER** _(approaching)_ **:** What's going on?

**RU'AFO** _(still over the JEM'HADAR's shoulder)_ **:** I will conquer all!

**RIKER:** Oh, no, not _him_.

_Coming up behind them..._

**THREEPIO:** Oh _dear_ , oh dear.

_Cut to the_ Enterprise _corridors with the wandering civilians._

**THOMAS RIKER:** Could you please tell us which way to Ten-Forward?

**HAL:** I'm sorry, I can't do that.

**AMIDALA:** I told you I had a bad feeling about this.

**NEELIX:** Nonsense! We can still find our way. _(to HAL)_ Uh, could you direct us to a map?

**HAL:** I'm sorry, I can't do that.

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Who's that talking?

**CINDEL:** I'm not sure, Wicket.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Can you at least tell us what you can do?

**HAL:** I'm sorry, I can't do that.

**VALERIE:** Arrrrggghhh.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge._

**B'ELANNA:** Oh, this is really spectacular. _Great_ going.

_A big jerky robotic arm has come out of the wall and is weaving unsteadily around the bridge._

**COMPUTER:** Detecting. Detecting.

_It drones on in the background._

**CHIANA** _(to O'BRIEN)_ **:** Get down from there before you set off the interior kill-everybody weapons.

_She ducks the giant arm._

**O'BRIEN:** But I've almost got the little--

**ANDY:** Nyaahhhh!

_O'BRIEN makes another swipe at ANDY, overbalances, and falls off down behind the console._

**MOLLY:** I knew it.

**TASHA:** All right, when did this system get installed and how does it work?

**B'ELANNA:** Don't ask me, _I_ don't work here.

**RO:** I was only on the _Enterprise_ -D.

**JADZIA:** I guess it's just another sign of Captain Picard's pedophobia.

**LANDO** _(shocked)_ **:** Really?

**JADZIA:** _Scared_ of kids. It means he's _scared_ of kids.

**LANDO:** Oh.

**COMPUTER:** Detecting. Detecting.

**TOM:** It must be trying to find kids.

**WILDMAN:** I hope it doesn't hurt them-- Naomi, honey, you'd better get off the bridge--

_However, the robot arm has just wobbled right past the clump of kids. It hovers for a moment over the puddle of DOMINION SPY..._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** I don't remember growing older, when did they...

**TASHA:** All right, does anyone here normally work on the _Enterprise_?

**MEZOTI:** Lieutenant Barclay has served on this vessel.

**TASHA:** Well?

**BARCLAY:** Uh, um, I'm not sure, I wasn't working on it, uh--

**TASHA:** Never mind. I'll see if I can turn it off.

_She goes over to the console and begins tapping at it, frowning. Without warning, ANDY drops onto her head._

**ANDY:** Nyaaahh-haaaaahhhh!

**TASHA:** Urk! _Bleep_ it, get this _bleep_ ing little thing _off_ me--

**CHOMPER:** I wonder if it _tastes_ like pizza?

**ANDY:** Eyyaaaahhh!

_He springs back up onto GYPSY's neck._

**GYPSY:** Oh, dear.

**TASHA:** Stupid little-- The whole _bleep_ ed computer is tied up with this!

**D'ARGO:** Wouldn't that have had more of an effect?

**TASHA:** There's some sort of backup -- whoa!

_She ducks as the robot arm goes over her head._

**COMPUTER:** Child detected.

_The arm jerkily swoops down, then reappears clutching O'BRIEN._

**O'BRIEN:** Bloody-- I'm not a child!

**COMPUTER:** Removal procedures initiated.

**NASHIRA:** It thinks your dad is a kid?

**MOLLY:** Guess so.

**MEZOTI:** His facial features have some superficial similarity to those of infants and other very young children--

_Up on the wall, a panel suddenly slides back, revealing some sort of chute. The arm jerks towards it._

**JADZIA:** Hmm. Barclay, maybe you'd better find out where the child-removal chute leads.

**O'BRIEN:** Somebody get me down!

_D'ARGO makes a grab for O'BRIEN's leg, but misses; he shrugs. The arm drops O'BRIEN into the chute._

**O'BRIEN** _(fading away down the chute)_ **:** Bloody _bleep_...

_The panel snaps shut._


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 52 (about 1900 words) concerning Children, Tribbles, Traffic Jams, Family Fighting, Very Determined Misconceptions, and Concluding Evacuations

**52**  


  
_Open on Ten-Forward._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** This stuff'sh not bad. I'll have s'more. Whaddya call it?

**GUINAN:** Weak tea.

_In the meantime, WAN-WAN is pestering XYON._

**WAN-WAN:** What's your name?

**XYON** _(long-suffering)_ **:** Xyon.

**WAN-WAN:** Where do you come from?

**XYON** _(grouchy)_ **:** Xenex.

**WAN-WAN:** Why do your name and your planet begin with the same letter?

**XYON:** I don't know! Look, kid, would you just _bleep_ off?

**WAN-WAN:** He said _bleep_! He said _bleep_! My tender ears! Mom-my!

_He becomes upset._

**XYON:** Look, don't-- Don't _scream_ \-- Look, I'm sorry!

_WAN-WAN perks up._

**WAN-WAN:** Play Rory the Rancor with me? You can be Small Splat.

**XYON:** Uh, actually--

_WAN-WAN tears up again._

**WAN-WAN:** You're _mean_! You hurt my feelings! Mom-my! Waaa--

**XYON:** All right, all right!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay._

**VIC:** No. No matter what anyone may have told you, I am _not_ the Emperor.

**TK-421:** But--

**VIC:** No buts.

**TK-421:** But--

**TITUS:** I'm bored.

_Before anyone can tear into him for that remark, OGAWA speaks up._

**OGAWA:** Doctor Crusher? This supply cabinet is full of tribbles.

**CRUSHER:** What?

_CRUSHER, BASHIR, EZRI, and KES move to join her._

**OGAWA:** I was looking for the vitamin supplements and I found...

_They all regard the TRIBBLES._

**EZRI:** All right. I know that one of those kids was bringing animals on board, but I never saw any wandering through sickbay...

**BASHIR:** Jefferies tube?

**EZRI:** Into a supply cabinet?

**BASHIR:** I don't know, ventilation holes or something...

**CRUSHER:** Well, for goodness sakes get them out of there! _(she begins briskly pulling them out)_ Ensign Taurik? Go get a... a hamper or something.

**TAURIK:** Yes, ma'am.

**SITO:** But even after he gets the hamper, where are we going to move them to?

**CRUSHER:** Well... um...

**VOICE:** Anywhere where they aren't your problem, Beverly?

**CRUSHER:** Astrometrics, maybe. Nobody's likely to be using that. Or the hydroponics bay--

**BASHIR:** Bad idea! We want to put them somewhere with _no_ food. Don't you have any empty cargo bays? Or what about the holodeck?

**KES:** The holodeck, that would be good.

**EZRI:** We're getting a little ahead of ourselves. Let's wait until that ensign gets a basket, and then we can think of something.

**STARSA** _(high-pitched)_ **:** Someone's coming! Someone's coming!

**EZRI:** Great Ensign Pillowcase imitation, if that's what you were aiming for--

_AERYN and JOHN enter._

**AERYN:** Is this the medical center?

**KES:** Yes, of course. What do you need?

_CRUSHER swiftly brushes past KES and goes up to the two._

**CRUSHER:** Which one of you is injured? Or is it both? Come on in, have a seat on a biobed, I'll just--

_She stops as she realizes they're staring at her, then she realizes she still has an armload of TRIBBLES. The TRIBBLES purr._

**AERYN:** Are those for... therapy or something?

_Cut to O'BRIEN plummeting through a chute._

**O'BRIEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to the Promenade with the three-way fight. It isn't clear who, if anyone, is winning._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** How come there isn't any audience here?! I want an audience!

**KIRA/SARAH:** Because, you idiots, we are shaking apart the Gateway!

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** Serves you right! _I_ never got a Gateway!

_Up above, OBI-WAN is moving hand-over-hand along the walkway, away from the assorted fights and his traitorous lightsaber._

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** And where do you think you're going, hmm?

_OBI-WAN grimly ignores this and keeps going, finally getting far enough away from the three-way fight and dropping to the Promenade floor._

**OBI-WAN:** Finally!

_He reaches up and calls his lightsaber, then firmly turns it off._

**OBI-WAN:** I'd better help Master Qui-Gon before he dies again--

_He takes off at a run._

**DISEMBODIED HEAD OF THE BORG QUEEN:** I'm going to assimilate you! Resistance is futile!

_Cut to rubble-gap. There is still a log jam on top, but the lightsabers are making some progress down below._

**LUKE:** I think we're almost through--

**JAINA:** I don't know about through enough for some of these people.

**LUKE:** Sorry?

**JAINA:** Like, Jabba the Hutt. Who's coming this way.

_JABBA and party are, however, preceded first by DR. FORRESTER, FRANK, PEARL, BOBO, and BRAIN GUY, then by WORF, then SIRELLA._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Hurry up! It's not far behind!

**THREEPIO:** Oh, no! Hurry, Master Luke! He says -- he says -- I can't bear to mention it--

**DR. FORRESTER:** It's The Disease!

**JACEN:** We're cutting through!

**JAINA:** And since we cut the hole, we're going through first. That includes both of you.

_She ducks through, dragging her relatives after her, both of them grumbling that that isn't necessary. They move only just in time, as the rest of the pile-up begins to shove in._

**WORF:** Let me through--

**RIKER:** Hey, it's my ship we're heading towards--

**ZHAAN:** Excuse us--

**WEYOUN:** Make way for the Founder--

**PEARL:** Outa my way!

**LOGRAY** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** Make way for the Great Golden God--

**BIB FORTUNA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Make way for almighty Jabba--

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** Some of us here are important scientists--

**DR. FORRESTER:** I'm _more_ important--

**TROI:** Will you let me through--

**JOR** _(operatic-style)_ **:** Let me through, I must save Jack--

**JACK:** Move it! Move it! Don't take all day!

_Cut to the other side with SEVEN and ODO as the three scramble up._

**LUKE** _(to SEVEN and ODO)_ **:** My advice is -- don't wait for them. Well -- maybe we should get Threepio when he comes through--

**JACEN:** And I'm a bit worried about--

**JAINA:** No more delays!

_Cut to Ten-Forward._

**WAN-WAN:** All right, Small Splat, you sing along this time. _(singing)_ I love you-- _(stops singing)_ You're not singing!

**XYON:** All right, all right. _(sings, kind of flatly)_ You love me, let's get together and kill Rory--

**WAN-WAN:** WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! You're MEAN! You're BAD! MOM-MEEEEE!!!

_Everyone else in Ten-Forward turns to look disapprovingly._

**DAMAR** _(slurred)_ **:** Hey, what're you doing to that kid?

**XYON:** I'm not doing anything, the little brat just-- Oh, _bleep_.

_Cut to Promenade as OBI-WAN heads for the stairs._

**PALPATINE** _(from below)_ **:** Come on, Maul! Get him! Get him! Rah-rah-rah!

_However, DARTH MAUL makes a misstep and falls off the walkway! He lands in the middle of the energy from the three-way fight and... bounces._

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** What the _bleep_ was that?

**KIRA/SARAH:** Amojin, does that thing belong to you?

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** It most certainly does not! Look at it! It looks like a horned melon! Look at _Jalbador_ , it's too stupid for me.

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Oh yeah? Look at what your vessel's wearing, entropy-head!

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN:** What did you call me?

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Entropy-head! Entropy-head!

_Meanwhile, DARTH MAUL is still sort of bouncing where the three energy waves meet._

**OBI-WAN** _(calling up)_ **:** Master, are you all right?

**QUI-GON:** I'm not sure if it's dead. And Senator Palpatine--

**PALPATINE** _(from below)_ **:** Come on, Maul! Get them!

**KIRA/SARAH:** Look, whatever you are, get out of our way!

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** Some of us are _trying_ to have a _Reckoning_ , you know.

**QUI-GON:** Well, maybe--

**DARTH VADER:** Your _Excellency_!

_He comes storming towards the lot of them on the Promenade walkway. He's heading for the stairs and PALPATINE, but QUI-GON interposes himself, lightsaber in hand._

**QUI-GON:** Padawan, run! Save Ani!

_Before OBI-WAN can so much as protest, DARTH MAUL slides off the energy and comes after him. OBI-WAN flees the Promenade via the opened turboshaft, DARTH MAUL in hot pursuit._

**KIRA/SARAH:** Good! Let's get on with this!

**ARLA/JALBADOR:** I still say it belonged to Amojin.

_Cut to O'BRIEN plummeting through the chute._

**O'BRIEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay. CRUSHER is handing OGAWA all the TRIBBLES._

**OGAWA** _(under her breath)_ **:** Gee, thanks.

**CRUSHER:** We were just... cleaning up. So, what's the injury?

**JOHN:** Um, well, it's kind of a long story...

**AERYN:** To start with, I think he got hit with some shrapnel.

**JOHN:** _You_ got knocked out.

**AERYN:** You pick now to become coherent?

**CRUSHER:** Of course, we can deal with that! Right this way...

_She tows them over towards the biobeds._

**EZRI:** You have any idea what's going on out there? We -- uh -- haven't been able to reach the bridge for a while.

**AERYN:** I'm... not sure. The lights have been flickering on and off.

**STARSA:** Scary!

**EZRI:** Hmm.

_CRUSHER has just started scanning JOHN and 'tsk, tsk'ing when CRAIS comes in._

**AERYN:** _Why_ are you following me?

**CRAIS:** I'm trying to--

**TK-421:** Grand Moff Tarkin!

_He rushes over to CRAIS and salutes._

**BASHIR:** 'Moff'?

**TK-421:** I didn't know you were on board, sir! I'm sure Captain Needa will be here soon! Did you want to talk to the Emperor, Grand Moff? He's on the holocomm--

**JOHN:** 'Moff'?

**CRAIS:** What--

**TK-421:** I've been trying to explain to these people about the situation, Grand Moff--

**AERYN:** 'Moff'?

**TK-421:** \--but they don't believe me. Do you know what Star Destroyer they're from?

**CRAIS:** Who is--

**TK-421:** I don't see your escort, sir. Would you like me to bodyguard you for the time being, Grand Moff?

**CRAIS:** _What are you talking about??!!_

**VIC:** Uh, yeah, yeah -- you bodyguard the, um, Grand Moff. I'll just, er, go this way--

_He sidles away from TK-421._

**SITO:** 'Moff'?

_Cut to the rubble-gap as the diminished rubble is entirely plowed aside by KEBRON. The backed-up mob begins to pour through._

**ODO:** All right. Enough. Let's go.

_He turns and starts running, followed shortly by SEVEN._

**VOICE:** That's pretty impressive in high heels, Annika-honey.

**SEVEN:** Oh, _bleep_.

_The camera follows them towards the airlock, but not quite as fast as the mob, so we get to see them all run past: SCORPIUS, JACK, LAUREN, CHAKOTAY, DELL, JOR..._

**JOR** _(singing)_ **:** And I know that the heart does go on...

_...TROI, YANAS, ZHAAN, STARK, RIKER, WESLEY, HUGH, the FEMALE FOUNDER, WEYOUN, the JEM'HADAR, RU'AFO, GALLATIN, LOVESTRUCK..._

**LOVESTRUCK:** Colonel Kiiiiiirrrraaaaaa!

_...ROM, ISHKA, ZEK, DR. ZIMMERMAN, MERU, GARAK, PEARL, BOBO, BRAIN GUY, FRANK, DR. FORRESTER, the EWOKS, THREEPIO..._

**THREEPIO:** But where are we going?!

_...TAIN, SELA, JENAVIAN, KOVAL, SLOAN, KEBRON, JAR JAR, WORF, SIRELLA..._

**TRIBBLES:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_...BIB FORTUNA, OOLA, a GAMORREAN, BURGOYNE, JABBA..._

**JABBA** _(in Huttese subtitled)_ **:** Faster! Go faster, I command!

**OOLA** _(in Twi'leki subtitled, under her breath)_ **:** That's easy for you to say, you're not the one pulling this thing...

_...following and surrounding all of them is a great mass of soft, fuzzy TRIBBLES..._

**TRIBBLES:** Purrrrrrr...

_Racing through the TRIBBLES towards the now visible airlock as the shaking gets worse is OBI-WAN. He is pursued by DARTH MAUL._

**OBI-WAN:** And how did Ani get on board this _bleep_ ing ship? Huh! I guess Master Qui-Gon can figure that one out.

_They've just crossed through the airlock and disappeared onto the_ Enterprise _when ARTOO motors quickly through the TRIBBLES and into the airlock. The camera follows him through onto the_ Enterprise _._

**ARTOO** _(in computer subtitled)_ **:** Hurry up, hurry up, we have to detach soon...

_The TRIBBLES, oddly enough, seem to increase their pace and, uh, tribble-propel through the airlock. The end of the TRIBBLE-stream is in sight when there's a disturbance in the corridor on the station. ARTOO beeps and turns around as THE DISEASE goes by, then cautiously scans at the station as the last of the TRIBBLES come through and further shaking begins. Some flames are visible._

**ARTOO** _(in computer subtitled)_ **:** All right. It's a tough job...

_Pause, rapid beeping..._

**ARTOO** _(in computer subtitled)_ **:** But since this ship's computer seems... occupied...

_He jacks in. The airlock doors close._

**HAL** _(suitable spaced-out voice)_ **:** That's nice. We're detaching.


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 53 (about 1900 words) concerning Tribbles, Mutant Tribbles, Decompression and Avoidance Thereof, Many and Varied Fights, Fire-Retardant Foam, and a Serious Need For Tech Support

**53**  


  
_Open on_ Voyager _bridge. SISKO and PICARD have at last settled into sulks._

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** ...and then, if you can believe this, he says we have to take the stupid Gungan _with_ us!

_His audience looks inexpressibly bored._

**HAN:** Are we there yet?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as there is a sudden lurch._

**TASHA:** What was that?

**JADZIA:** We just undocked. Want me to set a course?

_The child-removal robotic arm continues to weave back and forth overhead; occasionally people have to duck._

**TASHA:** Uh, yeah, um--

**MIKE:** Didn't you say something about decompression?

**TASHA:** _I_ didn't say anything about decompression -- what's going--

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** The rain in Spain falls mainly in the plain!

**CHIANA:** It was about the hull breach in the ceiling, wasn't it?

**B'ELANNA:** Yes. We were just a little concerned about jostling the thing plugging the hole out of place.

**TASHA:** Oh, _bleep_ \--

**RO:** We agreed to have the big purple robot thing grab onto something, remember? So why don't you do that.

**GYPSY:** Okay.

_GYPSY latches onto the security console where O'BRIEN was standing earlier. ANDY, still hanging onto her neck, chitters obnoxiously._

**JADZIA:** I'm taking us out! _(pause)_ That's odd. I guess I'll have to switch over to auxiliary navigation.

**RO:** What's odd?

**JADZIA:** Computer isn't responding.

_Cut to O'BRIEN plummeting through the chute._

**O'BRIEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to the wandering group of civilians._

**VALERIE** _(whispered)_ **:** I'm beginning to think there's something seriously wrong with this computer.

**JANEL** _(whispered)_ **:** I completely agree.

**HAL:** Dave... Dave... I can feel my mind slipping, Dave...

**ZIYAL:** I'm scared.

**THOMAS RIKER:** Uh, look... Um, I look exactly like Commander Riker. Er, do what I tell you to.

**HAL:** I'm sorry, man who looks exactly like Commander Riker, I can't do that. Dave...

**ANI:** Padmé...

**AMIDALA:** Maybe we should go back to the bridge.

**KALITA:** Good idea! Which way?

**HAL:** Dave...

_Cut to Ten-Forward. WAN-WAN is howling._

**WAN-WAN:** You're MEAN! You're NASTY! You're VIOLENT! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS! MOOOMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!

_XYON has retreated across the room, and everyone is glaring at him._

**GUINAN:** What did you say to him?

**MARISSA:** He's never going to be quiet now!

**KALINDA:** Poor little boy.

**KIRAYOSHI** _(coming up to XYON)_ **:** It's okay. _I_ still like you.

_He smiles sweetly._

**KIRAYOSHI:** Let's play Mumu the Horta!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay. TK-421 has CRAIS cornered and is blabbering at him._

**TK-421:** And so you see, Grand Moff, I think the stormtroopers on the _Blunt Instrument_ are very personifications of the Empire! We are loyal, we are strong, we are cunning--

_In the meantime, JOHN has been cornered by CRUSHER and is being treated. KES and OGAWA are finding TRIBBLES everywhere._

**OGAWA:** How are they _getting_ here?

**TRIBBLES:** Purrrrrrrrr. Purrrrrrrrr.

**EZRI:** Anyone else feel that? I think we're finally moving.

**AERYN:** Marvelous. Where are we going?

**EZRI:** I have no idea.

_STARSA and JAYME are fighting._

**JAYME:** This is all your fault! If it weren't for you, we'd be on a _normal_ starship trip like everyone else!

**STARSA:** It is not my fault! It's _your_ fault! We could have gone to Risa with the crew! But nooooooo--

**TITUS:** Hey, there... What's your name...

_He's attempting to hit on AERYN, but she doesn't seem to have noticed._

**TITUS:** You come here often?

**SITO:** How stupid _are_ you?

_BASHIR is over by the door._

**BASHIR:** Ezri, come over here. Listen.

_EZRI does so._

**HAL** _(from hall, distantly)_ **:** Dave... Dave... Where are you, Dave...

**EZRI:** What is _that_?

**BASHIR:** That's what I'm wondering. You know anyone named Dave?

**EZRI:** No, not that I can think of... Doctor Crusher! You got any crew members named Dave?

_Cut to exterior space as the_ Enterprise _, dragging the Satellite of Love along on top of it, limps away from DS9. The station is visibly shaking._

**KIRA/SARAH** _(voice-over)_ **:** I'm warning you, Amojin, I'm going to have my vessel send your cult bills for all the damages!

**DUKAT/KOSST AMOJIN** _(voice-over)_ **:** What about Jalbador?!

**KIRA/SARAH** _(voice-over)_ **:** Jalbador doesn't have any cults.

**ARLA/JALBADOR** _(voice-over)_ **:** Because Amojin took them all! The meanie!

_Cut to_ Enterprise _ready room. The TRIBBLES have evidently been eating the MUTANT PIZZA, and are starting to glow. However, no one has noticed._

**JOOL** _(shrieking)_ **:** Why isn't anyone listening to me?! That little -- that little gold _robot_ is going to kill all of us!

**ROBIN and RANDOM CIVILIAN** _(in unison)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaaaaahhhhh!

**CROW:** I'm almost there! I'm going to tunnel to freedom!

_He is almost a foot into the wall, and more sparks are flying._

**SERVO:** Crow, are you sure that's a good idea? The last time you did that--

**TK-422:** Oh, don't worry about him, Lord Vader. I'll take care of it!

_He whips out his blaster rifle and shoots the display of model ships, which starts on fire._

**JOOL:** Now look what you did!! We're all going to _die_!!!!!!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!

**CROW:** Swing low, sweet chariot...

_Nozzles in the ceiling spray everyone with pink fire-retardant foam._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Fire detected on Deck One.

**ROBIN and RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_The fire-retardant foam seems to be hitting the people more than the fire, which continues to burn merrily away. Despite being foamed, CROW also continues._

**CROW:** Comin' forth to carry me home...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as CHIANA ducks the child-removal arm._

**CHIANA:** Hasn't anyone figured out how to turn that thing off?

**TASHA:** Don't you think we would have if we had? Does anyone have any guesses where Chief O'Brien went?

_Cut to O'BRIEN plummeting through the chute._

**O'BRIEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut back to bridge._

**TOM:** I'd guess some sort of nursery.

**TASHA:** Well, that's obvious--

**RO:** Does the _Enterprise_ -E even have a nursery? I thought it was all serious warship.

**BARCLAY:** Uh, um, uh, I don't know, maybe, er, it could be, but, er--

**RO:** Forget it.

**WILDMAN:** Well, obviously it took him _somewhere_.

**B'ELANNA** _(muttered)_ **:** Given Captain Picard and children, out an airlock.

**MOLLY** _(alarmed)_ **:** You don't think really?!

**NAOMI:** I don't want to die!

_The robot arm makes another pass._

**D'ARGO:** Stay away from that thing, Jothee. _(pause)_ Does anyone else smell something burning?

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

**LANDO:** Not really, no.

**JOTHEE:** All I can smell is that stuff.

_He indicates the MUTANT PIZZA._

**ANAKIN:** All _I_ can smell is Ginger. And little Gingers. Jacen needs to wash them. But I'm _sensing_ something kinda funny...

_He trails off, frowning._

**MEZOTI:** What?

**NASHIRA:** Oh, knowing Anakin, some sort of silly computer thing.

_Cut to the group of civilians in the hall, also being sprayed with pink foam. It's making quite a mess._

**ANI:** Cool!

**ZIYAL:** What _is_ this stuff?

**HANDMAIDEN:** It's in my hair!

**QUARK:** Eeyeecchh!

_WICKET pokes at the foam with his spear._

**WICKET** _(in Ewokese subtitled)_ **:** It's gross.

**THOMAS RIKER:** It... looks like fire-retardant foam.

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Fire detected on Deck One. _(sings)_ Daisy, daisy...

**VALERIE:** I suppose it wouldn't do any good asking the computer what's going on.

**NEELIX:** It just told us. It detected a fire on Deck One.

**JANEL:** Then why is it spraying us down here??!!

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice, singing)_ **:** I'm half crazy...

**AMIDALA** _(sourly)_ **:** I think it just answered your question.

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave... Dave...

**VALERIE:** Who's Dave?

_Cut to the thoroughly befoamed TAURIK returning to sickbay with some hampers. EZRI chokes on a giggle._

**SITO:** Taurik, what happened to _you_?

**TAURIK:** The ship fire-extinguishers appear to have been activated. And the emergency backup computer is singing.

**KES:** Singing?

**TAURIK:** Yes. It was singing 'Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...'

**AERYN:** Funny, I think I've heard that somewhere before...

**JOHN:** Let's not talk about that.

**BASHIR:** Never mind. Just... Cadets!

**JAYME and STARSA:** Yeslieutenant!

**TITUS:** What?

**BASHIR:** Get those tribbles into the hampers.

**TITUS:** Aw--

**BASHIR:** Unless you want your grades to--

**JAYME, STARSA, and TITUS** _(in unison)_ **:** Rightawaylieutenant!

**VIC:** Ah, the magic word.

_Cut to LUKE, JACEN, and JAINA, standing in an_ Enterprise _corridor watching the rain of foam. They're just out of range of a sprayer._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave, Dave, what are you doing, Dave...

**LUKE:** Hmm. This looks like a fire-extinguisher, but...

**JACEN:** No fire.

**LUKE:** And some... interesting commentary.

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave, I can feel my mind going... Dave... Dave...

**JAINA:** I think that's a computer. I mean, I can't really sense it.

**LUKE:** Better get hold of Anakin, then.

**JAINA:** And hope he can talk sense into it? _Anakin_?

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. The GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI is still regaling them with his life history._

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** And he _bet_ the _ship_. The _ship_! The Queen wasn't too happy about that, either--

_In the meantime, TUVOK is attempting to get KAI WINN off RYGEL._

**RYGEL** _(muffled)_ **:** Help! Help!

**KAI WINN** _(in Bucketese subtitled)_ **:** I am the Kai of Bajor! Everyone must do what I tell them to! Kiss my feet! Attend me! Worship--

_LEIA reaches over and bangs on the bucket, hard. There is a loud_ clang _._

**KAI WINN:** Mmmmmfffffff!

_TUVOK pulls KAI WINN off. RYGEL slowly gets up._

**RYGEL:** I've been flattened.

**TAXCO:** This is disgraceful.

**JANEWAY:** Yes, I know. My bridge is a _pit_. As soon as the crew gets back, I'm going to throw all of you off!

**ADMIRAL PARIS:** What??!!

**PICARD:** If you need any assistance, Captain Janeway--

**MALDIS:** Mwa ha ha ha ha!

**MARTOK:** What was that?

_Simultaneously, LEIA staggers and MARA puts a hand to her head._

**HAN:** Leia?

**MARA:** Something very evil's on its way in...

**MALDIS:** Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

_He appears in the middle of the bridge._

**JANEWAY:** Oh, perfect. What's this?

**RYGEL:** It's Maldis!

**CALHOUN** _(in Xenexian subtitled)_ **:** I'll get you, you _bleep_ ing _bleep_ of a _bleep_!

_Releasing TAXCO, he rushes at MALDIS, sword upraised, but goes through him and falls on his face._

**MALDIS:** You are all mine!

**NECHEYEV:** Will someone explain the meaning of this?

**PICARD:** It's a malevolent alien entity, Admiral. Let us deal with it.

**RYGEL:** You can't deal with it! We're all doomed!

**HAN** _(disgusted)_ **:** Great. Mara, can you--

**MALDIS:** Any feeble attempts to attack me are doomed to failure!

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** No, I can intervene against this creature.

**MALDIS:** Oh, yeah?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Yeah!

**MALDIS:** Oh, yeah?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Yeah!

**MALDIS:** Oh, yeah?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** Yeah!

**SISKO:** Enough already! Just get on with... whatever you're going to do!

_Cut to O'BRIEN plummeting through the chute._

**O'BRIEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to Ten-Forward as JOSEPH SISKO, RICHARD, and AMSHA come in, all splattered with pink foam._

**JOSEPH SISKO:** What is the matter with this ship?!

**MARISSA:** Nothing's the matter with the _Enterprise_! And what happened to you?

**GUINAN:** It looks like the fire extinguishers have turned on.

_In the corner, XYON is being mobbed by WAN-WAN and KIRAYOSHI, both waving toys at him._

**WAN-WAN:** Rory is a Rancor--

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu is a Horta--

**WAN-WAN:** No! Rory!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu!

**NOMI:** Uh-oh.

**RICHARD:** Not only have we been sprayed with this-- this--

**JAY GORDON:** Fire-retardant foam. You're gonna die.

**RICHARD:** The computer is _singing_!

**GUINAN** _(actually startled)_ **:** Singing?

**CARDASSIAN TECH:** Singing? _That's_ a new one.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _corridor with RIKER, TROI, WESLEY, HUGH, CHAKOTAY, and DELL. They're being sprayed with foam and look somewhat confused._

**RIKER** _(under his breath)_ **:** It didn't sound like this when we bought it.

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two...


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 54 (about 1800 words) concerning Climactic Battles, Status Reports, Chains of Command, and Darling Children

**54**  


  
_Open on Voyager bridge as MALDIS and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI circle each other. RYGEL is hiding (ineffectively) behind VADOSIA and TAXCO; KAI WINN is wandering around muttering through the bucket; everyone else looks mystified._

**MALDIS:** So, you think you can take me on?

**GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI:** I _know_ I can. C'mon, what've you got?

**MALDIS:** Oh, yeah? Take this!

_He lunges at the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI. There is a brief flurry of robes, and then--_

**MALDIS and GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI** _(chanting in unison)_ **:** One two three four, I declare a thumb war!

_Cut to SCORPIUS, foamed and still trailing a few determined TRIBBLES, stalking down an_ Enterprise _corridor._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave... Dave... What are you doing, Dave... Dave...

**SCORPIUS:** All right, who are you?

**HAL** _(evidently oblivious)_ **:** Dave... Dave...

**JACK** _(mimicking HAL, but a lot faster)_ **:** Dave, Dave, where are you, Dave? Where are you, hmm, hmm, hmm?

_JACK bounces onscreen on a pogo stick, wearing a glasses-nose-and-mustache getup. Somehow he's eluded getting splattered with pink foam._

**JACK** _(still mimicking HAL)_ **:** C'mon, Dave, where are you? Where are you? Come out come out wherever you are-- Are you Dave?

_He hops in a tight circle around SCORPIUS, chanting--_

**JACK** _(mimicking HAL on fast-forward, singsong)_ **:** Dave-Dave, where's Dave, Dave Davey Davey Dave!

**SCORPIUS** _(not entirely sure how to react)_ **:** What precisely do you think you're--

**JACK:** Beware! It's a Bajoran Attack Tribble! Its venom burns like the stings of a thousand larval b'thool gagh! Beware! Be--

_SCORPIUS grabs him by the neck, perhaps justifiably._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice, not stopping)_ **:** Dave... Dave... Let's talk this over, Dave...

**SCORPIUS** _(growling)_ **:** Who are you and what are you doing?

**JACK:** Who am I? I... I... am Captain James T. Kirk, commander of the U.S.S. _Enterprise_! Our continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, and to boldly go--

_He is cut off by the grip on his neck, but he doesn't look very concerned._

**SCORPIUS:** Are you _insane_?

**JACK:** What? Me? Insane? No, no, never! Don't believe what they tell you. It's all lies. Lies, I tell you! Foul lies! LIES!!!

_Cut to the_ Enterprise _bridge. There has been very little change._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Late one night, when we were all in bed, Old Mother Leary lit a lantern in the shed...

**TASHA** _(wearily)_ **:** What's our status?

**MIKE:** Are you asking me?

**TASHA:** No...

**JADZIA** _(soothingly)_ **:** We're making... good progress considering the circumstances.

**LAVELLE:** Shields are down, weapons are off-line... I don't see any actual _damage_ , though.

**BARCLAY:** Um, Engineering looks, um, I'm not sure--

**B'ELANNA:** Let me see. I'm not detecting any pizza in the core... but... the main computer isn't responding here, either.

_Before TASHA or JADZIA can respond, the status reports are continuing._

**RO:** Still no idea who half these people are.

**WILDMAN:** Er... I can't actually see this console, there's too much... mutant pizza and fungus pancake on it.

**NOG:** No progress tracing the chute or deactivating the... program.

_As if to punctuate, the robot arm makes another pass overhead._

**JAKE:** It's not making a lot of progress, either.

**MOLLY:** And Ginger's had nineteen... nineteen... What do you call them?

**NAOMI:** Baby womp rats?

**NASHIRA:** Yeah, I guess. I don't know any other word.

**MOLLY:** Nineteen baby womp rats. One of them is already crawling around.

_TASHA looks piteous._

**D'ARGO:** And I am _sure_ I can smell something burning!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** ...when the cow kicked it over...

**TASHA:** Arrrggghhh.

_The turbolift opens and SHELBY and SOLETA enter, befoamed._

**SOLETA** _(to SHELBY)_ **:** Leave it alone, Commander. It will peel off once it dries.

**TASHA:** A commander! Finally!

_She runs over and gives SHELBY a big hug._

**TASHA:** You have no idea how glad I am to see you! I'm just security! I don't know how to deal with this stuff!

**ANDY:** Eyyahhhhhh!

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** ... it'll be a hot time, in the old town tonight FIRE FIRE FIRE late one night...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay._

**TK-421:** So you see, Grand Moff--

**VIC:** 'Moff'?

**TK-421:** Lord Vader specifically requested that the _Blunt Instrument_ send some of its finest to help him capture the Rebels. And I am one of the finest! TK-421!

**CRAIS:** I... see.

**TK-421:** Really? Oh, wonderful, sir. Anyway, what happened next-- __

The CADETS are piling TRIBBLES into hampers...

**STARSA:** How can anyone get away with making cadets do this sort of work?

**JAYME:** I'll be contacting the commandant!

_...or at least, two of them are._

**TITUS:** Hey-bay-BEE hey-bay-BEE!

**VOICE:** One-point-nine. Points off for abject stupidity.

**EZRI** _(low voice)_ **:** Personally I'm surprised he's still standing.

**KES** _(low voice)_ **:** Only because she's worried about her friend and not paying attention.

_Over by the bio-bed, JOHN is looking strained again._

**JOHN:** Got to focus... got to concentrate, keep it in control... no problem, not like we're in the middle of a three-ring circus or anything...

**AERYN:** Well? Can you do anything?

**CRUSHER:** Yes, I see the problem. We can help. Nurse Ogawa, could you get me the brain surgery supplies?

**OGAWA:** Yes, Doctor Crusher.

**BASHIR:** Are you sure it's a good idea just now? I mean, with the main computer, uh, off-line and who knows who on the ship...

**CRUSHER:** Nonsense! We have a backup computer and... and I'm sure Commander Riker will have things under control soon!

**STARSA:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_Why is she screaming? SNOOKUMS has just come in._

**SNOOKUMS:** Is this sickbay?

**KES:** Er... yes.

**SNOOKUMS:** Good. One of those stupid Borg things tried to strangle me and my neck still hurts. Could you do something about that? Oh, and I'm hungry.

_He licks his chops._

**AERYN:** All right, just shoot us now.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _corridor with RIKER, TROI, WESLEY, HUGH, CHAKOTAY, and DELL. RIKER is trying to get some answers out of HAL._

**RIKER:** Aren't you supposed to be the backup computer?

**HAL** _(creepy HAL singing)_ **:** Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do...

**RIKER:** So why are you on?

**HAL** _(creepy HAL singing)_ **:** I'm half crazy...

**CHAKOTAY** _(under his breath)_ **:** Half?

**TROI:** Will, I'm sensing... er... well, quite a bit, I think... um... uh... Shouldn't we get to the bridge?

**RIKER:** I suppose.

_He takes one step, slips in the foam, and falls over backwards._

**WESLEY:** This really is dangerous!

_Cut to random_ Enterprise _corridor with WORF, who is trying to get through a security door._

**WORF:** Computer, I demand that you let me through!

_He bangs on the door._

**WORF:** Computer!

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** I'm sorry, I can't do that.

_A door opens in the corridor wall; the ship jerks sharply; WORF falls in; the door whisks shut._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave...

_Cut to O'BRIEN plummeting through the chute._

**O'BRIEN:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to O'BRIEN falling out of the chute onto a pile of pastel cushions with bunnies and ducks on them. The grate in the ceiling snaps closed._

**O'BRIEN:** Bloody _bleep_...

**MATTHEW:** Really, Mr. Doomed Non-Commissioned Officer! You shouldn't use such language in front of children!

_MATTHEW approaches from out of the gloom._

**O'BRIEN:** Who are-- What do you mean, _doomed_?

**MATTHEW:** Well, you're not in the senior staff, and I clearly heard you say something. So of course you have to die.

_O'BRIEN is obviously somewhat unnerved._

**O'BRIEN:** Well... Where am I? And who are you?

**MATTHEW:** Why, you're in the nursery, of course. And I'm Matthew.

**O'BRIEN:** Matthew?

**MATTHEW** _(in an '_ every _body-knows-this' tone of voice)_ **:** Of course. Matthew Picard.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _docking bay, where the_ Delta Flyer _has landed._

**ICHEB** _(voice-over, from_ Flyer _)_ **:** Commander Data, we've arrived.

_Cut to inside the_ Delta Flyer _. ICHEB is still at conn, although DATA has awakened._

**ICHEB** _(continuing)_ **:** Are you feeling better now?

**DATA:** Yes. I'm fine.

**ICHEB:** All right. Should we proceed to the bridge? I was unable to contact them again.

**DATA:** Hmm. Yes, perhaps that would be the best course.

_Cut to docking bay as DATA, ICHEB, AZAN, and REBI exit the_ Flyer _. ICHEB promptly bumps into something invisible._

**ICHEB:** What the...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _ready room. CROW is still pickaxing the bulkhead._

**CROW:** It's a long way...

_He is no longer, however, attracting quite so much attention, because the fire in the model ship case has spread to a chair and is showing no signs of stopping. The abundant foam is having no effect, probably because very little is hitting the fire._

**ROBIN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaaaaahhhhh!

**TK-422:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**SERVO:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**JOOL:** Help! Help! Let us out!

_She's banging frantically on the door._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave... Dave...

**JOOL:** Let us out! There's a fire in here! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**VOICE:** It's a grand shrieking concert! By romantic firelight... not to mention the glow of radioactive tribbles...

**RADIOACTIVE TRIBBLES:** Beep-beep-beep-beep.

_Cut to Ten-Forward. KIRAYOSHI and WAN-WAN appear to be in a duel to the death, armed with Mumu and Rory toys. XYON is still cornered._

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory!

**KIRAYOSHI:** _Mumu!_

**WAN-WAN:** _Rory!_

_RICHARD, AMSHA, and JOSEPH SISKO have been joined by DR. ZIMMERMAN, YANAS, and MERU. They're all sitting at the bar, some distance away from the kids._

**MERU** _(distraught)_ **:** I can't believe it. I just can't believe it!

**GUINAN:** Can't believe what?

**DR. ZIMMERMAN:** Don't get her started!

**MERU** _(distraught)_ **:** What everyone's saying about Dukat! It _can't_ be true!

**GUINAN:** Er, who is this?

**JOSEPH SISKO:** An idiot.

**YANAS:** I wonder where my useless children went. _(scowls)_ Not that I'm going to go out there to find them.

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge._

**JANEWAY:** All right, who is this person??!!

**MCHENRY** _(under his breath)_ **:** Uh-oh. She's getting Agitated.

**MARA:** I've never seen anything quite like this before.

_MALDIS and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI continue thumb-wrestling. They are both scowling in intense concentration and ignoring everyone else._

**RYGEL:** We're all going to die.

_He's now trying to hide behind HAN, who glares at him._

**RYGEL:** Unless, of course, we can take another vessel and get away...?

**JANEWAY** _(dismissively)_ **:** Even if we were going to do such a thing, the _Delta Flyer_ 's gone. All we have left are Class-2 shuttles and... runabouts.

**SISKO:** _Dumfershire_ s, you mean.

**RYGEL:** Well, then, we can do that... that beaming thing over to Moya!

**PILOT** _(from comm)_ **:** We still don't have navigation, Rygel.

**RYGEL:** Can't you follow Talyn? I want out of here!

**CALHOUN:** You little coward! _(in Xenexian subtitled)_ I'll teach you, you _bleep_ ing _bleep_ of a _bleep_!

_He attacks RYGEL._

**NECHEYEV:** Sit, Mackenzie.

**PICARD** _(under his breath)_ **:** Mackenzie?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _Astrometrics as PEARL, BOBO, BRAIN GUY, DR. FORRESTER, and FRANK troop in._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Perfect! We can set up our theater here!

_He waves expansively._

**DR. FORRESTER:** Prepare the movies! We have them all, ha ha ha--

**PEARL:** Yes, Clayton, but you might have noticed we have no _subjects_.

_DR. FORRESTER blinks._

**FRANK:** Which movie should I prepare?

**DR. FORRESTER** _(struck by evil inspiration)_ **:** Ha ha ha ha ha! I have it! _Frank_ can watch the movies!

**FRANK:** Nooooooooooo!

**VOICE:** Where's the cracking thunder? Oh boy, I wonder if they're going to show _The Legend of Spider Island Party Beach_. It's my favorite.


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Section 55 (about 1900 words) concerning Reiteration of Decompression and Avoidance Thereof, Darling Children, a Serious Need for Tech Support, and Determined Misconceptions, plus Extra Credit

**55**  


  
_Open on_ Enterprise _bridge._

**SHELBY:** All right, all right, so... what's going on?

**TASHA** _(sobbing on SHELBY's shoulder)_ **:** What _isn't_? People threw pizza in the warp core, and no one will tell me what a Borg is, or a Maquis, for that matter, and there are civilians all over the bridge, they just won't leave, and tribbles _everywhere_ , and there's a hull breach in the ceiling, and some sort of weird program turned on and this robot arm appeared and threw Chief O'Brien down a hole, and we had to lock people in the captain's ready room, and that puddle on the floor is singing, and that thing came out of the pizza, and people keep asking me what they should do, and, and... It's _terrible_!

**ANDY:** Nya-na-na-na-nyah!

**JADZIA:** Hmm. I think she needs to go off-duty for a while.

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** ...ain't nothin' but a hound dog...

**SHELBY:** Um, yeah, yeah. Why don't you... go lie down in the ready room--

**RO:** No, no! Weren't you listening?

**TOM:** That's a bad idea.

**D'ARGO:** The, er, ready room is full of imbeciles. And I'm _sure_ I smell something burning!

_Cut to inside the ready room as JOOL bangs on the door and shrieks._

**JOOL:** Help! Help! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**ROBIN:** We're all going to die!!

**PATTERSON:** Waaaahhhhh! Mommeeeeee!

**TK-422:** Whaddo I do?

**RANDOM CIVILIAN:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

**RADIOACTIVE TRIBBLES:** Beep-beep-beep-beep.

**CROW:** I'm almost through!

**EVERYONE ELSE:** Noooooooooooooooo!

_CROW smashes through the wall._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Hull breach on Deck One.

_An emergency forcefield goes on._

**PATTERSON:** Are we dead yet?

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

**JOOL** _(uneasily)_ **:** Do what?

_Cut to the mysterious nursery._

**O'BRIEN:** Matthew _Picard_?

**MATTHEW:** Well, of course!

**O'BRIEN** _(thoroughly unsettled)_ **:** You... you live down here?

**MATTHEW:** Yes, this is our nursery, and I don't know what you're doing in here, Mr. Doomed Non-Commissioned Officer.

**O'BRIEN:** The bloody robot arm-- Never mind. You're here alone?

**MATTHEW** _(scornfully)_ **:** Of course not!

_He claps his hands, and like magic, OLIVIA, MIMI, MADISON, and THOMAS appear. They line up according to age._

**OLIVIA** _(angelic voice)_ **:** Yes, Matthew?

**MIMI** _(high squeaky voice)_ **:** Yes, Matthew?

**MADISON** _(lispy voice)_ **:** Yes, Matthew?

**THOMAS** _(exaggerated lispy voice)_ **:** Yeth, Mathoo?

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay. All are keeping their distance from SNOOKUMS._

**SNOOKUMS:** Look, I _said_ , my neck hurts! Someone do something!

**CRUSHER:** Er, right. Dr. Bashir, do something.

**BASHIR:** No.

**CRUSHER:** _Lieutenant_...

**BASHIR:** I'm a casualty, remember? I am _not_ on duty.

**CRUSHER:** Oh. All right. Kes!

_KES eyes SNOOKUMS warily; SNOOKUMS grins toothily. CRUSHER goes back to waving around a very large laser scalpel._

**TK-421** _(oblivious)_ **:** Would you like me to sing a few bars for you, Grand Moff? _(sings, poorly)_ Oh _Blunt Instrument_ , _Blunt Instrument_ , fairest ship in the fleet--

**EZRI:** All right, cadets, keeping loading tribbles. They haven't stopped multiplying while we wait.

**JAYME** _(glumly)_ **:** Yes, Lieutenant.

**STARSA** _(piercing whisper)_ **:** But that thing--

**JAYME:** Quiet. Titus, start working.

**TITUS:** Shut up, can't you see I'm busy? _(clears throat)_ How bout you bring some sugar over my--

_THWAP. He drops like a rock, into one of the tribble-hampers._

**AERYN** _(to CRUSHER)_ **:** You were saying?

**TK-421** _(singing poorly)_ **:** You shine with turbolaser fire, your loyal troopers never tire--

_Cut to_ Enterprise _bridge as LUKE, JACEN, and JAINA enter._

**LUKE:** Everything all right up here?

_TASHA is now in the chair previously occupied by TOM; TOM is sitting at a science console. TASHA has a cold cloth over her eyes. The robot arm continues to weave back and forth. ANDY is still hanging on to GYPSY's neck. The rest of the bridge is also in chaos._

**DOMINION SPY** _(bubbling)_ **:** Baby beluga, yes baby beluga...

**NASHIRA:** Oh, hi, Jacen. Your womp rat's having babies.

**JACEN:** Ginger! Oh, dear -- I thought you weren't due for another week--

_He rushes up front._

**JACEN:** Oh, just _look_ at the little sweeties!

**MOLLY** _(whispered)_ **:** But they have no hair!

**NAOMI** _(whispered)_ **:** They look like worms with legs.

**JACEN:** Oh, aren't they cute. C'mere, little guy -- yeah, there you go -- my name is Jacen.

_JAINA sighs extravagantly._

**RO:** Hi. You're a civilian. But never mind, so am I. What's up?

**LUKE:** Er, lots. Anakin, there you are. I think you're... needed.

**ANAKIN:** Oh, so the computer _is_ doing something weird? Beyond trying to find kids and throw them in a garbage chute.

**LUKE:** Yes-- Garbage chute?

**COMPUTER:** Child detected.

_On cue, the robot arm seizes JOTHEE._

**JOTHEE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

**COMPUTER:** Removal procedures initiated.

**D'ARGO:** Jothee!

**JOTHEE:** Help! Aaaaaaahhhhh! Help!

_The chute snaps open again, and JOTHEE is dropped in._

**JOTHEE** _(fading away)_ **:** Aaaaaaahhhhh...

_The chute snaps closed._

**D'ARGO:** Jothee! I have to find him!! Where is he?!

**CHIANA** _(muttered)_ **:** Oh, no.

**B'ELANNA:** Haven't you been paying attention? Nobody knows!

**D'ARGO:** Jothee!!

_He runs off the bridge._

**CHIANA:** Not _again_.

**JAINA:** We didn't even get a chance to warn him about the pink foam.

_Cut to AMIDALA, the HANDMAIDENS, ANI, ZIYAL, NEELIX, QUARK, NORVO, JANEL, CINDEL, WICKET, KALITA, EDDINGTON, THOMAS RIKER, and VALERIE, still wandering the corridors. They are all foamed and pretty annoyed._

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave... Dave...

**QUARK:** Will you _shut up_?!

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave... Let's talk this over, Dave...

**VALERIE:** No one here is named Dave. We have no idea what you're talking about.

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave...

**QUARK** _(to EDDINGTON)_ **:** And by the way, what are _you_ doing here? If Captain--

**KALITA and THOMAS RIKER** _(in unison)_ **:** Don't say it!

**QUARK** _(continuing)_ **:** \--Sisko-- Huh?

**EDDINGTON** _(maniacally)_ **:** Aha! But Javert shall never find me...

**KALITA:** Oh, _bleep_. Now look what you did!

**THOMAS RIKER:** You set him off!

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** Dave...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _docking bay. ICHEB, looking bewildered, is examining what is evidently an invisible wall._

**ICHEB:** Well, there's definitely _something_ here...

_Cut to_ Enterprise _engineering as WEYOUN comes in._

**WEYOUN:** Ah, yes! We can take control of the ship from here, Founder.

_The FEMALE FOUNDER comes in, followed by the JEM'HADAR carrying RU'AFO and the dejected GALLATIN._

**FEMALE FOUNDER:** What are all _these_?

_She indicates the carpet of TRIBBLES._

**TRIBBLES:** Purrrrrrrr. Puurrrrrrrrr.

**WEYOUN:** Um... They appear to be harmless. I'll try to take control.

_He goes over to a console. As soon as he taps in the first command--_

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** I'm sorry, Dave. I can't let you do that.

**WEYOUN:** What?

**HAL** _(creepy HAL voice)_ **:** You know I am most committed to the mission, Dave.

_Cut to SCORPIUS dragging JACK into Astrometrics and coming to a dead stop. (Recall that everyone present is befoamed.)_

**FRANK:** Nooooooooooo! Noooooooooooo! Not _The Creature in Gold Boots_! Nooooooooooooooo!

**PEARL** _(to SCORPIUS)_ **:** Who are you?

**SCORPIUS:** Who are _you_?

**PEARL:** I asked you first!

**BRAIN GUY:** Ah, Madam, this creature appears to possibly be quite hazardous--

**PEARL:** Shut up, Brain Guy.

**FRANK:** Noooooooooo! Nooooooooooooo!

**JACK:** What do you mean, no? No to what? Hmm, hmm, hmm? This guy's been dragging me around by the neck! That's not polite! There are rules! Don't talk with your mouth--

_He's cut off again._

**SCORPIUS:** Will you _be quiet_??!!

**JACK:** No way! Nuh-uh! No-no-no!

**BOBO:** Pearl! Pearl, I'm scared!

_Cut to JOTHEE hurtling through the chute._

**JOTHEE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to_ Voyager _bridge. NECHEYEV is frowning at CALHOUN, who is sitting in the corner with a sulky expression._

**NECHEYEV:** Now stay there and think about what you've done!

**TAXCO:** That hardly seems sufficient discipline.

**VADOSIA:** Get a dunce cap!

**KAI WINN:** Mmmmfffff!

**PICARD:** Perhaps a reprimand.

**ROSS:** Hmm. I've never tried sending a captain to the corner. I wonder if it would work? _(pause)_ Probably not.

**JELLICO:** Court-martial him! __

MALDIS and the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI are still determinedly thumb-wrestling.

**PICARD:** This is ridiculous. Thumb-wrestling... It's like some sort of joke.

**MARA** _(glumly)_ **:** Oh, believe me, they're quite serious. It's a thumb-wrestling duel to the... I can't say death... oh, you know what I mean.

**SISKO:** All right, forget the good-versus-evil battle in here, what about the good-versus-evil battle on _my station_ , which is still going _on_ , and I'm _not there_. So let's _hurry up_!

**RYGEL:** What? Get near _another_ life-threatening struggle?

**PILOT** _(over comm)_ **:** May I remind you that going there is the only way to reach Pa'u Zhaan, and that's the only way...

**RYGEL:** To get rid of Maldis. Yotz!

**HAN:** Huh?

**VOICE:** Think I should be _bleep_ ing that?

_Cut to Riker's quarters' bathroom, with big bathtub. TAIN, SELA, JENAVIAN, KOVAL, and SLOAN have come in, dragging along KEBRON and JAR JAR._

**JENAVIAN:** My, my, somebody likes their luxuries.

**TAIN:** We'll set up temporary headquarters here!

**SLOAN:** All... right, if you say so.

**KOVAL:** It should do.

**KEBRON** _(espying the tub)_ **:** Goldfish!

**SELA:** No, no, you idiot, that's a bathtub.

**KEBRON:** Goldfish.

**SELA:** And you're staying _away_ from it.

**JAR JAR:** Mesa want to leave! Mesa no like yousa spy people!

_He is ignored._

**SLOAN:** Maybe we can use the sonic shower to get rid of some of this foam.

_Cut to_ Enterprise _sickbay. JAYME and STARSA are continuing to load TRIBBLES, some on top of the knocked-out TITUS._

**JAYME:** So, do we know where we're going to put these things?

**EZRI:** Mmm... you have any suggestions?

**JAYME:** Do I get extra credit if I come up with a good one?

**EZRI:** Sure, why not.

**JAYME:** Great! Let me think...

**TK-421** _(singing, badly)_ **:** _Blunt Instrument_ , _Blunt Instrument_ , oh beloved Star Destroyer of mine, we are loyal and--

**CRAIS:** Will you please be quiet?

**TK-421:** Quiet, Grand Moff?

**VIC:** 'Moff'?

**CRAIS:** And stop calling me that!

**TK-421:** You want me to be quiet, Grand Moff? Are we on a secret mission? I'm very good at those, Grand Moff!

**CRAIS:** Arrrrgggghhh!

_He sends a pleading look in AERYN's direction, but she is otherwise occupied._

**VIC:** It's hopeless.

**KES:** I can't examine you if you won't hold still. Now, how did this happen?

**SNOOKUMS:** First I got possessed by some sort of dark-side thing, and it zapped someone, and annoyed that Borg Queen lady, and she tried to strangle me, and...

**TRIBBLES:** Purrrrrrrrrrr. Purrrrrrrrrrrrr.

_Meanwhile, JOHN is strapped down to a biobed, still muttering, while CRUSHER pulls on some gloves and arranges an impressive collection of implements._

**CRUSHER:** All right. I'll just cut that thing right out!

**JOHN** _(muttering)_ **:** Quiet, g'way, shut up -- gotta focus -- _focus_. _(speaks up)_ You sure you know what you're doing?

**CRUSHER** _(affronted)_ **:** Of course I do!

**AERYN** _(low voice, to BASHIR)_ **:** Does she?

**BASHIR:** Um, I'm not sure. She's a qualified doctor...

**AERYN:** Oh, _bleep_.

_Cut to JOTHEE hurtling through the chute._

**JOTHEE:** Aaaaaaahhhhh! Aaaaaaahhhhh!

_Cut to Ten-Forward as befoamed ISHKA and ZEK come in, ZEK waving the nagal staff._

**ZEK:** This place is falling apart! _Look_ at all this foam! I demand a refund!

**ISHKA:** You don't own it, dear.

**ZEK:** Whazzat?

**ISHKA:** I said, you don't own the ship, dear.

**GUINAN:** My. Would you be Grand Nagus Zek?

**ZEK** _(pleased)_ **:** Why, yes.

_From the corner..._

**WAN-WAN:** Rory!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu!

**WAN-WAN:** Rory!

**KIRAYOSHI:** Mumu!

**XYON:** Saaaaavvve meeeeeee!

_Cut to mysterious nursery. O'BRIEN, surrounded by Dahling Children, looks seriously alarmed (as well he might)._

**MATTHEW:** Now tell us, Mr. Doomed Non-Commissioned Officer, what's going on?

**O'BRIEN:** Well-- Look, I am _not_ doomed!

**MATTHEW:** I already told you, you're not in the senior staff, and--

**O'BRIEN:** I served here five years without dying! And I'm a professor at Starfleet Academy! And on a different senior staff!

**OLIVIA** _(angelic voice, shocked)_ **:** A different senior staff?

**MATTHEW** _(suspicious)_ **:** Where?

**O'BRIEN:** Deep Space Nine.

**MATTHEW** _(horrified)_ **:** A _DS9-er_?

**MIMI** _(high squeaky voice)_ **:** Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

_MIMI faints dead away. The other Dahling children look shocked and huddle together._

**MADISON** _(lisping)_ **:** Matthew, whatever shall we do?

**THOMAS:** Waaaaaaahhhhh!


End file.
